FACES OF DEATH 10/13/2009
The Freak Show vs Brothers O’Connor
“The Show” Chad Kurtis vs Go Shimizu
Total Destruction Alliance vs Blood Harvest
Taboo vs Hostile
Donovan Astros vs Lloyd Rees
Trent Daniels vs The Outlaw
Bruce “The Beast” Richards vs Steve Parker
Ravager vs KRENSHOV
BILL HEWSON: Welcome to New Alberta Pro Wrestling, where tonight we invade the Ogden Legion Hall here in Calgary, Alberta for another huge card! I’m Bill Hewson alongside Jack “Attack” Jones and fans, our first match promises to be a grand event with REBEL PRO’s The Freak Show taking on the team of Seamus and Sean O’Connor.
JACK JONES: Did I ever tell you about my experience with the shorter portion of our population?
BILL HEWSON: No. And I really don’t want to hear it.
“Dies Irae” begins to chant its way through the speakers as the crowd boos the former NAPW Tag Team Champions heavily as they walk from the back.
FRANK WARBURTON: At a total combined weight of three hundred pounds even, they are SEAMUS and SEAN… THE BROTHERS O’CONNOR!
Seamus and Sean walk down to the ring, focused on the squared circle, their robes billowing out behind them. Before stepping into th squared circle, they remove their robes and wipe their feet of any trash they picked up on their way down here.
“The Oddities” by the Insane Clown Possee picks up as the crowd goes wild for their opponents. Freak and Shut Down walk out with Boondock Saints dolls that resemble Seamus and Sean as they hand them out to the crowd at ringside.
FRANK WARBURTON: At a total combined weight of five hundred pounds, THE FREAK and SHUT DOWN… THE FREAK SHOW!
They step up the ring steps, never taking their eyes off of the Brothers O’Connor, they are ready for this battle.
DING DING DING
Seamus and the Freak go for the traditional collar and elbow tie up to start off the match, but Seamus with a thigh kick stops Freak’s advance. Seamus with a quick spin around to deliver a stiff kick to the back of Freak sending him in the corner where Sean plants a right hand into his forehead. Shut Down runs in as the referee is admonishing the Brothers O’Connor for their tactics, but he quickly begins to push Shut Down back to his corner. Sean with a right hand to Freak’s temple, Seamus with a boot in his throat cutting off his air supply. Over in their corner, Shut Down is arguing fiercely with the referee pointing out the double team. Sean slides into the ring as Seamus slides out of the match, but the double team continues uncontested. Sean begins with a rapid firing series of quick jabs to Freak’s throat, he works his way down his midsection with the punches. Shut Down has had enough and comes charging over splashing Sean in the corner as Freak slides down to the canvas in a seated position.
BILL HEWSON: Shut Down finally gets tired of all the shananagans.
JACK JONES: Whatever do you mean?
Shut Down with one of his hands forcefully removes Seamus from the apron with a punch before he drags Freak over to his corner to tag him into the match. Freak leans over, Shut Down is in the match. He lifts Sean up, tosses him like a rag doll into the corner where he falls like a limp rag doll. Shut Down calmly walks over where Sean is struggling back up to his feet, Shut Down with his right hand around Sean’s throat, he lifts him up again as he punches him in the face with his left. Sean’s head is wobbling on his neck, but here comes Seamus into the ring, Freak with a spear takes him through the ropes to the outside leaving Sean alon in the ring with a monster. Shut Down throws Sean onto his shoulders before lifting him in a gorilla press slam, he dumps him on the mat. Shut Down hits the ropes, Hogan-esque style leg drop and a cover. Shut Down only gets two as Seamus pulls Morgan Smythe out of the ring. Seamus immediately begins yelling at Freak that he isn’t supposed to be messing with the referee. He leans over apologizing to Morgan Smythe, who isn’t buying a word of his apology, before he launches himself at Freak.
JACK JONES: Seamus doing the right thing there in taking up for Ms. Smythe.
BILL HEWSON: I can’t believe you.
JACK JONES: Don’t worry, all of me is true.
Shut Down is manhandling Sean inside the ring as he picks him up with his left hand as he places right fists into his Irish face, the crowd counts along with each punch. Seamus with a spinning roundhouse takes Freak off of his feet, Seamus slides into the ring. Shoulderblock to the back of Shut Down’s knees, he drops Sean on the canvas. Shut Down turns around, laughing, as Seamus waves his hands in apology towards Shut Down. The big man leans over, Sean with a kick between his legs and the big man felt that, but Morgan Smythe saw it as well. Referee Smythe rushes over yelling at Sean for the low blow and tells him that tactics like that will not be tolerated in this match that she is officiating, Sean shrugs his shoulders as Shut Down is getting back up, he is laughing.
JACK JONES: How is he laughing after that misplaced kick?
BILL HEWSON: He meant to kick him there.
JACK JONES: He was clearly aiming for Shut Down’s right buttock cheek.
The Freak slides into the ring, going straight for Seamus in the corner, Shut Down charges over to Sean, who is all alone. Freak pounds a right fist into Seamus’ face before delivering a short running knee to the face. Shut Down is nearly upon Sean, who drops, sending Shut Down lumbering over the top rope. Sean laughs as he points to his temple, he smirks at Shut Down. Freak comes rushing over as the match turns into an uncontrolled melee. Freak with a knee into the small of Sean’s back nearly sends him over the top, Sean spins around quickly Freak with an arm drag takes him down. Seamus flies from the top turnbuckle with an elbow drop on the back of Freak’s skull. Morgan Smythe rushes over, pushing Seamus out of the ring, but he is insisting he is the legal man. Sean smiles over at Freak before lifting the Rebel Pro wrestler up to his feet, whipping him into the ropes. Freak with a reversal, but Sean springs from the middle rope with a back fist into Freak’s mouth. Sean drops down, sweeping Freak’s legs out fromunder him. Sean in the ropes, springboard back flip lands him on Freak for the cover.
BILL HEWSON: Here we go.
JACK JONES: And Brothers O’Connor with the win!
BILL HEWSON: There is only a one count Jack.
But there is another slap of the canvas, but Freak manages to throw a shoulder up into the air. Sean is upset at what he feels is an ‘obvious’ slow count. He asks Morgan Smythe about it. Her back is to Freak as Seamus walks into the match, he whips Freak at the referee before sliding back out of the ring. Freak crashes into Morgan sending her into the waiting and protective arms of Sean O’Connor. He gently props her in the corner as he turns to face Freak, but the bell rings. Morgan Smythe is calling for the bell, she is not about to be bullied by these wrestlers.
DING! DING! DING!
JACK JONES: I can’t believe The Freak would do something like that, how cavemanish.
BILL HEWSON: Shut Down isn’t happy about the call as he is arguing with Morgan inside the ring.
The crowd is booing loudly as Seamus and Sean are vic… the crowd begins to cheer wildly, but it isn’t for Brothers O’Connor. Macculloch and Demo-man have come from the back, wearing the NAPW Tag Team Championship belts on their waists.
DEMO-MAN: Hold it there honey, you didn’t get the full story just yet.
Macculloch nods as he takes the microphone.
MACCULLOCH: Hold on there Frank, don’t announce that just yet.
Seamus and Sean are in between The TDA and The Freak Show, no place to go, no where to disappear, Macculloch and Demo-man are loving their predicament.
DEMO-MAN: You see Morgan, that little pipsqueak right there.
MACCULLOCH: Or right there, you know you just can’t tell them apart.
DEMO-MAN: Well, we was watching the match, one of them there switched places with the other one early in the match.
MACCULLOCH: Then to top it off, one of them whipped Freak into you as they are trying to get the disqualification win.
DEMO-MAN: A cheap win, but then again, it is the only win they know how to get.
Seamus and Sean can’t believe it, the crowd continues to boo as they shake their heads in denial.
DEMO-MAN: So, do what you want with the ending of the match, we just wanted justice to be done.
Morgan Smythe leans up from Frank’s ear as he nods.
FRANK WARBURTON: Winners of the match as a result of a disqualification…
Seamus and Sean are smiling at their triumph.
FRANK WARBURTON: The Freak and Shut Down… The Freak Show!
Seamus and Sean’s chins drop at the announcement, they can’t believe it.
BILL HEWSON: Justice has been done.
JACK JONES: The lies! But you just wait TDA, the Brothers O’connor are far from finished with you.
Mac and Demo wave bye to Seamus and Sean, they nod to The Freak and Shut Down, before they make their way backstage once again.
Go Shimizu is already in the ring, waiting to make his NAPW debut.
“Guess who’s back?”
Hit it.
“They say I’m COCKY!
And I say WHAT?
It ain’t braggin’ mother(BLEEP) if ya back it up!”
The crowd pops huge for “THE SHOW” CHAD KURTIS!”
FRANK WARBURTON: The following match is set for one fall! Introducing first from Paducah Kentucky… “THE SHOW” CHAD KURTIS! And his opponent, already in the ring, GO SHIMIZU!
BILL HEWSON: Something of a “warm-up” match for Kurtis here tonight, as next week he will face Lloyd Rees to determine the #1 Contender to the World Championship!
JACK JONES: How exactly is this ‘fair?’ Kurtis wrestles some debuting scrub, while Rees has to take on Donovan Astros later tonight? I mean sure, Astros is a shell of the man he once was, but he’s better than Go Shiatsu.
BILL HEWSON: Shimizu.
JACK JONES: Whatever.
Referee Anthony Uruburu calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Tie-up, Shimizu whips “The Show” to the ropes, Chad ducks the clothesline and springboards off with the SHOWTIME DDT! Kurtis nails Shimizu! The man gets to his feet, TOEKICK!
CK FINALE!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, “THE SHOW” CHAD KURTIS!
JACK JONES: Welcome to NAPW, Go Shitaake… there’s the door.
BILL HEWSON: It’s about winning in our promotion, and a performance like that in a debut may just cost a wrestler his job — in this case, Go Shimizu. “The Show” Chad Kurtis looks in prime condition for the #1 contender’s match at ANNIVERSARY ASSAULT THE FOURTH!
Kurtis asks Frank for the microphone.
JACK JONES: Oh no, he’s going to talk.
CHAD KURTIS: I have heard of speed dating but speed wrestling? Wow! What a match!. But this wasn’t just ‘The Show’ flexing his muscles against some newcomer. This was ‘The Show’ sending a message to my opponent next week. None other then the so-called ‘wrasslin’ messiah’ himself, Lloyd Rees.
Rees I hope you was paying close attention to this match. Not that I am going to even trying to kid myself about the Lemondrop Kid being such an easy match. But what I hope Rees did take note about in this match is my hunger and motivitation. I know, I know, Rees thinks I am just a wannabe but next Rees is going to find out I ain’t a wannabe at all. He is going to find out that I am ‘The True PTPer’, ‘The Innovator of Offense’, ‘The Last Action Hero’, ‘The THENNOWNEXT’! Lemondrop next week I am going to use you as the next step to finally capture my holy grail, the NAPW world championship! I know you claim to be the messiah of professional wrestling but I am going to reveal you as what you truly are a false prophet!
Rees in two weeks at Anniversary Assault I am going to reveal to everyone the truth that you ain’t no messiah at all. I am going to reveal that you are nothing but an has-been trying to hang on to the spotlight. And the best part of it is I am going use my victory over you to propel me to a title match where I am finally going to be crowned NAPW world champion! But even better is despite your best efforts there is nothing and I mean NOTHING that you can do about it!
“The Show” drops the mic to the mat before doing as baseball slide out of the ring and making his way to the locker room as “Cocky” plays once again.
BILL HEWSON: You heard it, folks — “THE SHOW” is determined to finally win the NAPW World Championship in 2009! And he is gunning for Lloyd Rees in two weeks at Annivesary Assault!
JACK JONES: And that’s when the body was found.
BILL HEWSON: …
JACK JONES: Who would do that to a poor, defenseless Teddy Ruxpin?
BILL HEWSON: I have not the words, Jack Attack.
Take it away, Frank!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, before the next match gets underway, I have an announcement to read.
Frank pulls a small piece of paper out of his pocket and reads from it.
FRANK WARBURTON: Total Destruction Alliance would like to announce that there will be a special musical performance just before the start of this match, and they request that Blood Harvest be present to witness their, erm, “superior showmanship.”
The crowd boos, and Frank shrugs his shoulders, as if to say, “Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this crap.”
FRANK WARBURTON: So, that being said…the following match is a non-title tag team competition, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, led to the ring by Roger and Chaz, at a combined weight of three hundred and ninety five pounds… JAMES “DEADPOOL” BLACKPOOL and DANIEL “THRILL KILL” KILLROY… BLOOD HARVEST!!!
And the four members of Blood Harvest begin a Victorious March to the ring, polishing off a few brews on the way down. Roger is manning the Blood Gun, soaking everyone within range. Killroy beckons to some guys in the front row to throw them up some folding chairs, so that they can watch the show in style; they don’t give them up easily, but eventually he carries four chairs to the ring. As Blood Harvest take their places in the ring, Daniel and start setting up their chairs, Frank takes the microphone.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents. At a total combined weight of five-hundred and one pounds, they are the current NAPW Tag Team Champions. Please welcome the team of DEMO-MAN and MACCULLOCH…the TOTAL DESTRUCTION ALLIANCE!
The lights go low. Two spotlights shine on the curtain. And then…the music.
“I’m
Too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love’s going to leave me”
BLAM! Drum fill!
BLAM! Smoke machine!
BLAM! SPARKLES!
And MacCulloch and Demo-Man come out, wiggling their asses and lip synching along to the music.
JACK JONES: This is DISGUSTING!
They are, of course, followed by a half-dozen sexy models, who are cooing and shimmying along right behind them.
JACK JONES: This is WONDERFUL!
The two men are playing their new Tag Team Title belts like air guitars, and the crowd, well, the crowd is loving it like a freakin’ fruit salad. Blood Harvest? Uh, not so much. They have thrown the chairs over the ropes and are raring to go. Thrill Kill and DeadPool are raring to go, but TDA haven’t quite milked the gimmick enough yet, and they start dancing AROUND the ring. Also, the models pull out bottles of liquor. And TDA start doing body shots.
BILL HEWSON: This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Total Destruction Alliance tonight, Jack Attack. Earlier in the show they helped Freak Show get a win over the Brothers O’Connor.
JACK JONES: Stop trying to make this about wrestling, Hewson. BODY SHOTS!
BILL HEWSON: Forgive me for trying to stay professional.
JACK JONES: I don’t know if I can.
Finally, the chaos ends, and TDA and the two wrestling members of Blood Harvest are in the ring. Uruburu checks the belts, takes them away, and then DING DING DING! The match has begun. DeadPool rushes MacCulloch, but he was ready for him, and he sidesteps the Blood Harvest member, who tumbles into the ropes and rebounds back into a neckbreaker. Quickly MacCulloch rushes the ropes himself, and comes down on Deadpool HARD with a Mac Attack! DeadPool is clutching his stomach after taking that lionsault, and as MacCulloch tags in to Demo-Man, Deadpool tries crawling over to his corner of the ring for a tag. Demo-Man is too quick for him, though, and grabs the metalhead’s leg and drags him back to the center of the ring.
Deadpool kicks back at Demo-Man, though, and gets free, then gets to his feet, charging his opponent. Maybe not the best move for a guy who seconds earlier was trying to tag, but when the blood gets up stupid things tend to happen. Speaking of things happening: Demo-Man stumbles back, then bounces off the ropes and grabs Deadpool around the waist–Atomic Drop! Demo-Man goes for a quick pin, one, two, broken up by a boot to the head by Thrill Kill, who scrambles back to his corner quick as a bunny. Demo-Man, rubbing the back of his head, starts yelling at ThrillKill to stick to his corner or else he’ll break his arm off and shove it–
LOW BLOW! Demo-Man is mercifully cut off due to a cheap shot by Deadpool from behind. MacCulloch, having seen enough of this, runs in to help his partner, but the referee sees him come in and starts directing him back to his own corner. MacCulloch protests, but it’s not helping his case. Meanwhile, Thrill Kill has once again come out from his own corner, and puts his foot down on Demo-Man’s neck while Deadpool kicks him in the stomach. Demo-Man thrashes around and eventually rolls away from the boot choke, and as the referee turns around Thrill Kill runs back to his corner while Deadpool makes a cover.
One!
Two!
Kick-out!
Chaz and Roger groan on the outside, while Deadpool starts screaming bloody murder at the referee. Deadpool then kicks Demo-Man in the back of the head again, and stumbles over to tag in his partner. Thrill Kill tries stating his case to the ref, no more eloquently, and then turns his attention to Demo-Man.
TOO LATE!
Demo-Man is up on his feet and fires off a hard right hand to Thrill Kill, who stumbles back towards the far corner, on top of the referee! The referee looking a little dazed but none the worse for wear, gently pushes Thrill Kill off him.
JUST IN TIME FOR A DEMO-DEMOLISHER!
BILL HEWSON: Watch out!
JACK JONES: Uruburu is down, I repeat, an Uruburu is down!
Bad timing for the referee who drops like a sack of hammers, and Thrill Kill scrambles to make a tag to Deadpool as Demo-Man tries to rouse the referee. Both Blood Harvest members go over and pull Demo-Man up, one on each arm, and try going for a double head-butt, but Demo-Man reverses! DOUBLE DDT! Both Blood Harvest members are rolling out on the ground, and Demo-Man makes a tag to MacCulloch!
HOUSE O’FIRE!
MacCulloch tackles Thrill Kill while Demo-Man clashes with Deadpool! MacCulloch with the Steel City Stunner! Demo-Man with ANOTHER Demo-Demolisher! Demo goes over to the referee and tries to revive him, while MacCulloch makes the cover. The crowd makes the count the referee can’t!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Demo-Man is still trying to rouse the referee, but nothing doing! MacCulloch holds the pin!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SCREEEEAAAAM!
The crowd starts shouting incomprehensibly, and both MacCulloch and Demo-Man look up from what they were doing…
JACK JONES: It’s The Brothers O’Connor!
Yes, Jack, it IS the Brothers O’Connor, quick as lightning out from backstage and each with a chair from Blood Harvest’s pile outside the ring! Before Mac and Demo know what’s hit them —
CLANG! CLANG!
Two vicious chair shots, one for each member of TDA! The BOC slide out of the ring, quickly as they came in, tossing the chairs down and sprinting to the locker room. All four men are LAID OUT in the middle of the ring, and Chaz looks at Roger, a gleam in his eye. Chaz points into the ring, then back at Roger; he shoves him towards the ring.
BILL HEWSON: What are they doing?
JACK JONES: I don’t know, Hewson, but whatever it is, I like it!
BILL HEWSON: Why do I have no problem believing that?
Roger climbs into the ring and SHOVES MacCulloch and a nearly-comatose Thrill Kill out of the ring, then goes over and shakes the referee awake. The referee gets up, dazed, and looks at Roger, then sees Demo-Man lying flat on his back in the middle of the ring.
BILL HEWSON: You’ve got the WRONG GUY, ref! We saw something like this earlier, come on!
JACK JONES: How can you tell? They all look alike, Hewson. Besides, that’s clearly Deadpool with the cover.
BILL HEWSON: How can you tell that if they all look alike?
JACK JONES: I know it in my heart.
The crowd is BOOING LIKE CRAZY, but Roger goes for the pin!
One!
Two!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: And heeeere are your winners, Thrill Kill and Deadpool…BLOOD HARVEST!
Roger jumps up and down like a maniac, then quickly hustles out of the ring and up the aisle with Chaz, each of them holding a man up over his shoulder. MacCulloch gets up, dazed, unsure as to how he got out of the ring, and starts looking around, confused and angry.
JACK JONES: Talk about just desserts! TDA just haaaad to get involved in a match that didn’t involve them earlier. Now their ice cream cake is all melty!
BILL HEWSON: And with that…that FLUKE win over TDA, Blood Harvest have pinned the NAPW Tag Team Champions! That has to put them in position for a future Tag Title shot! The band better send a big thank-you card to the BOC, however.
JACK JONES: Ain’t life grand?
JACK JONES: … and that’s how I learnt to never ask a transgender prostitute “How many licks does it take to get to the candy center of a Tootsie Pop?”
BILL HEWSON: I never want you repeat that story again. EVER!
JACK JONES: Well then you shouldn’t have asked.
BILL HEWSON: I didn’t ask you depraved… Never mind, let’s just go over to Frank in the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and Gentlemen, the next contest is scheduled for one fall and will be contested under “Pure Honour” rules.
“Love And War” by Drowning Pool comes blaring over the P.A. as Taboo emerges from the back looking more focused than anyone can remember seeing him.
BILL HEWSON: Taboo looks like he means business here tonight. He has been waiting for this match for a long time.
JACK JONES: Hey now. It’s not Hostile’s fault that Taboo just wasn’t ready for the world title. Hostile was just doing what he could to stop another David Arquette from happening.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, from Boulder, Colorado and weighing in at two-hundred sixty-six pounds, TABOO!
“Lipless” by Fear of City hits the speakers as Hostile emerges from behind the curtain to a chorus of boos and jeers.
JACK JONES: Now there’s a man who means business. That man will single handedly save this promotion.
BILL HEWSON: With men like Taboo around, I don’t think this promotion needs saving.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, hailing from Jersey City, New Jersey, weighing in at two hundred thirty pounds, “The Jersey Demon” HOSTILE!
Hostile climbs into the ring and goes nose to nose with Taboo. Danny Chaos separates the two before going over the rules for both combatants. Chaos calls for the bell and both men once again go nose to nose before Hostile nails Taboo with a violent slap across the face. Taboo charges at Hostile and is met with an arm drag. Hostile holds on to the arm and goes for an armbar but Taboo rolls out of it before it’s locked in. Hostile looks down at Taboo with a smirk as Taboo gets back to his feet. Again they meet in the center of the ring. Hostile with another vicious slap to the face of Taboo, who answers with a shove to Hostile. Hostile with another slap and Taboo has had enough. He winds back and delivers a huge right to the jaw of Hostile. Chaos admonishes Taboo for the illegal blow and warns him that if it happens again he will be penalized.
JACK JONES: Look at that. Not even two minutes into the match and Taboo has to resort to cheating.
BILL HEWSON: Taboo is going to have to keep his temper in check or risk disqualification.
Hostile smiles sardonically as he rubs his jaw. Taboo collects himself then moves in for a collar and elbow tie up… Hostile with a knee to Taboo’s gut followed by a stiff European uppercut that sends Taboo reeling back. Hostile moves in with a several forearm shots to Taboo’s jaw and follows up with an Irish Whip. Taboo ducks the clothesline attempt, hits the ropes again and connects with a Lou Thiez Press followed by a vicious barrage of headbutts. Hostile manages to trap Taboo’s arm for another armbar attempt to stop the headbutts, Taboo however is able to power out of the hold. Both men get to their feet and Hostile once again connects with a violent slap across the face. Taboo rushes Hostile who hits a picture perfect drop toe hold that sends Taboo face first to the canvas. Taboo makes it to his feet and receives yet another slap to the face. Taboo has had enough of this and fires back with a sadistic haymaker that sends Hostile down hard. Chaos steps in and strips Taboo of a rope break for his second violation of the closed fist rule.
FRANK WARBURTON: For using his second closed fist, Taboo has been charged one rope break!
Taboo admonishes himself for letting Hostile goad him into losing control. Hostile back on his feet, into a collar and elbow tie up… he forces Taboo into the corner… a knee to the gut of Taboo followed by a knife edged chop that could be heard throughout Ogden hall. Taboo grabs Hostile, spins him into the corner and delivers a chop of his own. A spin around by Hostile sends Taboo back into the corner… another knife edged chop, followed by one from Taboo. Hostile with one, Taboo hits another, forearm by Hostile, European uppercut by Taboo. Back and forth these two strike each other, neither one giving an inch. Hostile goes for a kick to the midsection… caught by Taboo who follows up with a short lariat and Hostile rolls to the outside. Taboo follows him to the floor and Hostile connects with a lariat of his own. Chaos stars his count as Hostile lifts Taboo to his feet.
One…
Two…
BILL HEWSON: It was only a matter of time before these two ended up on the floor. So much bad blood here… just waiting to be spilled!
JACK JONES: Well it just goes to show Taboo is not thinking straight. Hostile is far more at home on the outside than he is.
Three…
Hostile whips Taboo into the guard rail…
Four…
Hostile charges Taboo…
Taboo ducks behind him and lands a brutal German Suplex.
Five…
Taboo hoists Hostile to his feet and sets him up for a piledriver. Hostile blocks and sends Taboo over the rail with a back body drop. Hostile going over the rail after Taboo…
Six…
Seven…
Hostile begins to pull Taboo head first over the rail…
Eight…
Nine…
Ten…
ELEVATED IMPLANT DDT!
BILL HEWSON: OH MY GOD!! Hostile is trying to end Taboo’s career here tonight.
JACK JONES: What else would you expect from a man who calls himself “The Jersey Demon”?
Eleven…
Twelve…
Hostile heads back into the ring to wait for the count, it’s pretty much academic at this point.
Thirteen…
Fourteen…
Fifteen…
Taboo is starting to stir.
Sixteen…
BILL HEWSON: Taboo’s on the move, can he make it back in time?
JACK JONES: Not a chance. Just ring the bell, Hostile has taken Taboo out… this time for good.
Seventeen…
Eighteen…
Taboo at the apron…
Nineteen…
Taboo crawls into the ring just as Chaos counts to twenty. Hostile runs in with a devastating punt to the head. A cover by Hostile.
One…
Two…
Three…
No. Taboo got his foot on the ropes just in time.
FRANK WARBURTON: Taboo has used his second rope break!
Hostile is livid. He gets in Chaos’ face but Danny Chaos will not back down. Hostile turns his attention back to Taboo, who has propped himself up in the corner. Hostile runs in for the Psych Major… Taboo rolls out of the way, causing Hostile to groin himself on the ropes. Taboo moves in… Big Bang Theory! Taboo covers.
One…
Two…
Three…
No! Hostile this time with his foot on the bottom rope, using his first rope break of the match.
FRANK WARBURTON: Hostile has utilized his first rope break!
BILL HEWSON: Hostile down to two rope breaks, Taboo with only one left, and neither one of these two have any quit in them at all. What a match we are seeing here tonight.
JACK JONES: These men hate each other as much as I’ve ever seen two people hate. That always makes for a five star caliber match.
Taboo lifts Hostile to his feet… Belly to Belly Suplex with authority. Hostile isn’t moving and Taboo isn’t relenting as he presses his advantage with a Dead Weight German Suplex. Taboo again is quick to capitalize as he locks in a Camel Clutch. Hostile is gritting his teeth against the pain but does not make a sound. Hostile trying get his arms free from over TabooÔs leg to alleviate the pressure on his back. Chaos is checking on Hostile, making sure he wants to continue but Hostile is not ready to tap out yet. Hostile manages to free an arm…
JACK JONES: Look at the determination of Hostile; he’s dragging himself with one arm towards the ropes. Now that is a competitor we can be proud of. Unlike Taboo, who is likely lose the World Title to Bruce Campbell should he ever win it.
BILL HEWSON: Hostile’s grit and fortitude is undoubtedly impressive but come on, Bruce Campbell?
JACK JONES: I’m just saying.
Hostile reaches… and finally makes it to the rope to force Taboo to break the hold.
FRANK WARBURTON: Hostile has used his second rope break!
Both men now down to their last rope break. Hostile pulls himself up with the ropes… Taboo with a rear waist lock followed up with a German Suplex… Taboo rolls with it and lands another suplex…
JACK JONES: He can’t do that! That move is trademarked by Hostile!
BILL HEWSON: Oh come on, you can’t actually trademark a wrestling maneuver.
Taboo goes for a third… Hostile blocks… A series of elbows to the head of Taboo breaks the hold. Hostile turns to face Taboo… Taboo with a single leg take down and into a headlock. Hostile fights his way to a vertical base. Back Suplex from Hostile. Both men down but Taboo his faster to his feet. Taboo whips Hostile against the ropes and goes for a back body drop…
Implant DDT from Hostile!
Taboo isn’t moving, Hostile is slow getting to his feet. Hostile goes to apply The Demon’s Dream. He gets it locked in and Chaos moves into check if Taboo is ready to submit. Taboo pulling himself to the ropes… Hostile flips over to bring Taboo back to the center of the ring. Taboo is fading fast but refuses to tap out. Hostile applies more pressure and Taboo stops moving. Chaos lifts the arm of Taboo and lets it drop.
One…
Chaos does it a second time.
Two…
One more time.
Three…
No, Taboo keeps it up. Again he tries to pull himself to the ropes. Hostile is holding on for all he can as Taboo inches closer to the ropes…
and makes it to the bottom rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: Taboo has used his third and final rope break, the ropes are now in play!
BILL HEWSON: This is bad news for Taboo, he can no longer use the ropes to break a pinfall or submission! But Hostile first has to break THIS hold before that can start!
Hostile refuses to release the hold however. Chaos starts his five count and gets to four before Hostile lets go of Taboo. Hostile to his feet and lifts Taboo for a German Suplex… Hostile holds on for another one… One more and Hostile shows Taboo how to do the triple Germans. Hostile to the top rope… He leaps for the New Jersey Head Shot… Taboo rolls out of the way! Hostile is hurt but Taboo is unable to capitalize. Both men get to their feet, Hostile with a chop to the chest of Taboo who responds in kind with a chop of his own. Back and forth these two men exchange blows. Taboo ducks under a short arm clothesline and hits Hostile with an exploder suplex! COVER!
One…
Two…
Thre… No, kick out by Hostile!
Taboo is looking frustrated but keeps his emotions in check. He is determined not to have this match end in a disqualification. Taboo grabs the leg of Hostile… Figure Four Leglock is applied. Hostile grunts in pain as the powerful legs of Taboo apply an unbearable amount of pain to Hostile’s legs. Hostile tries to reverse the hold but can’t seem to flip Taboo over. Hostile reaches for the ropes but they’re just out of reach. Hostile inches himself over… He gets his hand on the bottom rope and now both men are out of rope breaks.
FRANK WARBURTON: Hostile has used his final rope break! The ropes are in play for both competitors!
BILL HEWSON: Taboo and Hostile are leaving it all in the ring here tonight, Jack Attack!
JACK JONES: I don’t want Taboo to leave anything in the ring, that filthy — HEY!
BILL HEWSON: TABOO SQUEEZE! “The Suplex Automaton” is trying to squeeze Hostile out!
Taboo pulls Hostile to his feet… TABOO SQUEEZE! Hostile screams in pain and grabs at the ropes but has used up all of his rope breaks. Hostile his fading fast but will not tap out. Hostile goes limp as Taboo squeezes the life out of him. Chaos lifts the arm.
One…
He lifts the arm again.
Two…
One last time…
Three…
No, Hostile is still in this as he shoots is arm up at the last moment. Hostile is powering out of the submission hold — but Taboo lands a T-Bone suplex before Hostile can break the hold!
BILL HEWSON: Taboo — like a pitbull! He’s waited months for this moment, months of Hostile attacking him, costing him matches, he will not be denied!
Taboo locks in the Taboo Squeeze again. Hostile tries to fight out of the hold, getting in the ropes… but it’s futile. Once again he goes limp and Chaos lifts the arm.
One…
Hostile twitches but not enough for Chaos to stop the count.
Two…
Taboo is squeezing as hard as he can in his attempt to keep Hostile down.
Three.
Ding, Ding, Ding. It’s over.
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is your winner by way of submission, Taboooooooo!
The crowd explodes as an exhausted Taboo releases the hold, Hostile slumping to the canvas. Chaos raises the masked man’s arm in victory!
BILL HEWSON: Hostile never tapped out, give him credit, in this epic war… but it is Taboo who at long last gains a measure of revenge on The Jersey Demon!
JACK JONES: I can’t believe it! Taboo… a winner?
BILL HEWSON: A HUGE win heading into his World Title match at Anniversary Assault The Fourth in two weeks! We haven’t seen the last of Hostile, but right now the story is “The Boulder from Boulder,” the man Taboo, poised to become NAPW World Champion. And we will find out later tonight just who he will be challenging!
Hostile has come to, and walks to the back. His face is expressionless. What is next for him?
For Taboo, in the ring, one of his single biggest victories of his NAPW tenure has been achieved. Could he beat the odds and win the world title in two weeks?
JACK JONES: So the officer told me, “Sorry, Jack, but I’ve got to take you in. You’re too drunk to drive home.”
BILL HEWSON: You? Drunk? A shocker…
JACK JONES: Hold on a sec, Bill. I asked him, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” He said, “Yeah, Jack, you’re too far gone.” So I told him, “Ah, thank God… and here I was worried that I was crippled!”
BILL HEWSON: Classy, Jack. Classy…
JACK JONES: When Frank gets back here, I’ll have him explain his Buffalo Theory…
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first…
The Black Keys’ instrumental version of “When the Lights Go Out” seeps out of the PA system as a cloaked Lloyd Rees stalks his way down the aisle. The boos rain down upon him, but he doesn’t seem to notice, instead being transfixed on the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: From Wabana, Bell Island, Newfoundland, weighing in at two hundred and forty seven pounds… “THE WRESTLING MESSIAH” LLOYD REES!
Rees steps through the ropes and walks to his corner, hanging his head as if in prayer. The music dies out only to be replaced by the percussive intro that can only be Audioslave’s “Cochise”. As the main riff kicks in, “The Greatest Wrestler on God’s Green Earth” bursts through the curtain to an explosive ovation. Donovan Astros works at riling up the crowd as he makes his way down to the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: His opponent… from Los Angeles, California, weighing in at two hundred and forty one pounds… DONOVAN ASTROS!
Astros slides in and takes his corner, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a hyperactive boxer.
BILL HEWSON: This should be interesting, folks. Both men are coming off of huge wins, Lloyd Rees over former Heritage Champion Steve Parker, and Donovan Astros defeating Ravager in what we thought was Ravager’s last match.
JACK JONES: Boy, did Kenny Krenshov prove him wrong!
BILL HEWSON: Either way, both men here have a lot of momentum and are looking to claim a title here soon. What happens here in the ring with this match will change the future of New Alberta Pro Wrestling, for sure.
Referee John Sharplin checks over both men, and then calls for the bell. Rees and Astros circle each other a couple of times before colliding head-on into a collar-and-elbow tie up. Rees gets the early advantage with an arm wrench, trying to twist Astros’ shoulder out of socket. Astros attempts to spin out of and smack Rees with a back elbow, but Rees catches it, spins Astros to him, and cinch him up in a front face lock. “The Technical Terror” tightens the hold up, but Donovan Astros reassures the ref that he is far from quitting. Astros manages to get his hand on one of Rees’ wrists and twists out of the hold into a hammerlock. Rees yelps in pain, but tries to fire elbows of his own behind him at Astros’ head. This time, it is Donovan Astros who catches the strike, spins Rees, and locks his arms into a butterfly hold. Overhead Butterfly Suplex! A quick pin attempt…
One…
Rees kicks out with authority. Both are quickly to their feet, and Rees blindsides Astros with a headlock. Astros tries to back suplex his way out, but Rees flips to his feet, grabs a handful of hair, pulls Astros back, and lays him out with a DDT From the Green! Now Rees covers…
One…
Two… before Referee Sharplin gets his hand off of the mat, Astros furiously shoves Rees off.
BILL HEWSON: Neither man giving an inch here tonight.
JACK JONES: And they’ve only just begun.
As both men stand, they charge back in and lock up into another collar-and-elbow tie up, this time more aggressive than tactical. They hit the ropes and continue to circle, nearly falling out of the ring in the process. Finally, Rees is able to subdue Astros into a corner, breaks the tie up, and begins to pummel Astros with fists. Irish whip to the opposite corner, with Rees just steps behind Astros. Astros lands… corner lariat from Rees! Donovan Astros stumbles away from the turnbuckle, and Rees comes up behind and wraps his arms around his victim in a waistlock at about the middle of the ring. German Suplex… but Astros lands on his feet! Rees is blissfully unaware as Astros swoops in from behind… Aztecan Suplex!
One…
Two…
Kickout!
BILL HEWSON: Wow, so close!
JACK JONES: Rees lest his guard down, but trust me, that doesn’t happen very often, so Astros better cherish this moment!
Astros picks Rees up to his feet and chops away at his rival’s chest. The crowd gives the all too familiar response…
CHOP!
“WHOOO!”
CHOP!
“WHOOO!”
Rees falls into the ropes, and Astros begins to tee off on the Wrestling Messiah’s skull with fists. Donovan Astros runs to the opposite ropes, aiming to fire off a big blow when…
Low bridge!
Lloyd Rees ducks and pulls down the top rope, sending Astros tumbling to the outside. A dazed Astros pulls himself to his feet cursing, and before his tirade gets too R-rated, Rees surprises him with a Springboard Corkscrew! Rees is to his feet, greeted by boos. To show how much he cares for how the fans feel, he gives Astros a couple of stomps. The ref begins to count, but doesn’t get very far before Rees tosses his opponent in and follows him. Astros tries to stand, but Rees brings down more stomps. Almost as if the idea just came to him, Rees runs down to his fallen foe’s feet and intertwines them, turning Astros over into the Lance Cove Leglock! Astros struggles, but starts to wear down slowly. John Sharplin checks in with the former commissioner to see if he gives up. Astros summons the strength to scream out an expletive-laden negative response and begins crawling to the ropes, dragging Rees with him.
Inching… inching… Astros grabs the bottom rope!
JACK JONES: Gah, I can’t believe it! Rees had him!
BILL HEWSON: Astros summons up the strength to break free from the Lance Cove Leglock!
Astros doesn’t get a chance to recover before Rees begins stomping him again. Rees grabs more hair again and pulls Astros to his feet. To the corner they go, as Rees puts Astros in a suplex position. Rees lifts and drops Astros over the top turnbuckle. Rees climbs up after him and brings his victim to his feet. Another suplex position is being set up…
BILL HEWSON: Uh-oh, could we be seeing the Wabana Buster?
JACK JONES: What do YOU think, Susan St. James?
Rees tries to lift, but Astros resists! Another lift attempt, but Astros deadweights again! Astros starts throwing rights into Rees’ ribcage. Rees finally buckles, and Astros gets a front face lock… Astrolabe from the top rope!
BILL HEWSON: Oh my God, a Super Astrolabe!
JACK JONES: Disqualify him, ref!
Astros crawls to Rees and slings his arm over for the cover…
One…
Two…
Thr— Shoulder up!
Astros pulls himself to his feet and pounces on a downed Rees, tying him up in an Astrolock! Rees screams out and tries desperately to scoot to the ropes, but to no avail! Boos ripple through the audience, starting at the entrance way. Astros looks in the direction of the aisle and releases the lock. The Brothers O’Connor are making their presence known, standing just shy of ringside.
BILL HEWSON: Aww, now what are THEY doing here?
JACK JONES: They’re just protecting their Messiah. With all of the interference tonight, they want to make sure ol’ Donnie Astros doesn’t have a dirty trick up his sleeve.
Astros leans over the top rope and beckons the brothers to take their shot. The BOC make no moves, but that doesn’t stop Astros exactly what he thinks of them. In mid-sentence, his words are choked off, as Rees has recovered and pulled Astros to the mat into the Conception Bay Chinlock! Astros kicks and flails, swinging blindly and desperately for anything he can do to break the hold. Finally, his foot connects with the bottom rope, and John Sharplin calls for the break. Rees resists releasing the hold, and the ref counts.
One… two… three… four…
Rees lets go and jumps to his feet, immediately arguing with the man in the striped shirt. After Sharplin reassure Rees that the break was legal, Rees goes back to his downed opponent and begins to slowly lift him.
Astros, however, has better ideas.
Donovan Astros hits a shot to the gut, knocking the wind from Rees’ chest. He hooks a front face-lock and looks out on the crowd. The buzz escalates, for they all know what’s coming next.
JACK JONES: No! Not the Slingshot Effect!
Astros pulls back… vertical suplex position… and Rees flips out of it onto the apron! Astros turns as Rees attempts a shoulder check to the gut… but Astros catches him! Astros pulls him out… Concussion Cannon!
One…
Two…
Three…
NO! FOOT ON THE ROPE!!!
Astros is incredulous. After making sure Sharplin saw what he did, he starts to hoist Rees to his feet. On the outside, the BOC take a few steps closer, causing the ref to warn them that they are getting too close. This provides Rees an opening to take advantage of a distracted John Sharplin, and he low blows Astros!
BILL HEWSON: What a cheap shot!
JACK JONES: Considering every liberty Donnie has taken up until now, it’s karma, baby!
The crowd protests as Astros buckles over, and Rees drags him to the center of the ring and into Powerbomb position. Rees hoists Astros up for the “Nish” J. Drop… crucifix position is extended…
And Donovan Astros starts to kick and flail.
Rees loses his grip, and Astros is free! As he falls, Astros hooks his calves into Rees’ armpit and rolls between the Wrestling Messiah’s legs. Sunset Flip pin!
One…
Two…
Three!
John Sharplin calls for the bell as Lloyd Rees tries to prove he had his shoulder up. Frank Warburton’s announcement makes it official.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… DONOVAN ASTROS!
The crowd is on their feet with joy, but the celebration is short-lived. Before his hand can be raised, Donovan Astros is attacked from behind by the Brothers O’Connor! Rees joins in on the assault and the three stomp Astros into oblivion.
BILL HEWSON: Why, those dirty rotten… I can’t even say it!
JACK JONES: Oh, don’t worry, I’ve got it covered…. The Church of Rees getting their revenge, teaching Astros what happens to cheaters!
BILL HEWSON: How is this fair? It’s a three-on-one assault!
The Brothers pick Astros up, and Rees measures his target… but cheers explode from the crowd! The three assailants turn just in time to see the TOTAL DESTRUCTION ALLIANCE show up to clean house! Before Demo-Man gets his big paws on Rees and Co., the trio duck out, leaving the three heroes alone in the ring as they make a hasty retreat up the aisle. Demo, MacCulloch, and Astros stand side-by-side, letting the Church of Rees know what’s going to come to them.
BILL HEWSON: It’s only a matter of time before we see these six men clash in a war to settle it all! Demo-Man, MacCulloch, and Donovan Astros against… wait, did I just say ‘Demo-Man, MacCulloch and Donovan Astros’ on the same side?
JACK JONES: Donnie and the TDA could never hold it together… And next show in Edmonton, the Brothers O’Connor will return the tag titles to to where they rightfully belong: around twin waists!
BILL HEWSON: Certainly nothing is settled here between Astros, TDA and the Church of Rees. However in two weeks in Edmonton, at Anniversary Assault, Lloyd Rees will meet “The Show” Chad Kurtis to determine the #1 Contender to the NAPW World Championship! Donovan Astros will meet the winner of tonight’s Canadian Heritage Title match in a championship bout, be that man Bruce Richards or Steve Parker! And the Brothers O’Connor get their rematch for the NAPW Tag Team titles against Total Destruction Alliance!
JACK JONES: But before we get that far, we still have three matches left… tonight!
-INTERMISSION-
Slayer’s “Seasons in the Abyss” blares, and the audience turns, as if on cue, to the entrance area and begins booing. The Outlaw emerges walking out slowly. He gives the capacity crowd nothing more than a passing glance and then turns his focus to back to the ring… Behind him, Jack Stantz and Townes Walker emerge from the curtain in tow… The Outlaw steps onto the apron and gets in the ring. Townes Walker moves over to a far corner of the ringside area, but Jack Stantz is joining Bill Hewson and Jack Jones at the announce table.
JACK JONES: Jack Stantz! Are we going to have the honor of your presence?
JACK STANTZ: Indeed you are… Free of charge, too!
BILL HEWSON: I somehow knew I was wrong when I thought it was a good idea to get up an come to work this morning…
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is for the NAPW World Championship… Introducing the challenger, weighing in at two-hundred and seventy-two pounds! From San Antonio Texas he is the number one contender… “The Original Legend,” THE OUTLAW!
The fans loudly boo The Outlaw, who pays them no mind… He stands in the ring, looking at the entranceway, waiting for Trent Daniels…
“Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast” begins, and the crowd gives a mixed reaction for the champion. Most dislike him, some were impressed by how he won the title last month… yet more liked his title win but were unimpressed with his performance in the next show’s tag match. Trent Daniels emerges from behind the curtain, the Championship fitted snugly to his waist. He and The Outlaw immediately lock eyes. As Daniels walks down to the ring the two never unlock glares. Before the ring, Daniels stops. He points at the belt around his waist, telling The Outlaw that there is no chance that he will be leaving with the belt tonight, but The Outlaw doesn’t answer. Daniels stands at ringside, still staring at the challenger.
JACK STANTZ: Go on, boy! There’s no anchor tied to your ass! Get in the ring!
Daniels rolls into the ring, unstrapping the belt from his waist. He hands it to the referee.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, weighing two-hundred and ten pounds! Fighting out of Ottawa, Ontario, he is the NAPW World Champion, TRENT DANIELS!
The referee brings both men to the center of the ring, telling them the general rules, and showing them the belt. Neither man is paying attention though… They only stare at one another, hatred in their eyes… The bell rings, and the mach is underway!
BILL HEWSON: Well, here we go, this one is for all the marbles!
JACK STANTZ: “All the marbles”? Did you go to primary school today, Bill? You see, that’s the difference between you and I… You think in marbles, I think in gold… This one is for the GOLD, Bill, the GOLD!
In the ring, neither man moves. They only stare. Finally, Trent pushes The Outlaw. The Outlaw takes a step backwards, almost insulted. He steps back into Trent pushing twice as hard as Trent pushed him. Trent stumbles backwards into the ropes, and rebounds at The Outlaw. The Outlaw throws a jab with his left hand, but Daniels blocks it. Daniels block disallows him to see the right hook The Outlaw is throwing. It connects hard with Daniels jaw.
JACK JONES: It’s the old “Southpaw switch”! Throw a left jab meant to be blocked to open up a huge right hook!
Daniels stumbles back into the ropes again, and The Outlaw charges, throwing a flurry of blows. Trent covers up for a second, trying to gather his bearings, and then begins fighting back with blows of his own. The Outlaw leans against Trent, pushing him into the ropes, and the two begin brawling like two MMA stars against the cage.
BILL HEWSON: Well, it didn’t take this one long to turn into a fight!
After a moment more of brawling, the referee steps in to pry to two apart. As the ref pushes The Outlaw away, Daniels throws a last punch, landing cheaply on The Outlaw… The Outlaw reaches to hook Daniels’ head, but he ducks it, laughing in the face of The Outlaw. The Outlaw backs out into the center of the ring, and waves Daniels to come out and meet him there. Daniels hesitates for a second, and then obliges. He moves towards The Outlaw, who rears to throw a punch, but Trent, thinking quickly hits The Outlaw with a kick to the stomach. The blow doubles The Outlaw over. Daniels backs up and bounces off the ropes, dropping a huge elbow to the back of the head of The Outlaw. The Outlaw falls down to his stomach on the mat.
JACK JONES: The Outlaw came out with blunt force, but Trent came out with some brainy finesse there!
JACK STANTZ: Brainy finesse? Whose side are you on here?
Daniels bends down, picking The Outlaw up to his feet by his head. He pushes The Outlaw into the ropes, and then whips him across the ring to the other side. As The Outlaw rebounds Daniels bends low, and sends The Outlaw flying high into the air with a back body drop. Daniels turns around, watching The Outlaw rolling around on the mat, laughing. The Outlaw rolls over onto his stomach, and puts his palms on the mat to get up, but Daniels is quick to drop an elbow drop across the back of “The West Texas Terror”. He jumps back up to his feet, looking out of the ring, taunting Townes Walker with an obscene hand gesture.
BILL HEWSON: The Outlaw started strong, but it seems as if though he has gone flat now…
JACK STANTZ: Shut up you! We have this entirely under control…
Daniels, back in the ring, picks The Outlaw up again, and pushes him back into the corer. He throws some blows to the body of The Outlaw, and then whips him into the opposite corner. Daniels charges The Outlaw, and lands a huge clothsline in the corner! Daniels steps back, pulling The Outlaw out of the corner by his hair. Daniels walks to the corner, and stands up on the second rope, facing the back of The Outlaw. He puts on a rear naked choke, and lifts The Outlaw up off the mat. The referee runs over screaming for the hold to be released. When the refs count gets to four, Daniels drops Outlaw’s feet to the canvas. He then picks The Outlaw back up again.
JACK JONES: Someone call my bookie and put 10 dollars on Trent Daniels…
JACK STANTZ: I’ll use that ten dollar bill to burn your house down!
When the referee’s count again reaches four, Daniels sets The Outlaw down. He then picks him up again, but The Outlaw is able to get his feet onto the bottom rope, and spring off for the center of the ring, pulling Trent Daniels with him! THUD! MONEY MAKER!
JACK JONES: WOW! Impressive counter there!
The Outlaw crawls over to Daniels, rolling him over and covering him for a pin…
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
The Outlaw rolls over to his side, gasping for air… He moves over to the ropes, and uses them to pull himself to his feet. Daniels is recovering in the center of the ring, and is now working up to his own feet. The Outlaw sees the opportunity, and quickly moves in… He begins throwing hard clubbing blows to all exposed parts of Daniels… After a moment, The Outlaw picks up Daniels, and hooks him up for a gut wrench suplex. The Outlaw pulls Daniels up and flips him over high. The Outlaw turns, dropping Daniels hard. The Outlaw makes another quick cover…
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
The Outlaw pushes Daniels away from him angrily. The challenger gets up, and begins stomping Daniels down on the mat, The crowd jeers The Outlaw, trying to get Daniels back into the match. The Outlaw will have non of it though as he picks Daniels back up. The Outlaw whips Daniels into the ropes, and takes off running step for step behind Daniels. Daniels turns his back to the ropes as The Outlaw hits him, the momentum carrying both men out to the floor below. The Outlaw crawls quickly over to Daniels and starts hammering away with punches. The referee bounds out of the ring, trying to get the action back to where it belongs. The Outlaw is eventually broken from Daniels, and is quickly back up to his feet. He goes to pick up Daniels, but Daniels throws up a low blow between The Outlaw’s legs, dropping the challenger.
JACK STANTZ: HE CHEATED! DAMNIT, HE CHEATED!
BILL HEWSON: Why am I thinking something about the pot calling the kettle black right now?
JACK JONES: Because you suck at your job. Focus on the match! This ain’t no tea party!
Daniels rolls into the ring, and up quickly to his feet. He turns, running across the ring. Daniels bounces off the opposite ropes, seemingly going for a spectacular aerial move from the inside of the ring to the outside and The Outlaw down below, but BAM! He falls down on his face hard. As Daniels recovers from the immediate, stunning blow to his face, he realizes that he didn’t trip naturally… He turns around and sees Townes Walker leaning on the ring apron, laughing…
JACK STANTZ: See that? He just fell down! I think we need a drug screen here…
Daniels is quickly up to his feet leaning over the ropes yelling at Walker. Walker steps away from the ring, insisting that Daniels fell down, but Daniels has none of it. On the other side of the ring though, The Outlaw has slid back in, and is charging Daniels. The Outlaw reaches Daniels, hooking him, and launches him high into the air backwards with a huge release German suplex! The Outlaw rolls over and up to his feet, intensely pounding his chest. The Outlaw is looking down at Daniels and doesn’t see Trent’s ninja half-brother slide into the ring behind him. The Outlaw senses that someone else is in the ring though, and ducks the charging Ninja, sending him into the referee and knocking him down. The Outlaw charges, but he is stopped with a quick kick to the gut. He is getting ready to receive another to the kisser when he is saved by Townes Walker pulling Trent’s cavalry out of the ring.
BILL HEWSON: This one is starting to get out of hand! The ref is down, there are 4 people involved in this match…
Outside the ring, Trent’s Ninja half-brother is being chased off through the crowd by Townes Walker…
In the ring though, both Trent and The Outlaw are struggling to their feet in a neck and neck race… Both men make it to their feet at the same time, and move to the center of the ring, throwing punches. The Outlaw lands a right, Daniels lands a right. They trade again, and for a third time, each time picking up in speed and intensity…
BILL HEWSON: It’s man to man now!
Daniels and The Outlaw continue trading blows until quick as a flash The Outlaw throws a boot to the gut of Daniels. The Outlaw grabs Daniels by the hand, and hoists him up onto his shoulders… Daniels tries to free himself, but The Outlaw launches him into the air before he can get it done…
WEST!
TEXAS!
RAIN!
BILL HEWSON: WEST TEXAS RAIN! THE OUTLAW WITH A HUGE WEST TEXAS RAIN!
JACK STANTZ: We need a referee!
The Outlaw rolls Daniels over onto his back, and hooks a leg. The referee moves over to make the count as best as he can…
ONE!
The Outlaw looks around to make sure that no one who can disrupt this count is around… The crowd screams a mixture of boos and cheers, some wanting Daniels to stay down, some wanting him out of the pinning predicament…
TWO!
The Outlaw pulls back hard on the leg as the referee struggles to lift his hand for the third time…
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
JACK STANTZ: JACKPOT!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… And NEWWWWW NAPW World Champion…. THE OUTLAW!
Jack Stantz has bailed out of the announce booth and already retrieved the belt from ringside. He gets quickly into the ring as The Outlaw is up on his knees, breathing heavily… “Seasons in the Abyss” is almost completely drowned out by the boos, and an occasional piece of garbage flies into the ring. Stantz hands The Outlaw the Championship as The Outlaw stands up. The Outlaw lets the belt hang limply in his right hand as he asks for a microphone…He takes a microphone as Townes Walker slides back into the ring. The Outlaw stands center of the ring, the title still hanging in his right hand…
THE OUTLAW: You know, there are a lot of things that I could say right now, but this time, I’m gonna let my actions speak louder than my words….
The Outlaw bends down, letting his hair fall down over his face… He stands there, bent for a second and then snaps back upright, throwing his hair back. The title goes flipping backwards to, and comes down to rest on the shoulder of The Outlaw. He stands, the belt on his shoulder, and simply stares at the camera. Townes Walker and Jack Stantz congratulate him as they all exit the ring…
BILL HEWSON: Well, he finally did it, The Outlaw finally won the NAPW World Championship, and I can’t help but feel that those men around him, the Legitimate Businessman’s Club, are going to do everything, and I mean everything to keep it in their possession…
JACK JONES: What kind of champion -wouldn’t- do everything in his power to keep the belt around his waist?
BILL HEWSON: Fair point. With the win, however, we have our world title match set for Anniversary Assault the Fourth! The Outlaw will not even get one show to enjoy being World Champion, as he will defend against the new #1 Contender TABOO in Edmonton on the 27th!
Fade in on the commentary team. Hewson is looking askew at Jack Jones, who has a McDonald’s bag displayed in conspicuous fashion.
BILL HEWSON: …where did you get that?
JACK JONES: Steve Parker had his people deliver a special order to me, Hewson! Wait til you see what’s in here!
Jones reaches into the bag, pulls out…
BILL HEWSON: Where did Parker’s people get a MCRIB? They’re only available for a limited time at random times of the year!
JACK JONES: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m HUNGRY!
BILL HEWSON: …is there one in there for a hungry broadcast partner?
JACK JONES: Ooh, sorry Bill, there’s only seven in this bag! That’s two short of my usual order! You wouldn’t want me to starve, would you?
BILL HEWSON: You are a cruel, cruel man.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is set for one fall, and is the BORDER PATROL match for the Canadian Heritage Championship! The rules are as follows — the ring has been divided into two ‘territories,’ one belonging to each competitor. Pinfalls and submissions will only count in the attacker’s territory! As well, the match will be NO DISQUALIFICATION!
Corrosion of Conformity’s “Dirty Hands, Empty Pockets” blasts forth from the PA, leading Steve Parker out of the curtain and to the ring. He is draped in an over-sized American flag. Between that and his star-spangled karate pants, he’s a walking red, white and blue…
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, the challenger —
Parker gives Frank the smile, and says something to him.
FRANK WARBURTON: …and FORMER Canadian Heritage Champion…
Parker says something else to Frank, still ‘smiling.’ Frank raises his eyebrows, then almost imperceptibly shakes his head before continuing.
FRANK WARBURTON: I’m sorry, former “NORTH AMERICAN” Heritage Champion… weighing in at two-hundred and nineteen pounds! From Boston, Massachussetts, he is “THE STAR-SPANGLED SENSATION” STEVE PARKER!
JACK JONES: YES! YES! WHAT A MAN! STAND UP AND CHEER, FOLKS! CHEER FOR THE DELICIOUSNESS!
BILL HEWSON: Not that you were ever impartial, but Parker just bought you hook line and sinker, didn’t he?
JACK JONES: This McRib is so DELICIOUS. GO STEVE!
FRANK WARBURTON: And now, his opponent…
“NO ONE’S GONNA TAKE US ALIVE!
THE TIME HAS COME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT!”
Crowd go KUMQUAT.
FRANK WARBURTON: Weighing in at two-hundred and seventy pounds! Hailing from St. Albert, Alberta… he is the NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION! BRUCE “THE BEAST” RICHARDS!
BILL HEWSON: The crowd not having a hard time who their favorite is in this one, folks! They are 100% behind The Beast!
JACK JONES: What do the humanoids now, anyways? *chomp* *smack* Oh God…
BILL HEWSON: Will you stop chewing into the microphone?
The Beast doffs his trenchcoat and cowboy hat. The Heritage Championship belt is strapped around his waist; Bruce adjusts his fingerless gloves and stares across the ring at Parker. Referee for this contest? Senior official John Sharplin. He asks Bruce for the belt. Richards unstraps it, gives it a good look, and passes it to Sharplin. The referee shows it to Parker, who rubs his hands lovingly across the gleaming faceplate. The title is displayed to all four sides of the ring before being passed off to a ring crew member.
DING DING DING
The ring, of course, has been marked down the middle with what appears to be shiny black tape. On the corner solely belonging to Parker is an American flag, to mark his territory. The opposing corner has a flag featuring… well.
A pie chart.
The much larger portion suggests that Beast is going to kill Parker.
Circle here as the two lock-up and — SHOVE. Beast just powers Parker to the canvas with his strength advantage. Parker backs off, holding hands up in defense, as Beast just smirks. And then, the crowd begins to chant:
“BEAST IS GONNA KILL YOU”
“BEAST IS GONNA KILL YOU”
“BEAST IS GONNA KILL YOU”
BILL HEWSON: Oh ho ho, I don’t think Parker likes the sound of that chant!
JACK JONES: Don’t worry, Steve! Beast won’t commit homicide in front of 600 witnesses!
BILL HEWSON: Comforting thought, I’m sure.
JACK JONES: Not as comforting as McRibs in my belly.
Parker circles the ring, covering his ears, yelling for the crowd to SHUT UP! Beast leans over the rope and grabs the microphone. He’s enjoying every second of this.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I’m sorry, fans, but I’m having a hard time hearing tonight. What’s that you’re saying?
Parker’s eyes nearly bug out of his head as the chant gets even louder. He rolls out of the ring, gesturing that he’s done with this contest. Parker starts heading down the aisle!
BILL HEWSON: I don’t believe it, Steve Parker is walking out on this match!
A new chant breaks up:
“PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY.” Beast can’t help it anymore, he bursts out laughing before speaking into the mic again.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Steve, I don’t know if you can hear it… but every wrestling fan in Calgary is calling you a PUSSY.
JACK JONES: Ooh! Them’s fightin’ words!
Parker stops half-way up the aisle, twitching. He turns around…
*Smile*
Parker charges the ring! He slides in and gets up, met by The Beast! Right hands being exchanged, Parker ducks a big bomb and delivers a sick kick right up into Bruce’s chest with his martial arts skill. Chop, chop, irish whip, Beast reverses, Parker comes in… HIIIIGH back body drop! Parker on his knees, holding his back, trying to beg off, Beast comes in, Parker grabs the front of Bruce’s pants and sends him tipping through the ropes to the floor below. The challenger climbs the top rope…
FLYING CROSS BODY TO THE OUTSIDE!
Is…
Caught.
Beast hoists Parker up onto his shoulders and goes to lawn dart him into the ring post; Parker slides off and shoves Bruce in! Shoulder-first goes Richards, KONK. Parker hammerlocks Bruce and walks him forward, ramming him into the next ring-post, again right on the shoulder. Parker has a chair! Bruce holding his shoulder by the ring post — SWING! DUCK! CLANG! Parker drops the chair from the rattling impact! He turns around —
LARIAT! Parker hits the floor! Bruce rolls the man into the ring, Parker is up quickly though and stomps Bruce as he rolls in. Parker driving elbows into the shoulders and neck of Bruce.
JACK JONES: Brilliant, amazing, INGENUIOUS strategy from Steve Parker!
BILL HEWSON: Parker working on the shoulder of Bruce, which is sound strategy. The Beast uses a lot of his upper body strength to lift and toss his opponent’s around, especially with his Chart Attack finisher. As well —
JACK JONES: As WELL, Billy, Parker is softening The Beast up for the Freedom Fryer.
BILL HEWSON: I was getting there —
JACK JONES: But you wouldn’t pick up on a subtlety like that, I understand.
Hewson no doubt shoots Jones a black look as Parker works an armbar on the canvas. Bruce fights his way to the feet, reverses it! Parker dancing in pain as Beast wrenches, turns it into a wrist-lock. Reversal by Parker, into a hammerlock — shoves Bruce shoulder-first into the turnbuckle! Good move by the challenger there. Parker stomps on Bruce as the ref tells him to bring it out of the corner. Parker lights Bruce up with a chop, then whips him across the ring. RUNNING KNEE! High to Bruce’s face, and then a bulldog coming out puts Bruce down! Parker rolls him into the proper territory, covers! One, two, the champion kicks out.
BILL HEWSON: First pinfall of the match, and you’ll notice how Parker made sure to roll Bruce clear into the proper territory. A wrestler must be COMPLETELY in the other man’s territory for a pinfall or submission to count, not even a fingertip in the other half of the ring.
JACK JONES: He is the most brilliant, slow-roasted, intelligent and juicy Heritage Champion of all time.
BILL HEWSON: You’re disgusting.
Parker grabs a side headlock, Bruce up to his feet. He elbows his way out, one, two, three, hits the ropes! CLOTHESLINE — Parker ducks! Bruce stops short and turns around CRACK! GAMENGIRI! Parker connects and Bruce hits the canvas. Another cover, clear in Parker territory, one, two, kick-out. Parker rolls with the out and… LOOKING FOR THE FREEDOM FRYER! Bruce fighting it, his less-than-100% shoulder making it harder, but he’s refusing to let Parker lock his hands together. Bruce has his hands on Parker’s wrists, forcing them apart! He’s breaking it — Parker stops fighting, then drives a forearm into the back of Bruce. He pulls The Beast up with a handful of hair, nothing the ref can do about it. Parker forces Richards into the corner with his flag. Scoop… and he hangs Richards upside down in the turnbuckle in a Tree of Woe! Steve climbs up the buckles and…
Sticks his foot right in the upside-down Bruce’s crotch. He presses down whilst putting one hand on his heart, looking at the US flag!
“OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEE!”
BILL HEWSON: Oh come on now, that’s just in poor taste!
JACK JONES: Get to your feet, Hewson, the national anthem is being sung!
BILL HEWSON: It’s not my national anthem, and I think it’s being disgraced by Parker’s actions.
The crowd is really giving Parker hell now as Bruce yells in pain. Sharplin wants Parker to back down, but – again – there is no disqualification and not much he can do about it. Steve finally gets down and Sharplin helps Bruce untangle. The challenger watches as Bruce gets up, gingerly cupping his manhood. CHARGE — running kick knocks Bruce down to his knees. BIG KICK — Bruce ducks! Parker spins all around, off-balance, that kick could have ended it! BRUCE FROM BEHIND!
COBRA CLUTCH!
BOMB!
Parker is down! Bruce instinctively covers… but no good! They’re in Parker territory! Bruce grimaces and rolls Steve over, finally hooking the leg in Beast territory. One, two — and that’s all he gets as Parker kicks out.
BILL HEWSON: Bruce covering on instinct after that Cobra Clutch Bomb, and there is the challenge in this unique match concept. Jack Attack, you could tell us that as a wrestler, you train every fiber of your being to go for that pin at any opportunity… but in the Border Patrol match, you have to operate counter to those instincts!
JACK JONES: That’s why Steve Parker is so McGreat! He’s made sure his pinfall opportunities are in his Bar-B-Q sauce slathered territory!
BILL HEWSON: Wipe your chin, Jack.
However, the crowd are rallying behind Bruce. He picks Parker up, and CHOPS the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed hair off his chest! Another chop and Parker is gasping for breath on the ropes. Bruce charges —
PARKER BACKDROPS HIM OVER!
Parker stumbles forward, smile in place, as he lets the fans know just how much smarter he is then they are.
He should probably turn around though. Bruce held onto the top rope and landed on the apron. He’s standing directly behind Parker…
Steve suddenly realizes the crowd don’t seem to be cheering for -him-. He backs up…
*bump*
SPIN PUNCH BLOCKED BEAST KNOCKS PARKER DOWN! Parker gets up and THROWN OUT OF THE RING. Bruce dusts his hands off, and then…
Points to his head.
“SMARTER THAN YOU.”
BILL HEWSON: Shades of Bruce’s old tag team partner in The New & Improved D-X, Stylin’ Kyle Roberts! The Beast not usually known for out-smarting his opponents, but he put one over on Parker right there.
JACK JONES: Get up, Steve! You and you alone can bring the McRib to the world on a regular basis!
Parker is slowly getting to his feet, trying to get his bearings.
BILL HEWSON: LOOK OUT!
Parker turns his head in time to see BEAST OUTTA CONTROL SUICIDE NO-HANDS PLANCHA OVER THE TOP ROPE LAND ON TOPPA HIM! THE FRONT ROWS SCATTER!
“BEAST, BEAST, BEAST!” Richards roars and picks up Steve Parker. What’s this? GORILLA PRESS INTO THE CHAIRS ON THE FRONT ROW! Parker rolls in pain as Beast has the match firmly under control. Bruce rolls his shoulder, however, wincing – maybe not the best move with the damage that’s been done.
Bruce picks Parker up and bundles him back into the ring. Bruce gets in, powerslam clear in his territory! He’s up top!
DIVING MOONSAULT!
Bruce covers, it’s good, ONE, TWO, NO! Parker somehow gets the shoulder up! Bruce is a little surprised, but he picks the man up in the TORTURE RACK! Parker being racked, will he submit — no! Parker taking shots at Bruce’s head with his right hand! Another shot and Bruce stumbles, Parker drops behind his man! AMERICAN SUPLEX! BEAST DROPPED RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! Parker drags Bruce into his territory and covers, ONE, TWO, kick-out! Parker hooks a front face-lock on the canvas and begins delivering knees right into Bruce’s head.
BILL HEWSON: The champion is dazed, and… PARKER LOCKS ON THE FREEDOM FRYER! LOCKED ON! Right in Parker territory!
JACK JONES: Yes! *gmluf*! OH YES! *chew* MAKE HIM TAP! *swallow*
BILL HEWSON: The Beast is in a tough predicament! Parker’s worked that shoulder over repeatedly, and now he’s wrenching on it — as well as cutting off circulation to Bruce’s head!
Bruce is in a bad way, Sharplin asking Bruce if he submits. Bruce shakes his head, then yells in pain. He tries to reach out and get a leg on the bottom rope. After all, he’s not CENTER ring due to the stip. But Parker has prepared for this and turns with the hold, putting his OWN feet on the ropes, keeping Bruce’s away! Bruce looks like he’s in a bad situation, holding his hand high, he may have NO CHOICE BUT TO TAP OUT —
OR HE CAN ROLL BACKWARDS! Parker’s shoulders on the mat, as happened against Lloyd Rees! But he’s still in his territory! Parker rolls the hold again, he’s studied this now, but Bruce tries the same counter again!
And this time, it’s enough to put both men into BEAST TERRITORY! ONE! TWO! TH— Parker frantically rolls the hold again to avoid the pinfall! But Sharplin is telling him to break it off, he won’t count a submission! Parker breaks the hold and argues with the referee, but Sharplin gestures to the dividing line, saying Parker was clearly in Beast territory and no submission would be counted. Bruce couldn’t break the hold, but he outsmarted Parker. Steve, furious, turns around to pull up The Beast AND GETS A CLAW DOWN HIS GULLET! THE CLAW IS APPLIED! Bruce shoving his fingers beneath Parker’s tongue, paralyzing the man with a nerve hold… Parker kicks him in the nuts to break it! No disqualification again. Parker whips Richards to the turnbuckle, Richards reverses, CHARGE, Parker dodges, Richards impacts hard — SUPER-SIZED KICK! Connects, and Bruce tumbles out of the ring!
BILL HEWSON: Bad luck for Parker, he could have scored a three off of that move. Possibly at any rate. Now he has to fetch The Beast from outside the ring… wait a minute, come on Parker!
JACK JONES: COME ON PARKER! DO IT!
Parker shoves the timekeeper out of his chair and snaps the steel seating device shut! Bruce is getting up…
KA-EFFING-LANG
PARKER WASTES BRUCE WITH THE STEEL CHAIR. THE BEAST IS DOWN IN FRONT OF THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Parker tosses the chair aside, then sags back against the ring apron.
BILL HEWSON: Both men have been worn down by this match, but if it were in the ring, you’ve gotta believe after that SICKENING chair shot Parker could win this! But now he has to get… what looks like an unconscious Bruce back into the ring!
JACK JONES: It’s okay, he’ll be out for days now!
Parker lifts Bruce up, but he’s dead-weight. This may not have worked out as well as that. He manages to heave the near-three hundred pounder up, propping him by the arm-pits face-first on the announce table. Parker trying to get some leverage with The Beast…
Richards suddenly twitches. He sniffs. Sniffs? What the? Parker hauls Bruce over to the ring apron, but not before Bruce grabs…
JACK JONES: HEY! He took my McRib bag!
BILL HEWSON: What in the world?
Parker gets Bruce’s legs up on the canvas, then starts pushing him. Bruce is in the ring. Parker goes to the top turnbuckle? What’s this? He wants to humiliate Bruce! He’s saying he’s going to beat Beast at his own game! Bruce is prone, in Parker territory, nothing going to happen!
MOONSAULT
PARKER ARCS THROUGH THE AIR
BRUCE GETS THE KNEES UP!
“MMMMMMCRRRRIIIIIIIIIB!”
Bruce reaches into the McDonald’s bag and pulls out —
MCRIB!
BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!
*CHOMP*
Parker, holding his gut, finds the wherewithal to stay on the attack, fires a right hand at Bruce! Bruce recoils, but doesn’t go down!
*CHOMP*
Parker with another right hand, this time Bruce barely even registers it!
*CHOMP*
Another right hand and Bruce gives Parker THE LOOK.
THE POINT!
“YOU!”
Parker looks panicked! RIGHT HAND BLOCKED! BRUCE WITH A RIGHT! PARKER FIRES, BLOCKED, BRUCE CONNECTS! POWERSLAM! CLOTHESLINE! BIG BOOT! BRUCE HITS THE ROPES! STEP, STEP, *CHOMP*!
BIG LEG DROP!
Bruce rolls Parker into his territory, ONE, TWO, NO! PARKER SOMEHOW KICKS OUT! Bruce picks up Parker, CHART ATTACK, Parker elbows to the head! He slips out! SUPER-SIZED KICK — NO DICE! REVERSED! PUMP-HANDLE OVERHEAD SUPLEX THROW! Parker ends up in the turnbuckle on his side! He scrambles up and grabs the flag! He leaps off and BREAKS THE FLAGPOLE ACROSS BRUCE’S HEAD! Bruce goes down as Parker tosses the flag over the top rope, saluting it.
Too bad Bruce is RIGHT BACK UP! HE FINISHES THE MCRIB!
Parker turns around
SCOOPED UP!
CHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRT ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!
BRUCE ROLLS HIM INTO BEAST TERRITORY!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… and STILL NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION! BRUCE “THE BEAST” RICHARDS!
Muse blasts and The Beast hits the turnbuckle in celebration! ALL HIS PAIN IS FORGOTTEN IN THE GLORIOUS AFTERGLOW OF MCRIB! AND ALSO THE HERITAGE TITLE SHARPLIN HANDS TO HIM!
JACK JONES: I call FOUL! The McRib is not a legal object in an NAPW match!
BILL HEWSON: It’s no disqualification, Jones! Bruce Richards remains the Canadian Heritage champion, which means he will defend it against Donovan Astros at Anniversary Assault The Fourth! That’s a rematch we’ve all waited a long time to see.
JACK JONES: *sobs* MY MCRIB…
BILL HEWSON: You ate FIVE, you pig.
Parker stumbles to the back, holding his head, wondering what went wrong?
Nothing went wrong, Parker. Thanks to the delicious McRIB©, everything went RIGHT. Your winner — THE BEAST!
-INTERMISSION-
JACK JONES: So I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.
BILL HEWSON: Jack… how on earth did you get gravy poisoning?
JACK JONES: Two words, Hewson: super straw. Super straw.
BILL HEWSON: Fans, our next match is… well, it’s unsanctioned. What that means is that on the record books, it never happened in New Alberta Pro. Each competitor has signed a waiver that nobody in this building – not the promotion, not the owners, not the fans, NOBODY – can be held responsible for permanent injury. But it is that personal…
JACK JONES: It’s funny, last year … almost to the day, Bill. It was last year almost to the day that Ravager and KRENSHOV almost put Terry Brandon out of wrestling permanently.
BILL HEWSON: The Faces of Death committed their sickest, most shocking act of violence on the man who was NAPW Commissioner at the time. We all remember how that duo raised hell throughout NAPW, injuring a number of wrestlers. And if KRENSHOV had not been suspended indefinitely after he attacked a fan in the spring of this year, who knows what would have happened.
JACK JONES: Who could have stopped the Faces of Death for long?
BILL HEWSON: Yet it was that very event that has led to this match. Ravager was forced to train the next generation of Alberta wrestlers, and doing so seemed to teach him. We saw Ravager restore some of his honor in doing so, in defending his students and trying to bring them up in this business properly. And then Ravager suffered a severe neck injury in the summer months, one which is putting him out of wrestling for good.
JACK JONES: Too bad it didn’t sit well with Kenny.
BILL HEWSON: The past few months of attacks on students, of “WEAK” being spraypainted everywhere, came to a head when just two weeks ago after Ravager wrestled what was supposed to be his last match against long-time rival Donovan Astros. KRENSHOV appeared and conducted a savage assault on his former friend. Ravager demanded one last match, unsanctioned, wherever he could take it. The man is one wrong move away from ending up in a wheelchair, and tonight he is going up against a sadistic, EVIL monster named KRENSHOV. Referee Danny Chaos, a former competitor himself, has -volunteered- to officiate this unsanctioned contest… trapped between two bitter enemies inside the HOUSE OF HORROS. Now let’s go to Frank.
Referee Danny Chaos surveys the cage, and the weapons that have been placed inside it. A barbed wire baseball bat, several chairs, a table, a bag of what is likely thumbtacks. The crowd is hushed now as Frank Warburton has the mic.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen this match is the HOUSE OF HORRORS match! This match is unsanctioned by the NAPW. It has no time limit, and can only be stopped by pinfall or submission.
“I’M NOT JESUS, JESUS WOULD FORGIVE!!”
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, from Middletown, New Jersey, weighing in at three hundred and fifty pounds: THIS IS KRENSHOV!!
And the fans break their silence, booing KRENSHOV mercilessly. The Colossal one is escorted to ringside by a large number of security…
JACK JONES: Security isn’t there to protect Krenshov from the fans. They’re there to protect the fans from Krenshov!
Krenshov climbs through the cage door and looks around the ring, a sick smile on his face. He shoots a glare at Chaos, and tells him to be ready to count. Chaos, to his credit, doesn’t back down. The old Faces of Death theme fades out, and the fans start clamoring for his opponent. But instead they get a tolling bell. There are some murmurs from the crowd, and then they hear a classic guitar riff…
“FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS! TIME MARCHES ON!!”
Ravager’s students make their way to the ring, carrying with them the three trunks Ravager had been loading up for this battle. Krenshov looks on, slightly amused as the students hoist the trunks into the cage, and set them up in each corner. The students don’t waste any time around Krenshov, getting out of the cage before he can attack. Kenny promises he’ll have time for each of them after the match is done.
BILL HEWSON: Ravager’s students having to struggle a bit lifting those trunks. Makes you wonder what Ravager has in store for Krenshov.
Kenny is getting impatient, as are the fans. Metallica fades out.
FOUR CELLOS.
That gets a huge pop from the fans, as the students line up, waiting for their teacher to make his way to ringside!
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! From Brooklyn, New York, weighing two hundred and ten pounds: He is the Last Resort; The White Collar Assassin: RAVAGER!!
The fans are on their feet, but Ravager does not emerge through the curtains. Krenshov is fixated on the ring entrance, yelling for Ravager to quit wasting time!
JACK JONES: He’s not coming! Ravager may have made the best decision of his life, letting it end at Business is Business… (sighs). Did that trunk just open on its own?
No. It didn’t. The fans cheer even louder as the Ravager emerges from one of the trunks. An evil expression on his face, and a bundle of light tubes in his hand. As Krenshov looks at the ring entrance, Ravager charges from behind, smashing the tubes over Krenshov’s head! Chaos calls for the bell, and Ravager hits the ropes and nails Krenshov with a chop block, and Krenshov is down to one knee.
BILL HEWSON: Krenshov has a history of knee problems, something a former partner would know a lot about!
Ravager has a broken segment of light tube, and he tries to drive it into Krenshov’s forehead! Krenshov blocks it, grabbing Ravager’s arm… Ravager with a headbutt, stunning Krenshov, and now he drives the tube into his forehead! Ravager abandoning any type of wrestling tonight, he’s fighting not just for revenge, but his life! Krenshov is bleeding, but he gets a hand free and grabs Ravager by the throat, hoisting him up and tossing him into the cage! Ravager slumps to the mat, and Krenshov grabs a chair. He swings it at Ravager’s head, but he ducks, and dropkicks Kenny’s knee again. Krenshov drops the chair, Ravager picks it up…
Krenshov punches the chair right into Ravager’s face! Ravager goes down. Krenshov gets into the mount position, and starts pounding fists onto Ravager’s forehead. Ravager tries to break free, but Krenshov is just too powerful. He drags Ravager up, and nails him with a Palm Strike, kneelift combo, which sends Ravager back to the mat. Krenshov not even trying for a pin, decides to see what Ravager brought to the ring. He opens one of the trunks, and starts to go through it. Ravager is reaching into his boot for something just as Krenshov pulls out a hammer. He stalks over to Ravager, pulling him up by the hair…
KA CHUNK!!
Ravager with the staple gun, catches Krenshov in the leg. Krenshov yells in pain, and Ravager takes the opportunity to sink three more staples into the chest of his opponent! Ravager boots Krenshov low, then grabs a hunched over Krenshov with a headlock, and drives in three more staples into his forehead… Krenshov lifts Ravager up and drops him with a back suplex! Ravager lands right on his neck, and Krenshov is looking angry. He grabs the table, and sets it up center ring. He grabs the bag of thumbtacks, and pours it onto the table. Ravager is struggling to his feet as Krenshov grabs him, and sets him up for a powerbomb through the table! Ravager writhes in pain, there are tacks stuck to his back and neck, and Krenshov covers him for a pin!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE- Ravager gets a shoulder up! Krenshov glares at Chaos, but doesn’t argue, grabbing the hammer, and sticking the claw end into Ravager’s forehead! There are groans from the fans as the former NAPW champ starts to bleed profusely.
BILL HEWSON: As much as I don’t like this, Ravager asked for this match.
JACK JONES: He’s not doing anything to help his legacy here. All the fans will remember is a bloodied piece of meat being dragged out of the ring.
Krenshov drops the hammer, and Ravager falls back onto the mat. The Colossal one sits Ravager up, then puts on a chin lock, making sure to drive his knee right into Ravager’s neck. The pain in Ravager’s face is evident even through all the blood. Chaos checks for a submission, but Ravager keeps saying “NO”. Kenny gets tired of the hold, and lets go, but not before driving his forearm into Ravager’s neck. He likes that so much he lands two more forearms. But that isn’t quite brutal enough for him. Krenshov grabs the barbed wire bat, and approaches Ravager with ill intentions. He lifts the bat over his head and drives it down…
Ravager rolls out of the way! Krenshov lifts the bat up again, and drives it down! Again Ravager moves! The barbed wire catches in the mat, delaying Kenny for a second… Ravager with another chop block! Krenshov drops the bat! Ravager hits the ropes and comes back with a Yakuza kick, knocking Krenshov into a sitting position… Ravager hits a Sliding D, and that finally takes Krenshov down! He covers! One… two… Krenshov with a powerful kick out. Ravager goes to the trunk, and pulls out two kendo sticks. He brings one down across the back of Krenshov. Then the other. Kenny on his knees, trying to block the shots, but Ravager is getting into a rhythm, one shot, then another, finally Krenshov can only cover his face while Ravager splinters the sticks over Kenny’s back, and the fans are loving it! Ravager going back to the trunk, and pulls out a length of chain, which he wraps around his forearm. Krenshov back to his feet, goes to boot Ravager in the face… Ravager ducks, hits the ropes and comes back with a flying forearm! The chain draws even more blood from Krenshov as it takes him down! Krenshov rolls onto his stomach, and Ravager goes behind, and cross faces him with forearm shots! A bloodied Ravager pounding away on his much larger opponent, and the chain makes a sick sound each time it connects. Finally Ravager stops, and Krenshov slumps to the mat. Ravager raises his chain covered arm in the air as a “King of Hardcore” chant starts up.
JACK JONES: Stop posing and pin him! The longer this goes the less chance you have!
Ravager seems to hear this, as he rolls (with difficulty) Krenshov onto his back, and hooks the leg for a cover! ONE!! TWO!! THR- Krenshov kicks out! Ravager grabs a chair and goes to swing it… Krenshov grabs Ravager by the waist and flings him into the cage! Ravager staggers backwards… Krenshov with a Running forearm smash to the back of the head! Ravager’s head snaps forward cruelly and he slumps to the mat. Krenshov grabs the barbed wire bat, and he pushes it into Ravager’s forehead, drawing more blood. Ravager’s students approach the cage, trying to cheer their teacher on. Krenshov spits at them, then hauls Ravager up for a fall away slam! Ravager crashes to the mat, and Krenshov stands tall in the center of the ring, as the fans boo. Krenshov walks over to Ravager, hauls him up, and tosses him into the corner turnbuckle. He follows him in with a body splash! And another! And another! Ravager slumps forward onto the mat, looking dead to the World. But he doesn’t look dead enough, as Krenshov stomps the back of his head. Then again. Ravager doesn’t appear to be moving as Krenshov places his boot on Ravager’s neck, then puts all his weight down on it! Chaos is checking to see if Ravager submits as Johnny the Mormon Love Machine climbs the cage! Krenshov steps off of Ravager and goes to the cage, trying to shake Johnny off of it. Ravager slowly moving, and he’s fishing something out of his other boot… Ravager with a pair of brass knucks! He pushes himself to his knees, then to his feet. Krenshov is still occupied with trying to knock Johnny off the cage, he doesn’t notice Ravager sneaking up behind him…
BILL HEWSON: Oh no…
Krenshov turns just in time to catch Ravager with a boot to the gut! He hauls him in and plants him in the mat with…
TOTAL ECLIPSE!!
BILL HEWSON: Oh my God.
JACK JONES: I think that was the end, Hewson.
Ravager is not moving at all and the fans are beside themselves! Krenshov goes for a cover… No, he breaks it as Johnny and Chris Kamikaze are climbing the cage again! Johnny Stamos is climbing the other side, as are two other students!
BILL HEWSON: All these guys have a score to settle with Krenshov!
JACK JONES: But is this really the right time?
BILL HEWSON: You mean a non sanctioned, no holds barred match with weapons in every corner?
JACK JONES: You may have a MINOR point…
Krenshov has a smirk on his face as he picks up the barbed wire bat and invites any of the students into the ring with him.
The colossal monster … laughs.
Chaos has no real recourse here, but he does encourage the students to be smarter than this. Krenshov goes to the cage where Johnny is climbing. Krenshov to the top turnbuckle, catches Johnny at the top of the cage! Johnny tries to climb back down, Krenshov now climbing the cage! It teeters a bit under the weight of the big man, but it holds! Krenshov has one leg over the top of the cage, and he still has a hold of Johnny! He starts to pull him up… Ravager is stirring in the ring… Chris Kamikaze and the rest of the students race around to where Krenshov has Johnny… Kamikaze looking under the ring, he pulls out kendo sticks, and hands them to the students, and they climb up and start to smack away at Krenshov!
BILL HEWSON: Krenshov being repaid for terrorizing these poor kids, but I don’t think it’s going to help Ravager in the end… or will it?
Ravager is up, and he staggers to the corner! He climbs to the top turnbuckle, then scales the cage, catching Krenshov with a front headlock! Ravager starts to slide back into the ring, pulling Krenshov with him!
BILL HEWSON: Ravager may not have a lot of strength left, but as long as he can keep the headlock cinched in, he has something even better on his side: Physics!
Indeed, Ravager using his weight to slowly drag Krenshov back into the cage. Krenshov tries to land some punches to Ravager’s kidneys, but the former NAPW champ doesn’t let go! Ravager gets his feet on the top rope, but he still has Krenshov in a headlock. Kenny has managed to keep his foot tucked into the cage mesh, preventing him from being dragged in… Kamikaze and Johnny, see this, and they pull Krenshov’s foot free… Ravager steps off the top turnbuckle…
INSTANT
KARMA!!
Krenshov dropped headfirst on the top turnbuckle as the Ogden Legion EXPLODES!! Ravager is still hurt, but he crawls over to make the cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE- KRENSHOV KICKS OUT!!!
JACK JONES: Nobody has EVER kicked out of that! EVER!
Ravager is shocked to say the least. But he has one more plan. He beckons his students into the ring, then goes for the last, unopened trunk. He lifts the lid, and starts to rummage inside…
JACK JONES: Oh, that better not be what I think it is…
Ravager pulls out the Faces of Death ringbell. It’s got a few dents in it from past victims, and now Ravager looks to add one more. He also pulls out a black burlap sack, and he hands it to Johnny Stamos. He and Chris Kamikaze wrestle it over the head of Krenshov, who is stirring. Ravager places the bell under the head of Krenshov as the students take a hold of Krenshov’s arms. Ravager to the second rope!
JACK JONES: Hey come on, he has all his students in the ring! This isn’t fair!
BILL HEWSON: KRENSHOV’s birds are coming home to roost, Jack Attack.
RAVAGER: Sorry Kenny. You forced me into this.
DOUBLE STOMP! Krenshov’s head driven into the ring bell, to the cheers of the fans! Ravager orders the students out of the ring as he rolls Krenshov over. He goes for a cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner: RAVAGER!!
The fan reaction as huge as Chaos raises Ravager’s arm. Security (EXTRA security) is out in force to drag Krenshov out of the ring and escort him from the building. Ravager stands tall as the fans are on their feet, applauding Ravager’s final match. Warburton hands Ravager the mic.
RAVAGER: So, is that it? Anybody else want a shot before I go?
A few chuckles as Ravager surveys the crowd for any former enemies.
RAVAGER: It’s a few weeks later than I planned, granted. Still sooner than I wanted…
A “Please don’t go” chant starts up in one corner of the building.
RAVAGER: But it’s beyond my control. I’d love to stay. But I want to live too. That makes my choice easier. But as I’ve wrestled these last few weeks, winding down the clock, I’ve been watching the rest of the NAPW. The new guys coming in, and the veterans who are stepping up. Blood Harvest. The Outlaw. Chad Kurtis. Richards. TDA. Hostile. Taboo. As sad as I am to leave, I can at least leave feeling happy about one thing. The NAPW that I helped build is being left in good hands. And you people can rest easy knowing that you’re going to continue to get the best wrestling money can buy. And that’s pretty much it. Except this:
It’s been my privilege. Thank you.
Ravager hands the mic back to Warburton, shaking his hand, as well as the hands of Bill Hewson and Jack Jones. He makes his way around ringside, shaking the fans hands as Path plays. He starts to make his way back to the locker room, trying to shake as many hands as possible before he goes through the curtains one last time. He stops at the curtains, turns to the fans, and looks into one of the cameras. And in a final message for those watching on DVD:
RAVAGER: Business was good. NAPW’s is going to keep getting better.
And with that, Ravager steps through the curtains.
For the last time.
CREDITS:
The Freak Show vs Brothers O’Connor – Bean
“The Show” Chad Kurtis vs Go Shimizu – Ro
Kurtis promo – Kent
Total Destruction Alliance vs Blood Harvest – Devin
Taboo vs Hostile – Brad
Donovan Astros vs Lloyd Rees – Chris
Trent Daniels vs The Outlaw – Waylon
Bruce “The Beast” Richards vs Steve Parker – Ro
Ravager vs KRENSHOV – Allan… we’ll miss you.
Tags: House of Horrors, McRib
October 13, 2009 4:30 PM No Comments
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