ANNIVERSARY ASSAULT III 10/31/2008
Jake Phoenix vs Tommy Deathrow
Costume Battle Royale
Billy Kryenik & Jer$ey vs O’Connor Boys
“The Show” Chad Kurtis vs Stone Zellor
“WHITE CHOCOLATE~” Tiffany Macintyre vs Asuka Katsuragi
Chris Casino & Evan Cartwright vs Faces of Death
“The Ego Buster” Dan Ryan vs D! II
Krusty Kid Paul vs “LDK” Lloyd Rees III
It’s the Polish Hall, the homebase of New Alberta Pro Wrestling. On this, the third anniversary of a little promotion that debuted three years ago on HALLOWE’EN NIGHT, the Hall is decked out with orange and black balloons, streamers, and all sorts of fun stuff. The doors opened an hour early for special meet and greet sessions, hallowe’en games, a costume contest and all sorts of stuff. NAPW’s roving reporter extraordinaire Josh Reynolds, dressed as GERALDO, is swooping through the costumed throng with a live house microphone, keeping things entertaining!
JOSH REYNOLDS: Josh Reynolds here wrestling fans with a pre-Anniversary Assault special! With me here is Dan Moo and Al Cages, two fans who say they have been to EVERY single NAPW show in Edmonton since started, including the very first event in the fall of 2005!
Josh holds the microphone up to two fans, one dressed like an extra from “Apocalypse Now,” the other dressed horrifyingly as Abdullah the Butcher. No shirt, pasty white manboobs, ooookay.
DAN MOO: NAPW is the best, Josh!
AL CAGES: WHOOOOOO! To be the man, you have to beat the man!
JOSH REYNOLDS: Guys, what is your favorite match in NAPW history?
AL CAGES: Nothing was better than the Triple-Threat ladder match between THE CRIMES, THE DUDES, and The NEW & IMPROVED D-X!
DAN MOO: You’re crazy, man! That match was good, but it can’t hold a candle to CHRIS CASINO vs “LDK” LLOYD REES earlier this year! That was the best match I’ve ever seen! Hey, want a kazoo?
JOSH REYNOLDS: Sure?
DAN MOO: My friend Miles Eggo was supposed to send it to our friend in Vancouver, but never did, so we figure somebody should have it!
AL CAGES: Kazoos rule!
DAN MOO: Yeah they do!
The fans leave, and Josh heads off to another point of interest — he finds PRINCE W. DARKO and KBOND standing around. KBOND is dressed as Kingpin from the Daredevil movie. IE like Michael Clarke Duncan, and intimidating any fans who (for some reason) want to say hi to the Prince. Darko is wearing a collar around his neck, a neck brace, Joel Gertner style.
JOSH REYNOLDS: One of NAPW’s finest tag teams, we haven’t seen you since you were hurt in REBEL Pro! Prince Darko, when are you returning to an NAPW ring?
PRINCE W. DARKO: Word dog, you frontin’? Be real. I’ll return when I damn well please, I’m royalty. You ever been around royalty? No, you haven’t, cos you ain’t nothin’. You couldn’t whoop me.
JOSH REYNOLDS: … well, are you waiting for your injured neck to heal?
PRINCE W. DARKO: Word, son, you think this means I’m hurt? Nah son, this is my costume.
JOSH REYNOLDS: That’s your costume?
PRINCE W. DARKO: I goin’ as somebody I whooped. Ain’t that a hoot? Now scram, we ain’t hear to talk to no cracker reporters.
KBOND shows his gap and Reynolds take it as a cue to leave. The camera follows him to probably the biggest point of interest… the autograph table! “The Show” Chad Kurtis, Billy Kryenik, “White Chocolate” Tiffany Macintyre and Tommy Deathrow are all signing autographs for all the fans, talking up with them, really giving back to the fans that have supported NAPW. But Josh stops at one man in particular, an NAPW legend… “THE NEXUS ONE” REX CALIBER!
JOSH REYNOLDS: Rex Caliber, fans! It’s a treat to see you here tonight, Rex, but the fans want to know — are you going to be wrestling tonight?
REX CALIBER: No wrestling for Sexy Rexy tonight, Josh, I’m just here to say hello to all these awesome fans and take in the show! Hold on a second — I don’t think that’ll fit on just one, honey.
SLEAZY FEMALE FAN: Then you’ll have to sign *both*!
REX CALIBER: Yeah, I can do that. I love my job.
JOSH REYNOLDS: You’re currently the Man In Charge down in REBEL Pro, will you still be there when REBEL hits its third anniversary?
REX CALIBER: I’ll be around as long as they want me there, but if Rex Caliber ain’t part of REBEL Pro when they hit three years, that’s alright, because guys like Mikey Massacre, Hardcore Entertainment and our World Champion Nick Everhardt are the guys people are comin’ to see! NAPW fans make sure to pick up the last couple REBEL shows on DVD at the merch booth, then bring it over here to get it autographed by the 245 lb shithammer himself!
TOMMY DEATHROW: (yelling) I’d bring it over there but you couldn’t handle it!
REX CALIBER: (yelling) Your mom couldn’t handle it!
TOMMY DEATHROW: (yelling) That’s what your dad said!
JOSH REYNOLDS: …Rex Caliber and Tommy Deathrow, fans! We’re still a few minutes away from showtime, so if you haven’t already, come get your autographs from the NAPW wrestlers! This is Josh Reynolds saying WELCOME…
TO NAPW ANNIVERSARY ASSAULT III!
Now play that funky music, white boy.
JACK JONES: And that, my friends, is how one gets thrown out of Mexico.
BILL HEWSON: Will that midget ever be the same again?
JACK JONES: Chances are slim to never.
REM’s “Orange Crush” explodes through the PA and the fans go absolutely ape-poo rabid. From beyond the curtain emerges NAPW’s resident sex symbol and current challenger for the Canadian Heritage Championship. Curiously enough, his face is made up to look like a sloppy Sylvester the Cat to go along with his giant black and white form-fitting cat suit.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is the opening match at NAPW’s Anniversary Assault III! Scheduled for one fall, this is for the NAPW Canadian Heritage Championship! Approaching the ring, from St. Paul, Minnesota, weighing in at two-hundred and fifty four pounds… he is the “Superstar”… TOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DEATHROWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Tommy slides seductively into the ring and hits the turnbuckles to pose for the raucous crowd.
JACK JONES: What the hell is Deathrow doing dressed like a cat?
BILL HEWSON: I assume it’s because of the disparaging remarks that Jake Phoenix made about The Superstar being a pussy… cat. Wrestling fans, welcome to a very special evening here… it is NAPW Anniversary Assault THREE, as we celebrate NAPW’s third successful year of business! I’m Bill Hewson alongside my broadcast partner Jack “Attack” Jones and we are starting this event off with one heckuva match!
JACK JONES: I don’t think he ever mentioned the cat part if you ask me.
BILL HEWSON: Never the less, Tommy Deathrow, with his own interpretation of the insult, seeks to win the Heritage Title from his former partner tonight.
JACK JONES: This one will be FAR from pretty, let me tell you now.
“SURPRISE! YOU’RE DEAD!”
REM is cut and replaced by Faith No More’s “Surprise! You’re Dead” and out comes the reigning Heritage Champion toting his belt in one hand (which is covered by a metal glove) and carrying a double-barrel shotgun in his free hand, he is pretty obviously the zombie slayer, Ash, from Evil Dead and Army of Darkness fame.
JACK JONES: Boomstick time!
BILL HEWSON: That thing better not be loaded!
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, approaching the ring, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, weighing in at two-hundred and eighty nine pounds, he is the NAPW Canadian Heritage Champion… The “Murder City Devil”… JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE PHOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIX!!!
The towering champion slings his belt through the ropes before using them to climb into the ring and immediately stares down The Superstar. Tommy responds by blowing Phoenix a kiss and grabbing his crotch in a way that would make Michael Jackson say “OOOOHOOOO!!” The fans are loving it and seem to cheer both men. Referee John Sharplin holds the Heritage title belt high overhead before handing it to the timekeeper and the bell goes DING!!
BILL HEWSON: This one should definitely prove to be a slobber-knocking barn-burning bunkhouse brawl!
JACK JONES: If you dare say “Bahh Gawd!” I’m going to deck you, Hewson.
Phoenix wastes no time at all and charges at his man. Deathrow meets him head on and we definitely have a brawl on our hands. Both men exchange punishing rights and lefts without care for technique or accuracy, they just want to hurt one another. Phoenix eventually gains the advantage by grabbing Tommy’s right arm and pulling him into a short-arm clothesline that temporarily stops the action. Phoenix checks his nose for blood before measuring his man and laying a knuckle-cutter of a punch across the eyebrow of a rising Tommy Deathrow. This is followed by some vicious stomps and a kick to the ribs that has Deathrow clutching his sides in pain while kicking his boots up and down on the mat. Phoenix lifts him by the hair and hurls him into the nearest corner where he immediately goes to work with hammering right hands to the head, chest, and stomach. Sharplin gets in there and warns Phoenix to watch it with the closed fist, but it’s like talking to a wall of meat.
After getting Sharplin out of his way, Phoenix is surprised by a boot to the face from Deathrow and a clothesline that stuns him. Deathrow tries another but the big man does not go down. He tries a third and Phoenix catches him with a boot to the head of his own. Tommy goes down as if shot by the boomstick. Phoenix lifts Deathrow and places him over his shoulder, paces around the ring for a moment and then charges, dropping his opponent into a powerslam. Phoenix with the lateral press, going for the early victory, but only gets a two count as Deathrow gets the shoulder up. Phoenix lifts Deathrow and whips him into the corner, following it with a reverse elbow to the face and proceeds to lay in some stiff forearm shots the face. Deathrow is bleeding from his eyebrow at this point. The fans are seemingly behind both men and simply scream for violence.
JACK JONES: The champion is dominant here and I think Deathrow is in for a long night of being beaten like a red-headed stepchild.
BILL HEWSON: It’s true that Jake Phoenix has had a dominant run as Heritage Champion, but you can’t ever discount the heart of Tommy Deathrow.
JACK JONES: Yeah, all those no-shows of his really demonstrate that heart he’s supposedly got.
Phoenix pulls his man out of the corner and whips him into the ropes, lowering his head for the big back body drop. Deathrow with the sunset flip into the pin and surprises the champion, but only a two count as Jake slams the inside of both knees together against Tommy’s head to break up the pin. Deathrow charges at his rising opponent but gets caught in a sidewalk slam. Instead of pinning right away, Phoenix takes this opportunity to talk smack to his former tag team partner and slaps him around some before finally going for the pin. Deathrow kicks out at one just to be defiant. Phoenix with another whip into the ropes, but it’s reversed and he hits the ropes, followed by Tommy Dreamer slipping under and up from behind, wrapping the man mountain rock in a sleeper hold. The crowd cheers enthusiastically as Deathrow holds on for dear life. Phoenix struggles for a few moments to try and fight the grip of the hold and has the wherewithal to run backwards and crush Tommy in the corner. Phoenix with another forearm smash volley before walking backward to the opposite turnbuckle and charges with a full head of steam.
Tommy slips out of harm’s way and Phoenix hits the corner chest first!
Tommy with a kick to the gut and sets his man up for the Dominator… does he have the strength to lift the big man and execute? He sure does, displaying some core fortitude by lifting up the 6’9″ leviathan and slamming him chest and face first into the canvas. A pin by Deathrow only gets two as Phoenix kicks out with authority. Tommy grabs his man by the head and sends him face first into the turnbuckle… multiple times. Phoenix is dazed and Tommy shows off to the crowd for a moment before grabbing Phoenix’s hair and jumping over the ropes to the apron, essentially hot-shotting Phoenix across the top rope. Phoenix grabs his throat as Tommy goes to the top rope. Phoenix falls into the ropes and crotches Deathrow on the top.
JACK JONES: Right in the mommy-daddy button!
BILL HEWSON: Phoenix proving again and again why he’s possibly the toughest Heritage Champion in NAPW’s history, withstanding and stopping every assault thus far from The Superstar.
Phoenix climbs to the top and lays in some shots to the Superstar before setting him up for the superplex. Deathrow holds on for dear life and doesn’t go over, instead headbutting Phoenix in the lip, causing a trickle of blood as lip meets tooth and cranium. Deathrow with a headscissors (!) that sends both himself and Phoenix crashing to the floor below the ring, with the Heritage Champion taking the worst of that fall. Deathrow is quicker to get to his feet as the fans begin a “Holy (BLEEP)!” chant quickly followed by “We Want Hardcore!” Deathrow obliges them (albeit as much as one can without weapons) by grabbing the dazed Phoenix and whips him into the ring post. Phoenix is down as Deathrow licks the blood trickling from his own wound and gives a toothy smile. The fans eat it up. Deathrow mounts his man and pummels him with punishing right hands before rolling back into the ring and breaking up the count before rolling back out.
BILL HEWSON: Smart move by the Superstar, can’t win the title by count-out.
JACK JONES: You’ve just been promoted from Captain Obvious to Major “No (BLEEP), Sherlock!”
Deathrow isn’t finished punishing his man, lifting him and slamming his face into the ring apron before whipping him into the guardrail. The nearby fans begin patting Phoenix all over his prone body as Deathrow lays into him again mercilessly, screaming “Here’s your pussy cat now, b*tch!” “Want some more pussy, Jakey Baby?” Deathrow goes for another whip into the ring post, but Phoenix counters and Tommy ends up eating post for dinner. Phoenix grabs the prone Tommy D by the head and screams out “Here’s how you kill a zombie!!!” He sets Deathrow against the post again and rams his head backward into the post. Phoenix rolls back into the ring to catch his breath as he appears a bit winded and shakes his head to rid himself of the cobwebs. Deathrow is slow to get up as Sharplin administers the count. At about eight Deathrow is pulling himself onto the ring apron when Phoenix is there to meet him. Tommy drives a desperation shoulder into the gut and catapults himself over the ropes atop the doubled-over Phoenix and lands with Jake’s head between his legs and jumps up and down. Tommy screams out “SKULL F***!” and the fans are loving it.
BILL HEWSON: Total Non-Stop Tommy!
JACK JONES: That move should be illegal on the grounds that it’s disgusting to watch! There is nothing more vile than TNT!
Deathrow releases the hold and quickly follows it with a nice swinging neckbreaker. Cover by Deathrow, but only two as Phoenix powers out. Deathrow grabs the back of his head and needs a moment to recover himself after the adrenaline rush he just experienced. Deathrow now with some hard shots to the face of his man and suddenly sticks his hand deep into his tights. The fans are going wild for it… SWEATY BALL CLAW!! Phoenix is flailing as Deathrow applies the sweaty, pungent pressure.
JACK JONES: I stand corrected.
Deathrow wants a submission and forces Phoenix to his knees. Deathrow nodding his head up and down vigorously and doesn’t notice that Phoenix is directing them near the ropes. The champion grabs hold and Sharplin administers the five count before Deathrow lets go. Tommy hits the ropes and charges with a rising knee to the prone Phoenix that sends him between the ropes and outside the ring once again. Deathrow, hands on knees and crouching waits for Phoenix to get to his feet outside and PLANCHA SUICIDA!! The fans are screaming as Deathrow launched himself like a missile into the champion. Deathrow is up after a moment of rest and lays in some more punishing blows to his opponent before lifting him in a semi-press and hotshots his throat across the guardrail. Deathrow is really laying into the champ with the boots before rolling him back into the ring to break up the count. Deathrow climbs to the top and awaits Phoenix getting to his feet yet again. Deathrow off the top for a cross body block, but Phoenix shows his strength and fortitude by catching his man mid-air before nailing him with the fallaway slam. Phoenix into the cover, but only two as Deathrow kicks out in time. Phoenix mounts his man and lays in with those piston-like right hands into Deathrow’s head. Both men are bloody at this point, Deathrow from the giant gash under his eyebrow and Phoenix whose lip is busted open. Phoenix tastes his own blood and gives a sinister grin before whipping Tommy into the ropes and planting him with a powerslam. Cover gets only a two once again. Phoenix eyes Sharplin suspiciously and warns him not to be slow with the counts.
JACK JONES: He’s right to question Sharplin, I suspect that guy is a closet Superstar fan.
BILL HEWSON: Will you stop that talk! He’s been calling this thing fair and square and has even allowed both men to take liberties at various times throughout the match.
Phoenix sets his man up for a powerbomb and gets him up high, but Tommy D fights him with some stiff shots to the face at the apex. Phoenix seems to teeter and totter some but withstands and eventually steadies himself enough to slam Deathrow to the mat with authority. Mammoth Powerbomb! Phoenix hooks the leg and… TWO AND A HALF! Tommy Deathrow shows his resilience. Phoenix again stares daggers at Sharplin before getting in his face about the count. Deathrow with the low blow from behind that he masks by turning it into a schoolboy. Sharplin with the count… Again two and a half as Phoenix powers out of it. Deathrow with an elbow to the back of the head and followed by a quick DDT. Cover again, but only two. Deathrow trips his man with a drop toe hold and floats over into the Camel Clutch. Phoenix is bellowing as Deathrow looks to be in firm control right now.
BILL HEWSON: He might break his back with this maneuver!
JACK JONES: Lets hope he doesn’t try and make him humble in the old country way.
BILL HEWSON: What exactly does that mean?
JACK JONES: You mean you haven’t seen the YouTube sensation that is The Iron Sheik doing shoot interviews?
BILL HEWSON: Actually no, I have something of a social life.
Sharplin asks Phoenix if he wants to give it up, but the champ just screams “NO!” in his face as he muscles forward inch by inch toward the ropes. Phoenix finally makes it and the hold is eventually broken, but not after Deathrow milks it for all it’s worth. Tommy with some vicious shots to the back and kidneys before hitting the ropes. Phoenix goozles him out of nowhere and the crowd goes ape-poop yet again —
CHOKESLAM!!
Phoenix into the cover, hooking the leg… TWO AND A HALF AGAIN! Tommy Deathrow will not stay down. Phoenix is really pissed at this point and lifts his man for a bodyslam from hell. Deathrow counters it ala Ricky Steamboat into a small package. Phoenix kicks out at two, somewhat surprised that he was countered so efficiently. Deathrow ducks a clothesline and pulls his man’s head down with a neckbreaker. Tommy sets him man up for the Tommyhawk… connects with the high-impact cutter maneuver. Cover and hook of the leg…
TWO AND A HALF!!!
We almost had a new Heritage Champion. Deathrow looks upset yet determined. He lays into his man in once again before shoving his head between his legs and teases another Skull F***… the fans want it, but Tommy instead opts for the Deathrow Driver. Phoenix fights it, but Tommy eventually gets him up and spikes his head into the canvas with authority. Deathrow into the cover…
Nobody gets up from the Deathrow Driver!
ONE, TWO, THREE…
FOOT ON THE ROPES.
Jake Phoenix was close enough and had just enough presence of mind to realize it and save his title. Deathrow thinks he’s won, but Sharplin caught that one just at the last minute, informing Deathrow that the match is still on. Tommy can’t believe it and shoves Sharplin aside. Phoenix with a desperation killer lariat to buy time. Deathrow is down and Phoenix goes to the top rope, uncharacteristic of him. Off he flies with the top rope elbow, but Deathrow rolls out of the way in time. Deathrow again tries for his finisher and shoves Phoenix between his knees. Phoenix counters by pulling himself upright and lifts Tommy with him… he pulls the Superstar across his back and seems to be prepared to fall backwards into a Samoan Drop. Instead, Phoenix pulls Tommy’s head and upper body forward and into position for the Tombstone! WHAT IMPACT! Jake Phoenix’s Tombstone Piledriver plants Deathrow’s head into the mat and the champion makes the cover… ONE, TWO, THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, and still Heritage Champion… JAKE PHOENIX!
BILL HEWSON: What a vicious battle by these two gladiators, but Jake Phoenix gets the win after an unexpected Tombstone!
JACK JONES: I’m glad these two thoroughbreds weren’t fillies, because then I would’ve had to bet on a winner.
BILL HEWSON: Horse track addiction aside, you have to agree that Deathrow showed little ring rust in his attempt to garner the title and beat down his former partner.
JACK JONES: He’s just as much as sick bastard as he ever was. They’re both sick bastards and it disgusts me.
BILL HEWSON: Be that as it may, I think Tommy Deathrow proved his doubters wrong… what a war these two have had here tonight. The Jake Phoenix title reign rolls on — CHRIS CASINO! WAIT A MINUTE — NO!
Phoenix barely had time to raise his belt in victory, Tommy out on the canvas, when CHRIS CASINO hits the ring and wallops Jake across the back with a steel chair! Jake stumbles but stays up… not for long! CLANG! Direct shot to the head and Jake goes down to one knee. Somehow he’s still vertical CLANG. A third sick shot puts Jake Phoenix down. The crowd is booing one-half of the Tag Team champions viciously as Jake has new blood streaming down his face.
Casino is not done, he’s going to make Jake PAY for whooping Dirty Money last week. He props Jake up and twists the middle and top ropes around Jake’s arms. Jake is trapped in the ropes! Casino laughs maniacally as Jake blinks away blood, kicking futilely at the out-of-range Casino. Chris has Jake helpless, right where he wants him, and could end his career right now, but Tommy Deathrow whips the steel chair out of Casino’s hand. Holy moley! Deathrow with a wild swing just misses a nimble Casino, who gets the hell out of Dodge (and in a hurry). Deathrow throws the chair halfway down the aisle, almost catching Casino, who shoots Tommy a look of fury.
The referee has helped free Jake’s arms. Jake is cursing and holding his head in pain. Tommy Deathrow picks up the Heritage Title belt and looks at it with a strange expression. Suddenly, Jake is up, grasping the belt. He and Deathrow stare eye to eye… and Tommy lets the belt go. Jake holds it high, pounding his chest with his fist… but then points to Tommy Deathrow in a show of respect for a hell of a battle, and for standing up against that jerk Chris Casino. Tommy leaves the ring. He’s not Heritage Champion tonight, but his time will come. Phoenix holds the belt high to a pop from the fans and then takes his own leave.
And that’s just the first match!
JACK JONES: And then that fat guy walked RIGHT PAST ME. Didn’t even acknowledge I was there! And he spent the next half-hour telling jokes over every conversation in the bar!
BILL HEWSON: That’s because he’s Norm from Cheers. Also, you’re confusing TV with stuff you’ve actually done. Speaking of “stuff people have done,” if you’ll excuse me…
JACK JONES: I don’t know why *you* get to do the inductions… rassum frassum.
Bill Hewson steps into the ring and is given a microphone.
BILL HEWSON: And now, it is my honour to introduce to you the first member of the 2008 Ring of Prestige. This man will join the likes of other great NAPW stars. Stars like D!
The crowd boos.
BILL HEWSON: Chris Casino!
The crowd boos again.
BILL HEWSON: Evan Cartwright!
Boooo!
JACK JONES: Don’t boo the man for telling us who the stalwarts of NAPW are!
BILL HEWSON: Patrick BIckle!
Finally, cheers.
BILL HEWSON: Billy Kryenik!
Big cheers!
BILL HEWSON: The Dudes!
Huzzah!
BILL HEWSON: Static!
Yeah, I remember him! And so does the crowd.
BILL HEWSON: And Rex Caliber!
A chant goes up. “Nexus One! Nexus One! Nexus One!”
BILL HEWSON: All champions of NAPW, all people who have fought and bled for you, all people who have made you cheer and made you boo! And this next honouree is no different. He is a five-time NAPW tag team champion!
The crowd goes off.
BILL HEWSON: He went to defend NAPW in plenty of tournaments along with his tag team partner and even came back with the Hegstrand Cup!
The crowd still cheers.
BILL HEWSON: And in the eyes of many, he and his tag team partner made up arguably the greatest tag team in NAPW history! This is STYLIN’ KYLE ROBERTS!
The familiar trumpet fanfare of the Philosopher Kings hits, and the fans are out of their seats.
“I AM THE MAN, BABY, THAT’S WHAT I AM
I AM A STRAIGHT SHOOTER WITH THE MASTER PLAN”
And out comes Stylin’ Kyle Roberts! And he looks, um, big. And with a wig on for some unknown reason. Bill Hewson looks around in confusion as Cameron Scott, one half of the former NAPW tag team champions the Dudes, struts into the ring and motions for the microphone.
CAM SCOTT: Hello, Edmonton! It’s so great to be back on this very special night! The night that I, Stylin’ Kyle Roberts, comes back to relive my faded glory!
The crowd mutters, and some boo. And some say “OH, THOSE DUDES!”
CAM SCOTT: Finally! You give me validation! Validation that only an asshat such as myself truly needs. No, guys, it’s not the five tag belts I won. It’s not the two World Heavyweight belts I won down south in the place that shall not be named. It’s me needing the cheers of my audience every time I come out here!
BILL HEWSON: Now wait a minute…
CAM SCOTT: My old friend Bill Hewson, everyone! Now, Bill, if you’ll just give me my award, I can be out partying it up with some hot-to-trot fillies out on Whyte Avenue tonight.
BILL HEWSON: But you’re not-
CAM SCOTT: Not worthy of this honour? Come on! I’m the MAN, baby! I’m smarter that you, smarter than all of you!
The crowd boos a bit, but perks up once they hear the COPS theme start up.
“BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?”
And down comes Joey Malone, and he’s not happy. He’s dressed up as a greaser, slicked-back hair, jeans and a white T-shirt, with a package of Popeye candy sticks rolled up in his shirt sleeve. He storms down to the ring and grabs the mic from Cam Scott.
JOEY MALONE: I know Kyle Roberts! I am friends with Kyle Roberts! And you, sir, are no Kyle Roberts!
CAM SCOTT: Joey! My old friend Joey! What’s up, Ponyboy?
JOEY MALONE: No, “dude.” This is not the way Kyle should be honoured.
CAM SCOTT: Come on, Joey. I’m only having a little fun.
JOEY MALONE: It’s a slap in the face to Kyle Roberts, and it’s a slap in the face to me!
Meanwhile, from the back of the Polish Hall, some fans are moving out of the way. One man walks with a purpose towards the barriers.
CAM SCOTT: Hey, Bill. What’s this about some gold? I could always use more gold on my apartment. Gimme! I want my gold Halloween candy!
As more and more fans move out of the way for the man heading to ringside, there’s more and more murmuring and even an SKR chat. Cam acknowledges it.
CAM SCOTT: No, people. I’m not worthy. But thank you.
The man, wearing a baseball cap and a leather jacket, hops over the barricade and slides into the ring. Cam is oblivious. And Joey’s too busy staring daggers at Cam.
“SKR! SKR!”
The man pulls off his hat and tosses it to the canvas. He takes off his jacket, and lays it over a turnbuckle. And he smirks, and taps his head. The crowd goes KUMQUAT!
CAM SCOTT: People, I’m only a man. A jerkassed windbag of a man, but a man nonetheless.
Kyle stands right behind Cam, and now even Joey picks up on what’s happening. Kyle pulls the wig off Cam.
CAM SCOTT: Hands off the merchandise, pal.
He whirls around, and looks straight into the eyes of a bemused Kyle Roberts.
CAM SCOTT: Oh. Hey, Kyle.
KYLE ROBERTS: Cam.
CAM SCOTT: (chuckles nervously) What’s up?
KYLE ROBERTS: Oh, you know. The usual.
CAM SCOTT: Ah, cool.
KYLE ROBERTS: (motioning for the microphone) Do you mind if I take that?
CAM SCOTT: Nah, dude, it’s all cool.
Kyle takes the mic.
KYLE ROBERTS: I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, Cam. Not specifically to you, but to anyone who wants to listen.
CAM SCOTT: Oh, okay.
KYLE ROBERTS: Are you involved in a match tonight?
CAM SCOTT: Sure am, Kyle.
KYLE ROBERTS: Then why don’t you get ready for that? For now, why don’t you get the hell out of MY ring?
The Polish Hall explodes in cheers as Cam takes his wig back and exits the ring. Joey is practically hopping around in excitement.
KYLE ROBERTS: WHAT’S UP, EDMONTON!
And the applause and cheers blow the roof off the place.
KYLE ROBERTS: It’s been a while, people! What? Ten months since I came back to kick the hell out of Donovan Astros and Jake Phoenix? A month since Bruce and I tried to take back the NAPW tag team titles and came THIS close to finally beating Evan Cartwright? Sure, he’s got some jackass partner, but we’ve all seen how I’ve been able to beat him down time after time after time.
But these days I’m taking it easy. Well, sort of. I’m in New York City these days, putting on match after match of awesomeness for a DVD that will be coming out in the future. A DVD you’ll be able to pick up for yourselves at kyleroberts.com eventually. That’s right, kyleroberts.com. Your only stop for the most awesome merchandise you’ll ever need. I wanted to call it kyleroberts.org, but someone told me that only stood for organization. What a bummer.
The crowd laughs.
KYLE ROBERTS: But as much as I love entertaining the world, it all comes down to one place. The first place that really gave me a chance to fly. A chance to conquer. A promotion that blew the roof off of any crowds I’d see in Moose Jaw Pro or Gastown. No, it was New Alberta Pro that launched the career of yours truly, and I will always be thankful for that. Not that you guys would admit that for a few years.
But I consider this a great privilege. No matter where I go or what I do, if I really dominate the big leagues or just end up being a giant Canadian TV star, appearing on The Border, it all started here. And it started with the best jeerers a guy could ever want.
Thank you for taking me into NAPW. And thank you for recognizing my genius. Although it took you long enough.
The crowd laughs as Kyle takes the plaque from Bill Hewson and shakes his hand. Joey runs in for a hug, but Kyle just raises his hand and Joey backs off. And Kyle leaves the ring to a standing ovation from the Edmonton crowd.
JACK JONES: And ever since then, I’ve been banned from Joe Louis Arena.
BILL HEWSON: Well, I can see why!
JACK JONES: Who’d have thought that Gordie Howe could still throw a punch at the age of 78?
BILL HEWSON: Why don’t we move onto our next match?
FRANK WARBURTON: This is the opening match of NAPW’s Anniversary Assault III, and is the COSTUME BATTLE ROYALE! Wrestlers will enter the match, eliminations occur when somebody is thrown over the top rope and lands with both feet touching the floor. The last wrestler standing will be the winner! Now, introducing first…
“TOO MUCH, TOO YOUNG, TOO FAST!”
BILL HEWSON: That’s Trent Daniels’ music, I wonder what costume his fans picked for him?
The Street Team in the front row are holding up signs with their choices for Trent’s costume, which they could vote for on TrentDaniels.com. They eagerly watch the curtain, and then Trent Daniels bursts through, dressed as…
himself?
FRANK WARBURTON: Trent Daniels!
The crowd cheers nonetheless, though seemingly confused. Daniels hits the ring and takes the mic from Frank.
TRENT DANIELS: For Hallowe’en this year, I decided to dress as the Greatest Wrestler of All Time… MYSELF!
BILL HEWSON: Well, Trent Daniels is not lacking confidence on his return to NAPW. From what I understand his ribs, after months of chronic pain, have finally healed up to almost 100%.
JACK JONES: I thought the rib tape was just part of his outfit.
BILL HEWSON: Looking to make a splash in his return…
“YOU AIN’T NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG!
CRYIN’ ALL THE TIME!
WELL, YOU AIN’T NEVER GOT A RABBIT
AND YOU AIN’T NO FRIEND OF MINE!”
FRANK WARBURTON: ELVIS has entered the Battle Royale!
BILL HEWSON: It’s JC COOK!
JACK JONES: THIS IS A TRAVESTY! HOW DARE HE INSULT THE KING LIKE THAT!
The crowd pops huge as “Elvis Presley” Cook heads to the ring in a sequined jumpsuit, pompador wig, and giant sideburns. The sideburns are Cook’s natural burns, mind. He hits the ring and immediately Trent tries to toss him over the top rope. JC holds on and swings back in, popping Daniels with a right hand. He gives a little Shake, Rattle & Roll and hits a neckbreaker, Honky Tonk Man style.
JACK JONES: Wait, is he dressed like Elvis or dressed as an Elvis impersonator impersonating Elvis?
Elvis tries to toss Trent, stopped by a series of elbows. Snap mare by Daniels… BIG SPINE KICK! Elvis Cookly oooos in pain…
“WHERE I’VE GOT ALL HELL FOR A BASEMENT!”
FRANK WARBURTON: “THE MOOSE” MARK MILLAR has entered the Battle Royale!
BILL HEWSON: No costume for The Moose, I suppose he’s too “cool” for Hallowe’en. I thought all the wrestlers had to wear one in this match…
JACK JONES: The Moose and Wayne Wright are tired of NAPW trying to hold them down! They’re going to win this match and never look back, without silly costumes!
The Moose steps into the ring and goes after both men with punches. He lifts up Trent for the ROUGHNECK — COUNTERED! SYSTEMS CRASH! The Moose pops, dazed, only for JC Cook to swoop in and deliver a clothesline that sends Moose to the floor below!
FRANK WARBURTON: The Moose has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: That was… brief.
“AS LOW AS YOU GO!”
JACK JONES: Oh my God! It can’t be!
BILL HEWSON: That’s the music of The New & Improved D-X! But… they’re not wrestling tonight!
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match, accompanied by Coach Steffany Jago… Stylin’ Cam Scott and “The Beast” Mike Johnston, THE NEW & IMPROVED DUDE-X!
The crowd pop huge as THE DUDES Cam Scott and Mike Johnston come through the curtain dressed as D-X! Cam is still in his Kyle outfit from earlier, with awful green and gold tights and pasted on chest hair. Mike (the smaller of the pair, and much smaller than the REAL Beast) is wearing a duster and cowboy hat over black pants and a sleeveless shirt. Their new manager Cheerleader Steffany is dressed in college sweats, a pillow stuffed under her belly, hair tucked up in a cap and a whistle in her mouth. Dude-X hit the ring and it’s a brouhahaha!
BILL HEWSON: The Dudes live to annoy Kyle Roberts and Bruce Richards, they’re getting in one more lick tonight! The fans sure have missed them by the sounds of it!
JACK JONES: Stupid fans. I was perfectly happy living a Dude-free existence!
The Dudes get into it with Trent Daniels, taking him down with a double side-russian leg sweep! JC Cook tries to get at them, only to get nailed. Cam comes off the ropes and delivers a Throwback… AKA Kyle Roberts’ POLAR-IZER! Mike Johnston… goes to the top?!
BILL HEWSON: They’re going for D-X’s Down & Dirty finisher! Mike is the high-flier of The Dudes, looking to complete it… DIVING MOONSAULT! Beast-style! The Dudes are rocking and rolling!
“SCHOOL’S OUT! FOR! SUMMER!
SCHOOL’S OUT! FOR! EVER!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, AL B. DAMNED… er, AL B. COOPER!
BILL HEWSON: It’s Al B. Damned!
JACK JONES: That backstabbing goth n go wannabe! He ruined Sebastien Martyr!
Dressed as — you guessed it — great shockrocker ALICE COOPER, the massive B Damned hits the ring. Mike Johnston runs at him, MASSIVE hip toss! Trent runs at him, ATOMIC drop! How about JC Cook? MEGA body Slam! Damned turns around, CAMERON SCOTT WITH A LINEBACKER TACKLE! The former college football star just a shade smaller than B. Damned, he takes the man down to a huge pop! Wait a minute. Trent Daniels tries to nail a rising Cook! Countered! PRESSURE COOKER Rocker Dropper from Cook onto Daniels!
“GOT WHAT I GOT!
THE HARD WAY!
I’M A SOULLLLLLL MAAAAAAAAAAN!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, Joliet Jack Blues and Elwood Blues, the BLUES BROTHERS!
BILL HEWSON: It’s the CALGARY CONNECTION! The Hatchet and The Fixer are here!
The Fixer Elwood Blues and The Hatchet Jake Blues hit the ring and get into it. They don’t even take off their sunglasses but knock a few guys down, then deliver a HART ATTACK to JC Cook! Yeowch! They call that the Moe Green Special. The Calgary Connection dance in their high pants, white socks and all, until The Dudes grab them each by the belt buckle and turf them over the top rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: The Blues Brothers have been eliminated!
“BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS!
WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU?”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… “BAD BOY” JOEY MALONE!
Yes, it is the “Bad Boy” dressed in his greaser outfit from earlier, to a tremendous ovation. Joey hits the ring where five guys are in and starts throwing right hands. When those don’t work, he starts raking and poking eyes! There’s a BAD BLASTER on Mike Johnston! Joey goes for Al B Damned and tries to muscle him over the top rope. That… uh… doesn’t go very well for him. Damned knocks him down with a big overhand chop. Trent Daniels and JC Cook are trying to force Cam Scott over the top rope as Mike collects himself.
“King of the Kill” by Annihilator blasts from the PA…
FRANK WARBURTON: STIFF COMPETITION of Rod Hardway and “Durty” Dutch Flanagan have entered the match!
JACK JONES: Now here’s a team I’d love to see back in NAPW full-time!
BILL HEWSON: Hardway and Flanagan were almost Tag Team champions in the fall of 2006 before visa issues prevented them from continuing in NAPW! They’d love to make a big impact tonight!
Dutch is dressed as NASCAR and southern icon Richard Petty, completely with huge mustache, wearing a racing uniform. Rod Hardway is wearing a construction worker’s outfit which he believes makes him look sexy to all the ladies, showing off his sculpted biceps and blasted lats. A few ladies check him out, mind you, but the male fans jeer them both like crazy.
Stiff Competition hit the ring and go for the one man not doing anything, who happens to be poor Joey Malone. Rod destroys the man with a lariat and Dutch hits A Roll In The Mud, his version of the Rolling Thunder! That’s not enough though, Dutch goes to the top rope as Rod picks up Joey and feeds him to Dutch… DIRTY WAY BOMB! Superbomb style. Joey is toast, but before Stiff Competition can pick him up, Alice Cooper B Damned knocks Dutch down and gets into it with the 325 pound Hardway! In one corner, Cam Scott is trying to put Trent Daniels over the top. Elvis is trying to put Johnston over in another corner.
“SAY HELLO TO DA BAD GUY.”
Razor Ramon’s music plays, bringing out…
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, RAZOR RAMON!
A bug-eyed slick latino comes out. On a leash is a small bug-eyed pug… who is also dressed as Razor Ramon with a spit curl, doggie vest and toothpick in its mouth. This is Turancula of the AWESOME WRESTLING EXPLOSION!
BILL HEWSON: The first representative of Awesome Wrestling eXplosion is here!
“Razor” hits the ring and immediately grabs the lightweight Dutch Flanagan… “It’s over!” he says. RAZOR’S EDGE! Dutch is down WHOA! Trent Daniels tries to dump Turancula from behind, no dice though. Daniels hits the ropes, forearm shot, Turancula won’t go down. Daniels hits the ropes again, flying crossbody block…
Caught.
FALLAWAY SLAM!
Turancula does the “ME ME ME” thumb point and stomps the mat exactly how you remember to HUGEPOP!.
“Do do do, do do DO, DO!”
The Super Mario Bros. theme plays?
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match, the team of the SUPER STORMIO BROS… MARIO T GUNDERSON, LUIGI TEMPEST, AND PRINCESS “TEX” DAISY!
Dressed as the classic Nintendo characters, here comes Storm! North hits the ring and the first thing he does is nail Al B Damned with the BLACKOUT enziguri! Tempest gets in the ring and grabs the big Hardway, BELLY TO BELLY! Big show of strength! Tex is ALSO in the ring, this match is intergender, and she’s showing just how girlie she is — by kicking the crap out of JC Cook!
BILL HEWSON: If I didn’t know better, I’d swear JC Cook was an ex-boyfriend from the way Tex is attacking him!
JACK JONES: She is one aggressive lady! If only somebody could tame her…
BILL HEWSON: You don’t have a chance, Jack.
There are a ton of bodies in the ring right now, but nobody has been eliminated for a couple minutes…
“BATMAN! BATMAN! BATMANNNNNN!”
The 60s Batman tv show theme plays, causing the crowd pop…
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… the team of… sigh. BUTTMAN and RUBBIN, accompanied by ALTHFRED… TEAM MAN!
The cheering subsides when Thor Heinie in the most sock stuffed costume since Adam West, Dan The Man in a far too short-short Robin costume, and Lance in a butler costume – with only half a shirt – come out. Thor has a Hallowe’en bucket that reads “Thor’s Balls” on it and is flinging bags of Thor’s Swedish Meatballs to the crowd. All the wrestlers in the ring stop and look on in horror as the well-oiled muscular meatheads step in, making sure to bend right over going through the ropes. As one, everybody in the ring bails under the bottom…
Except Rob Hardway.
The bodybuilder dressed as a construction worker.
JACK JONES: Wrestling is ruined forever.
Thor and Dan the Man look on Rod Hardway appraisingly as Rod seems slightly confused. Why would Team Man look him over that way? Hm ho ho! Lance is nearly hyper-ventilating as “Batman” and “Robin” suddenly hit the ropes and collide with Rod Hardway… in a 4-color MANWICH! “Now that was a manwich, Thor! Hm ho ho!” “Ya, and now he should try Thor’s Balls!”
The crowd is horrified.
The wrestlers are horrified.
Rod gets up, mouth wide open in utter disgust, and promptly leaps over the top rope and runs back down the aisle, eliminating himself. Or you could say Team Man eliminated him. Dan and Thor look disappointed.
And then GWAR hits.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the Battle Royale, SUZY SCUM!
BILL HEWSON: Here comes the World Champion’s main squeeze, and she’s dressed as TANK GIRL! That’s a fitting costume if I ever saw one!
JACK JONES: What’s Tank Girl?
BILL HEWSON: Oh Jack Attack, you’re so out of touch.
JACK JONES: … YOU’RE FORTY FIVE!
Suzy Scum hits the ring where Dan and Thor are taking turns posing “for the fans, who are gagging with fear. She hits the ring as the two manly man men look down at her spritely punk rock form. “Hm ho ho, who is this little girl?” “You need to eat a steak, but stay away from Thor’s Balls. They’re not for for *your* kind. You can’t even be a closet man fan!” They mock her until Scum drops to both knees and delivers two uppercuts right to the ManBoxes! Thor and Dan knock knees in pain as Lance screams in horror. Suzy grabs Thor and Irish Whips him into Dan, sending both members of Team Man to the floor below! Then she grabs the snivelling, lisping Lance by the tie and tosses him over onto his bosses!
FRANK WARBURTON: Team Man have been eliminated! Also, Rod Hardway was eliminated!
Suzy is still alone in the ring, most of the other wrestlers are still recovering their eyeballs. I think Trent threw up in his mouth a little. When suddenly, epic, orchestral music hits… the crowd begins to chant.
“GOLLLLDBERRRRG
GOLLLLLDBERRRRG
GOLLLLLDBERRRRG”
FRANK WARBURTON: THE CRUSHER has entered the match!
Dressed clearly as his idol, Bill Goldberg, Crusher stands in the curtain way and does the motions even if there’s no pyro. He stalks to the ring as Scum watches him, gets in, SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR —
Scum sidesteps and lowbridges the top rope! Crusher sails over!
FRANK WARBURTON: THE CRUSHER has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: He’s here and he’s gone! The Crusher is outta here!
JACK JONES: So much for the streak.
Finally all the other wrestlers pile into the ring. The current roster is “Razor Ramon” Turancula, “Brooklyn” Joey Malone, Alice Cooper B Damned, “Richard Petty” Dutch Flanagan, the Mario Bros costumed North, Tempest and Tex, The New & Improved Dude-X encouraged on the floor by Coach Steffy Jago and her whistle, and the first two men in the match, Elvis “JC” Presley and Trent Daniels as himself.
And then the sirens play.
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, Ace Adams and Stevene Wylde, CENSORSHIP AGAINST BAD STUFF… CABS!
BILL HEWSON: … that’s not a costume. Is it?
JACK JONES: It looks like when you try to dress casual for biz-caz-fri. As in, poorly.
Wylde and Ace both appear to be dressed as “office workers on Hawaiian shirt day.” In other words, their usual outfit of black slacks, shoes, white shirts, tie, but with a loud Hawaiian shirt over top of it. It looks very bad but CABS hit the ring and start doing damage. NO! The crowd boos as Wylde tosses Joey Malone over the top rope! What a shame. The Dudes pound fists and come after CABS, they can’t like the CABS anti-slack attitude. While those two teams get into it, Suzy Scum and Tex have discovered that they don’t like each other, while Tempest and B Damned go at it. Dutch Flanagan is trying to stave off elimination from the tall Turancula…
“ONE TWO THREE O’CLOCK FOUR O’CLOCK ROCK! WE’RE GONNA ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK TONIGHT!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Joey Malone has been eliminated! Now entering the match, MANDY TREVATHAN!
BILL HEWSON: Here comes the sole female member of the Worker’s Guild, but her pal Joey just got tossed!
A vision in bobby sox, poodle skirt and sweater, Mandy checks on Joey (gee, their costumes match. How cute!) before sliding into the ring. She slaps both Ace and Wylde across the face… they just glare at her, then each grab a wrist. “You are exactly what CABS was formed to stop!” CABS easily pick Mandy up and toss her over the top rope right beside Joey to a chorus of boos. The Dudes try to toss CABS from behind, but Wylde and Adams both hold and hit the apron, rolling back in.
FRANK WARBURTON: Mandy has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: The CABS are a bunch of jerks.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… NEO!
BILL HEWSON: It’s Shadow of the AWX!
JACK JONES: No, it’s Keanu Reeves!
Shadow climbs the top rope and does a dive onto Tempest, who was trying to put Turancula out. Turancula then gives Shadow a boost for an assisted moonsault onto the big man! Tex and North come over and get into it with them as B Damned tries to toss Dutch. The Dudes, JC Cook and Trent Daniels are trying to push CABS over in two corners as Suzy Scum scouts things out from a corner, taking advantage of everybody else being occupied to catch a breather.
“NO SLEEP TONIGHT!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match, LADY SPARKS and ROSIE CHEEKS!
Dressed as sexy devils, the would-be women’s champion and her manager/friend hit the ring. Rosie goes to try to help eliminate her former allies CABS but Lady Sparks immediately goes for Suzy Scum, who she tagged with unsuccessfully last week against White Chocolate! Sparks sends Scum to the ropes and delivers a big discus clothesline, knocking Scum down. She grabs a handful of hair and tries to toss Suzy, but Scum grabs the top rope and fights it off. Roundhouse punch gets her free and Scum starts brawling with Sparks!
BILL HEWSON: This is NAPW — where the ladies fight harder then the men! These two are going at it!
JACK JONES: Either one would be a great women’s champion, much better than Tiffany Macintyre, if only they could have gotten along last week.
BILL HEWSON: There can only be one women’s champion, Jack Attack, and both of these ladies know it! The ring is filling up!
“JAIL HOUSE ROCK!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match, CLINT ZELLOR!
Dressed in an orange prisoner jumpsuit, the big afroed Clint Zellor hits the ring. The CABS have gotten free as guys scatter and try to eliminate others — JC COOK TOSSED BY DANIELS — NO! Cook manages to land on the apron and roll in, the first two men STILL in this thing! Clint Zellor however starts nailing Steven Wylde! A charging Ace Adams hits — NO! CAUGHT! SPINEBUSTER CLINT! He grabs Ace, Wylde nails him from behind. WATCH OUT! North T Gunderson tossed over the top, NO! He hangs on, one foot touches, but he’s able to swing back up without touching both feet! The man who tried to toss him, Al B Damned, has already turned around, and that lets North nail the man with a BLACKOUT! Damned stumbles forward into Tempest, who picks him up in a TORTURE RACK! He could toss Damned, even… no, Damned manages to get an elbow into Tempest’s face. Dutch Flanagan is trying to eliminate Elvis “JC” Presley now as Turancula is fending off The Dudes. Shadow is having his own problems with Suzy Scum as Tex tries to dump Rosie Cheeks.
“THEY CALL ME THE SEEKER!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match, MODO WHOA!
The masked man is dressed as… a masked man. Modo WHOA! is dressed as Zorro. With the Zorro mask over top of his skeleton face mask. Ooookay.
And yes, at this point, all of Ben’s characters are in the match excepting Stone Zellor, who is of course wrestling later tonight.
Just wanted to point that out.
The WHOA! man hits the ring and starts dishing it kicks, then hits a huricanrana to take down Tempest! Wait a minute. There is a CABS member in either corner… WHOA! with a butt bump to Wylde! A butt bump to Ace in the other corner! The WHOA! Man Cometh!
BILL HEWSON: There are SEVENTEEN bodies in the ring, this match has slowed to a crawl. There’s barely any room to move inside there!
JACK JONES: It’s been a few minutes since we had an elimination, something has to give Hewson! That’s just how these matches work.
BILL HEWSON: Trent Daniels trying to eliminate Mike Johnston here…
Suddenly, darkness.
JACK JONES: I really hate when this happens.
The Rick Derringer guitar riff hits.
BILL HEWSON: COULD IT BE?
“HERE COMES THE AX!
HERE COMES THE SMASHER!
THE DEMOLIITION!
WALKING DISASTER!
PAIN AND DESTRUCTION IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!
THE DEMOLITION — BETTER SAY YOUR ACT OF CONTRITION!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, the team of DEMOLITION AL, DEMOLITION BOBBY… CELTIC DEMOLITION!
BILL HEWSON: The Celtic Assassins — I mean, Bobby O’Brady and Al Thoes are back! They legally can’t be called Celtic Assassins anymore, but they found… something better for tonight!
JACK JONES: Barry Darsow is turning over in his grave.
BILL HEWSON: …
The crowd is going crazy as Celtic Demolition stand in the entry way in face-paint and black leather! Team Man are going to be sad they missed this. Wait, what? Bobby and Al stalk to the ring and then get ambushed as they enter by half the ring.
And bodies start piling up!
BILL HEWSON: DEMOLITION ARE CLEANING HOUSE! DEMOLITION AL HAS DUTCH FLANAGAN UP — TOSSED! Wait a minute, Clint Zellor tries to jump, Demolition Bobby sends him over the top rope! Al B Damned gets clotheslined over the top by Al! My God, Demolition Derby!
JACK JONES: You waited all week to say that, didn’t you. Can’t we stop this AL ON AL violence?
BILL HEWSON: Trent Daniels goes over — he grabs the rope, just barely hanging on! Shadow just got dumped by Bobby! JC Cook sent over by Al… he holds on again avoiding elimination OH! Trent Daniels NAILED Cook on the apron, and Elvis has been eliminated! Kind of a cheap move by Trent Daniels there.
JACK JONES: It’s every man for himself!
BILL HEWSON: The WHOA! man coming off the top rope onto Al Thoes… oh no! He’s caught, NO WAY! Thoes holding him in place, here comes Bobby… DEMOLITION DECAPITATION!! And Modo Whoa gets tossed over the top rope with ease! Wait a minute! Celtic Demolition together lifting up TEMPEST… OH MY GOSH, HE’S DUMPED OUT! WHAT POWER!
JACK JONES: Watch out watch out!
BILL HEWSON: Oh my gosh — Ace Adams just eliminated an unsuspecting Rosie Cheeks! The leader of CABS just tossed his former ally!
JACK JONES: She never should have left the CABS, Bill. She’s become what the CABS fight against and it’s a real shame.
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the match, MYSTIC NENJI! Eliminated from the match…*deep breath* Dutch Flanagan, Clint Zellor, Al B Damned, Shadow, JC Cook, Modo WHOA!, Tempest and Rosie Cheeks! Whew!
Cook struts down the aisle and disappears through the curtain.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen… Elvis has left the building!
“WHEN IT’S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL PARTY HARD”
The AWX’s Nenji speeds down the aisle dressed as NAPW fan favorite MYSTIC NINJA! He hits the ring and goes right for Trent Daniels!
Lady Sparks can’t avenge Rosie as she is occupied as Tex and Scum have teamed up to try to put her out. CABS are celebrating their victory, but suddenly come face to face with the DUDES! Mike and Cam start rocking CABS with punches, they grab Wylde… double neckbreaker! SUPER NECK CRICK! And he gets TOSSED!
BILL HEWSON: And now Ace Adams is all alone with two men who just want to have fun, and don’t like guys who try to stop that. CABS are certainly NOT dudes!
Ace begins to plead, offering his hand out. The Dudes grin and give him the thumbs up. Relief spreads across Ace’s face… until The Dudes wink and clock him to a huge reaction! Cam picks up Ace, positions him, as Mike goes to the top rope! THE SLACK ATTACK CONNECTS! The Powerbomb/Overcastle combination, and the crowd loves it! The Dudes grab Ace and unceremoniously toss him over the top rope to Steven Wylde on the floor below!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ace Adams and Steven Wylde CABS have been eliminated!
And then some heavy metal music hits.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… MISERY.
Misery comes through the curtain in ratty old clothes and a disturbing leather mask. He’s also wearing bunny ears. Go figure.
BILL HEWSON: Misery’s old rival JC Cook has already been eliminated, but… OH MY! Chokeslam to Mike Johnston! Chokeslam to Cameron Scott! Misery with a big boot to Demolition Al! Trent Daniels gets knocked down! And oh my ! Misery just goozled Tex, he’s going to chokeslam her!
JACK JONES: That would hardly be the worst thing he’s done to a woman. I mean, do you remember the stuff he used to…
BILL HEWSON: I try to repress those memories.
JACK JONES: Me too! We’re BONDING!
The crowd is booing the hell out of Misery… when a furious North T Gunderson nails him with a superkick! Tex is free, but Misery isn’t down. North runs in trying for an enziguri again, but Misery just swats him away. North lands on his feet, however, and grabs his man for SLICED BREAD #2 — no! Misery counters, pulling the lightweight North into position for the Misery Loves Company Tombstone!
No!
North kicks out! Takes out Misery’s knee… SHINING WIZARD! Misery hobbles on his ankle as North flies at him with one more superkick … AND HEROICALLY KNOCKS MISERY OVER THE TOP ROPE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Misery has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: What a performance by North to save Tex, single-handedly eliminating the massive Misery! He never could win a title in NAPW, but North has no shortage of talent WAIT A MINUTE TRENT DANIELS FROM BEHIND! My GOD! North was checking on Tex and Daniels snuck right in and dumped him over the top!
JACK JONES: I’m starting to like Trent Daniels in this match, he’s doing all the *right* things! Maybe he finally gets it.
BILL HEWSON: Well, it is like you said every man for himself but Daniels really seems to be taking the shortcuts here tonight…
FRANK WARBURTON: North T Gunderson has been eliminated!
The crowd actually begins to boo Trent Daniels. The Street Team in particular isn’t sure what to make of this, but Daniels is clearly not concerned with that. Trent Daniels, The Dudes, Celtic Demolition, Scum, Sparks, Tex, Nenji and Turancula are all still in this thing.
“ALL HELL FOR A BASEMENT!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… WAYNE WRIGHT!
Wayne Wright, like his partner Moose, is not wearing a costume because he’s a no-fun jerk. He also nails Tex from behind as she advances on Trent Daniels and tosses her right out to a chorus of boos.
FRANK WARBURTON: Tex has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: All the Super Mario Bros have been eliminated… We are drawing to a close, only a few entrants still to come!
JACK JONES: Yeah, and none of them any good. Yeesh.
Wayne spies Trent Daniels and The Dudes trying to put out Turancula and goes over to help him, only to be pulled off by Celtic Demolition. Nenji pulls Daniels off of Turancula… oh my! Daniels nails him with his Ottawa Trios combo, taking Nenji down hard. He tries to send the man over… Suzy Scum attacks Demolition Al, jumping on his broad back and trying to choke him out. Lady Sparks skulks near the bottom of the ring ropes… looking for her spot…
And then the theme from Baywatch plays?
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… TONY HASSELHOFF!
BILL HEWSON: It’s TONY! My goodness, we haven’t seen him since the Nation of Innovation dissolved earlier this year! He’s coming to the rescue!
JACK JONES: Very slowly. Very slowly coming to the rescue.
TONY is running in slow-motion to the ring, a la Baywatch. He’s wearing orange shorts, flip-flops and has his hair curled to look like THE HASSELHOFF’s. And he’s carrying a wading pool above his head? In the ring the action continues as Mitch
slowly
comes closer.
Oh my! The Dudes toss Trent Daniels over the top rope, but he barely grabs onto the top rope. One foot touches the ground but not both and he’s able to swing back in. He sneaks up on Demolition Bobby and almost tips him over the top using LEVERAGE (oh, Physics!), but Demoltion Al cuts him off. Suzy Scum is stomping on Nenji in a corner as Turancula tangles with Wayne Wright.
And then the theme from Baywatch plays?
Again?
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… TONY’S MOM-ELA ANDERSON!
JACK JONES: MY EYES OH GOD MY EYES!
BILL HEWSON: It’s… well, it’s TONY’s mom… dear god, there are CHILDREN in the building!
JACK JONES: THE HORROR, THE HORROR, WHAT A WORLD…
Yes.
TONY’s mom in all her walrus-like glory.
Is running in slow-motion to the ring in an orange Baywatch bathing suit and nothing else. The fat rolls and ripples, cascading in waves.
Is it as horrifying as you can imagine, or WORSE?
TONY has finally put his pool down and rolled into the ring, still moving in slow motion. A bemused Mike Johnston greets him… and knocks him down with a clothesline. TONY’s Mom is barrelling down on the ring in slow fat motion, finally rolling in. Suzy Scum and Lady Sparks hold down their vomit and try to toss her, but they can’t even get a grip. A drumstick pops out of a roll.
BILL HEWSON: This is… huh.
JACK JONES: Where is that switchblade? I won’t need my eyes anymore.
“It’s me or it’s you and I get to decide
Which one lives and which one dies
Where and when?
How and why?
HERE and NOW!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… DANNY CHAOS!
The crowd is unfamiliar with the man who comes through the curtain, but pop when they see the man dressed as THE FLASH!
BILL HEWSON: An NAPW newcomer, Danny Chaos looks fired up and ready to go… here we go! Chaos in the ring, Wayne Wright goes right after him — what a takedown! Wayne up, oh MY what a stiff kick to the chest from Chaos! Spin kick… The Edge Break! What a reverse DDT from Danny Chaos! He picks Wayne Wright up and tosses him to the floor! Wayne is gone!
FRANK WARBURTON: Wayne Wright has been eliminated!
Wayne is yelling on the outside but Chaos has him. Meanwhile, TONY is arguing with his mom as the other wrestlers try their best to ignore them. TONY tries to direct his mom in the ring, it’s not working well. “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN IT FOR ME, MOM?” “DON’T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT YOUNG MAN!” Tony scowls — Danny Chaos with a dropkick into TONY’s Mom! Tony bounces off her ample bosom and Chaos clips him with a spinning heel kick to the outside! TONY’s Mom squeals as her young man is tossed, and comes after Danny Chaos. The crowd gasps in horror as she thunders towards him with her heavy hooves, but Chaos is quick as his costume and catches her in a huricanrana… she resists but Chaos has the momentum and he sends BOTH of them over the top rope — but he lands on the apron as TONY’s Mom falls to the floor and is eliminated!
FRANK WARBURTON: TONY and TONY’s Mom have been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: What a … travesty. I suppose.
JACK JONES: DANNY CHAOS IS MY FAVORITE WRESTLER EVER.
“THIS IS MY ADDICTION!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the Battle Royale, DEXTRO!
BILL HEWSON: The Meth Orphan back in NAPW for one night and he — apparently raided Suzy Scum’s closet. Huh.
JACK JONES: Yet another sight I NEVER NEEDED TO SEE EVER.
Dextro hits the ring and is immediately sized up by Suzy Scum, who scowls at him. Dextro is also, uh, dressed as Tank Girl.
Yeah.
KKP’s flame immediately starts punching out Dextro who cowers and squeals.
BILL HEWSON: Well, I can’t say it’s much different than the way KKP and Tommy Deathrow treated him all these years. What’s going on outside the ring?
JACK JONES: If it involves TONY’s Mom, I’m sure I don’t want to know. This night couldn’t possibly get any worse.
BILL HEWSON: Wait a minute, that man in the sweater and slacks… he’s good enough! He’s smart enough! And doggone people like him … Jack Attack, it’s STEIN!
JACK JONES: I was wrong!
Stein, bizarrely dressed as Stuart Smalley from SNL, has come from nowhere and is lurching in his strange slow manner towards TONY’s Mom. She sniffs and turns her head, and at that moment Stein trips and falls face first in the (empty) pool TONY brought down. Stein starts kicking and thrashing, then stops. TONY is through the curtain but TONY’s Mom can’t fight the call and drags Stein out of the “drink.”
BILL HEWSON: He’s not moving! I think he may have drowned!
JACK JONES: Oh come ON Hewson! STOP PLAYING ALONG! IT’S WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Stein is not moving. TONY’s Mom has no choice…
But to deliver CPR.
Pump! Pump! Pump! Breathe! Breathe! Breathe! Pump! Pump! Pump! Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!
Miraculously, Stein starts coughing and moving again. Their eyes meet.
And in that instant, TONY’s Mom realizes that Stein truly IS the love of her life. She scoops him up into her flabby, massive arms and carries him up the aisle in a freakishly romantic finale to NAPW’s most screwed up storyline.
Also, “Did you ever know you are my Hero” starts playing as they leave.
Oooooookay.
BILL HEWSON: *sniff*… Happy endings DO happen! Good for Stein! He just wants to be happy!
JACK JONES: I’m — NOT — HEARING THIS!
BILL HEWSON: Wait! Do you hear that?
JACK JONES: Oh. No. This match was designed to kill me, I know it.
What do they hear?
WHAT do the wrestlers in the ring hear?
WHAT do the fans hear?
WHO
IS
THE
BEE?!
FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEES!
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the match… THE FLEA!
And out from the curtain comes the angriest, *CUTEST* midget you ever did see, dressed in a bee costume… with a cartoon FLEA costume over top of it. The Bee runs to the ring as fast as his little legs can carry him and leaps up, struggling to get over the ring apron inside. Finally he does, and it’s STINGING TIME!
The Bee — er — FLEA — stings anybody in his way! FURIOUSLY! Nenji grabs his friend The Bee and launches him at Cam Scott, knocking him down with authority. Now it’s Turancula’s turn, and he gives The Bee a FASTBALL SPECIAL into Mike Johnston! THE BEE IS CLEANING HOUSE —
DEXTRO FROM BEHIND ON MYSTIC NENJI! What a shot, and Dextro sends NENJI over the top rope! The crowd hates that!
FRANK WARBURTON: Nenji has been eliminated!
The crowd boos, but that angers Turancula and The Bee! The remaining AWX members go after Dextro, pounding him down! The Bee grabs Dextro — attempting to slam him with his tiny arms. It doesn’t get very far, not until Turancula helps out. Tandem slam! Turancula Ramon then helps The Bee hit a BEE SPLASH on top of Dextro! AWX scoop Dex’s cross-dressing carcass up and toss him out! Well, Turancula does most of the tossing and The Bee just tries to push, straining his tippy-toes.
FRANK WARBURTON: Dextro has been eliminated!
And then Trent Daniels again sneaks up behind The Bee, lifts him up, and delivers SYSTEMS CRASH to the fifty pounder. Oh, and then launches the pint-sized Bee over the top rope, The Bee landing hard on the concrete and groaning in pain.
FRANK WARBURTON: The Bee has been eliminated!
The crowd is booing Trent Daniels now. Turancula is incensed, eyes bugging out of his head. He comes after Daniels, but Trent slips out the bottom rope to get away. Turancula yells for Daniels to come in —
And that’s his fatal mistake, leaning over the top rope, taking his eyes off the situation.
Lady Sparks and Suzy Scum each see the opportunity, grab a leg, and using all their strength tip Turancula far enough over the top rope until gravity takes over and he spills out. Daniels laughs and stomps at Turancula on the outside as the crowd showers him with boos… except the Street Team. They just look on in shock.
FRANK WARBURTON: Turancula has been eliminated!
And then Suzy Scum shows her inexperience, turning to go after Danny Chaos. Lady Sparks scoops her up and eliminates her!
FRANK WARBURTON: Suzy Scum has been eliminated!
Suzy hits the floor and looks on with anger at the dastardly Lady Sparks. The crowd boos. They don’t LIKE Suzy Scum but she attacks head-on and has acquitted herself well in this match. Sparks has been sneaky, devilish and EVIL.
Suddenly, Suzy Scum begins to laugh. Sparks yells at her to stop when she feels each arm grasped. The crowd begins to cheer as CAM SCOTT and MIKE JOHNSTON each grab Sparks’ on either side! With ease they lift her light weight up and over the top rope… Sparks tries to kick and squirm free, yelling bloody murder, but The Dudes gently-as-possible deposit her over the top rope, letting her drop the last couple feet to the floor!
FRANK WARBURTON: Lady Sparks has been eliminated!
Suzy Scum laughs at her rival for the Women’s Title, as Sparks storms her way to the back. The Dudes do a minor jig and then, at the whistle of Coach Steffany, turn around to get serious for end-game.
BILL HEWSON: We are down to The Dudes… Trent Daniels, still on the outside but not eliminated… Danny Chaos and CELTIC DEMOLITION! And I think Chaos and The Dudes might want to ally b/c nobody’s been able to come close to eliminating Celtic Demolition in this match!
It’s true! Johnston runs at Bobby, gets lariated down! Chaos tries to catch Al with a kick, Al doesn’t even budge and clobbers Chaos down. Cam Scott has a similar size, tries to clothesline both men down… he rocks the Celts, but not hard enough. They hammer him down! The Dudes and Danny Chaos regroup, and then Trent Daniels is suddenly in the ring, grinning maliciously. The Dudes and Chaos look at him, look to the seemingly unstoppable Celts… and realize that the numbers are their only hope. They break!
Daniels and Cameron Scott go after Bobby! Chaos and Johnston attack Al! The Celts fight back to back, side to side, knocking their opponents away. They seem to be too much! Daniels rolls out of the ring again as The Dudes and Chaos try to regroup — wait a minute, Trent Daniels rolled out to the apron. He has Bobby by the arm on the outside, trying to drag his man over. Chaos momentarily stuns Al with an enziguri… and whether they like Daniels or not, The Dudes and Chaos tip Bobby over the top with Trent pulling on the other side! Bobby goes over! Al charges in! The Dudes and Danny Chaos scatter but Daniels pulls the top rope way down — Al doesn’t quite go over, but Daniels reaches over the top rope and then falls backwards, delivering a modified SYSTEMS CRASH to the jaw of Al! The Codebreaker-like move has Al seeing stars, and Trent Daniels sneaks in and dumps Al over the top rope.
FRANK WARBURTON: CELTIC DEMOLITION have been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: We are down to four men! The Dudes… Trent Daniels… Danny Chaos! Who’s going to win this match!
And now, The Dudes and Danny Chaos all look towards Trent Daniels. Daniels grins at them, then tries to bail under the bottom rope. No good! Cam grabs him by the back of the trunks and hauls him back in. Trent looks between his three opponents — and charges! He tries Johnston, only to get caught with an inverted atomic drop. He staggers towards Danny Chaos, where he gets kicked hard in the chest THUD. Towards Cam Scott… SIDEWALK SLAM! Daniels is being taken apart! And now The Dudes want to hit another SLACK ATTACK. Cam picks up Daniels as Mike goes to the top rope! Powerbomb…
Daniels with a low blow on Scott! Mike yells, but Daniels quickly shoves Mike off the top turnbuckle! Mike hits the guardrail below and is out! Cam Scott is trying to shake it off, Steffany whistling furiously, but Daniels nails him with several right hands. Here comes Danny Chaos in with a thurst kick DANIELS MOVES! Oh no! Chaos nails Cam Scott! Daniels takes advantage of a surprised/aghast Chaos and nails him with a Discus Elbow Smash… then hits a big clothesline to knock Cam Scott to the floor below as the crowd’s heart breaks.
FRANK WARBURTON: THE DUDES have been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: Trent Daniels is on a tear, even if I don’t like how he’s doing it… I think he’s at seven eliminates, Jack Attack, he’s tied the record! And this could break it right here!
JACK JONES: Can I join the Street Team? Because Trent Daniels has a new fan!
Daniels kicks Danny Chaos in the face and attempts to toss him over the top rope… Danny puts his hands up, grabbing the top rope, fighting his way off! Chaos trying to swing an elbow back into Daniels’ face. He knocks Daniels off, and charges, only to get taken down hard by a drop toe-hold. Daniels grabs a side headlock on the canvas, intending to go for his bulldog… but suddenly Chaos has switch out and grabbed the arm in a keylock! Trent is in deep trouble, no tap-outs, but… he tries to get up, Chaos switching the hold, both men on their feet and Trent does the only thing he can think of.
He tries to jump over the top rope and take Chaos with him!
Both men land on the ring apron, but Daniels succeeds in breaking the hold. He gets up and tries to deliver Systems Crash to Chaos, but Danny holds the top rope and Daniels instead crashes back first onto the edge of the ring apron… but he doesn’t go over! The crowd is nervous as heck as Daniels climbs to his feet, Chaos pulling him up — Daniels with an eye gouge. SUPERKICK — NO! Chaos grabs it! What the — FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX? INTO A MICHINOKU DRIVER! ON THE RING APRON! That’s THE CHAOS THEORY, and Trent Daniels… crashes to the floor!
FRANK WARBURTON: Trent Daniels has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: Danny Chaos has done it! What a huge victory for this young man on his first NAPW show, much like the way Rex Caliber debuted, winning a battle royale as a total unknown! This man may have earned a Heritage Title shot with this win here!
JACK JONES: Why are you saying it’s a “win,” Hewson?
BILL HEWSON: Why wouldn’t it be?
JACK JONES: There’s ONE MORE entrant, Hewson! Ha ha ha!
BILL HEWSON: What are you — oh NO!
Chaos is back in the ring, the crowd even thinks he’s won, but people are wondering why Danny’s music hasn’t hit, why Frank hasn’t introduced him as the winner.
And in the confusion, Prince W. Darko hops the guardrail and slides into the ring. Chaos doesn’t even see him coming when Darko grabs him from behind and beales him to and over the top rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: Danny Chaos has been eliminated! Here is your winner, PRINCE W. DARKO!
BILL HEWSON: WHAT? How did he — that can’t be right at all! Darko is injured, he can’t compete, he wasn’t IN this! How did this — Danny Chaos just got screwed! He won this match fair and square!
JACK JONES: If he’d won, he would be the winner, but he’s not. You know who’s a winner? PRINCE W. DARKO, Bill Hewson! Hahaha!
The crowd is booing like crazy. Danny Chaos clearly had the win… Darko somehow got in this match as the last man, at a time he could pick. Darko takes off the neck brace and tosses it down to the floor. Danny Chaos is looking up at the Prince…
This isn’t over, it’s just getting started!
JACK JONES: So I said, “yeah, she might be my cousin, but at least she’s hotter than your date!”
BILL HEWSON: Talk about awkward prom stories.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following tag team contest is set for one fall! Introducing first, at a total combined weight of Three Hundred pounds…Sean and Seamus, THE OOOOOOOO’CONNORRRRRR BOYS!
Sean and Seamus walk through the curtains as Dropkick Murphys blast, happy to see all and be apart of NAPW’s most prestigious event, Anniversary Assault! They walk past the crowd, exchange affection with them, before rolling into the ring and taking their place. Once they’re in the ring, it’s all business for the Boston boys.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents! First, from Paterson, New Jersey, he weighs in at Two-Hundred Twenty pounds…
“Ain’t I” begins to resonate through the crowd, giving them notice that…
FRANK WARBURTON: JER$EEEEEEEY!
Explodes through, and has a cocky manner to his demeanor, no doubt in his face. Not much respect, either. The O’Connor Boys, they know exactly what they’re up against, they don’t seem the least bit intimated; the negative presence only causes them to become more focused, and more attentive.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his partner, from Windsor, Ontario! He stands at a six-feet, two inches and scales in at two hundred thirty eight pounds — he is BILLY KRYENIK!
The crowd cuts him off, they’ve read the program, they’re no idiots, they know SICK. BILLY. KRYENIK. is coming through the curtains. They stand on their feet for: this shark, this beast, this legend this–this man. “Death of It All” blares, but it couldn’t make a dent in the appraisal the crowd welcomes Billy with. The appreciation is almost deafening.
Billy rolls through the ropes and slaps five with his partner Jer$ey. The referee tells both teams to stay in their corners and send out a legal man to start the match.
DING DING DING.
The match opens up with a tight lock up; Billy and Sean. Billy, being the stronger of the two, sends him into the corner and begins to vaporize Sean’s forehead with LETHAL rights, softening up the forehead tissue with every…single…blow. Billy feels no remorse as he ‘pounds’ his way through to the big ten. He jumps down from the second rope, backs up a bit — Sean stumbles into — HUGE POWERSLAM! A hook of the leg.
BILL HEWSON: This match is off to an EXPLOSIVE start!
JACK JONES: Like a roman candle going off in a 12-year-old’s fist.
Sean doesn’t even give Billy that sweet satisfaction of a one count. They’re both on their feet, Sean, being quick, slides his way around Billy, crushin’ him down to size with a chop block. Sean on the outside — BOY IS HE QUICK — calls for it — SPRING BOARD MOONSAULT! BILLY IS OUT OF THE WAY! SEAN LANDS ON HIS FEET! This fast-paced action gets the crowd’s blood pumping and their ass’s chanting for more. Sean rushes to the ropes and blows up with a Spinning Roundhouse heel kick. Billy is down, but gets right back up, walks into a quick clothesline — Sean is PUMPED! He tags himself out, Seamus leaps over the rope into somersault — HE’S READY FOR COMBAT GUYS! Billy tags himself out, giving Seamus action blue balls. Jer$ey comes through the ropes and is tossed across the damn ring with a Hurricanrana. Seamus gets up, trailing after the downed Jer$ey. Jer$ey’s getting up and starts to receive clubs to the back, the neck, and the head, but Jer$ey’s too strong to be held down, he shoves his opponent away. But! Seamus is too tenacious and thus, he is scooped and slammed for his tenacity. Jer$ey crushes poor Seamus’ neck with a MEAN (BLEEP)’ LEG DROP! Seamus’ body leaps up in the air, with Jer$ey’s anchor for a leg resting steady on that frail neck of his.
JACK JONES: Heh-heh, he looks like he’s been deliberated.
Jer$ey gets up, looks around with his so cocky smile, goes for a pin — PLAYING POSSOM!
ONE!
TWO!
THREKICKOUT!
The crowd is on their feet as if the seats have gone terribly uncomfortable at the exact same time, in a uncanny uniform like fashion. Or as if someone was playing fooseball with the crowd, and with the flick of the wrist, he controlled everyone of those people in the crowd and made them stand fully erect like an exclamation mark with mouths and arms connected to hands to clap, to clap at that turn of events right there. Jer$ey, unlike the crowd, is not the least bit ecstatic about that wonderful act of trick of treat. He begins to stomp away at the prankster. He drops to his knee, grabs hold of Seamus’ head and smashes it into the mat, then again and again. He begins to choke Seamus, choking the life, the crowd, they stand there and watch as Seamus kicks and tries to fight, and it only makes matters worse. Sean yells for the ref to do his job and the five count is instituted, Jer$ey breaking before he gets DQed. Jer$ey’s vile force of pure aggression still changes the tone of the match, and most importantly, the atmosphere. The crowd doesn’t boo, they stand there, in pure silence, a little disgusted by this. Kryenik asks for a tag, doesn’t get one, as Jer$ey pulls the dazed Seamus to his feet.
BILL HEWSON: Jer$ey has been impressing a lot of the NAPW fans, but he may be trying a little too hard to ‘make his mark’ right here at Anniversary Assault.
JACK JONES: You need to play with an edge in this industry, and Jer$ey is bringing that edge. What would you have do, dust Seamus off and have a tea party with him?
BILL HEWSON: No, but…
A horrifict DDT puts Seamus down, spiking his head into the canvas! Jer$ey gets up, and does another — yes — another DDT just as sick and gruesome as the previous DDT. He’s done enough — no, he doesn’t feel content at all, he wants to add, just a little bit more pain, a just a pinch, you can tell by how he smirks, and walks, and how his eyes look as he feasts them on Seamus’ body lying there. He grabs hold of the soft, silky white hair of Seamus, he brings him up to his feet, takes a deep stare — no, a brief scan at the crowd, then chuckles a little, a small devious chuckle, foreshadowing the worst… A FISHERMAN SUPLEX! The crowd cheer, but some are a little put off by Jer$ey’s aggression and cockiness. Cover ONE! TWO! Seamus kicks out. Jer$ey gets in the referee’s face, arguing the count. Suddenly Kryenik is yelling too, telling Jer$ey to calm down, and all three are arguing, not paying attention to the OCB.
Sean takes full advantage of this. He rushes into the ring, and pushes Seamus out of the way and takes his position!
JACK JONES: Hey — ! They’re cheating!
BILL HEWSON: Not entirely “legal” move there by the O’Connor Boys, the identical twins… you know they’ve done this kind of thing before in life when it served a purpose.
Billy officially tags in and has no clue it’s Sean instead of Seamus. He picks his man up INSIDE CRADLE!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
Kryenik gets up, stunned at how fast “Seamus” moved — and with that time, that time of shock, Sean super kicks Billy right in his unsuspecting chin, and it takes him down like a shot gun blast. Sean in is full control, and begins to unleash his vicious arsenal of high risk maneuvers, by first, going to the top of the rope and leaping into the air, for 360 splash. He crumbles Billy’s chest with that move. He brings Billy to his feet, for the whip into the ropes, Billy reverses, and rushes after Sean. Sean with his cat-like instincts and agility, rushes to the top of the rope — WHISPER IN THE WIND! He collides into Billy, like a two magnets that have been pulled apart, to ultimately rush back to each other and have the most violent rendezvous. Sean gets up to his feet, set for another move heading to the top rope… the referee is checking on Kryenik, he doesn’t see
Jer$ey slip brass knuckles onto his hand and push Sean off the top. Sean lands on his feet, whirls around —
POW!
Brass knuckles shot right to the face! The ref doesn’t see this, he doesn’t know — SEAN DOESN’T KNOW! Seamus is in his corner, still gathering his wits…
BILL HEWSON: This doesn’t look good.
JACK JONES: Yea rite, this bad boy has extra cheese on it.
BILL HEWSON: Not your na– oh never mind.
KAPLOWIE! Sean is staggering, lights on but nobody home, and Kryenik — with no idea of what just transpired — school boys him! Jer$ey turns his back and tosses the knuckles to the floor!
ONE!
TWO!
NOT LIKE THIS!
THREE! Seamus dives to save just a split-second too late!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners, Billy Kryenik & Jer$ey!
BILL HEWSON: The fans like it, but… if Billy Kryenik knew what Jer$ey did to get the W for his team, he might not be so thrilled.
JACK JONES: A win’s a win, Hewson. A win’s a win.
The crowd cheers, not everybody quite realized what happened. Some however DID see Jer$ey’s illegal blow… Kryenik is looking mildly puzzled at how out of it Sean is. Seamus looks at Kryenik, kind of saying “What the hell happened?” Billy shrugs and offers Seamus his hand. The Bostonian helps his brother up and both O’Connor Boys shake Billy’s hand. They competed intensely but have respect for one another. Kryenik turns his head and asks Jer$ey to come shake hands as well, and is surprised to see Jer$ey half-way up the aisle already, pumping his arms in victory.
The OCB leave the ring, leaving Kryenik standing with his hands on his hips. Kryenik & Jer$ey pick up the win, but what happens when everybody discovers how it came about?
JACK JONES: –and then I have to clean everything up! I spent hours wiping dried egg off of the doors and windows–pumpkin seeds EVERYWHERE–and honest-to-God, FOUR rolls of toilet paper up in the big tree alone! It took me half the day, and no one offered to help me!
BILL HEWSON: Well, it’s only fair. Michael Buble never actually DID anything to you…
JACK JONES: Stupid lousy courts.
If music could sneer, then this song’s also flipping you the bird. Ryan Adams is on the sound system, and that can only mean one thing–
FRANK WARBURTON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN–please welcome on the way to the ring–he is a THREE-TIME FORMER NAPW CHAAAAAAAAMPION… THIS! IS! D!!!
He’s decidedly costume-free, wearing his trademark black clothes, jacket, and flame-patterned boots. He scowls as he enters, but on the way down the ramp picks up a spring in his step, a smirk on his puss. Who knows what’s crossed his mind just now; in any event, it takes a back seat to flipping off the crowd and destroying all of the home-made signs, left-hand side, on his way down.
BILL HEWSON: It’s a mixed treat for our NAPW fans–D!’s brought back the legendary FRIDAY NIGHT WHYTE interview segment, though it’s the first one he’s actually done since RETURNING to NAPW!
JACK JONES: I always liked how he’d get punk’d… cheeseburger in the face, dropped over a balcony…
BILL HEWSON: Hmm. I guess that’s why he retired them. Well, he’s found his way to the ring, so let’s hear what he has to say…
D! is handed a microphone, stops, collects his thoughts. The crowd abhors the void and fills it with catcalls and shouts.
D!: I want you to remember–three years ago, I want you to remember–three years ago, we opened our doors for the very first time.
And then, cheers.
D!: Oh, yeah, it’s your memory, too. Take a moment to stand back and look at the NAPW. Look at this life that’s been nurtured and has grown since 2005. Think of Dragon and Plague and Static and Calgary Connection. Think of the NAIT gym we opened in and all of the classroom chairs we had to steal because we didn’t anticipate the turn-out. Think of all the garbage you left in the ring after The New & Improved D-X became our first tag-team champions.
Cheers.
D!: Yeah, you love ‘em now, don’t you? And think of the young kid with the smart mouth and the fast feet that came from where the fans came from, stepping into the ring with a certified lunatic and still getting his hand raised in the end! And think on the fact that it was his first match–
The smirk returns.
D!: That kid’s come a long, looooong way from then. But on that night, he–I–brought NAPW to life. Me, the most influential man in NAPW history!
“BOOOOO!”
BILL HEWSON: I think others might disagree… Ravager, Chris Casino, Rex Caliber–
JACK JONES: Can’t you hear the man speak? He said “most influential”. He’s just explained it to you!
BILL HEWSON: But–
JACK JONES: DO YOU JUST ENJOY THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN VOICE?
D!: And the real perk of being me is that I get to do what I want, when I want, and say what I think, when I think it. And if that involves calling out anybody I want from the locker room, then SO! BE! IT! I didn’t bring Friday Night Whyte back to bring back warm memories for… (Grimaces.) THE FANS.
“BOOOOOOOO!”
No, I brought back eff-enn-double-you because I wanted the platform tonight. To do what I want and say what I think. And to do and say what I want to the mystery guest! Folks, the entire locker room is waiting in anticipation at the gorilla position, so let’s not keep them in suspense any longer…
CHRIS CASINO! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE, RIGHT NOW!
JACK JONES: WHAT!?
BILL HEWSON: CHRIS CASINO? I’ve got a bad feeling all of a sudden…
“SMOOTH”–such a young song, and still a classic. Santana’s guitar sings at the hand of its master and Chris Casino, bemused, once more steps into the arena to the crowd’s mixed reactions. He stops. Locks eyes with his former rival. And then, suddenly… suddenly Casino finds a sick smile, too. And he confidently struts his way to the ring… ripping up every sign he can grab, right-hand side, on his way down.
D!: METER’S RUNNING, CASINO! COME ON!
He doesn’t have much to object to. Casino helps himself to Frank Warburton’s mic and climbs into the ring, standing in D!’s face, his smile doing nothing to conceal the pure animosity in his eyes. D! balls his free hand, staring right back at him–
“KILL EACH OTH-ER!” (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)
KILL EACH OTH-ER!” (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)
KILL EACH OTH-ER!” (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)
KILL EACH OTH-ER!” (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP)”
Both men crack a bigger smile, but it’s not for each other’s comfort.
CHRIS CASINO: Well, look who called me out here. It’s the wrestler that success forgot!
“OHHHHH!”
D!: Well, look who’s in front of me… the wrestler that his daddy forgot!
“OHHHHH!”
CHRIS CASINO: D!, I’m missed you. Kinda like the way a pedophile misses a small child. You always were my bitch, after all. So pray tell D!, why am I of all people forced to come out here and do this little song and dance with you? You need a rub for greatness?
D!: Chris, Chris, Chris… you stupid, arrogant ass. Do you really think that anyone here in Polish Hall’s gonna fall for your pathetic attempt to rewrite history?
CHRIS CASINO: Oh Lord, here we go. It’s been three years buddy. I beat you. You beat me. Blah, blah frickin’ blah. Unlike you, I’ve moved on. I’ve moved on to the Provincial Title, The Tag Title & even the Pure Honor Title! While you’ve… uh… yeah.
“OHHHHH!”
D!: Ooh… do FORGIVE me. You’ve moved on from the NAPW Championship to the PROVINCIAL title. Well, lah de dah, “Mr. High Roller”… of course, if I were you, I’d be afraid to take an NAPW Title shot, too. Seeing as HOW… you lost the NAPW Title. So really, no one blames you.
CHRIS CASINO: Well, NAPW is a little tough on me when it comes to getting a crack at the big belt. In fact it’s been over a year since anyone had the nuts to put that World Title up against me! But seeing how it’s in the hands of KKP I can live with the fact I’m not the World Heavyweight Champion… for now, anyway. But you? I see how it eats you up. Day in and day out. Don’t you forget that you’re looking at and talking to the man that MADE this promotion! Do you really think that without Chris Casino YOU would have been as successful as you are, er, were?
D!: Please. Chris, if you hadn’t washed up when you did, I’d only be a TWO-Time Champion. And what’s this about you MAKING NAPW? Who actually brought NAPW to the World stage with a CHampion of Champions win? That’d be ME, (BLEEP). Who spent time being the public face of NAPW for a year? Why, that’d be ME again!
CHRIS CASINO: It must be nice to live in Imagination Land like you do. By the way, I like the plastic surgery you had to remove the scar I left you with. Maybe I should call you Pamela Lee from now on. Look, this is all such bullshit. I know why I’m out here and I’m NOT going for it. You have some kind of weird fixation about our cage match years ago and now you want to relive it tonight. Right before Dan Ryan bitch-slaps your ass.
“OHHHHH!”
D!: Ohhh! Point goes to Chris Casino! All of those Baby Einstein products must have really sharpened your deductive reasoning! And your ability to differentiate sounds. But yeah, Chris… what’s that about the cage?
CHRIS CASINO: Okay D!, if it’ll give you that stiffy you’re so badly wanting… three years ago you beat me to regain the NAPW Title inside the very same cage you’ll be facing Dan Ryan in. However, I might add, you had to both sue me and damn near kill me to do so. So woo-hoo for D! and his great win from three years ago! Let’s all stand and give him a round of pity applause!
D!: No, no, no… that’s not quite good enough, Chris.
I want you to tell everyone… right now… HOW you beat me in that first cage match. I want you to tell EVERYONE how you won your only NAPW Championship.
Casino glares death at him.
D!: Come on, Chris… let’s see if all of that brain-strengthening’s really been working.
CHRIS CASINO: So. You want to hear me say that I cheated to win? Oh my God! Call the press! Hey I even had my buddies run outside interference! Will the scandals ever stop when it comes to me? Yeah, sure, I cheated to win but it’s a tough business D!. One that I might add seems to be cracking you a little. Maybe you’re a little worried that tonight inside that cage, Ryan will erase what you did three years ago and leave you a bloody broken mess. I think you’re scared.
D!: Scared? HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAA… HA!!!!
First of all… Dan Ryan doesn’t even have any damn buddies. He’ll tell you that himself. And secondly… thanks for answering my question. About how YOU had to win. Now… do I really need to remind you what DID to you the following month? Or are you still too MARKED by it?
Another glare.
D!: No, don’t answer, your cold, dead stare is plenty for me.
CHRIS CASINO: Actually, you know what? I REGRET that night. I REGRET having DX trying to save me. Why? Not because it failed but because I had you BEAT. You know I’m telling you the truth because after that epic encounter I NEVER got a damn rematch for my title! Do I still think about that match? Every day!
D!: Yeah? About how I GROUND your face into the steel?
CHRIS CASINO: … geez, it’s sad how bat-shit crazy you’ve become. I don’t know what you want D!. You want me to tremble before you? Cry about that night? Mourn a loss three years past? You want me to stand here and tell everyone how bad-ass you were that night and how scared I was? D!… it’ll never happen. Because no matter what you think or believe, I can beat you on any given night.
D!: Chris… don’t want you to do ANYTHING.
Because there’s NOTHING. LEFT. for you to DO.
Don’t you understand that? You never got your rematch. You never got another title shot. You’ve run around, playing with all of the secondary hardware… because you can’t. Ever. Be the top dog again.
Who did that, Chris? You were the Future of NAPW, and now ever since then, you’ve been just some guy on the payroll. Who did that?
CHRIS CASINO: Well I’d have to say… you did, D!. If it will get me out of here and back to my dressing room to prepare from my CHAMPIONSHIP match later then I’ll bite the bullet and say you did.
Happy now? Can I go?
D!: You in a rush to get backstage? Maybe share a hug with Evan Cartwright?
CHRIS CASINO: Heh. You know what? Screw this and screw you. I’ve stayed out of your business since my return out of pity. But you want to stand here and try to make yourself look good at my expense? I say let’s see if you’re as tough as you remember and we have ourselves a little, ahem, confrontation right here to see if history in fact repeats itself. That is… If you’re not afraid to go one more round with me, old buddy.
D! waves his hand dismissively.
D!: Wow. Me, Jake Phoenix, AND your tag match all in the same night? No, Chris, no, no, no… if you want to give yourself an excuse for not being at your best against The Faces of Death, I won’t do you any favors. I’m sorry it got catty in this ring so fast, because I actually wanted to tell you something, face-to-face.
CHRIS CASINO: Do tell… and don’t worry about being catty, I know it’s that time of the month for you.
“OHHHHH!”
D!: Cute. Does Monique wear the penis when Evan’s not using it?
“OHHHHH!”
You see, you’ve made a mistake earlier on. Our cage matches, you said they were three years ago, and move on. But I’m not dwelling on three-year-old matches for the sake of nostalgia, Chris. If I was, Lobo and The Predator would be out here and then I’d never get to say anything. And, to be fair to you–and it’s so hard to be fair, Chris–I made a mistake when I just said that if you hadn’t been around, I’d still have been as great as I was.
Because it wasn’t just “some match”, was it?
CHRIS CASINO: No. No it wasn’t. We both know it was THE match that put this company on the map. The match that brought NAPW from the outhouse to the penthouse. It was one of those once in a lifetime matches and you beat me. But like I said earlier D!. Hooray for you. I’m glad that that’s all you have to keep you warm at night. Lord knows I don’t ever see you in the company of women.
“OHHHHH!”
D!: And we’re right back to catty.
CHRIS CASINO: What can I say? You bring out the worst in me. Like hives.
D!: Yeah, that’s the point of this–I GOT something from you. Important. A realization. That there’s no pity in what we do. We get paid to beat people until they can’t move for three seconds. We exploit each other’s weaknesses, and we have a grand old time doing it. And you… you taught me that respect for your opponent… has no place in the ring.
You see, what you did to Jake earlier tonight… that proves my point. He’s a tough son-of-a-gun, to be sure, but you caught him when he was weak and vulnerable. And you made mince-meat out of him, too.
When you face off tonight against Bob and Kenny… they’ll do absolutely. Everything. They can to make sure that you drop the titles, then do nothing against them ever again.
And when I get locked into that steel cage with Dan Ryan…
… then I’ll be done with Ryan, and that will be that.
And I owe that… to you.
CHRIS CASINO: Well. Huh. I guess it’s like I’ve always said, if I can help just one person in this business then my life is complete. D!, you and I will never share a beer but I’m glad to know that you UNDERSTAND the real reason people like us exist. We were born to rule D!. To conquer and to hurt. People bow before us and with good reason. Just…
Just don’t expect me to give you a hug or anything. This is already getting awkward.
D!: Agreed. Get the Hell out of my ring, Chris. You smell like rub-on-tan and mouthwash.
CHRIS CASINO: Heh. Good luck in your match, you washed-up tool.
D!: Oh, did you just wish me luck? Because you shouldAAAAIEEEEEEE!!!!
With the crowd barely popping in time to tip D! and Casino off, a huge, lumbering force of nature has hit the ring, chair in hand–
BILL HEWSON: JAKE PHOENIX! JAKE PHOENIX!
JACK JONES: LOOK OUT, HE’S–
CRACKK!!
Jake Phoenix has just driven Casino into the mat with that steel chair–D!’s out of the ring, he DIVED out of the ring to safety as soon as he saw that chair go up–
BILL HEWSON: So much for D! and Casino’s mutual respect–he’s high-tailing it to safety!
JACK JONES: Did you not hear them talk? You can’t afford to respect ANYONE in that ring–and it looks like Jake Phoenix has a little more disrespect planned–
Phoenix has ditched the chair, he’s picking up the stunned Casino by the waist–
TOMBSTONE!
Phoenix has just brought Casino’s head crashing down onto the mat! Phoenix rights himself, obviously still smarting from Casino’s assault earlier tonight… the crowd is on their feet, cheering…and he seizes Casino by the waist again–
JACK JONES: Casino’s got a title defense to go through! What right does Phoenix have to DO this?
BILL HEWSON: Casino did this to Phoenix earlier tonight! You don’t remember?
JACK JONES: DO I LOOK LIKE I REMEMBER!?
ZEBRAS, ASSEMBLE! A pack of NAPW referees and security specialists are running down to the ring–EVAN CARTWRIGHT RIGHT BEHIND THEM–NO, THROUGH THEM! Cartwright’s moving at top speed, actually shoving personnel aside to get to his partner’s aid! He jumps onto the apron–and Phoenix DUMPS Casino on him! Cartwright is knocked back, Casino coming along for the ride, both men landing on the zebra herd and scattering them like ten pins!
Smiling, Phoenix climbs through the ropes. One one side of the ring–chaos, staff members picking themselves up, Cartwright trying to revive his partner, Casino barely stirring, glassy-eyed. On the other side of the ring, Jake Phoenix looks at the mess he’s caused and allows himself to laugh. He steps over the security rail, and starts moving through the crowd, eager hands slapping his back as he walks through.
BILL HEWSON: Phoenix’ revenge seems to be over, but for how long?
JACK JONES: I’ve already forgotten it. Who’s on next?
BILL HEWSON: We will induct another NAPW legend into the Ring of Prestige, so keep watching this DVD, ’cause it’s NEXT.
JACK JONES: …and after that I never again tried to stick my head inside an alligator’s mouth without a professional gator wrangler in attendance.
BILL HEWSON: Well, on the bright side I’m sure your nephew will never forget his 6th birthday. Now if you’ll excuse me…
Once again Hewson leaves the announce table and steps into the ring, receiving a microphone from Frank Warburton.
BILL HEWSON: NAPW fans, it is once again my pleasure to induct a true competitor into the NAPW Ring of Prestige. This next inductee is receiving a very special honor, as tonight, he is the first wrestler to enter the Ring still actively competing in NAPW at the time of induction!
The crowd begins to cheer, they know TWO men tonight are being inducted with that same honor.
BILL HEWSON: Our next inductee has made NAPW history over and over again. He won the Provincial Championship in his very first match with the company, and went on to hold it a record FOUR times!
The crowd pops. They know exactly who this is.
BILL HEWSON: He held the Tag Team titles and the Television championship!
An “LDK” chant begins to break out.
BILL HEWSON: And of course, we can’t forget THREE NAPW World Title runs… a title that he will get his rematch for tonight, In This Very Ring! Oh, and all those titles make him one of only TWO Grand Slam Champions in NAPW’s history!
POP… GROWING…
BILL HEWSON: He is the 2008 Sole Survivor winner, The East-Coast Sensation, the most decorated champion NAPW has ever seen, ladies and gentlemen, “Da Technical Terror,” “Da Lemondrop Kid” … “LDK” LLOYD REES!
With his name announced and The Black Keys blaring over the speakers, “LDK” Lloyd Rees makes his way out from behind the curtain. For the first time in months there is mixed reaction from the crowd as Lloyd makes his way down to the ring. Rees slides in to the ring and stand next to Bill Hewson. Rees poses; hands on his hips, looking to the rafters. Lloyd almost looks like he is putting his nose up to this whole Ring of Prestige induction. Hewson speaks.
BILL HEWSON: Now here’s a man who has always been one of my favorite wrestlers. Lloyd this has been a long time coming but, you deserve this recognition!
Lloyd slowly turns to look at Hewson, eyes burning blue with intensity, thoughts of the House of Horrors no doubt flowing though his head.
“LDK” LLOYD REES: I sure do Bill! I’m da most decorated man in NAPW history! It’s about time d’hat I get dis honor. I mean seriously, what else is d’ere fer me t’prove in da NAPW?
BILL HEWSON: Well…
Rees snatches the plaque from Bill’s hands.
“LDK” LLOYD REES: Nothing! I’ve done it all and dis plaque proves it!
BILL HEWSON: Do you have anything to say to the NAPW fans about this induction?
“LDK” LLOYD REES: I don’t have time fer da fans right now! I got a match I got t’think about!
Rees hops out of the ring with his plaque and heads for the locker room area. What the hell is wrong with “LDK”?
BILL HEWSON: … Ladies and gentlemen, “LDK” Lloyd Rees! Now let’s get back to the action!
Suddenly, Terry Brandon’s awesome 80s music hits and he strides to the ring. For tonight’s special show, he is dressed in his very finest K-Mart polyester special. He is carrying a Ring of Prestige plaque in his hand and has a huge smile on his face. Hewson looks on at the Commissioner, uncertain as to why he is coming out. Terry gets in the ring and asks for the microphone.
TERRY BRANDON: Now hold on there Hewy, just hold on there! Don’t leave the ring, just stay in here for a minute. Fans, I know we have a lot of action ahead of us tonight, and there has been a lot of talking but I hope you can respect and appreciate why we honor our wrestlers. NAPW doesn’t forget! Now Bill, for reasons I think you can understand, our third inductee will not be receiving a presentation tonight…
Brandon winks at the crowd, who snicker. Sommmmmebody’s missing out because he’s a jerk.
TERRY BRANDON: But what I’m out here to announce is one thing, and that is our FOURTH Ring of Prestige inductee tonight! So I’m going to need you to stay in this ring for that.
Hewson nods and relaxes, hands folded across his front.
TERRY BRANDON: Now NAPW fans, our final inductee this evening is a man who has given over TWENTY-FIVE years of his life to the great sport of professional WRESTLING! Sure, we ENTERTAIN you, but we do it by *WRESTLING!* And part of that entertainment, part of the package has always been the people who give the wrestlers the platform to have the great careers. All the people in the back, the guys who run sound, put up the ring, set up that nice entranceway, edit the DVDs, run the website, all that stuff, people who without them, well, NAPW wouldn’t be much more than oiled-up guys in tights throwing each other around!
Oh ho ho. Oh ho ho. Ho ho ho. WRESTLING IS NOT HOMOEROTIC.
TERRY BRANDON: But there is one specific job that helps our wrestlers so well, that people can excel in, taht without them… well hell, NAPW would never have become NAPW! One of the most unselfish, professional, hard-working men I have ever met in my years in this business! A man who has tirelessly dedicated himself to perfecting his craft, giving of his time and energy for years upon years to making sure that everybody around him is made better by his efforts and presence! A man who is as much a part of NAPW as Lloyd Rees, Billy Kryenik, Patrick Bickle, D!, Chris Casino, and all of our other Ring of Prestige inductees! So right now, without further ado, please allow me to introduce our last inductee into the Ring of Prestige this evening… BILL HEWSON!
Bill’s eyes widen in surprise as Terry grins even bigger, clapping wildly. Bill mouths “…me?” and Terry nods as the crowd begin to cheer like crazy. Terry hugs Bill and says “You deserve this, thank you!” and gives him the plaque. On the outside, Jack “Attack” Jones has stood up and is giving his long-time partner an ovation, no mockery on his face, just respect for Bill Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: I… for the first time in 20 years, I have no idea what to say.
The crowd laughs, and then a “HEWSON, HEWSON, HEWSON” chant begins to break out. Bill looks genuinely moved and touched, eyes slightly glistening. He brings the microphone to his lips once more.
BILL HEWSON: Well, I… you know, 25 years ago when I got into this business, I never thought it would… I never thought it would take me the places it has. I’ve been all around the world, I’ve known some of the finest men this sport has ever seen. I know that nobody has ever paid to see Bill Hewson, but to be honred like this with some of the men who have built NAPW into what it is, I just… I don’t know how to express how much this means to me. Thank you, Terry. Thank you, NAPW fans. Thank you Jack Jones. Thank you all —
“THE CONNECTION IS MADE!”
Bill Hewson stops talking as the 90s Britpop plays throughout the Polish Hall. The fans in attendance all turn towards the aisle as Stone Zellor appears from behind the curtain. Judging from his attire of stonewashed jeans and an ‘Anniversary Assault III’ t-shirt (available at the merchandise table); he’s not out here to wrestle.
JACK JONES: Things are about to get interesting.
Zellor continues his slow walk to the ring, all the while staring at Bill Hewson with a look of utter disbelief on his face. He ignores the fans who are booing him. He ignores the jibes about Lady Sparks. Stone Zellor is focused on Bill Hewson and he doesn’t even take his eyes off the man as he climbs into the ring. Hewson lifts the microphone to his lips–only to have Stone grab it from his hands!
STONE ZELLOR: Let me get this straight; yo’ bein’ inducted into the ‘Ring of Prestige’?
The fans cheer as Bill Hewson nods in response.
STONE ZELLOR: The man whose sole contribution to NAPW has been to sit at that table and laugh at Jack Jones’ jokes is bein’ inducted? Tell me, Bill, yo’ a wrestlin’ fan aint ya–what about the peeps who have slaved for this company? ‘Cause for nearly two years now, I’ve worked my ass off for this promotion. I’ve beaten the best they have to offer – The New an’ Improved D-X, Rex Cailber, Dan Ryan – an’ y’know that’s true, Hewson. Yo’ sat there at yo’ table an’ insulted me for damn near every one of those matches!
A majority of the crowd are booing Zellor again. One of the ring crew hands Bill Hewson a microphone so he can respond.
BILL HEWSON: I stand by the comments I have made during your matches, Stone. How you can stand there and boast about beating Dan Ryan after D! attacked him–
STONE ZELLOR: Shut up!
More boos.
STONE ZELLOR: You can all shut up! ‘Cause you can all live in denial if yo’ want, but the fact is I have done so much more for NAPW–for wrestlin’ than you ever have or ever will! A three-time Heritage champion, a former Tag Team champion. A three time REBEL Pro World Tag champ. Last time I wrestled in the ‘Match of the Year’ – an’ yet it’s Ravager who gets the applause for that one. It’s Ravager, it’s Lloyd Rees, it’s Kyle Roberts–it’s you who get inducted into the ‘Ring of Prestige’.
BILL HEWSON: Those men, myself included have done more for NAPW than you have, Stone. You’re a petulant, selfish, obnoxiou–
PIMP SLAP!
JACK JONES: Stone Zellor just pimp slapped Hewson! Normally I would say “Please let that make every highlight reel from now on,” but it’s just a little uncalled for. Also, don’t tell Bill I said that.
An irate Stone Zellor stands over the fallen BIll Hewson as he tries to pick himself back up…
“THEY SAY I’M COCKY! AND I SAY WHAT?
IT AIN’T BRAGGING MOTHER*BLEEP* IF YA BACK IT UP!”
JACK JONES: Chad Kurtis! What’s he doing out here?
The crowd begins a chant of Kurtis as Chad RUNS down to the ring. He slides in and Stone meets him! Referee Anthony Uruburu slides in and we have our match!
DING! DING!
Zellor and Kurtis waste no time and immediately trade blows with Chad getting the early advantage in the exchange. Chad is on the way to backing Zellor into a corner when Stone rakes the face of Chad, allowing him to gain the advantage. The crowd boos at the obvious cheating, but the ref had his back turned and didn’t see the act.
BILL HEWSON: I will continue to tell it like it is in my matches, whether Stone Zellor likes it or not, and that was a cheap shot from Stone.
JACK JONES: I am not cheap, it costs them a lot to pay me to announce.
Stone places his body between Chad and the referee and wraps his hands around the throat of Kurtis, choking the life out of him while Chad’s face turns red from the lack of oxygen; the ref finally notices and stops the illegal maneuver. Stone shrugs to say “What did I do?” As he lowers his arms from the shrug, he plants an elbow right into the mouth of Kurtis, who clutches at his mouth and checks for blood on his hands. Stone’s back is turned as the ref is admonishing him for the illegal move as from behind Chad delivers a bulldog from the middle rope and Zellor goes to the mat hard.
JACK JONES: Now, that was cheating with Stone’s back turned.
BILL HEWSON: You called the other legal, but this illegal? Man, I really wonder about your sanity.
JACK JONES: As did this one guy back in the early Nineties see he tried to sell —
BILL HEWSON: There is a match going on here, you do know that right?
Chad has placed a headlock onto Stone and is wrenching in the hold as firmly as he possibly can to weaken his opponent. Chad quickly moves from the side headlock into a wristlock into an Irish Whip to Stone Zellor who bounces off the ropes. Chad launches himself at his oncoming opponent with a flying clothesline. The crook of Chad’s elbow catches Stone in the throat he stumbles backwards, hitting the ropes once again. He bounces right into a collar and elbow tie up from Chad. Stone reaches up and places a thumb into Chad’s eyes and once again the crowd boos the lack of respect that allows Stone Zellor to cheat. Stone looks to the crowd and smirks at their boos, he doesn’t care he feeds off the boos as much as Chad feeds off of the cheers. Backing him into a corner, Stone delivers a hard slap to the chest of Chad using the meat of his palm instead of a knife edge chop, the sound reverberates through the packed arena and nearly instantly a red hand print is emblazoned onto the chest of Chad Kurtis.
BILL HEWSON: Stone is going to do his best to slow down the pace of this match.
JACK JONES: And slow it down he will.
Stone wraps his arm behind the neck of Chad Kurtis and begins to squeeze, this time the squeezing is perfectly legal as it is a side headlock. Stone grins sadistically as he lifts up on the neck of Chad causing the air flow to Chad’s lungs to be even smaller. Chad is beginning to turn a reddish purplish color from lack of oxygen, but the ref is powerless to stop a legal hold and the fans are booing louder than before. Stone releases a hand from the hold and it is noticed that instead of a standard side headlock, it was a chokehold and Chad falls to the mat where Stone is beginning to stomp away at the lower back of Chad. He grins as if he is enjoying bringing pain to those whom he chooses to demolish, and maybe he does.
JACK JONES: Zellor dominating now.
BILL HEWES : Cheating and beating, two of Stone Zellor’s finest qualities, no wonder Lady Sparks left him.
JACK JONES: Better not let him hear you say that.
Stone bends down to lift Chad high up into the air with a gorilla press slam and he drops the nearly limp body of Chad Kurtis across a bent knee and what air he had regained rushes out of his body as his stomach connects with Stone’s knee. Chad rolls over and Stone takes the chance to leap up into the air, driving a double knee drop into Chad’s unprotected gut. He laughs, Stone Zellor is laughing at the gasping Chad Kurtis. Lifting him to a vertical base once more, he Irish whips him into the ropes and Chad barely rebounds because of his lack of oxygen he is hardly able to stand let alone run. Stone hits the opposite ropes as well and slams into Chad with a Lou Thesz press and begins to beat away at both temples of Chad Kurtis. The ref is there quickly as Stone begins to use closed fists on Chad.
BILL HEWSON: Chad is in major trouble here, Jack.
JACK JONES: In trouble he definitely is.
Once again, Stone Zellor is getting told off by the referee as on the mat Chad is regaining his lost breath; he is on his hands and knees gasping for every lung full. He stands back up to his knees and is obviously winded, but determined to not lose by giving up. He places a hand on Zellor’s shoulder and spins his opponent around. Chad connects with a right hand, following it up with an immediate left. A stiff forearm shot to Stone’s jaw sends the other man stumbling back from the barrage of hard shots from someone that seemed nearly finished not thirty seconds before. Stone has a surprised look on his face as Chad connects with yet another right hand, left hand, forearm shot combination. Chad climbs up the turnbuckles, to the bottom rope, as Stone is backed firmly into the corner. Chad, instead of delivering the standard right or left hand shots, delivers ten elbow smashes to the temple of Stone Zellor. The crowd is definitely behind Chad as he is punishing Stone Zellor with passion and vigor. He looks out to the crowd as they begin to chant “more!” Chad obliges by delivering another elbow shot before a haymaker punch and he jumps down. He hits the ropes to springboard from the middle rope with a diagonal dropkick to the rib cage of Stone, who grabs them in obvious pain.
BILL HEWSON: “The Show” Chad Kurtis making a huge comeback! He’s on a roll now!
JACK JONES: Don’t you mean on a roll for *now*?
Chad grabs the wrist of Stone Zellor and Irish whips him into the ropes as Stone is rebounding from the opposite ropes, Chad spins delivering a kick to the back of Stone’s legs. Stone drops to the mat and Chad is up, hooking his arm under Stone’s arm delivering a modified bulldog that drives Stone’s face into the mat and suing both Chad and his own force to do the power behind the blow. The rush of air that comes from Stone is audible to the first five rows and Chad has momentarily slowed this match down. Chad knowing that he must keep it fast paced lifts Stone to his feet and goes for an over the head suplex. As Stone is lifted up, his foot accidently on purpose catches Chad between the legs and both of them fall, although Chad hit much harder than Stone. The crowd is in an uproar they know it was done on purpose, but it looked accidental enough so that the referee could not call it a disqualification. Stone shrugs again as he gains his vertical base once more, he stomps away at the lower back of Chad again in control.
JACK JONES: See? I told ya.
BILL HEWSON: Chad can do it, I know it.
JACK JONES: Chad isn’t the Little Engine that Could, you know.
Chad tries to roll out of the way but is hard pressed to avoid the steady slow and methodical stomping away at his back of Stone Zellor. For every blow Chad is able to get out of the way of, Stone nails five. The crowd is definitely behind Chad, but it is a mixed sound. Half of the crowd is booing Stone Zellor and the other half is cheering for Chad, same meaning, but the sound distracts Stone slightly. He turns to say something about their intelligence, but at that instance Chad pulls his legs out from under him and is on top of him with a quick leg drop. He stands back up, positioning himself to be behind Zellor as he gets to his feet. Stone gets to his feet and senses he has made a vital mistake in this match. He finishes standing up willing to accept what fate has dealt him… Chad hooks him for the CK Finale! No! Stone with a back body drop to counter, charges in, lariat… Chad catches him from behind! STARMAKER! BACKDROP DRIVER CONNECTS!
ONE!
The roar of the crowd is so loud, the slapping of the mat isn’t heard.
TWO!
The crowd, if possible has gotten louder.
THR– Zellor kicks out and as soon as he does, the crowd falls deadly silent. Chad looks down at Stone and over to the referee now back at Stone. Chad stands up a look of utter shock on his face.
BILL HEWSON: How did Stone kick out of that, how?!
JACK JONES: He’s dynamite, baby!
Chad brings a limp Stone to his feet and boots him in the gut, looking to hit the CK Finale and finish this match but good — but Stone rolls up Chad and grabs a handful of tights and sits back on Chad’s legs as far back as he can without falling back over. The referee can’t see the tight pull!
ONE!
Chad can’t even try to kick out, Stone’s weight and position prevents his legs from moving.
TWO!
Stone regrips his handful of tights as the ref’s hand heads down for the final count.
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… STONE ZELLOR!
JACK JONES: The little engine that could couldn’t… ha ha ha
BILL HEWSON: Did you see the handful of tights? Huh? Did you see that?
The crowd is booing even louder than before as Stone rolls through the ropes heading to the back grinning the entire way.
For “The Show,” this is possibly the toughest loss in his NAPW career. He had Stone’s number right up to the very end, but it was not to be.
JACK JONES: And then I said, “Yeah? So’s your mother!”
BILL HEWSON: You said this to the Governor General?
JACK JONES: Well, I didn’t vote for her.
Right. Let’s go to Frank!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentleman, introducing former NAPW Provincial champion… the “OUTLAW” PATRICK KIDD!
“Rebirth” by Boy Hits Car blares through the speakers and the crowd cheers but the cheers calm down a little as Kidd appears from behind the curtain but he is in a wheel chair. For those who have followed Kidd’s career post-NAPW they know how this happened, but for some of the die hard fans of NAPW who hadn’t seen Kidd since he left this came as a shock.
Kidd adjusts a set of moose antlers on his head and rolls himself to the end of the entrance way by ringside and lifts a microphone form his lap.
PATRICK KIDD: It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you guys last and as you can tell I’ve got a new set of wheels. During my time in NAPW I learned a lot even if I spent a majority of that time wrestling people who thought they were livestock, like the yellow Chicken and the Moose. Plus when has this Kidd ever been known to miss a party. NAPW’s third anniversary, three years might not sound like a lot but in the wrestling world it can be a lifetime. Hell so much can change in even a year.
When I left NAPW I returned from whence I came, to OPW. I stood up for what I believe in just like many of the wrestlers in NAPW do today. For years I had battled with a man, if you could call him that, named Dropkick Murphy. Our last match saw us fight on top of a steel cage with a pile of tables on fire inside, with the objective to put your opponent through the cage roof into the fire. I unfortunately lost that match and did a number on my body including severe damage to my back.
Kidd wheels the chair right next to the ring and looks around and then continues to speak.
PATRICK KIDD: OPW closed a few months later, but truth be told I didn’t come to NAPW’s big anniversary to talk about another promotion even though it was one that meant a lot to me. While I was here in NAPW I won my first ever singles title in the form of the Provincial title, now known as the Heritage title held by Jake Phoenix. NAPW accepted me and this became like a second home to me, and the fans treated me like one of their own. So i thought about it for the past few weeks and thought this would be the best place to make my announcement.
After that Human Torch match I was lucky to be alive, but the doctor’s told me I would NEVER walk again. I’m just here to not only tell the fans but show them that their are two words that don’t exist in a wrestler’s heart. The one word is NEVER the other word is RETIREMENT.
Kidd pauses and the crowd cheers as Kidd grabs a cane off the back of his wheel chair and slides it into the ring and does the same with the mic. He then uses the bottom rope to pull himself up so he can slide into the ring. He then sticks the mic in his pocket grabs the cane and use the ropes to pull himself to his feet before resting leaning back into the corner turnbuckles, and looking out at the crowd. he then takes the mic out of his pocket and continues.
PATRICK KIDD: During my so called “retirement” I’ve done a few things. I’ve spent a lot of time raising my son Greyson Michael who just turned one. I opened the Outlaw Bar & Grill in Knoxville, Tennessee. More importantly though I’ve invested a lot of the money I’ve made over the years from not only wrestling but other business deals and had quite a few surgeries on my legs and back. I’ve traveled the world and dealt with the best doctors out there, because I don’t believe in the word NEVER.
This gets another pop from the crowd as Kidd toys with the old mahogany cane with the carved dragon head for a handle that is in his left hand.
PATRICK KIDD: I’ve made it one of my many goals to walk again among other things, and I’ve had some success in therapy walking between those pole things, but I know that to really succeed I have to push my self, and I’ve decided to do that. As my gift to you the fans of NAPW for supporting me i will do something I haven’t done in over a year. I will walk from one side of this ring to the other. it may not seem like much to an ordinary person, but it is a task a kin to climbing Mt. Everest after what my body has been through.
Kidd takes off the moose antlers and tosses them into the crowd and sets his cane a bout a foot a head of him and steps forward which gets a huge response from the crowd, including a small KIDD chant that starts to get louder. Kidd again moves the cane a foot a head of him, and is about to take another step when “I’m Not Jesus” by Apocalyptica f. Corey Taylor hits the speakers and the crowds cheers turn to boos. Kidd stops and turns his head towards the entrance ramp as Ravager and KRENSHOV appear. KRENSHOV has the black ring bell and the black hood. Ravager has what looks like a plaque in his hands. The two men march to the ring, each dressed in a tailor-made, custom-fit suit. KRENSHOV snatches the mic from Kidd, and hands it to Ravager.
RAVAGER: So, that was inspirational. And any other night, I’d let you stand here and earn some pity from these fans. But this isn’t any other night, is it Patrick?
Kidd tries to say something, but gets cut off by KRENSHOV.
RAVAGER: I arrived here tonight, ready for two things. To win the NAPW Tag Team Championships. And to be inducted into the Ring of Prestige. And what happens? I get backstage, and Terry Brandon hands me this plaque.
Ravager holds the plaque up for the crowd to see.
RAVAGER: After three years. After wrestling the very first match the NAPW ever had. After taking the Provincial Championship and making it the most contested title in the company. After my title reign that NOBODY has managed to measure up to. After everything… I get a plaque, and told that they don’t want to waste too much time tonight. That the fans came here for wrestling. And that’s fine. But then I hear you, Patrick. And your little speech. And I have to ask:
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Boos from the crowd for this.
RAVAGER: You had a Provincial title reign. And then you walked away. To go back to wrestle in a fed only one step above a backyard, against opposition that is barely above a greased pig. And you get to hobble around this ring and soak in some respect and appreciation? ON MY NIGHT? Look at me Patrick. Look in my eyes. I don’t want you to think that I am saying this out of anger. Or spite. I want you to know that I mean every word I say right now.
Ravager goes eye to eye with Kidd.
RAVAGER: You could never lace my boots, Kidd. We never faced off in the ring because you were never at my level. Even if you didn’t cripple yourself fighting some yard tard in a barn down South, you still would never do what I have done. And that is dominate. The reason I haven’t gotten any World title matches, is because the rest of those guys in the locker room need to have some hope. They need to think that some day they could be champion. And if I were on top, that won’t happen. So Terry Brandon is doing everything to hold me back. He’s inserted himself into our tag match tonight. He’s taken away my in ring induction because “of my recent actions”. He’s hoping that I will be so demoralized, I’ll think about what I’ve done, and change my ways. Well Patrick. That shit isn’t going to happen. KRENSHOV and I are about to take over the NAPW tag division for the foreseeable future. And we will leave an even bigger pile of bodies in our wake. You see, I’ve spent three years going all over the World telling people that the NAPW is among the elite in the wrestling world. And then I see guys who underachieve get chance after chance, even though they don’t deserve it. That is why we’ve been culling the herd in NAPW. Dez. Ricky Rocker. Joey Malone and the rest of his Special Ed squad. They all had to die so the NAPW can live. And that’s why, Patrick, you need to go. Now.
Kidd doesn’t even get a chance to respond, as Ravager clobbers him with his Ring of Prestige Plaque! Kidd stumbles and collapses. KRENSHOV hauls him up and puts him in a bear hug and flails him around like a rag doll, as Ravager prepares the black hood. KRENSHOV lets Kidd fall into Ravager’s grasp, who then hits him with a Northern Light’s Suplex, dropping him on KRENSHOV’S knee! They put the hood over Kidd’s head as the fans rain bows and garbage on the ring. At least one fan jumps the rail and tries to get in the ring, but is stopped by security. Ravager now has the ring bell.
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
DING
With each tolling of the bell, KRENSHOV viciously stomps the knee and ankle of Kidd, and his yells can be heard even over the massive noise from the crowd. Ravager grabs the mic once more.
RAVAGER: As the newest member of the Ring of Prestige, I do what is best for the fans. For the NAPW. And for wrestling. And that’s eliminate the weak so the strong may survive.
KRENSHOV puts him in position for the curb stomp as Ravager puts the bell beneath his head. He gestures for the microphone and heads to climb the turnbuckle, and the crowd starts screaming louder.
But they’re not screaming in fear.
BECAUSE THE BEAST IS CHARGING THE RING!!!
BILL HEWSON: I don’t believe it!
JACK JONES: NO! IT CAN’T BE!
Bruce “The Beast” Richards, wearing his trademark duster and black Tombstone hat, slides into the ring! Krenshov rushes him and clobbers at him with a hard right hand, but Bruce blocks it and fires off with one of his own, and Krenshov staggers back a step. The Beast fires off with one more, and Krenshov drops down to one knee! Ravager leaps off the second turnbuckle towards The Beast with an axhandle — CAUGHT! HUGE BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Krenshov is back to his feet, but The Beast charges him, and connects with the BIG BOOT to Krenshov’s face! Krenshov is back down, and the crowd goes nuts as The Beast ROARS!
He goes over to Kidd, who has pulled the sack off his head and is struggling to get back to his feet, but Ravager is back up now and knocks Richards to his knees with a vicious chop block. Krenshov is back up as well, and the Faces of Death converge on Bruce “The Beast” Richards. Krenshov grabs him in a full nelson hold, The Beast struggling to get free, Ravager laying into him with a couple right hands. “YOU WANTED SOMETHING, BRUCE?” he shouts. “THEN BE MY GUEST!” He spits in Bruce’s face, and then turns around to pick up another hood and the bell, but Krenshov COLLAPSES behind him! Patrick Kidd from behind, nailing Krenshov in the knee with his cane, and The Beast is free! He rushes after Ravager, spins him around, and then gets him in the Cobra Clutch–BOMB! Quickly he goes after Krenshov, who’s already rolled out of the ring, and turns back to Ravager, firing a few kicks as he too rolls out of the ring. The Faces of Death rush away from the ring, and Bruce Richards shouts after them, then calls for the mic.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Ever since I had to leave the NAPW, I’ve been keeping my eye on the place. And a couple of weeks ago, I just couldn’t stand to look. This company has gone down the tubes, people. Look at what’s happened! (Counting down on his fingers.) You’ve got D! making a mockery of the company that made him a star. You’ve got Dirty Money with a stranglehold on the top of the pile. And then you have people like Faces of Death, scum who get their rocks off by brutally “executing” other wrestlers. (Shaking his head.) Well, not any more. NOT ON MY WATCH!
The crowd lets out a huge cheer, and Bruce nods his head, letting out a little smile.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I’m not here to get belts. I’m not here to make a powerplay. I don’t care about that. The only thing I care about is proving to the people who think they run this business that they’ve finally got someone to answer to. THE BEAST. And as long as I’m here, anyone who thinks they can do whatever they want and drag this company down with them, they’ll be thinking twice. When they try and play dirty, they’ll be looking over their shoulders. TRUST me on that.
The crowd cheers again, but Bruce holds up his hands to quiet them down.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Now I didn’t want to take the spotlight off the person who deserves it. I just wanted to make sure he got the respect he was due, without assholes like Bob and Kenny running in and ruining everything. So I want everyone in this place to stand up and give a hand to Mister Patrick Kidd!
The crowd rushes to their feet and gives Kidd a standing ovation, as Bruce steps back and gives him his moment. He nods to the crowd, and then gestures to Bruce. Bruce holds open the ropes and then helps Kidd down the steps, but when they get to the wheelchair… but Kidd shakes his head. “No way,” he says, and pushes the wheelchair out of the way. Kidd tries to take a couple steps on his own… he makes it… stumbles.
Then, The Beast throws Kidd’s arm over his shoulder, and says, “You’re walking out of here.” Then, with The Beast shouldering most of the weight, he and Kidd make their way up the entrance aisle. When they’re about halfway up the ramp, Bruce calls out “Play his music!” And as “Rebirth” starts pouring out of the speakers, the two men turn to stand at the entrance, Kidd waving to the crowd, who are cheering the two men, one former NAPW wrestler, and one just returning.
JACK JONES: …but she never called me. I was genuinely heartbroken. No funnin’!
BILL HEWSON: Jack, I think… I think you may have been better off. “Bradgela” sounds, er, sweet, but a prominent Adam’s Apple is not exactly… common among the female of the species.
JACK JONES: I know, right? I finally find a girl who’s unique and true to herself, and I get dissed. Sigh. Oh Bradgela, I miss you. Wherever you are.
BILL HEWSON: …right. Oh hey, a match!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for one fall and is for the NAPW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first…
The “Sailor Moon Theme” starts up as the fans erupt in cheers! Asuka Katsuragi emerges from behind the curtain.
FRANK WARBURTON: The challenger, from Pittburgh, Pennsylvania. ASUKA KATSURAGI!
Asuka is already half way down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans along the way as she continues on her way to the ring. She slides in under the bottom rope as her music dies down.
FRANK WARBURTON: And her opponent. From Edmonton, Alberta. She is the REIGNING NAPW WOMEN’S CHAMPION. ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE~!’ TIFFANY McINTYRE!
The fans pop even harder as ‘Good To Your Earhole’ by Funkadelic begins to play, and Tiffany McIntyre makes her way from the back … dressed like Willy Wonka! Red velvet top hat, purple velvet jacket, big bow tie, ruffled shirt and a novelty cane. The fans love it as she saunters down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans just like her opponent did before climbing into the ring.
The bell sounds to start this match as both Asuka and Tiffany circle the ring. The crowd are behind both women, split roughly equally. The challenger, Asuka steps forward with an offer of a collar and tie-up – which is accepted by the champion. In a flash, the bigger Asuka has her opponent in a side headlock. Tiffany struggles to break the hold as her neck gets wrenched for a second time – back suplex? No, Asuka plants her feet but the change of position is enough to allow the champion to push her opponent off and against the ropes–if only to get taken down by a shoulder block by Katsuragi! The challenger bounces off the ropes again as McIntyre pops back to her feet – and leapfrogs over her approaching opponent! Asuka goes against the far ropes–SPINNING HEEL KICK BY TIFFANY! Both women scramble back to their feet and pause, basking in the adoration of these fans as they circle the ring again.
Another collar and elbow tie-up, and this time White Chocolate strikes first with a go -behind, allowing her to hold Asuka with a rear waist lock. Katsuragi fires off some back elbow, catching the champion in the side of the head each time and causing her to loosen her grip. Finally, Asuka breaks the hold, countering with a standing wristlock … until White Chocolate one-hand cartwheels out and counters with a wrist lock of her own! The champion connects with a boot to the gut–neckbreaker! She slams Asuka down to the mat and hooks the leg for the first pin of the match, getting a two count for her efforts!
JACK JONES: Asuka obviously has more guts than that boyfriend of hers. Dez Carter hasn’t gotten this far into one of his matche slately for quite a while.
BILL HEWSON: Perhaps if he wasn’t jumped and blindsided at every opportunity … But lets focus on the two competitors in the ring, Jack Attack. Tonight is the first time Tiffany McIntyre is defending the Women’s Championship and with Asuka as he opponent, this is sure to be one hell of a match!
Again, both women scramble to their feet. The champion is first up as she catches her opponent with a forearm smash to the face. Two more have Asuka reeling and being backed against the ropes, ready for the Irish whip–NO! It’s reversed as Tiffany is sent across the ring–POWERSLAM! Brilliant execution by Asuka, and she goes for a cover of her own–two count! No complaints from the challenger as she lifts McIntyre back to a vertical base, throwing her head first into the top turnbuckle as she does so. The champion slumps back into the corner as Asuka reels back – and unleashes a succession of puroresu style chops to the chest! Official, Morgan Smythe finally steps in the break it up. Asuka drags her opponent out of the corner and plants her to the canvas with a scoop slam.
BILL HEWSON: White Chocolate could be in trouble here, Asuka is going to the top rope!
Indeed she is, but she’s taking a bit long about it. Having taken the long way to the top, Asuka now finds herself with a standing opponent! And Tiffany McIntyre catches the challenger with a huge right hand! And another! She climbs to the middle rope herself as she continues to hammer away at Asuka Katsuragi. Tiff hooks her opponent ready for the superplex–CONNECTS!
BILL HEWSON: The risk didn’t pay off in the end and the champion just brought herself back into this match!
White Chocolate is the first to her feet as Smythe reaches four in her count-out, using the ropes to pull herself up. Asuka is just about on one knee–White Chocolate charges –70s BIG BOOT! And the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THRNOO! Asuka gets the shoulder up at the last second!
Tiffany McIntyre lifts her opponent back up, sending her against the ropes–no, Asuka counters! The champion … handsprings against the ropes, coming back with a back elbow! It catches Asuka by surprise, but she’s still standing. White Chocolate goes against the ropes for some momentum–SAMOAN DROP BY ASUKA! She scooped her opponent up with ease and just drilled White Chocolate into the canvas! But she doesn’t cover yet, instead choosing to lift McIntyre back to a vertical base. BRIDGING DRAGON SUPLEX BY THE CHALLENGER!
ONE!
TWO!
THRENOOOO! That’s a last second kick-out!
Asuka is quickly back to her feet as her opponent is struggling to stand up again, leaving the Pittsburgh native to climb the ropes again. She waits patiently for Tiffany to stand up. CROSS BODY BLOCK CONNECTS! Roll through by White Chocolate–only gets a two count! Asuka quickly stands back up as she runs against the ropes–SHINING WIZARD TO THE RISING WHITE CHOCOLATE! Morgan Smythe drops to count the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE? NO!
Morgan Smythe notices the foot on the rope and stops the count!
BILL HEWSON: Pure ring savvy by the Women’s champion there, Jack Attack. She knew exactly where she was in that ring and it might have saved her the title.
McIntyre is helped back to her feet again as Asuka backs her against the corner. A few knife edge chops for good measure and White Chocolate is sent from pillar to post! She crashes back-first against the turnbuckle before Asuka charges in–and hits nothing but turnbuckle! The champion ducked out of the way and is already bouncing off the ropes– 70s BIG BOOT! AGAIN! Asuka slumps to the mat as Tiffany takes a moment before going for the cover.
ONE!
TWONO! Barely even a two-count by the champion!
Katsuragi may have kicked out, but she’s taking a while to get back to her feet. She’s been on the receiving end of two big boots and that’s got to take it’s toll on you. In fact, it’s the champion, Tiffany McIntyre who is first to her feet. Her opponent isn’t far behind but it allows Tiffany to strike first, landing a boot to the gut, and a snap suplex! And she rolls backwards, assuming a mounted position astride the chest of Asuka as the champion rains down with some rights–but Asuka reverses the hold, so she’s on top as she lands some hard rights to the cranium!
JACK JONES: Now this is mat wrestling I can get into!
But it doesn’t last long as the champion counters before being pushed away. Both competitors are on their feet as Tiffany charges in with a lariat–DUCKED! And Asuka lifts her up onto her shoulders–K-BOMB! NO! Tiffany drops down the back, landing awkwardly and dropping to one knee momentarily. She stands up again, but Asuka catches her out of nowhere–LUNGBLOWER!
JACK JONES: Big-time impact!
BILL HEWSON: Could this be it? White Chocolate is a tough cookie, but how much can she stand?
And the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THRENOOO! McIntyre gets the shoulder up (just) and Asuka can’t quite believe it this time.
BILL HEWSON: Both of these women have taken a tremendous amount of punishment here tonight. All in the pursuit of that coveted NAPW Women’s Championship.
JACK JONES: I’m finding it hard to take this match seriously when one of them is dressed like Willy Wonka, though. Couldn’t she have chosen a nurses outfit instead? *BZZZZT*! OW! Come on, that was serious commentary!
BILL HEWSON: Let’s just call the match…
Asuka slowly gets back to her feet with the champion in tow, as an Irish whip sends Tiffany against the ropes once more. She bounces off one set and Asuka has already dropped her head for the back body drop … too early apparently, because White Chocolate catches her with a boot to the face! And McIntyre goes against the ropes again–70s BIG BOOT! A THIRD TIME! Asuka collapses upon impact, but White Chocolate can’t make it over for the cover! She’s exhausted … but she’s crawling. Holding her ribs as she does so before draping the arm over the prone Asuka. Smythe starts the count!
ONE!
TWO!
THRNOOOO! Close but no cigar!
Both competitors head towards the ropes as they attempt to get back to their feet. Tiffany is first, followed by Asuka a mere moment later as they meet in the center of the ring. McIntyre fires off a chop to the chest before Asuka responds in kind! Back and forth, back and forth – they exchange chops as the champion appears to be getting the upper hand! She sends Asuka against the ropes–HURRICANRANA INTO A PIN–TWO COUNT! Asuka kicks out and scrambles back to her feet. White Chocolate goes for the lariat– ducked–BACKSLIDE BY ASUKA–TWO COUNT! Again, the champion and challenger hurry to their feet as Asuka plants a boot to the midsection of her opponent. White Chocolate is doubled over in the center of the ring–
BILL HEWSON: Asuka has the champion over her shoulders again! K-Bomb, she’s going for the K-Bomb!
NO!
Tiffany drops down the back again! Katsuragi turns around–JAWBREAKER BY McINTYRE! That has the challenger reeling, before the snap DDT takes her down! But Tiffany isn’t done yet. Seated senton! Asuka tries to stand up as Tiffany seems to be getting a second wind. She bounces off the ropes, hitting a flipping neckbreaker on Asuka! The fans are on their feet as Tiffany points to the top turnbuckle! She’s going to fly! But Asuka is already starting to stand up again as Tiffany reaches the top rope … Axhandle smash from the top rope! It’s not enough to knock the challenger down though, but Tiffany has her by the neck–SLICED BREAD #2! Out of nowhere! White Chocolate is being cheered on by the fans as she gets back to the feet – just as Asuka sits up in the middle of the ring — 70s BIG BOOT BY WHITE CHOCOLATE! CONNECTS! AND TIFFANY HOOKS THE LEG!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match and still NAPW WOMEN’S CHAMPION. ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE~!’ TIFFANY McINTYRE!
BILL HEWSON: A tremendous match-up, absolutely tremendous, but White Chocolate retains the championship here tonight! That match is exactly why NAPW created the Women’s title, to showcase just how good our women can wrestle!
JACK JONES: It WAS a good match, Hewson, even I can admit that. But mark my words, Tiffany’s days as champion are numbered, with the likes of Suzy Scum and Lady Sparks hot on her trail!
BILL HEWSON: Certainly both of those women looking for a title shot but tonight, Asuka Katsuragi came so very close but was unable to get the win… still women’s champion, Tiffany Macintyre!
Tiffany gives Asuka a hand back to her feet. The two women shake and then hug, Tiffany raising Asuka’s hand in the air as a sign of respect. Asuka bows to her opponent, disappointed but maintaining her honor, and takes her leave. Tiffany hits the corners, title belt held high in the air in both hands! What a great night for White Chocolate!
JACK JONES: …I had to tell George and Steven thanks, but no thanks, because I was already occupied filming the classic On The Night Beat 2: Electric Boogaloo.
BILL HEWSON: You were Spielberg and Lucas’ first choice to play Indiana Jones, eh?
JACK JONES: You betcha! Good thing I turned them down, could you imagine having to be part of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Terrifying!
BILL HEWSON: Oh come on, the fourth film wasn’t THAT bad. Not on the level of the original trilogy, but it’s not like they violated Indy on a pinball table.
JACK JONES: Did you SEE it?
BILL HEWSON: … in any event, what a night we have seen so far! The Beast has returned! Jake Phoenix retained the Heritage Title despite the stiff challenge of Tommy Deathrow! White Chocolate retains her Women’s Title! Prince W. Darko returned and stole the spotlight from newcomer Danny Chaos! It’s been one hell of an anniversary so far… but it’s time to decide another title. Let’s go to Frank Warburton for the introductions.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NAPW Tag Team Championship! Your special guest referee in charge at the bell, NAPW Commissioner Terry Brandon! And now, the challengers…
“I’M NOT JESUS
JESUS WOULD FORGIVE!”
Apocalyptica used to mean the fans would cheer, but their song “I’m Not Jesus” brings out nothing but the crowd’s disgust. They step through the curtain, hateful icons in wrestling gear. One carries a black burlap bag, which has had horrifying uses. The other carries a black, skull-adorned ring bell. They are not happy. The larger of the two limps just slightly on his way to the ring…
FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring at a total combined weight of five-hundred and sixty pounds, they are the team of RAVAGER and KRENSHOV… the FACES OF DEATH!
BILL HEWSON: Last year at this time Ravager was probably the most popular NAPW wrestler. He is still the World Champion with the greatest title reign NAPW has ever seen, but over the past few months we have seen Ravager change… his lack of success this year drove him to these terrifying lengths to finally earn the Triple-Crown that has eluded him for three years in NAPW! We thought KRENSHOV had turned over a new leaf as well, but he has become meaner and more brutal than ever.
JACK JONES: And do you know where it’s gotten them? Into a tag team title match right here at the biggest show of the entire year!
The Colossal Kenny Krenshov smirks just slightly, a hateful thing, looking over the jeering fans as he steps over the top rope. By far the biggest man in this contest and one of the biggest men in NAPW… Ravager, hands on his hips, is still outside, staring down every fan who used to cheer him and now loathes him, unblinking. Kenny tries to intimidate Brandon, towering over him… the FoD are not fans of the commissioner, that’s for sure.
The FoD’s music fades, to be replace by Pearl Jam’s “Coruroy.” The crowd’s sound changes, but not to cheering. A different kind of dislike.
FRANK WARBURTON: And now, their opponents, representing DIRTY MONEY! At a total combined weight of four-hundred and forty-two (and one quarter) pounds… they are the reigning, and defending NAPW Tag Team Champions… the team of CHRIS CASINO and “PERFECTION” EVAN CARTWRIGHT!
The dastardly duo sweep through the curtain. Evan Cartwright is focused, even a little crazed looking. Casino is holding his neck and scowling, lacking his usual supreme arrogance after the events of the evening. He’s not lacking confidence, of course. Evan cracks his knuckles and the Champs make their way to the ring as the fans boo.
BILL HEWSON: Ever since returning to NAPW, Casino and Cartwright have gone undefeated in straight tag team action! That is why they won their second tag team title, and no team has come close to taking them down. Were the circumstances any different, I would be certainly cheering their opponents on against Dirty Money, but frankly, I don’t have a favorite to win here.
JACK JONES: So what? The champions are the BEST in NAPW and their contenders should be the BEST! You are looking at the top two tag teams in Canada in this ring right now! Skill level, accomplishments, team chemistry, you could not ask for a better title match!
BILL HEWSON: There is no denying the talent, ability and desire of any man in this match. But it’s difficult to look past the glaring character flaws of each team to appreciate that. If there is one X factor in this contest, it is the Tombstone Piledriver Casino took earlier this evening. Lesser men than him have been out for weeks after taking a Tombstone!
JACK JONES: It looks like KRENSHOV has a slight limp on his own part thanks to that no-good Patrick Kidd and The Beast.
BILL HEWSON: I can’t say they didn’t deserve it, both teams have gotten a little bit of what’s coming to them already tonight!
Very good point. The Faces of Death don’t budge when Brandon asks them to raise their arms to be checked for foreign objects. Brandon gets hot with them, until finally the FoD grudgingly allow their persons to be searched. The same situation happens with the champions. Cartwright glares a hole in Brandon and Casino waves him off. Finally the champs allow themselves to be checked. Terry Brandon holds the Tag Team titles high in the air for all to see, hands them off to the timekeeper, and then calls for the bell to begin the match!
DING DING DING.
BILL HEWSON: NAPW Commissioner Terry Brandon feels that both the challengers and champions have been out of control over the past couple months, that is why he’s refereeing this contest.
JACK JONES: He’s only refereeing to screw over the Faces of Death! … Or Casino & Cartwright. Depends on what minute it is.
BILL HEWSON: Somehow I think he’ll be impartial…
Evan Cartwright and Ravager will start this match off. It was Evan Cartwright whom Ravager defeated for the NAPW title last January to begin his epic title run… but Evan holds his share of victories over Ravager as well. They are very evenly matched in size, Evan with just a slight height and weight advantage.
They also both hit very, very hard.
CHOP.
THUD.
Evan scores first blood. His lack of expression is almost Ravager-like, but with a demonic intensity. Ravager’s chest quickly turns red…
CHOP.
THUD.
The crowd whoos and winces as Ravager returns fire with a chop just slightly louder than Evan’s. Evan’s dark chest begins to welt…
CHOP.
THUD.
An even HARDER chop. Ravager grits his teeth.
CHOP.
THUD.
Good God, these are so LOUD!
EVAN CHOPS! RAVAGER CHOPS! EVAN! RAVAGER! EVAN! RAVAGER! Both men’s chests are being tenderized… and then Evan switches it up, clocking Ravager with a straight jab. Right hook, then an uppercut and Ravager is reeling from the assault of the former Golden Gloves champion! Evan pushes Ravager back against the ropes, irish whip, lariat is ducked! Rebound, back elbow from Evan, Ravager ducks that, comes off the ropes with blinding speed and hits a lariat on Evan. Cartwright quickly gets up however and lariats Ravager down! Both men shake it off and pop to their feet, the crowd… cheering? Well, they don’t have any issue seeing these men kick the crap out of each other. Evan and Ravager lock eyes, what’s next?
Evan points to KRENSHOV.
The crowd almost laughs. Evan wants the massive Kenny? Ravager shrugs, saying “Your funeral” and tags in his partner. Kenny comes over, cracking his neck as he stands in the ring.
BILL HEWSON: Evan Cartwright and KRENSHOV have never faced off in NAPW action, this will be the first time they lock horns… I don’t know what Cartwright is thinking, wanting to take on KRENSHOV in this fashion.
JACK JONES: He’s thinking that the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up… KRENSHOV simply powers Evan to the corner. He weighs 125+ pounds more with nine inches on his opponent. Brandon calls for a break, and he gets one.
After a disgusting open hand chop from Kenny.
His massive mitt leaves a giant palm print on Evan’s chocolate chest, but Evan doesn’t tag out to Chris Casino, who doesn’t seem to mind. He’s tangled with one hoss already tonight and it didn’t go well. Another tie-up, this time Kenny just shoves Evan to the canvas. Evan gets up and meets Krenshov nose-to-nose… looking way up. POW! Evan with a big shot! Kenny smirks, it barely fazes him. Another shot! Evan beginning to fire up on KRENSHOV with his Golden Gloved hands, but Kenny easily weathers the storm and knocks Evan down with a big hammer-like blow. Kenny picks his man up, belly-to-belly suplex! He grabs Evan’s head and delivers a big kneelift right to the face. Evan is down and Krenshov feels he has the match well in hand. He sends Perfection into the turnbuckle and CHARGES! A 350 pound freight train roars in — and Evan moves at the last second! Kenny rams the turnbuckles sternum first, his own momentum working against him, and Evan grabs him for… no! A back suplex on the big man! Not a lot of height but KRENSHOV finds himself flat on the canvas. The crowd is impressed, but Evan is not done. He starts viciously stomping on Kenny’s left knee, circling Kenny wildly.
JACK JONES: When they’re on the canvas, they’re all the same size!
BILL HEWSON: Evan Cartwright is just relentless! He has no problem crippling Kenny to retain the titles here… of course, the Faces of Death would do the same. And now we see a tag to Chris Casino!
JACK JONES: The former Untouchables going at it!
Casino comes into the ring, Evan holding Kenny’s leg down… Casino off the second turnbuckle with an elbow to that knee. The champions smell blood and are going for it. Casino pulling the leg up, kicking the knee viciously. Kenny is on the ropes and Brandon wants a break. Casino kneels, arguing with Brandon… his knee sneakily over Kenny’s windpipe! “Come on ref what’s your problem?!” Brandon finally clues in and starts issuing a five-count. Casino gets up at four and grins toothily. He waits for Kenny to get to one knee, the big man struggling with a tweaked knee, and then delivers a standing dropkick right to the face. Kenny goes back down on the canvas, Casino covers, ONE —
One! Kenny POWERS Chris off, four feet off! The knee is not doing so well but the upper body is the strength. Casino hits the ropes and charges in for a spinning heel kick, but a limping KRENSHOV simply swats Chris away, knocking him to the canvas. And then it’s a tag to Ravager.
The crowd, however much they dislike all four men, suddenly become VERY interested in the match.
Ravager.
Casino.
Chris gets up, grins at his long-time enemy. He offers a hand… Ravager’s hands stay at his sides. “Come onnnnnn” Casino says. Ravager cocks his head at Casino, who shrugs and slaps Ravager across the face. “Oooooooh.” Ravager looks up, and Casino is doing what he does best, talking trash. Casino SLAPS Ravager across the face again. Ravager still doesn’t raise his hands, until Casino slaps him a third time — BLOCKED!
HEADBUTT!
Casino’s eyes cross as Ravager’s skull thuds onto his. He tries a punch, blocked, HEADBUTT! Casino staggering, HEADBUTT! Good God, the cracking of skulls is a sick sound. Casino does a Terry Funk drunken circle right into another HEADBUTT, and that one sends him to the canvas. Ravager spreads his arms and delivers a diving headbutt! Casino kicks, cover, ONE, TWO, kick-out. Nothing yet. Ravager flashes a glance at Brandon, but that was certainly a proper count. Ravager picks up Casino, snap suplex. Stomp, stomp, Ravager pulls Casino up. Snapmare puts Casino in a seated position… Ravager hits the ropes! Sliding STIFF forearm to the mush, he calls that the Sliding D and if knocks Casino for a loop. Another cover, another kick-out at two.
BILL HEWSON: There’s certainly no love lost between Chris Casino and Ravager, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: It’s the hate that keeps on hating!
Ravager picks up Casino, forearms him into the turnbuckle. Pick-up, Casino perched on the top turnbuckle. Ravager looking for… a Superplex? INSTANT KARMA? We’ll never know because Casino comes alive and the two trades blows on the top… but Casino has the high ground, and is able to shove Ravager down to the canvas. He then gets to a standing position on the top turnbuckle, waiting for Ravager to get to his feet… MISSILE DROPKICK!
Totally misses!
Ravager grabs Casino in a front face-lock and tags in KRENSHOV… changes it up. NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX ONTO KENNY’S KNEE! Geez! Casino already took a Tombstone, now all this punishment. Kenny covers, but Evan is in to break it up before it gets even close to a three. Casino probably would have kicked out but the champions didn’t get to BE the champions by taking chances. KRENSHOV picks up Casino… lifts him up over his head! He shows Casino to all four sides of the ring, Casino shaking his head “no no no”… Kenny managing to do this with one knee hurting, what strength! And then finally a ring-shaking powerslam to finish it off. Kenny drops an elbow, then gets to his feet and tags Ravager back in. Brandon telling KRENSHOV to get out of the ring, he’s ignored. Ravager picks up Casino… GERMAN SUPLEX INTO THE TURNBUCKLE. Geez! Casino landed just so that he was on his feet… KRENSHOV SPLASH! Casino takes one, two, three steps out and Flair Flops onto the canvas. Ravager covers ONE! TWO!
Cartwright makes the save before Casino has to kick-out!
Ravager snarls, but stands over top of a kneeling Casino, straddling him. Crossface shots across the face! These ringing blows can’t be good for a Tombstoned head… Casino tries to crawl away and up, but Ravager cinches in a rear waist lock for another German OOOOH. Casino’s trick knee acts up and catches Ravager “accidentally” in the family jewels. Ravager drops to his knees, clutching his manhood in pain. Casino tags out to Evan Cartwright!
BILL HEWSON: The champions able to make a tag, bringing in the fresh man Evan Cartwright… and he’s been chomping at the bit to get back into this! OH MY! What a stiff kick to the back!
JACK JONES: Evan has some pent-up agression that needs to be released, methinks!
Evan pretty much kicks Ravager in the head, then picks him up and delivers several stiff rights and lefts. Right cross! Ravager staggering on his feet, kept up by the ropes, Brandon wants Evan off the man in the ropes no dice CHOP. And now an irish whip, Evan runs with Ravager and delivers the Kitchen Sink right into the gut, flipping Ravager over. No time wasted a diving European Uppercut to the back of the seated Ravager. Off the ropes, diving European Uppercut to Ravager’s front! Evan picks Ravager up from behind… wait a minute! WHEELBARROW SUPLEX! Evan rolls through BOSTON CRAB! THE CARTWHEEL! RAVAGER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING! COULD HE TAP OUT?
KRENSHOV with a big boot to the back of Evan’s head to break up the submission quickly. But Ravager is holding his back, the combination took a lot of energy out of him.
BILL HEWSON: I imagine it will be difficult to score a submission in THIS particular tag match, all four men can withstand a lot of punishment, and when you have a partner who can save…
JACK JONES: I can’t predict HOW this one will end! It’s way too close to call!
Evan is shaken up, but he’s still up before Ravager hauls his man up for a suplex… holding him there? Drops Ravager gut-first on the top rope! Evan tags in Casino, what is this? Casino and Evan both going to the top rope! Brandon warning Evan to exit the ring… Evan with a guillotine leg drop across the back of the dangling Ravager’s head! That spills Ravager into the ring, and Casino delivers the 450 SPLASH! CASH OUT! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!
KRENSHOV WITH THE SAVE!
Brandon yelling at KRENSHOV to get out now, and Casino takes the opportunity to beale Ravager to the outside of the ring. Casino gets in KRENSHOV’s face, now Brandon is inbetween those two. Meanwhile on the floor, Evan has a sound cable and is wrapping it around Ravager’s throat! No remorse, no mercy in Evan’s eyes. He gets back to his corner as Casino slides outside. Brandon starts his ten count as Casino slams Ravager onto the concrete! The crowd response is interesting, they both cheer and boo almost every move, disliking all four men but loving seeing them get their asses kicked!
Casino rolls into the ring to break the count, then back out. He grabs Ravager, stiffs him, then whips him into the ringpost — reversed! Ravager with a short-arm clothesline that puts Casino down on the floor! But here’s Evan to stop Ravager’s momentum, and he whips Ravager into the steel guardrail. Evan raises his arms in glory… KRENSHOV clobbers him at a limp-run with a big boot! Cartwright goes down! Brandon is yelling, trying to restore order, as KRENSHOV picks up Chris Casino in front of him. RAMMED into the steel ringpost, KRENSHOV still has Casino in his arms, shifts him to his shoulder… SNAKE EYES into the ringpost! GOD! Ravager is up, he grabs Evan’s arms, no way… CURBSTOMP on the concrete! Holy hell! Evan shudders and goes limp. The crowd is sickened but pleased.
Kenny rolls Casino into the ring and heads to his corner, smirking at Brandon. Ravager goes into the ring, up to the top rope…
DIVING HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP!
CONNECTS!
Ravager’s own head hurt off that, he doesn’t make the immediate cover, but finally hooks the leg!
ONE!
TWO!
TH—
CASINO GETS THE SHOULDER UP!
Just barely. Ravager almost can’t believe it. He sits Casino up, kicks him in the back, and then locks on the KATA-HAJIME!
BILL HEWSON: Ravager beat Casino with this very hold last year at UNIFIED! And after the pounding Chris’ head has taken here tonight, I don’t know how he’ll be able to survive it!
JACK JONES: Evan is stirring on the outside, come on Chris, hold on!
BILL HEWSON: Even if he doesn’t tap out, the KATA-HAJIME is a pass-out move! If Chris passes out, this one is over! I don’t think he can even counter using the ring ropes like he did last year, he’s taken too many blows to the head!
Casino is not looking good. Brandon grabs his arm, raises it high, and lets it drop…
Once.
The crowd is rowdy, will they see a Tag Title change! KRENSHOV is roaring on the outside. Ravager tries not to let his emotions rise, it’s not over til it’s over. Brandon raises the arm a second time… lets go…
IT DROPS.
Brandon yells “TWO!” He raises Casino’s arm once more, if it drops, it’s over, and — EVAN PULLS BRANDON DOWN AND OUT OF THE RING! Terry yells at Evan, but Evan slides into the ring and NAILS Ravager with a diving elbow, knocking him off Casino! Chris rolls to the ring apron as Evan starts driving the point of his elbow into Ravager’s nose repeatedly! Brandon slides back in, yelling for Evan to get out of the ring, he’s not legal, KRENSHOV! Kenny picks Evan off of Ravager and now Brandon is yelling for both men to get out! Kenny SHOVES Brandon away and starts slugging Evan in the corner. Irish whip… Evan reverses? He can’t reverse Kenny! KRENSHOV with a clothesline, DUCKED, Evan starts firing rights and lefts! Kenny absorbs each shot… but… the impossible!
Evan’s flurry of educated fists begin to wear him down. Kenny staggers. He sways. And then
TOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!
THE PERFECT UPPERCUT SENDS KRENSHOV TO THE CANVAS!
Terry Brandon yelling for Evan to leave the ring, now EVAN shoves Terry away! He positions the downed Krenshov into a better position and heads up top… MISSISSIPPI PLUNGE! Neither man is legal, Evan can’t cover, but he checks on his partner and helps him up. Casino looks glassy-eyed, but Evan hauls Ravager up and holds him. Instinct kicks in —
SUPERKICK!
GERMAN SUPLEX!
What a combination! Casino pretty much falls on top of Ravager, Brandon tells Evan to get out, drops down to count!
ONE!
TWO!
TH—
KRENSHOV with a last second save, somehow! Evan gets back into the ring and charges KRENSHOV — CAUGHT! FALLAWAY SLAM! Evan skitters across the ring, and then KRENSHOV clobbers Casino. Wait a minute, he hooks him. Can he? Hopping slightly on one leg, KRENSHOV hoists Casino up high…
TOTAL ECLIPSE!
Ravager throws an arm over Casino as Brandon tells KRENSHOV to get out of the ring, COVER!
ONE!
TWO!
TH— Evan makes the save at the last second!
BILL HEWSON: This match is completely breaking down! Brandon can’t keep either of the illegal men out! I don’t know how you score a pinfall when somebody keeps breaking it up!
JACK JONES: Somebody’s going to have to find a way, that’s all there is to it! Just don’t make me choose!
KRENSHOV is back in the ring, grabbing Evan. Evan rakes his eyes to get free of the giant. Roaring Elbow connects, doesn’t knock the big man down! Evan hits the ropes again —
LARIATTTTTOOOOOOO!
From RAVAGER onto the running Evan! Evan flips inside-and-out! KRENSHOV grunts —
SUPERKICKOOOOOOOO!
Casino scores with a superkick to the butt of Krenshov’s jaw that sends him over the top rope! Casino’s smirk is gone, he’s ANGRY — He cheapshots Ravager and gets behind, hooking the arms for the BANKRUPT… Ravager stands up, Casino flips over and lands on his feet! Still looking for the arms, Ravager gets free and behind Casino, LAST RESORT, Casino breaks the full nelson, turns around, hooks his man for a BRAINBUSTER! Up high, Ravager manages to flip off! He whips Casino into the ropes, Casino holds the rope to stop, Ravager charges with a clothesline that sends BOTH MEN OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!
BILL HEWSON: This match has spilled outside and Terry Brandon has no choice but to count! Wait a minute, Evan Cartwright has a STEEL CHAIR OH NO! ONTO KRENSHOV!
Brandon was focused on Ravager and Casino, he didn’t see it! KRENSHOV doesn’t quite go down, Evan comes in again — KENNY PUNCHES THE CHAIR INTO EVAN’S FACE! Evan goes down! KRENSHOV shakes the cobwebs loose, and then heads over to the FoD corner. He grabs the black ring bell! Brandon spies this, he starts yelling at KRENSHOV to put the weapon down, rolling outside to get between KRENSHOV and Cartwright. Meanwhile on the otherside, Casino tumbles into the timekeeper… Ravager grabs him WHAM! Casino with a shot from one of the tag title belts floors Ravager! Casino starts pounding away on Ravager! On the other side of the ring, Brandon is trying to somehow convince the colossal KRENSHOV against using the weapon — Kenny raises the bell —
CARTWRIGHT SHOVES BRANDON INTO KENNY’S LINE OF FIRE!
DING!
Brandon goes DOWN from the ring bell to the head! He’s OUT! Kenny almost looks surprised, but not exactly displeased, but that gives Evan the chance he needs to hit a Roaring Elbow! Kenny drops the bell! On the other side, Casino has laid Ravager out across the timekeeper’s table! He goes to the top turnbuckle then, the crowd on their feet…
FLYING ELBOW THROUGH THE TABLE! EXPLODO!
Kenny throws Evan into the guardrail and heads over towards Casino! Casino and Ravager are both down in the wreckage and splinters of the table, Ravager the worse for wear. KRENSHOV tosses Casino into the ring, along with the tag title belts and the official ring bell! Kenny comes in, Casino manages a title belt shot, blocked! KRENSHOV looking for the PACKAGE PILEDRIVER on Casino, Evan gets in and low blows Kenny from behind! He grabs the title belt, WHAMMO to KRENSHOV! The big man stays standing, but not when Casino clips his knee! The champions pile their belts on top of KRENSHOV, what are they —
RAVAGER WITH THE FoD RINGBELL!
DING!
He gets Cartwright, but Casino has the official ringbell and they CLANG into each other!
DINNNNNNG!
They each drop their weapon from the ringing impact… and then grab a title belt! Casino and Ravager facing off — Here come other referees! John Sharplin and Anthony Uruburu hit the ring trying to restore order — CASINO NAILS URUBURU! RAVAGER NAILS SHARPLIN! THE REFEREES GO DOWN! Ravager and Casino take each other down and brawl, rolling around on the canvas, this is no longer a wrestling match!
Outside the ring, Terry Brandon has pulled himself up to ring height, holding his head in pain, seeing what’s going on. KRENSHOV and Evan are on their knees throwing punches at one another! Ravager and Casino roll to the floor! Here comes some security! EVAN UPPERCUTS ONE! TOASTY! KRENSHOV WITH A BIG BOOT! Security try to separate Ravager and Casino — LAST RESORT! Casino SUPERKICK! NOBODY CAN STOP THESE FOUR FROM TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!
Brandon crawls over to the wreckage of the timekeeper’s table, where he is helped up by Frank Warburton.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, referee Terry Brandon has ruled this match… a NO CONTEST!
The crowd boos the decision heavily, but the casualties in the ring tell the story. The Faces of Death and Casino & Cartwright are continuing to try to DESTROY one another, spilling out of the ring again… MORE security comes, joined by police officers! The crowd begins throwing garbage in the ring as a dozen or more men come in, five on Krenshov, at least two on each other man.
What everybody realizes is that Terry Brandon has lost control of not just the match, but NAPW entirely.
Frank announces intermission time as security and the fuzz attempt to corral four raging bulls…
-INTERMISSION-
BILL HEWSON: You can’t get me to believe you failed a steroid test because you ate too many pop rocks.
JACK JONES: That’s my story and I’m sticking it to it!
BILL HEWSON: Fine. Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see during intermission our ring crew has set up the 15-foot high STEEL CAGE in preparation for our double main event! Inside this ominous structure two feuds will come to a head, and there will be no escape! Let’s go to Frank!
“WANNA GO FOR A RIDE!”
‘Zero’ by Smashing Pumpkins kicks in… and ‘The Ego Buster’ Dan Ryan steps through the curtain to a thunderous pop! He makes his way down the aisle, stopping outside of the cage which was put up during. He looks over the deadly structure…
And smiles.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is the STEEL CAGE GRUDGE MATCH! The match will end by pinfall, submission, or escape of the cage! Introducing first, hailing from Houston Texas. He is a multiple-time World Champion in the wrestling world, 2008 NAPW Canada Cup winner and a former NAPW World Champion! Weighing in at three-hundred and thirty-five pounds… “THE EGO BUSTER!” DAN! RYAN!
BILL HEWSON: Over the past few months, the NAPW fans have finally started to accept Dan Ryan.
JACK JONES: ORRRRRR their hatred for D! is just so great every is a hero compared to him.
BILL HEWSON: … No, I’m pretty sure the fans like Dan Ryan. They certainly like him MORE though when he’s pasting D!’s face into the canvas!
“NOTE TO SELF: DON’T CHANGE FOR ANYONE!
NOTE TO SELF, DON’T DIE!”
Just then the conversation between Jones and Hewson dies as ‘Note to Myself: Don’t Die’ blasts through the Polish Hall. Possibly the most hated man in NAPW, D!, makes his way to the ring and the crowd is letting them know exactly what they think of him.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! Making his way toward the cage from Edmonton, Alberta! He is a former Team CHAMPION of CHAMPIONS and a three-time NAPW World Champion! Weighing in at two-hundred and thirteen pounds… one letter, said real loud! DEEEEEE!
Dan Ryan is standing inside the cage waving D! in. D! doesn’t seem that eager to climb in the ring and face Ryan as he circles the cage, sniping at fans, especially those fans who’ve been at every single damn show. Finally, D! steps cautiously through the cage door. He gulps when the outside official locks it behind him, yelling…
D! is meet by a hard right had by Ryan! Ryan seems to be all business, hitting D! with another right — then another — then another! D! tries to hit him back but is blocked by Ryan who picks him up for a big powerslam! Ryan picks D! up and slams him in the side of the cage, causing it to rock. D! gets to his knees and pleads, but that doesn’t stop Dan Ryan. The low blow does, though.
But only for a moment.
Ryan is quickly back on the attack but D! surprises Ryan with a roundhouse punch that stuns Ryan. Then it’s a drop toe-hold that sends Ryan careening right into the steel cage! D! gets up, flashing evil glances towards the audience, as blood begins to trickle from Ryan’s gashed forehead.
BILL HEWSON: I was about to say that this match as been all Dan Ryan and D! seemed to be getting what he deserved but the tempo seems it may be changing.
JACK JONES: That’s right Hewson! Never count D! out. With that trip into the cage, D! is in control!
D! kneels on Ryan’s back and begins GRRIINNDDIINNGG Ryan’s face into the steel mesh in a gruesome sight. D! gets off, soaking in the boos of the crowd. He loves it. Ryan is draped over the bottom rope, blinking blood away… D! gets a head of steam!
Basement dropkick to the back of Ryan’s head, smashing his face into the cage again! What a brutal move from D!!
BILL HEWSON: There are no weapons inside THIS steel cage, those are saved for the House of Horrors match next… but D! is using the steel cage itself as a weapon. We knew this was going to be vicious, but my goodness!
D! stomps away on the crawling Ryan, kicking him in the face. Stiff kick to the ribs. D! jumps up — DOUBLE STOMP to the back of Ryan’s head, driving The Ego Buster face-first into the canvas. D! sneers and covers, referee John Sharplin the unenviable task of being INSIDE the cage with these two. The cover!
ONE!
…
And that’s it.
Ryan POWERS D! off. The maniacal D! responds with a frenzied screech, charging right into Dan Ryan…
SPINEBUSTER!
The bloodied Dan Ryan nearly broke the damn ring in half using D! as a tool. Ryan reaches up to his face and wipes the blood away. And you know what he does?
He smiles.
The crowd loves it. They know that D!… is about to enter a world of hurt.
The Ego Buster picks D! up and hoists him onto his shoulder. He takes one, two, three steps towards the cage and LAWN DARTS D! head-first, Rey Mysterio style into the STEEL. D! rebounds and hits the canvas hard, and when he comes up… red crimson is streaming down his forehead.
JACK JONES: Both men are busted open blood everywhere. This reminds me of my senior prom.
BILL HEWSON: So you went with your cousin, and… you know what, I’m not even going to ask how this reminds you of your senior prom. But I will say this is just as violent as we expected it to be!
Ryan is back on the attack as he suplexes D! down to the mat. Ryan continues to bleed as the blood is now dripping into his eyes. D! is down but not out as he low blows Ryan once more to gain some momentum, at least enough to get back to his feet. D! digs his thumb into the Ryan’s open cut — smiling as he does it. Ryan is temporarily blinded by the blood pouring down his eye. D! suddenly reaches into his boot.
And pulls out a length of steel chain.
D! starts to punishes Ryan with it getting three or four good licks in — but Ryan manages to catch it and take it away from him! Ryan returns the favor to D!, busting him open again as the chain rips his flesh. The crowd cheers with every whip of the chain, D! scrambling frantically to get away, yelping in pain as the metal tears meat. Ryan then uses the chain to choke D! before finally releasing him and watching him fall to the mat.
BILL HEWSON: That has to be it. Dan Ryan has got his revenge on D! and can now exit the cage.
JACK JONES: Say it ain’t so. Come on D! I got big money on you and…
BILL HEWSON: Gambling again are we Jack?
JACK JONES: Umm, let’s get back to the match.
Ryan starts to head toward the cage door that is being held open by John Sharplin, but he decides he isn’t quite done with D! yet. He doesn’t want to win by escape, he wants to win by killing D!.
Only problem is that D! has managed to maneuver his way to the discarded steel chain. Ryan picks D! up — SHOT TO THE FACE! D! wrapped the chain around his fist and clobbered Ryan with it! Ryan staggers backwards into the corner and D! climbs up on top of him…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!
With every chain-assisted blow, the crowd boos louder and louder. But Dan Ryan is not in good shape after those repeated blows… the blood dripping down his chest.
BILL HEWSON: As much as I hate to say it, that may be the beginning of the end. Both men have lost a tremendous amount of blood, but thanks to that chain he snuck into the match, D! has taken control!
JACK JONES: He had it under control the whole time. He was just playing possum.
BILL HEWSON: D! looks like roadkill, Jack Attack.
Then D! musters up all his strength and somehow perches Dan Ryan on the top turnbuckle, facing the crowd. D! grabs a handful of Ryan’s short cropped hair and pulls him perpindicular. Ryan is in a bad position and D! KICKS HIM IN THE SPINE! Ryan falls down into the TREE OF WOE. D! chokes Ryan with his flame-detailed Harley boot right in the throat, then gets some distance… BASEMENT DROPKICK right into the face! Dan Ryan could be out right here, and upside down to boot.
D! then mocks Ryan… and jaws with the crowd before getting a smile of confidence on his face. D! then begins to climb the steel cage as chants of Ryan, Ryan, Ryan break out. Ryan is still dangling upside down, but showing signs of life. D! continues to climb but not as fast as possible as he continues to jaw with the crowd. Ryan tumbles free of the Tree of Woe!
D! is almost at the top, he’s reaching over the top of the cage!
Ryan is back to his feet but D! is going over! It’s too late —
NO!
Ryan runs toward the side of the cage and shoulder blocks it! The cage rattles! D! loses his grip and begins to fall but he grabs back ahold and starts to climb again. Ryan climbs after him, grabbing his foot and yanking him
ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE MAT! D! CRASHES AND BURNS FROM 15 FEET HIGH! Ryan is standing on the top rope at this point, he looks down, shrugs, and drops a three-hundred-plus pound elbow right into D!’s heart!
BILL HEWSON: I can’t believe the violence of this match. It is like something you would see in REBEL Pro!
JACK JONES: Don’t mention that second rate fed to me, especially as we celebrate NAPW’s anniversary. And as far as violence goes that is exactly what D! likes! He’s got the match perfectly under control!
BILL HEWSON: Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, Jack!
The dive took a fair amount of Dan Ryan as well, but he hooks a leg…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE—
D! barely gets his shoulder up!
BILL HEWSON: Somehow D! found the will to stay in this match, and I’ll give him credit for that. But at this point, both men have lost a lot of blood, they’ve taken a tremendous amount of punishment… I don’t know how much more gas is in either man’s tank!
JACK JONES: This match isn’t fancy, Hewson, it’s just pure brutality! Who needs GARBAGE Pro, these two just beat the hell out of each other with bare hands! And one chain. But you know, only ONE.
Ryan is swaying on his feet, he’s lost a lot of blood. He picks D! up, only to take a vicious steel-toe to the forehead that knocks him back. D! unleashes another kick.
Another.
A chop.
A spin kick.
The blows rain down, faster, until they become…
A BARRAGE.
Ryan is somehow swaying, somehow up, but D! is almost a blur, delivering a Beat-O-Barrage for the ages! Ryan goes down to one knee, and D! unloads a BUZZ KICK right to the side of the head! Finally, Dan Ryan slumps to the canvas. D! blows snot down at Ryan’s bloody, near-comatose body. Then. He looks up. And grins red.
BILL HEWSON: D! going to the top rope, what’s he thinking — could he?
JACK JONES: The very move that won him the ToC! The Ramma Jamma Elbow Hamma!
D! preens, but suddenly stops. He looks up.
HIGHER.
Remembering his cage match with Chris Casino. He prepares to climb… but out of the corner of his eye sees the impossible. Dan Ryan is getting back to his feet. D! scowls, and then raises his arms like an eagle on the top turnbuckle. He leaps off with an axhandle blow —
SUPERKICK.
Right into the flying D!’s jaw, snapping his head back! Good God! That was all Ryan had, he collapses himself and both men are down!
BILL HEWSON: There is no ten-count in this match, the match only ends one of three ways! If Dan Ryan could throw an arm over D!, he could win this after that vicious superkick, knocking D! out of the air with such force and impact…
JACK JONES: But he can’t, Hewson! This match is taking it’s toll on both men!
BILL HEWSON: We knew it would be personal, we knew it would be violent, but we never imagined just how bad it would get!
Slowly.
Dan Ryan gets to his feet.
Slowly, using the ropes, D! gets to his.
They meet in the center of the ring, almost leaning against one another… and then start punching the SHIT out of each other.
RYAN.
D!.
RYAN.
D!.
RYAN… staggers back some… D! is the smaller man by far but his THING is striking, deadly hands…
D! is swaying on his feet, Dan Ryan has so much power behind those blows…
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
It’s an exchange D! can’t possibly win, and he drops like a sack of potatoes. The crowd is going crazy, because D!. Is. Dead.
Ryan picks D! up by the scruff of the neck and jams his head between his thighs. The crowd get TO THEIR FEET (they haven’t sat down!) as Ryan readies to humble One Letter! He flips him up — HUMILITY BOMB — in desperation D! jams his thumbs into Ryan’s blood-covered eyes! Ryan loses his grip and D! slips behind to deliver the NYQUIL SPIKE! NYQUIL SPIKE! D! FALLS OVER DAN RYAN AND COVERS!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE
KICK-OUT!
BILL HEWSON: HE KICKED OUT, HE KICKED OUT!
JACK JONES: How did he kick out, HOW?!
BILL HEWSON: D! just his Dan Ryan with his best move, and Ryan found a way to get out! What else can he do?
JACK JONES: I’ll tell you what else he can do! He can CLIMB! CLIMB FOR HIS LIFE!
D! climbs the turnbuckle, getting fingerholds in the steel mesh of the corner. He climbs up, looking to just get the hell out and win this match… Dan Ryan is up! Ryan shakes blood out of his eyes and comes to the corner, where he grabs D! by the thighs! D! shakes his head “No no no no no!” He holds onto the cage mesh for dear life as Ryan has him in position, D! holds on — his fingers slip! Ryan hoists D! high in the air…
HUMILITY BOMB.
D! is done, spread-eagled on the canvas. Ryan slumps back against the corner as the crowd chants his name. “RYAN, RYAN, RYAN.” Ryan looks at D!’s carcass. He staggers out of the corner, nudges D! with his toe. Nothing. He could end it right here.
But really, that would hardly be enough.
JACK JONES: Come on now enough is enough. D! is already in need of medical help. What more does Dan Ryan want?!
BILL HEWSON: I think Dan Ryan wants D! to know, for the rest of his life, that he miessed with the wrong person.
JACK JONES: I bet you are one of those people who think there is always a silver lining, too.
BILL HEWSON: Do you ever listen to yourself? I agree Dan Ryan could end it right now, but I can understand that after everything D! has said and done to him… one Humility Bomb isn’t enough! Not for an egomaniac like D!, and Dan Ryan? He’s the Ego BUSTER!
Ryan looks at the crowd, grinning bad intentions. They want to see it. Ryan picks D! up, D! can’t even stand. That’s okay, Dan Ryan has more than enough strength to position him. Ryan lifts D! up — and RUNS forward!
HUMILITY BOMB INTO THE CAGE —
Which
Gives
WAY.
The entire side of the cage gives way towards the entrance as fans scream! The limp body of D! crashes in a raucous clattering of steel on concrete as the entire wall hits the floor! D! bounces off the mesh and into the aisleway, coming to a stop.
“HOLY (BLEEP)!
HOLY (BLEEP)!
HOLY (BLEEP)!
HOLY (BLEEP)!”
BILL HEWSON: The cage gave way! My God, the cage gave WAY from the force of the Humility Bomb! Dan Ryan has DESTROYED D! —
DING DING DING.
BILL HEWSON: Wait a minute, John Sharplin has called for the bell.
JACK JONES: What happened? Who won?
BILL HEWSON: John Sharplin is about to tell us if you will just be quiet for a minute.
John Sharplin is discussing the situation with Morgan Smythe, who was on the outside of the cage for the match guarding the door. She nods gravely to John. Ryan, in the ring, looks down at the sight of EMTs attending to the motionless D! on top of the steel mesh. The crowd is chanting Holy (BLEEP) over and over again, but getting a little anxious the longer the announcement of Ryan’s destruction takes. Finally, Sharplin confers with Frank Warburton, and the ring announcer speaks.
FRANK WARBURTON: John Sharplin has conferred with his junior official. The winner of this match… as a result of ESCAPE…
DEEEEEE!
The NAPW fans begin to chant bullshit, bullshit as EMTs bring out a stretcher to stabilize D!. Ryan tilts his head, surveying his handiwork, an expression of “you’ve got to be kidding…” on his face. The crowd sure isn’t happy.
BILL HEWSON: In the strangest fashion possible… ladies and gentlemen, D! is your winner. I’d hardly call it a win to be proud of.
JACK JONES: In this sport, any victory is a victory to be proud of! Whether it’s by hook or by crook!
BILL HEWSON: This one was hook that for sure.
JACK JONES: Say what you want to Hewson, but D! is still the winner.
Dan Ryan stares down D! as the EMTs squirrel him through the curtain. He then stares at the crowd before staring at the crowd and raising his hand in victory, receiving a roar of approval. Ryan exits the ring and heads to the back.
FRANK WARBURTON: Fans, we are going to have to take an unscheduled brief intermission… as soon as we get this cage repaired, we will bring you our MAIN EVENT! Don’t go too far!
The ring crew is working FEVERISHLY. The fans have been here for a long night of wrestling already, and this delay is only making them more and more rowdy. The cage appears to be in decent shape, but some of the fastenings are shot and on-the-spot improvisation is taking place.
Suddenly…
“MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN!
SICKER THAN SICK!”
The crowd POPS LIKE TOTALLY HUGE for… “THE NEXUS ONE” REX CALIBER!
Sexy Rexy heads to the ring, slapping hands. He circles the ring, loving the crowd’s reaction to his appearance. Finally, our favorite Perry Saturn look-alike enters the cage door with the microphone.
REX CALIBER: Fans WHOOOOOOO how you doing? This a hell of a show or WHAT? YEAH!
POPCORN!
REX CALIBER: Great to be back in Edmonton with the best damn fans anywhere — except REBEL PRO (thumbs up, cheap pop and some ‘respectful’ boos) — especially all the Alberta chicks, damn! But you know lots of ya’ll told me earlier that you were sad that The REXELLENCE of REXECUTION wasn’t on the card tonight! Well if me signing autographs wasn’t enough for you, then I got something for ya! I know what my fans want most!
They don’t want to see me WRESTLE!
Huh?
REX CALIBER: They don’t want to hear me TALK!
It sure SOUNDS like they do, Rex, what are you…?
REX CALIBER: The number one thing ALLLLLLL of my Rex-A-Maniacs want to see is ME GET NAKED! I’LL LAY IT ON YA RIGHT NOW NAPW! WHOOOOOO!
Rex’s music starts to play and he rips open his shirt, tossing it over the cage into the crowd! He kicks off his shoes, and begins to give the most disturbingly SEXY striptease right in the center of the ring! Lady-types SCREAM and men-type admire Rex’s balls! The man want to be him, and well, the women… you know the rest!
Now THAT’S how you kill time while fixing a broken cage!
And now.
The ring is stained with blood. The fans are buzzing right now, and the buzz gets bigger as The Black Keys play over the speakers. The pop isn’t as big as it has been in the past, a slightly mixed reaction… as nobody is quite sure where the challenger stands right now…
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and Gentlemen! This match is scheduled for one fall and can only end by PINFALL or SUBMISSION… and it is for the NAPW World Championship! Making his way to the ring first, the challenger! From Wabana, Bell Island, Newfoundland, weighing in at two hundred and forty seven pounds… the former champion, “LDK” Lloyd Rees!
Rees seems to be in another world right now as he steps into the House of Horrors. He surveys the weapons hanging from the cage. Tables are folded up and leaning against the ring apron. Chairs, some wrapped in barbed wire, some just regular metal. Various objects wrapped in barbed wire: If They Only Knew by Chyna. A double ended dildo. A baseball bat. There looks to be a bottle opener or two on the mat near the turnbuckles. No shortage of weapons for this bout…
“Dress Like a Target” starts up, and there’s no doubt as to the fans feelings on the champion…
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, representing DIRTY MONEY! From Kitchener, Ontario. He weighs two hundred and forty pounds, and is your NAPW World Champion… KRUSTY KID PAUL!!!
KKP soaks in the hate. He’s dressed as a warlock of sorts. But the costume doesn’t matter right now. The NAPW World title belt around his waist does. Rees does not take his eyes off the belt until it’s in the hands of referee Dick Kiebiech. He holds it up for the fans to see. Rees and KKP lock eyes. Kiebiech calls for the bell, and they don’t even bother to lock up! The two men trade punches center ring, with the brawler KKP taking control right away. He whips Rees to the ropes… Rees puts the breaks on, and spins around and catches KKP with a dropkick. KKP goes down, and now Rees drops an elbow right to the champ’s sternum! He tries to lock in a surfboard but KKP gets an arm free and manages to elbow Rees away. He gets to his feet, and eyes some of the weapons hanging from the cage. He then looks at Rees, and remembers the promise he made. He goes for a lock up, and slips behind for a waistlock. Rees is caught a bit off guard, and tries to break the hold, but KKP hits the Bottle Opener! Rees taken down with the German Suplex then gets an elbow to the face as an added bonus. He goes for a cover, but Rees rolls onto his side before KKP can even hook the leg. And now Rees is looking for a weapon. KKP smirks, as if he’s about to be proven right about what he’s been saying…
And now Rees with a double leg takedown! He gets KKP onto his back, and he hooks the legs for a slingshot into the cage… KKP struggles, Rees loses his grip… KKP gets a leg free and tries to kick Rees in the face… Rees grabs the leg… and he turns KKP over for a Boston Crab! That earns some cheers as the champion is in some serious pain right now! KKP manages to pull himself to the ropes, not that there are any rope breaks here. But he manages to pull himself up and loosen some of the pressure. Rees lets go of the hold and tries to lock him in a camel clutch, but KKP slips out of it… Rees grabs a hold of KKP’s costume and tries to pull him in for a headlock, but the fabric tears, and KKP gets free of the hold… boot to the gut, and Rees is doubled over! KKP pounces… PILEDRIVER! Rees planted in the mat, and Krusty Kid Paul looks to end things early! He hooks the leg for a cover! One.. two… Rees gets a shoulder up! A sigh of relief from the fans, but still some uncertainty. KKP lays in with several boots to the midsection of the challenger. Rees trying to fight his way to his feet, but KKP stands over him, knocking him back down.
BILL HEWSON: Krusty Kid Paul keeping his promise, not using the weapons that surround him.
JACK JONES: Doesn’t look like he needs them. The CHAMP is in control.
Rees catches the foot of KKP after one last attempted kick, and he pushes back, sending KKP to the mat. Rees to his feet, and he looks ready to…
KKP gets a boot up, and catches the challenger below the belt. Rees is staggered, and now the champion decides to step things up even more. He grabs Rees by the hair and drives him face first into the cage! Rees’ head connects with a sickening thud! He stumbles backwards, and KKP is waiting with a big boot! Rees to the mat, and now KKP is smiling. He’s proven he can dominate on his own merits. Now he can have some fun. He grabs the first weapon he sees. A bottle opener. He goes to his knees, right above Rees’ prone head. And he goes to dig the sharp object right into Rees’ forehead… Rees blocks it. He reaches up and grabs KKP’s wrist, and pushes back. KKP pushes down as hard as he can, and now both men are struggling against each other. Rees finally gets a hand free and jabs his thumb in KKP’s eye! He drops the bottle opener and clutches at his injured eye. Rees gets to his feet, and he grabs a chair. But he doesn’t even get turned around before KKP tackles him, raining down punches on the head of the challenger. Rees is forced to cover up, allowing KKP to grab a chair and bring it down across his back! A sickening crack as Rees writhes in pain! KKP clobbers him with the chair again. And now Rees is struggling to get to the ropes. KKP drops the chair and now he has the bottle opener again. And this time?
Rees doesn’t block.
Groans from the front row fans as KKP splits Rees wide open. An already bloodied mat has even more crimson on it. KKP’s hands are a gory mess as well as he tosses the bottle opener away and looks for another weapon. He grabs the wire wrapped dildo and turns to face the challenger, who is valiantly pulling himself to his feet. He grabs a chair that is hanging from the cage, and he stands ready to clobber KKP with it. The champ just laughs, and tells Rees to “Hit me and prove me right!” With the blood running down his face, Rees looks even more manic and out of sorts than he did before. As the fans wonder what he will do Rees… smiles?
And tosses the chair at KKP. KKP drops the dildo and catches the chair. And Rees has all the opening he needs to score a double leg takedown! And now he’s got the Lance Cove Leglock locked in! KKP is in the center of the ring and is yelling in pain! And Rees is shouting too- “I want to hear ya tap!” And that gets a cheer from the fans as he bears down and puts all his weight into the hold. KKP has little way out of this other than tapping out, and Kiebiech is there to see if he does. Rees has the hold cinched in tight, but KKP keeps shaking his head “NO” every time Kiebiech asks if he wants to give up. Finally Rees gets impatient and lets go of the hold. KKP crawls to the ropes and tries to pull himself up. Rees stands back a few feet, and allows him to get to his feet. KKP looks right in Rees’ eyes. And Rees smiles again. And lets KKP know
“Even if the old Rees was comin’ back. You wouldn’t stand a chance”
And with that Rees races towards KKP and nails him with a forearm to the jaw! KKP is rocked against the ropes, and Rees launches in with chops to the chest. KKP reaches behind him and grabs the first weapon he can grasp, a barbed wire bat, and swings it at Rees! Rees ducks it, and reaches down and grabs a weapon. He’s back up and he clobbers KKP with…
JACK JONES: Did Rees just hit the champ with a double ended dildo wrapped in barbed wire?
BILL HEWSON: He sure did! That’s one of KKP’s favorite weapons, disturbing as that may be.
Rees looks at the weapon he was just forced to use. And shrugs. And clobbers KKP again with it! The fans pop huge for that, and now Rees is trying to open up KKP’s forehead! More blood now as the champ is split open! KKP trying to fight his way out of this, but Rees will not relent. Finally Rees drops the dildo and grabs a nearby chair. KKP ducks a wild swing, and tries to go behind for a German Suplex. Rees scores an elbow to the jaw, and then boots him in the gut, and hauls him with Wabana Buster! And now a cover! One.. two.. the champ gets a shoulder up! Rees wipes the blood from his eyes, and goes to the ropes. He goes to the ring apron and… Fresh Water Flip!…
Misses!
KKP rolls out of the way at the last second, and now both men are left bleeding on the mat. Rees is the first to his feet, and he goes and collects a table. He starts to set it up, but KKP charges in and clobbers him with a forearm to the back. And now KKP tries to set up the table, but Rees nails him with a European Uppercut! KKP knocked on his butt, and Rees props the table up in the corner. And now he drags KKP to his feet. He tries to whip KKP into the table, but KKP reverses… Rees into the table – no he reverses… KKP into the table.. no he drops to one knee. Rees grabs the champ by the hair and tries to pull him up… KKP gets an elbow to Rees’ midsection, and then hip tosses the challenger through the table! Rees nearly broken in half as KKP goes for the over! One.. two… Rees gets a shoulder up! KKP looks shocked as he checks with Kiebiech to see if the count was legit. Rees’ eyes are glazed over from the punishment and blood loss. KKP is starting to get woozy as well. But he knows when to grab weapons. He picks up the Chyna book, grimaces, and places it on the top turnbuckle. He goes back to Rees and pulls him up, and drags him to the turnbuckle. He looks ready to drive his face into the barbed wire cover book of doom…
But Rees gets a foot on the second turnbuckle, stopping him from making impact. KKP tries again, but again Rees blocks. He tries a third time, and a third time Rees blocks, and responds by slamming KKP’s head into the book! KKP staggers backwards, and Rees scores another double leg takedown, and this time succeeds in sling-shotting the champ into the cage! A huge pop as KKP makes impact! Rees catches KKP before he falls, and nails him with a belly to back suplex! KKP left laying on the mat, and now Rees goes back to the ropes… Fresh Water Flip connects! He hooks the leg for a cover! One.. two..
Krusty Kid Paul gets a shoulder up!
BILL HEWSON: Both men subjecting themselves to horrendous damage. But neither wants to leave here without the NAPW title!
Rees stalks KKP. The champ is a bloody mess. He pushes himself onto his knees, and then he manages to lift his head up… and that’s the opening Rees needed, as he slaps on the Conception Bay Chinlock! The fans are on their feet as they sense a title change, but Rees can’t get his legs grapevined. KKP rolls onto his stomach as Rees tries to get a better grip, but can’t. The blood flow actually helping KKP as he slips out of the hold. Rees and KKP on their knees, and they go back to trading punches, but they are exhausted and the fists don’t fly too wild. KKP manages to score a headbutt, knocking Rees to the mat. The champ grabs another table, and sets it up. He hauls LDK off the mat, and drapes him across the table. And now KKP to the top rope! … No, he’s still climbing. Very slowly. Rees rolls off the table, and sees where KKP is heading. He staggers over to the corner, and starts climbing after the champion. And the fans are buzzing again. The competitors finally reach the top. KKP punches Rees right between the eyes, and for a second looks like he’s going to tumble off the cage and to the floor! Rees keeps his grip, and fires off several right hands to the face of KKP, who nearly takes a fall himself! KKP hooks his arm around Rees’ head and tries to lift him up for a suplex. Rees punches KKP in the gut, forcing him to let go (and fall backwards to the floor!) And now Rees grabs KKP by the hair…
BILL HEWSON: What is Rees setting up for? … Oh no he wouldn’t!
JACK JONES: For me, and my bookie! Don’t do it!
There is a struggle to get their balance. But finally Rees gets his footing and gets the grip he wants… as he hits a powerbomb on KKP from the top of the cage! Both men crash through the table and the “Holy Shit” chants are loud and plentiful throughout Polish Hall!
JACK JONES: Rees did some damage, but he took himself out too! How’s he going to make the cover!?
The ring is bathed in blood. Broken tables litter the ring. Weapons have been discarded. And the champion and challenger aren’t moving. Kiebiech has little choice but to count both men out. This draws boos from the crowd, but neither man looks able to continue. He reaches five when Rees starts to stir. At seven KKP has rolled over onto his stomach. By nine each men have crawled to the ropes, and Kiebiech stops the count. He takes a second to clear the broken table out of the way, and Rees and KKP use the ropes to hold each other up. Kiebiech goes to check with KKP. The champ wants to continue. He goes to Rees. The challenger doesn’t want to stop either. So Kiebiech goes back to centre ring, and signals for both men to keep going. The two men stagger to center ring, and fight with all the will they have left. KKP scores a cheap shot to the throat, and then nails Rees with a knee smash! Rees is knocked to the ropes, and now KKP scoops him up and places him in the corner in a Tree of Woe! He won’t be able to hit Crack Rock Steady, but he does set a chair up in front of Rees’ face, and then goes to the opposite turnbuckle to get a running start. KKP with a baseball slide into the chair! But there’s no Rees as he managed to pull his head out of the way! KKP writhes in pain as Rees gets untangled from the ropes. And now Rees grabs the chair, waits patiently for KKP to stand up and
CRACK!!
KKP takes a sick shot to the head! He’s knocked into the turnbuckles, which are the only things keeping him standing! Rees unfolds and sets up two chairs, then hooks KKP up for a brainbuster! The fans tense in anticipation, but KKP hooks his leg on the bottom rope, and Rees can’t lift him up. Rees lets go of the hold and starts to club KKP with forearms…
KKP with the bottle opener! Nobody can tell when he scooped it up, but everyone can see it now, and he gouges it dangerously close to Rees’ eyes! Rees blinded! KKP grabs a chair and sets the end of it under Rees throat, and guillotines it down to the mat! Rees blinded and now struggles for air! He crumples to the mat, and KKP looks to cover… no, he’s resetting the chairs, putting them back to back! He drags Rees off the mat, and hauls him up…
KRUSTY BOMB!! Rees almost broken in half as he’s dropped onto the chairs! KKP with a cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, and STILL NAPW World Champion: KRUSTY KID PAUL!!
KKP staggers out of the cage and is handed his title belt. He’s bloody. Can barely stand. But he still finds the energy to hold the title belt high for all to see. Rees is being tended to by the referee as the fans give him a hand for his efforts. But all that matters right now is:
Krusty Kid Paul is no joke.
He’s the champ.
Happy birthday, NAPW!
CREDITS:
Intro – Ryan
Jake Phoenix vs Tommy Deathrow – Sir Aaron
Stylin’ Kyle Roberts Induction – Jago
Costume Battle Royale – Ryan
Billy Kryenik & Jer$ey vs O’Connor Boys – JP w/Ryan
Friday Night Whyte – Diego and Brion
Rees/Hewson/Stone Segment – Hussey/Ryan/Ben
“The Show” Chad Kurtis vs Stone Zellor – Bean
Kidd/FoD/Beast Segment – Kidd/Allan/Devin
“WHITE CHOCOLATE~” Tiffany Macintyre vs Asuka Katsuragi – Ben
Chris Casino & Evan Cartwright vs Faces of Death – Ryan
“The Ego Buster” Dan Ryan vs D! II – Curtis w/Ryan
Krusty Kid Paul vs “LDK” Lloyd Rees III – Allan
October 31, 2008 5:36 AM No Comments
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