Future Shock vs SCARS (Jason Richards & Adam Stryker)
Lardo vs Jay Deschain
LEGION vs Those That Would Inflict Ill
Sammy Devine vs Bruiser Breton (Canadian Heritage Championship)
The A-Team vs The Phenomenons
Anton Petrov & Jackson Kass vs Clancy King & Earl of Dokken
Abbey Graves vs Joshua Rapture (World Championship)
TAGSTRAVAGANZA: The Rabble vs Future Shock vs Those That Would Inflict Ill vs The Phenomenons (Tag Team Championship)
Fade in. Load iPPV. Fire up the video wall in the Polish Hall.
Colton Sterling: Tonight’s the night, folks.
We cut to the backstage area, where we see Colton Sterling and Jaxon Queen, the two members that make up Future Shock, standing by. They are both sitting atop one of the large black box that carries usually some equipment for the show and are both staring right in front of the camera as they finish wrapping their wrists and hands with black tape.
Colton Sterling: Tonight, my tag team partner, Jaxon Queen, and I will take on one team and attempt to defeat that team —- so as to advance to the final fatal four-way main event. But when I say “attempt”, I really mean that we WILL win our first ever New Alberta Pro match.
Jaxon Queen: And that’s no disrespect to whatever team we do end up facing in this first matchup. We just think that no team will really stop us from making it to that fatal four way. I mean, we’ve already made our goals for this show pretty clear.
Colton Sterling: Win our first match, win the fatal four-way, get those blue jackets, that money, and the NAPW World Tag Team championships. Oh, and let’s not forget that we will stun everyone while in the process of doing so and will walk away making TAGSTRAVAGANZA be the night everyone realized Future Shock is the next big tag team in the business.
Jaxon hops off of the large black box and lands on his feet, keeping eye contact with the camera the entire time.
Jaxon Queen: And that’s not us being cocky. We just know that when we head out there, we are one of the most talented tag teams to ever hit this business. In less than six months, I’ve done more than people have done in six years. And Colton here? If he wasn’t in a tag team, he’d be one of the best singles wrestlers in the world.
Colton Sterling: End of the night…
Colton hops off as well.
Colton Sterling: Only one team walks out as champions. And we plan on being THAT team. See you out there, guys.
With that, the two young men make their leave. Fade…
“ONE TWO THREE GO!”
“And now, New Alberta Pro Wrestling presents… TAGSTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!”
“This is a fight to the death…”
“Conquistador” by 30 Seconds to Mars continues to play and a montage of clips from TAGSTRAVAGANZA past plays, commentary over top!
JUNE 12, 2006: Stylin’ Kyle Roberts and Bruce “The Beast” Richards jump the Celtic Assassins from behind! — Roberts hoists O’Brady onto his shoulders, grins… MOOSE JAW DRIVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! Foot on the ropes! — HOT. TAG. THOES. POWER CLOTHESLINE! POWER SLAM! POWER SUPLEX! POWER CLOTHESLINE AGAIN! Al Thoes has been cut loose from all tethers and is taking it to The New & Improved D-X like you wouldn’t believe! — Kyle Roberts, mania in his eyes, screaming to the crowd “Is this your HERO? Do you know what I do to HEROES? I FINISH THEM!” — Al Thoes slips off of the Fusion, and has enough ring presence to roll Kyle Roberts up for ONE! TWO! … THREEEEEEEE! The Celtic Assassins win the Tagstravaganza!! The crowd is going OATMEAL!!
“We will, we will, we will RISE AGAIN.”
The footage of the Celtic Assassins shudders and EXPLODES into a darkly lit clip of COLTON STERLING! JAXON QUEEN! FUTURE SHOCK! Their image shatters —
into JASON RICHARDS! ADAM STRYKER! SCARS!
MAY 22, 2007: Incumbent Tag Team Champions David Banks & Lloyd Rees, the NEW CRIMES! Chris Casino & Sebastien Martyr, MALICIOUS INTENT! — Banks on the top rope… BEYOND BELIEF! Banks hooks the leg of Martyr! ONE! TWO! CHRIS CASINO OFF THE TOP ROPE! A picture perfect ELBOW DROP to Banks breaks it up! — Casino with the cover! ONE! TWO! — MR. CANADA breaks it up?! No DQ! STYLES CLASH! The fans booing goes into OVERDRIVE. Banks rolls Casino over and hooks the leg… one, two, three! Banks & Rees win Tagstravaganza and retain the championship!
The New Crimes stand tall, fans throwing garbage in their direction… the picture decomposes and behind them are THE PHENOMENONS! ERIC CAMERON! SHANE STONE!
“Hey, hey, say a prayer.”
MAY 20, 2008: Southern Destruction of Hank Henderson and Dan Miller jump Dez Carter, his partner Ravager on the apron! — Southern Destruction go high and low on Dez Carter with TOTAL ELIMINATION! — CARTER AND HENDERSON GOING CRAZY WITH FOREARMS, NEITHER MAN BACKING DOWN! — Ravager roughly tosses Dan down, placing his face on the bottom turnbuckle. He looks out over the crowd, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. THE SILENCER. CURBSTOMP! — INSTANT KARMA — wait a minute! Miller shakes the ropes! They fall! HANK LANDS ON TOP OF RAVAGER! Dan has Ravager’s foot at ringside, the referee doesn’t even see him! ONE! TWO! THREE! The winners of TAGSTRAVAGANZA… SOUTHERN DESTRUCTION!
Southern Destruction celebrate and head up the aisle, the picture cracking into shards — KABOOM! LAMBERT HANIEL! NOBODY! THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT ILL!
“THIS IS A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.”
NOVEMBER 26, 2008: The O’CONNOR BOYS face their biggest challenge in NAPW to date — “LDK” LLOYD REES and “THE EGO BUSTER” DAN RYAN! — DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICK! Sean covers Rees, one, two, Ryan breaks it up! — Lance Cove Leglock, no, Sean breaks out! BUSHMILLS DRILL! Rees is knocked silly, cover one, two… KENNY KRENSHOV pulls the referee out! Wait a minute, RAVAGER is in the ring! LAST RESORT to Rees! And… the O’Connor Boys are disqualified! Ryan & Rees win Tagstravaganza in controversial fashion!
Dan Ryan & Lloyd Rees have their hands raised in victory, dubious and not what they wanted… and the picture dissolves into a picture of GUSTAV! GRETA! ERNST! The NAPW Tag Team Champions — THE RABBLE!
NOVEMBER 18, 2010: Jake Phoenix & Donovan Astros are standing tall, the next entrant — NAPW Tag Team Champions, THE DUDES! — Hip toss! Arm drag! 7-10 SPLIT on the world champion Astros! — Mike Johnston comes off with a cross body… CAUGHT by Phoenix! FALLAWAY SLAM! — CAM POWERBOMBS MIKE ON TOP OF PHOENIX! Cam going to the top rope and the 250+ pounder flies… TOUCHDOWN! He gets the three count… — a furious Jake Phoenix lays Scott out with a thunderous CHOKESLAM! — Chris Kamikaze and Big Mitch are in next, TYPE 99! Mike Johnston breaks the fall up! SUPER NECK CRICK to Kamikaze for the three count — The FINAL TEAM in Tagstravaganza… the NEW & IMPROVED New & Improved D-X of STYLIN’ BOBBY O’BRADY AND AL “THE BEAST” THOES! — CELTIC POLAR-IZER! O’Brady up top, stopped by Cam Scott! — Johnston with a Moonsault! Scott with the TOUCHDOWN! The Dudes win TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
The fans cheer wildly as the tag champs earn the victory… the picture DYNAMITES into KERRY SAVAGE! RANDY ERICH! THE A-TEAM!
“We will, we will, we will RISE AGAIN!”
And suddenly the picture turns BLACK — and lit by a single light bulb! MATANZA! MASAKRE! LEGION!
T A G S T R A V A G A N Z A !!!
Pick up inside the POLISH HALL in Edmonton, Alberta, where the NAPW have jam-packed every seat — it’s standing room only for any latecomers! Music blasts and the iPPV cuts to the announce table!
BILL HEWSON: Good evening wrestling fans in Edmonton, Canada, and beyond! Live tonight from Edmonton Alberta and on iPPV, we are New Alberta Pro Wrestling, and THIS… is TAGSTRAVAGANZA! A celebration of tag team wrestling! I’m Bill Hewson alongside Jack “Attack” Jones, calling all the action for you LIVE.
JACK JONES: One of the toughest, most talented tag team divisions on the planet, Hewson. We have seven teams, four will make it to the main event… and only one is walking out of here with the BLUE JACKETS… and the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!
BILL HEWSON: It’s all on the line tonight, as the champions, THE RABBLE, are automatically in the four-corner main event! Six other teams will compete in qualifying matches!
JACK JONES: Win to get in!
BILL HEWSON: And it’s a stacked roster. Fan-favorites and former champs THE A-TEAM! The obnoxious, but talented PHENOMENONS! The enigmatic and dangerous THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT ILL! Hard-hitting strong style SCARS! The monstrous duo of LEGION! And the young, exciting tandem of FUTURE SHOCK!
JACK JONES: No question whoever walks out of here tonight the TAGSTRAVAGANZA winners and CHAMPIONS will have damn well earned it!
BILL HEWSON: And in our second main event, WORLD CHAMPION ABBEY GRAVES will defend the title against the maniacal JOSHUA RAPTURE. Where is the champ’s head at after the controversial disqualification loss to JAY DESCHAIN?
JACK JONES: She better get it together or Rapture may end more than her title reign! We’ve got it all tonight, Bill Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: A stacked card by any standard, and now let’s take you to FRANK WARBURTON to kick things off in the ring!
FRANK WARBURTON: It is now time for the opening contest at NAPW’s 2014 TAGSTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA! This match is one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit… and is a qualifying match for the MAIN EVENT! Introducing first…
“THANK YOU” by MTKO hits the speakers and the rowdy fans go nuts!
FRANK WARBURTON: Introduction Team number one, they weigh in tonight at a combined FOUR-hundred and EIGHTEEN pounds, Jaxon Queen and Colton Sterling… FUTURE SHOCK!!
The duo rush from the back and make sure to slap the hands of the fans lined up along ringside.
BILL HEWSON: What an opportunity tonight for FUTURE SHOCK — the opportunity to become Tag Team champions and carve their names in NAPW history in their *debut*. Three qualifying matches set for tonight, the teams chosen at random… Let’s find out who their opponents will be.
The howl of a wolf rings out, the fans again look towards the curtain…
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents, team number two, they weigh in at a combined weight of FOUR-hundred and TWENTY-seven pounds, “The American Wolf” Jason Richards and “The SoCal Switchblade” Adam Stryker… SCARS!!
The newly formed team comes out to a big ovation (maybe a notch below Future Shock’s) and just as the other team did, they make sure the fans know they are appreciated.
BILL HEWSON: And we open tonight with not only a tag team match, but a match between two fan favorite tag teams!
JACK JONES: Meh.
BILL HEWSON: What?
JACK JONES: My DVR didn’t record the ‘Game of Thrones’ Season finale.
BILL HEWSON: Huh. Well as for tonight not only is it the return of Tagstravaganza but we’ll have all the titles on the line as well! In the main event: a four-corners TAGSTRAVAGANZA match for the World Tag Team titles and the coveted blue jackets! THE RABBLE are automatically in the contest… and we will see three qualifying match-ups throughout the night to fill the other spots.
Referee Morgan Smythe calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Queen and Richards look to be starting this match off for their respective teams. The pair lock up in the center of the ring; Queen slaps on a side head lock. Richards backs Queen into the ropes and shoots him off. Shoulder block from Queen drops Richards to the mat. Queen hits the ropes and Richards is quickly back to his feet. Beautiful standing dropkick from Richards drops Queen! Queen quickly rolls to all fours and is grabbed by Richards who tags in Stryker. Double whip into the ropes — Double flapjack from Scars!
Queen struggles to get to a vertical base and takes a BRUTAL chop across the chest that spins him around. Scoop slam from Stryker. Sterling flies into the fray from nowhere with a missile dropkick onto Richards who is still in the ring. Nip up from Sterling… but Stryker clobbers Sterling across the chest with a brutal kick. The referee has his hands full as he’s busy trying to get both Richards and Sterling out of the ring.
BILL HEWSON: These two teams are about as evenly matched as you can get.
JACK JONES: I suspect SOMEONE will resort to shenanigans before this is over.
Stryker pulls Queen up but eats a jawbreaker for his trouble. Queen leaps over and tags in Sterling. Sterling Springboards off the top ropes and drills Stryker with a tornado DDT. Sterling tags in Queen, and the pair shoot Stryker into the ropes. Drop toehold from Sterling. Basement dropkick to the face from Queen. Queen pulls Stryker to his feet, pops him with a trio of short and tight forearm shots to the head and whips him into the far corner. Queen rushes in but takes a boot to the face. Stryker bursts out of the corner and turns Queen inside out with a discus clothesline. Stryker tags in Richards. Snap suplex from Stryker. Diving headbutt from the top rope from Richards. A cover but Queen kicks out at two. Queen is pulled to his feet and whipped into the ropes. Tilt-A-Whirl backbreaker to Queen. Richards tags in Stryker. Richards hoists Queen up for what looks like a powerbomb. On the way down Stryker connects with a Lungblower on Queen! A cover!
Pin broken up by Sterling!
JACK JONES: I called it! Shenanigans. Shenanigans has been called!
BILL HEWSON: Actually I’d call that great team work. Both teams breaking out some effective double-team moves, Scars almost had the win right there!
As Smythe ushers out Sterling, Richards and Stryker whip Queen into the ropes. Both men drop their heads a moment to early and Queen lands a kick that doubles over Richards! Stryker stands up, ducks a clothesline but watches as Queen leaps to tag in Sterling.
BICYCLE KICK!! Stryker hits canvas! Richards is scooped up — and slammed down onto his partner! Both men roll to the outside and Sterling heads for the high rent district! Colton Sterling takes flight from the top turnbuckle! He takes out both Richards and Stryker on the floor! The crowd lets loose a happy ‘HOLY SHIT’ chant as Sterling pulls Richards up and rolls him into the ring. Sterling slides in and covers his man.
The count is broken up when Stryker reaches into the ring and pulls Sterling off the cover. Colton boots Stryker away, then pulls Richards to his feet. Irish whip — Leg lariat from Sterling! Queen is tagged in and the pair whip Richards into the ropes. Spinning back kick to the gut from Queen. Running knee lift from Sterling. … Superman punch from Queen! Another cover!
Richards gets his foot on the bottom rope!
BILL HEWSON: Both of these teams are pulling out all the stops to advance in tonight’s tournament!
JACK JONES: Aw man!
BILL HEWSON: What?
JACK JONES: A bunch of fans just texted me the spoilers to what happened on the Game of Thrones Finale! CURSE THEM!
BILL HEWSON: Oh for…
Queen tags in Sterling, Future Shock continuing to control. Queen hooks Richards from behind. Superkick / release German suplex combo from Future Shock! Sterling pulls Richards from the mat and whips him into the ropes.
The fans are stamping their feet as Richards crawls to his corner. Sterling gets his wits about him just as Richards…
TAGS IN STRYKER! Sterling sees him coming though — SUPERKICK! Stryker catches it! He spins Sterling around and hits a modified codebreaker! Queen is in… and runs right into an Alabama Slam. Jason Richards is back in, waits for Queen to get to his feet and hits a running clothesline that takes both men over the top rope to the floor. Stryker has Sterling backed into a corner and is peppering his midsection with lefts and rights. Stryker pulls Sterling out of the corner and drills him to the mat with his Amateur Brain Surgery driver! A cover!
Sterling kicks out! Stryker pulls Sterling to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Stryker drops his head early and takes a famouser from Sterling!
BILL HEWSON: Yet ANOTHER close call! How either team can continue to kick out is beyond me!
Queen has returned to his corner and takes the tag. Queen tries to position Stryker for an electric chair but it’s broken up by Richards! All four men are in the ring and it’s mayhem! Stryker is whipped into the far corner and takes a high back drop from Queen when he staggers out of the corner. Richards drives a knee into the gut of Sterling, doubling him over. He hooks Sterling up for his JR Driver! No! Clothesline to the back of Richard’s head from Queen! Colton Sterling… backdrops Richards over the top rope and to the floor! Future Shock double whips Stryker into the ropes. Queen Tilt-A-Whirls Richards — into a tombstone piledriver position.
SUPERKICK to the head from Sterling!
TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER from Queen!!
JACK JONES: Holy hell!
BILL HEWSON: That’s gotta be all!
Stryker kicks out!
The crowd and Future Shock are stunned! Richards tries to get back into the ring — but takes a double dropkick that sends him back to the floor, banging his head on the edge of the ring! Queen signals for it and then hoists Stryker up in an electric chair position.
Shocked To The Future!!
A cover by Sterling!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners, advancing to TAGSTRAVAGANZA — FUTURE SHOCK!
BILL HEWSON: They did it! Future Shock picks up the win!
JACK JONES: Well, despite kissing the butts of the fans, they move on.
Everybody is down, breathing heavily and feeling the effects of a hard-hitting match. Richards rolls in and helps Stryker up. The four men stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for a tense moment, before all four shake hands.
BILL HEWSON: What a great display of sportsmanship!
JACK JONES: Oh geez. First Game of Thrones is ruined and NOW great sportsmanship!? This night is gonna be awful!
BILL HEWSON: We’ll disagree on that, as we always do. Coming up next… LARDO has challenged “The Perfect Storm!” Don’t close that tab!
Now on DVD, Blu-Ray and Digital Formats: NAPW SEASON 2! Featuring four nights of incredible action starting with TABLES, LADDERS & CHAMPIONSHIPS — The Tag Team Champions are crowned in a thrilling ladder match! KENTUCKY FRIED CALAMITY with the final chapter of CUZIN EDDIE vs the KENTUCKY HELLBILLIES! And the two-night CANADA CUP spectacle, featuring the World Title triple-threat between CLANCY KING, ANTON PETROV and ABBEY GRAVES… and the entire Canada Cup Tournament!
Available now from NAPW-online.com, iTunes, and other digital content platforms!
JACK JONES: So, that’s why we can’t get Cherry Coke in Canada anymore.
BILL HEWSON: I had no idea.
JACK JONES: Hey, there are reasons I don’t mess with the Okanagan Cherry Grower’s Mafia.
The fans immediately ERUPT in sheer hatred as Trivium picks up. Jay Deschain steps through the curtains, arrogant, hateful grin twisting his face. He loves it…
FRANK WARBURTON: The next match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Black Diamond Washington… weighing in TWO-hundred and forty-one pounds! He is “The Perfect Storm” — JAY DESCHAIN!
Deschain heads to the ringside, noting in particular one small boy and his dad who are beyond livid. The same boy and father who, before Canada Cup, believed in Jay more than anything. Jay pantomimes tears in their direction and rolls into the ring before springing into a pose. He twirls his finger, almost as if to say “I’ve got you ALL wrapped around this finger.”
The fans want somebody, ANYBODY to come knock this guy’s block off.
“Let me take you down…
Because I’m going to…
The gentle sounds of The Beatles replace the metallllll of Trivium, and the fans cheer wildly as the one & only LARDO pushes his way through the curtain, a determined look on his pudgy face!
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! From August Georgia, weighing in at THREE-hundred and NINETY-five pounds! He is Laurence Droese, better known as LARDO!
Lardo takes time to shake the hands of fans, and takes off his ratty bus driver’s vest, giving it to the young fan whose faith Deschain destroyed! The fan warily accepts the sweaty garment as Lardo pumps his fist in joy. Deschain is literally laughing in the ring; “The Perfect Storm” buries his head in one corner, unable to contain his mirth.
BILL HEWSON: Jay Deschain has quickly become one of the most hated men in NAPW, and he’s not taking this match seriously at all.
JACK JONES: He was challenged by LARDO. Would YOU take it seriously?
BILL HEWSON: … (sighs). We all know that Laurence Droese —
JACK JONES: LARDO.
BILL HEWSON: Is no ring technician, or high flier, or… well, really any good. I’ll admit that. But he has the biggest heart in that locker room, and even knowing how outmatched he might be tonight he challenged Jay Deschain as a result of Deschain’s actions last month in the World Title match.
JACK JONES: This match won’t change anything for Abbey Graves, it won’t save her from Deschain in the end, Hewson. All that’s going to happen is Lardo crying in the ring. Again.
Yet Lardo looks more determined, more focused than we’ve ever seen him. And he has the fans 100% behind him, chanting “LET’S GO, LARDO! CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!” Deschain finally composes himself, snorting and letting referee Stewie Lamoine check him. “Don’t even bother, I don’t need any ‘help’ with this jerk.” Lamoine shrugs and nervously calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Deschain doesn’t even move out of the corner as Lardo moves to the center, calling for a lock-up. Rolling his eyes, Deschain bends over and offers his arm to Lardo. The fan-favorite slaps on a wristlock. It’s not very effective as Deschain suddenly reverses it and cinches Lardo in with one of his own, transitioned into an elbow right into the shoulder. Lardo grimaces and Deschain switches to a hammerlock, getting behind the gelatinous grappler. Lardo tries to reach back and grab Deschain in futility…
Wham. Jay with an elbow to the back of Lardo’s head. Foot into the back of the bigger man’s knees, bringing Lardo off his feet, and Deschain gets higher on the back into a mount position… forearm shots across the face of Lardo! An elbow, more forearms, a maelstrom of vicious, brutal shots!
BILL HEWSON: I can’t even watch. Deschain is assaulting Lardo, this isn’t even a match.
JACK JONES: He made the challenge, he’s getting what he asked for! Unless you want Deschain to go EASY on Lardo…
Lardo covers-up until the referee finally makes a break. Lamoine checks on Lardo, he’s going to call the match but Deschain steps past with a bootrake to the face. Lardo rolls over, face purpling, and Deschain kicks him in the ribs. The fans are booing; they’re also disturbed. Deschain grabs a handful of greasy hair and pulls Lardo to his feet. Elbow to the side of the face is followed by an Irish whip. Clothesline sends Lardo down and Jay makes a lazy cover for one, two, Lardo kicks out!
JACK JONES: Stay down, stupid!
BILL HEWSON: More heart than sense…
JACK JONES: You mean “brains.”
BILL HEWSON: I certainly did not. Lardo is a favorite not just with the fans, but most of the locker room backstage! Abbey Graves, the World champion, is a fan… but Lardo’s sense of fair play may cost him tonight.
Jay mocks Lardo now, screaming “oh, did I HURT your friend Abbey? Is she OKAAAAAY? Huh? Come on, you bastard!” Another vicious kick to the ribs as Lardo tries to pull himself up by the ropes. Jay lashes out again, but Lardo keeps trying to take his feet. Another Irish Whip from Deschain — no. Lardo hooks an arm over the top rope and refuses to run. Deschain open hands his opponent and pulls again, but Lardo shakes his head “no.” Jay shakes his head, saying “fine, enough playing around.” He fires off another elbow —
Lardo blocks it! He connects with a right hand! Not… a very good right hand, but there’s enough meat and weight behind it to momentarily stun Deschain. Lardo now irish whips the opponent, and nearly falling over when he does it, connects with a clothesline! The fans come alive…
Only to be shut down when Deschain rolls up to his feet and, eyes flashing angrily, boots the stumbling Lardo in the side of the head. This time he hooks the leg. One, two… kick-out!
BILL HEWSON: There’s still life in him, but Lardo is overmatched. He tries so damn hard…
JACK JONES: And fails! That’s the life lesson Jay Deschain is teaching here, sometimes you try and try and try and it DOESN’T. MATTER. It doesn’t make you GOOD.
However, Jay is running into one of the only problems he has against Laurence Droese.
Lardo is simply too fat for Deschain to utilise much of his moveset against.
“The Perfect Storm” connects with another forearm shiver to Lardo’s bruised face, but he momentarily seems unsure what to do. And in that moment, Lardo suddenly comes alive with a DUSTY ELBOW! Deschain bumps and pops up, another Dusty elbow! Hits the canvas and rolls up, surprised, as Lardo yells “COME ON!” Another Dusty elbow to the forehead of Deschain, and Lardo tries to sit on the fallen Deschain…
Nobody home. Deschain has had ENOUGH of this farce! He hits the ropes!
DROP TOE-HOLD BY LARDO!
BILL HEWSON: BY GOD! DROP TOE! DROP TOE! DROP TOOOOOEEE!
JACK JONES: WHAT?!
The fans have lost their collective crap as Lardo sits, blinking, unsure of what to do next! Deschain hit the canvas hard, face-first — he might be OUT. Lamoine yells at Lardo “What are you doing?!” The fans are yelling “cover him!” Lardo rolls on top of Deschain!
A collective, sad sigh from the audience. Lardo awkwardly gets to his feet, pulling Deschain up. Irish whip — Deschain abruptly reverses! Lardo bounces off the ropes into the TORNADO BUSTER spinebuster. And the “Perfect Storm” is ANGRY.
JACK JONES: He only made him mad!
Deschain is done screwing around. “Get up! Get up you piece of garbage!” Jay spews insults and obscenities at Lardo as the big man somehow gets to his feet. Without hesitation (or mercy), Jay NAILS him with the Rolling Blackout. Lardo drops like a stone and Deschain covers for one, two, three.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… JAY DESCHAIN!
BILL HEWSON: A noble effort by Laurence Droese, but “The Perfect Storm” was simply too much to contain — oh hey now, wait a minute! Come on, the match is over!
JACK JONES: Deschain was amused before, Hewson. Now? He’s been insulted, and somebody’s going to pay! … That somebody is Lardo.
BILL HEWSON: I know that, but this is totally uncalled for! You beat the man NO! Another ROLLING BLACKOUT! Lardo is down and out, he’s barely conscious and… the HIGH TIDE LOCK! Deschain is trying to break Lardo in half!
Deschain somehow gets the beefy legs grapevined and locks on his painful variant of the Sharpshooter! Droese screams in pain and taps the canvas but the match is long over, it does no good. Lamoine tries to pry Deschain off but “The Perfect Storm” will not budge…
BILL HEWSON: ABBEY GRAVES! THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Abbey Goddamn Graves has seen ENOUGH and hits the ring at full speed! She flies at Deschain with a running kick — but Deschain dives out of the way and bails out of the ring. Graves snatches at air, but doesn’t pursue. She immediately checks on her friend Droese, eyes flashing up the aisle towards “The Perfect Storm.”
BILL HEWSON: Abbey Graves must defend her World Title tonight, against the dangerous Joshua Rapture… but will her mind be on the match with everything Deschain has done to her and now her friends?
Deschain looks incredibly pleased with himself, laying a finger aside his nose and pointing to Graves. He knows something she doesn’t… or at least, wants her and us to think that. Graves shouts profanities at him before helping Lardo up to his feet. The fans give the big man applause…
And Deschain grins.
BILL HEWSON: The mind games continue, but thankfully, Abbey Graves shows her heart is still in the right place. Lardo will live to lard another day! Up next, we will hear from the injured KRIS JACOBSON!
Check out the NAPW YouTube channel for promos, highlights, recaps, breaking news, and COMPLETE MATCHES from the NAPW library! June’s feature — all five previous TAGSTRAVAGANZA matches, in their entirety, streaming free! Plus, stay tuned for a recap of TAGSTRAVAGANZA 2014 in our weekly news briefing! NAPW on YouTube – What’s Your Excuse?
“HERE WE ARE
BORN TO BE KINGS
WE’RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!”
The fans react to the familiar song, which could only mean one person…
And just like they predicted, OUT comes Kris Jacobson! He looks, well, different; wearing a pair of glasses, hair tied up in a ponytail. That and he’s dressed in his street clothes. Let’s not forget he’s walking with a sling over his right arm. He throws his good arm up which gains him a lot of cheers and begins to make his way down to the ring, slapping the hands along the way. Kris gets into the ring, gingerly, protecting his arm a bit and then asks for a microphone. Before he can…
“LION-HEART!!” “LION-HEART!!” “LION-HEART!!!”
Kris flashes a small, modest smile and nods his head some. He asks for them to calm down a little so he can get it out.
Kris Jacobson: So as most of you know…I wasn’t put on the card this month.
The fans boo, Kris blinks a bit and chuckles to himself before speaking again.
Kris Jacobson: Yeah, I wish I was on this card, because the matches tonight are AMAZING!! And I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world you guys!!
The fans give a cheer, obviously agreeing with Kris. A stacked card like this? You got to be brain dead NOT wanting to see all of this.
Kris Jacobson: But, the doctors told me to take this show off. Last month, in that big match, I did a lot of stuff, a lot of dangerous stuff. Actually I’ve been pretty beat up for awhile, but I didn’t want to miss one show, because NAPW has started to become a place I love to perform in. But last show, I had a really bad pain in my right arm, so we went to the hospital and they found I had a stress fracture in my forearm. So he told me to take a couple of weeks off…
His pauses for a moment and paces the ring, the fans get behind him. No need to feel down, and the fans let’em know.
Kris Jacobson: I really wish I could be in that battle royale for that world title shot. It would have meant the world to me to try and get my hands on something so awesome. But with my arm banged up, I can’t. And it’s a tough pill to swallow right now, but I know my health comes first, but DAMN do I hate being away from you guys. But y’know something, maybe it isn’t so much of a waste. Because even if I can’t be in it, I know something who can. Someone I can trust, someone who I know will do his best, someone who’s been waiting for an opportunity for YEARS!! That person…?!
Kris turns towards the ropes near the entrance.
Kris Jacobson: “THE LION” —
The fans erupt, and Kris face turns bright.
Kris Jacobson: CHASE! JACOBSON!!!
The sounds of an acoustic guitar are heard. The continue to play for twenty seconds… before…
“Old man, look at my life…
I’m a lot like you were…
Old man, look at my life
I’m a lot like you were…”
“Old Man” by Neil Young plays and the fans are going INSANE. Chase Jacobson comes out to a cheer from the crowd. He raises his arm up, heading down to the ring slapping hands with the fans and shaking hands. The fans are really in for a treat, a Canadian wrestling legend getting in the ring with the young guys?! Awesome times ten! Chase climbs the stairs of the ring, wipes his feet and gets inside. Kris smiles at his dad and the two embrace slightly. Chase checks to make sure his son’s arm is fine, Kris assures him that everything is okay. Kris points to the fans, really loving their reaction to his father. Kris places the microphone down he looks at his dad one last time, and then offers him the spotlight.
Kris Jacobson: It’s all yours, Dad.
Kris exits the ring and lets his dad take it all in. Chase places his hands on his hips and looks at the crowd cheering his name. Chase nods his head, clearly moved from their response.
“LET’S GO LION!!” clap-clap clapclapclap “LET’S GO LION!!” clap-clap clapclapclap “LET’S GO LION!!” clap-clap clapclapclap
BILL HEWSON: “The Lion” Chase Jacobson — coming out of retirement tonight, world title shot on the line! Can you believe it?
JACK JONES: Maybe *I* should be in the Battle Royale if this is how we’re playing it…
BILL HEWSON: A tough spot for Kris Jacobson to be in, unable to compete this month. But now it’s time for “The Lion” to show the NAPW Nation just where Kris learned it all from!
“Old Man” plays again as Chase poses for the crowd, making the “I want the belt” motion around his waist. But really, he looks thrilled just to be in the damn ring once more!
Get your NAPW merchandise at shows or online at NAPW-online.com! Wear the colors of the champ with the ‘ABBEY “GODDAMN” GRAVES” t-shirt! Buy the Andellion Moonwater mask! The A-Team giant high-fivin’ hands! And of course, all your latest DEVINE ARMY merchandise! Support your favorites and show your pride in pro wrestling!
A moment of silence. A hush, in the otherwise loud, raucous arena. And then, rather than darkness, brilliant light. Not just flashbulbs, not just house lights, but a veritable blinding explosion of light! The sun had arrived, and it was pissed! White light scorched retinas, damaged cameras, set alight the minds and skin and photographic film within the arena, enough to herald the end of the damn world! And then… Slayer. Guitarwork like no one else on this blighted, blasted blue orb..
And in the background, that hummed vocal lead-in. The most bizarre song goin’, “South of the Grapevine”, that Marvin Gaye/Slayer mashup was playing. And with the arena so blindingly brightly white, it wasn’t really obvious just where the incoming threat was.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is a QUALIFYING match-up for TAGSTRAVAGANZA! Introducing first, at a total combined weight of FIVE-hundred and TWENTY-three pounds… LAMBERT HANIEL! NOBODY! The team of…
Warburton pauses, as mercifully, the light fades. A set of red, orange and yellow spotlights turn on, rolling over the arena in that frantic, before one in particular shines down on the crowd. Not the entryway ramp. That was for saps. No, this light illuminates the middle of the floor seats, back where the vision was pretty bad. Standing on a chair, head fallen back, one hand held into the air, is a vision in white. Two of them, actually.
The man standing on the chair has his head hanging backwards, eyes closed, face turned to the sky. That hand in the air claws at the air, the Heavens, the great reward above. In his typical white linen jacket, wearing a tee-shirt with the #TAGSTRAVAGANZA logo emblazoned across the chest, Lambert looks stylin’. He makes it WORK.
Beside him, her fists clenched, her shoulders squared, stands the monolith of mutilation, Nobody. She’s dressed on a white fight robe, the hood up, her blank white mask hiding her face. With a grim set to her stance, Nobody looks as serious and as monstrous as Lambert looked divinely inspired.
Lambert Haniel: TONIGHT…
His voice booms out of his throat like the voice of God himself.
Lambert Haniel: I LEAD YOU EARTHLINGS… CANADIANS… HUMAN BEINGS… TO THE RIVER. IF YOU BELIEVE MY WORDS, AND IF YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO… YOU’LL DRINK.
He hops down from the chair, landing nimbly in the aisle. Working his arms back and forth, shaking his head out and generally trying to loosen up, Lambert begins to head down the path directly towards the ring. With heavy footfalls shaking the land behind him, Nobody follows.
The two make their way down to the ring. Lambert vaults the barricade nimbly, a few fans patting him on the back as he does, and in one smooth motion, Lambert throws his shoulders back, dropping the jacket right off him and to the floor. A hand grabs the back of the neck of his shirt, and he nips that right off, before tossing it into the crowd.
Nobody undoes the sash of her fight robe and lets it fall away as well.
FRANK WARBURTON: THEY ARE… THOSE WHO WOULD INFLICT IIIIIILLLLLLL!
The two walk up to the ring, and climb right up onto the apron. Lambert turns, opening his hand and turning to face the fans with a grin.
BILL HEWSON: Our second TAGSTRAVAGANZA qualifying match of the evening. We know that FUTURE SHOCK will move onto the main event to challenge THE RABBLE. How about this enigmatic tandem?
JACK JONES: First you’ve got the suave, surprisingly dangerous “Time-Travelling Intergalactic Lord of all Funk & Love”… Unpredictable, agile, and an excellent striker. As for his partner, well, I live in constant fear and dread of her.
BILL HEWSON: Nobody one of the biggest wrestlers on the NAPW roster, an inch shy of seven feet tall, two-hundred and eighty pounds. And fearless.
JACK JONES: Right, she has less fear, we have MORE fear.
BILL HEWSON: They’ve good a chance as any to win it all tonight, but first they have to get by their opponents… let’s find out who that could be —
Annnnnnnd lights out.
“Writhe” by American Headcharge blasts from the speakers! The fans scream, flashbulbs pop. There seems to be a commotion —
LEGION are in the ring!
And here. We. Go!
BILL HEWSON: Referee Stewie Lamoine calling for the bell because MASAKRE and MATANZA aren’t waiting for it! Those That Would Inflict Ill versus Legion, winner into Tagstravaganza!
JACK JONES: This may be the only team on the roster that could counter Nobody’s sheer size and power — Masakre is a beast, and Matanza might not be a monster in PHYSICAL size, but his wrestling style sure is!
BILL HEWSON: This is going to be a barn-burner!
The ref is helplessly trying to enforce order, but nobody is listening to him. Not these wrestlers! Immediately Masakre attacking Nobody as Matanza stalks the slippery Lambert Haniel. Nobody, not intimidated in the least, fires back. They exchange blows, neither competitor even trying to block or counter, just absorbing heavy, HEAVY shots and giving right back! Matanza swings at Haniel, who ducks. Haniel with a quick shot, Matanza grabs the hand and twists into a luchadore-style armbar before lowering the boom. Elbow drop, Haniel nips up, clothesline, Haniel limbos underneath and sweeps the leg of the Brawluchadore! Haniel with a spinning leg drop!
JACK JONES: Lamoine needs to settle this down into a tag match, we don’t even have a legal person on either team! Come on you goon!
BILL HEWSON: Legendary NAPW referee Dick Kiebiech would have a hard time controlling this lot.
Haniel irish whips Matanza, reversed! Haniel almost crashes into NOBODY, but skids to a stop. Nobody, impossibly, has Masakre on the ropes, taking over, when Matanza clotheslines Haniel from behind, knocking the funky one into Nobody! She doesn’t exactly budge, but turns her masked, blank gaze backwards towards Matanza…
A distraction which allows Masakre to headbutt her in the stomach. Matanza hits the ropes and flies with a wild crossbody into Nobody, who CATCHES him, but Masakre then clotheslines BOTH OF THEM over the top rope! Masakre turns — into a leg lariat by Haniel! He covers, and Lamoine determines Masakre and Haniel to be the legal men. One —
And only one as Masakre throws Mr. Intergalactic across the ring. Haniel rushes Masakre, but it’s SNAP POWERSLAM from the beast! No cover this time as Masakre grabs Haniel and roughly hoists him up — OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY! Haniel skids to a corner ass-over-teakettle. He pulls himself up, leaning over the turnbuckle. RUNNING SPLASH FROM MASAKRE!! Haniel whispers in another language, twirls his mustache, and collapses on the canvas.
BILL HEWSON: How do you prepare for somebody that runs on pure instinct like Masakre?
NOBODY RUNS MASAKRE OVER.
JACK JONES: That’s one way!
The blank-faced woman, towering over everybody in the ring, picks Masakre up in an astounding show of power. She roars! POWERSLAM into the turnbuckles! Into the OPPOSITE turnbuckles… and finally plants Masakre into the centre ring with a thunderous Oklahoma Stampede! Nobody can’t cover, but Maskare isn’t staying down anyway. On the outside, Matanza is finally crawling out of the crowd… where Nobody threw him! The mysterious luchadore maniac, however, doesn’t come to the aid of his partner, as Nobody chokes Masakre with her size Nth boot in the corner. She whips Masakre HARD into the far corner, momentarily stunning the monster. Her next move?
To grab a floppy Lambert Haniel and use him as a SPEAR into Maskare! Masakre steps out and gets pulled up into a TORTURE RACK!
JACK JONES: Holy crap! How strong IS this woman?!
BILL HEWSON: Over three-hundred pounds on her shoulders, Nobody threatening to break Masakre in half! We’ve never seen him man-handled like this, but… Nobody isn’t the legal wrestler.
JACK JONES: I don’t know if Masakre understands the concept of “giving up” anyhoo, but — Ahh!
BILL HEWSON: MATANZA!!
The crowd may not like, or may be afraid, of BOTH teams, but they are digging the action here. Matanza picks his spot, springboard crossbody block into Nobody!
And… she remains standing. Matanza thuds into her. However, it’s enough for her to lose enough balance that Maskare drops off her shoulders. In a rare display of teamwork, LEGION unleash a TOTAL ELIMINATION style high-low combo that finally, amazingly, knocks Nobody to the canvas! Matanza turns —
Into a SICK hooking roundhouse from Haniel!
JACK JONES: And now Matanza understands the Internal Monologue of a Cat!
Maskare grabs Haniel for a Gargoyle Suplex, Haniel throwing wild elbows, Masakre shrugs them off and tosses him! Haniel bounces three times into a corner, CORNER CHARGE!
Nobody home! Haniel nimbly pops to the top rope, double axe handle smash to Masakre succeeds in knocking the big man down! But he can’t account for Matanza who nails him with a chop to the throat. Irish whip, CLOTHESLINE, Haniel ducks! Handspring rebound off the ropes — NAILS That Reversal Kick to the face of Matanza! Haniel surveys the scene as Nobody is back to her feet, a picture of serene rage. Haniel gets loose, he gets funky, and whips Masakre to the ropes. Nobody pancake tosses the beast into the air — DROPKICK to Masakre’s head on the way down by Haniel! Nobody then press slams her partner up high, ON TOP OF Masakre!
Hooks the leg!
Masakre kicks out!
BILL HEWSON: Since becoming a team, nobody has pinned Masakre or Matanza! LEGION lost their shot at tag title gold last month when they were disqualified… what’s it going to take?
JACK JONES: Well, nobody has pinned Haniel or Nobody either — I don’t know if ANYBODY can pin Nobody! Also, that sentence hurt my brain.
BILL HEWSON: Walk it off, because this match has not stopped!
Lamoine begging anybody to listen to him — and suddenly, Nobody is in her corner, holding the tag rope. Lamoine gets in Matanza’s way, and the masked luchaGORE strangely listens, eyeing Nobody through his mask’s eyeholes. For the first time in the match, the two legal men are the only competitors in the ring. And Haniel waits for Masakre to get to his feet… hits the ropes! Running spinning back elbow smash! Haniel drops to the corner, unable to contain his energy, dancing on his tip toes as Masakre rises to one knee…
MATANZA WITH THE MACHETE TO HANIEL!
Out of nowhere, Matanza with a monstrous diving lariat onto the running Timelord/Funky Lover! Nobody steps into the ring! Lamoine looks ready to weep!
JACK JONES: I think we had a regular tag match for twelve seconds.
BILL HEWSON: If Haniel had hit that knee like he did last month, this would be over. WAIT A MINUTE NOBODY WITH MATANZA — OH MY GOD!!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
CHOKESLAM OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR! The crowd loses their kumquats!!
Masakre charges Nobody — “The Sleeping One” doing anything but, she tosses Masakre over the top onto the floor too! LEGION both on the outside and Haniel shakes the cobwebs loose. He waits, waits, watches, hits the ropes for velocity!
BILL HEWSON: Everybody is down! Masakre, Matanza, Lambert Haniel, all down on the outside. Referee Lamoine finally exercising some authority, beginning to count-out Legion HOLY HANNAH!
JACK JONES: INCOMING!
NOBODY WITH A NO-HANDS OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE PLANCHA!!
There is nobody left standing, not even, uh, Nobody. Lamoine resets his count as all four wrestlers are outside. Nobody and Masakre grab hold of the other’s head, cold-cocking each other as they rise. They give NO fucks, people! Matanza chokes Haniel on the guard rail! Masakre and Nobody destroying each other up the aisle as Lamoine continues to count both teams out!
MATANZA RUNS THE GUARDRAIL AND DIVES ONTO NOBODY WITH ANOTHER MACHETE! Nobody stumbles, does not go down, but Masakre grabs her! He struggles, trying to T-BONE suplex her! Nobody lowers the boom, clubbing his kidneys! Matanza charges! Nobody and both members of LEGION trying to seemingly destroy one another…
JACK JONES: THIS IS AMAZING.
BILL HEWSON: Unbelievable! Wait a minute, Jack Attack, Lamoine’s count is at nine! Everybody is in the aisle! What!
Lamoine counts to TEN. He turns around to call for the bell —
and gawks, mouth moving silently, at Lambert Haniel relaxing inside the ring. He’s got his head propped on a fist, one knee bent up in a pose of supreme relaxation, as he sips his Pina Colada.
A Pina Colada.
In a pineapple cup.
With a little umbrella.
And an over-the-top twisty straw.
Lamoine looks back to the carnage in the aisle, back to Haniel, back to the bodies, BACK to Haniel. Lambert gives him a saucy wink, and Lamoine calls for the bell.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners by count-out… THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT ILL!
BILL HEWSON: But he was — on the other side of the ring — and how could he —
JACK JONES: Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk, Hewson! Lambert Haniel — he’s intergalactic, baby!
BILL HEWSON: I never even saw him move… by some hook or crook or miracle, Lambert Haniel beat the count into the ring, and Those That Would Inflict Ill move on into TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
JACK JONES: Somebody needs to tell LEGION and NOBODY this match is, uh, over! You do it, Hewson!
Here comes security! Matanza, realizing what has resulted, suddenly slaps Maskare across the face and grabs him by an ear. Masakre snorts but allows Matanza to take him away. Nobody looks like she would like a bigger piece, but for the moment, doesn’t destroy the nervous security guards getting between the monsters.
BILL HEWSON: The Rabble — Future Shock — Those That Would Inflict Ill — and the final qualifier will be the A-TEAM versus the PHENOMENONS. Three of four teams set for TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
JACK JONES: And the night is still young, Hewson.
In the ring, Lambert Haniel enjoys his delicious Pina Colada, putting the ridiculous straw between his lips.
JACK JONES: Hey, where’s my pina colada?
BILL HEWSON: They ran out of umbrellas. Those That Would Inflict Ill move onto the main event. Now let’s take you backstage, where our Canadian Heritage Champion SAMMY DEVINE is standing by!
We catch up to Sammy Devine backstage. The Canadian Heritage Champion looks intently into the camera.
Sammy Devine: Tonight we answer a lot of questions. We answer if my win for the Canadian Heritage Championship last month was a fluke, or if I’m here to stay. We answer if Sammy Devine can handle this new challenger in ‘Bruiser’ Breton. But most of all, we answer if ‘Bruiser’ can take an ass kicking.
Sammy unbuckles his Championship belt from around his waist and drapes it over his left shoulder.
Sammy Devine: I won’t lie, this match has become somewhat personal for me. Breton you hit a nerve in your promos and you made me and this championship to be beneath you somehow. I have no doubt that I’m going to get beat up tonight. You only have to look at the stature of this ‘Bruiser’ Breton and know that this is going to be a fight, not a wrestling match. But I’m okay with that.
Sammy takes the belt from his shoulder and looks at it.
Sammy Devine: Only one of us is walking out of Tagstravaganza as Champion Breton and I promise you it’ll be me. I didn’t go through all I have over the last few months to simply lose this belt in my first title defense. I have a feeling that our match tonight will be a hard hitting affair and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You wanted a fight Breton and by God I’ll give you one.
Sammy smiles as he places the belt back upon his shoulder.
Sammy Devine: So bring your best ‘Bruiser’, because I damn sure will bring mine.
Sammy walks away and we’re left looking at the NAPW banner hanging from the wall.
Frank Warburton stands mid-ring, not sure about what’s next. A Rabble Rouser enters the ring and hands him a note. Warburton reads it, and shakes his head in disgust. We can clearly see him mouth the word “NO”. We hear the Rouser say: “Terry Brandon said you have to read it!” Warburton sighs and raises his mic to his mouth.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the NAPW is proud to present what will surely become the greatest interview segment in wrestling history. By the end of this, Piper’s Pit is going to look like a mentally challenged monkey screaming at- I’m not reading this!
Rabble Rouser: Read it!
FRANK WARBURTON: (shaking his head) So give up your preconceived notions of what good television is and prepare yourselves for…
Warburton nearly injures himself rolling his eyes back so far.
FRANK WARBURTON: GABBIN’ WITH GUSTAV!!
Oh yes, there are boos. “Nymphomania” blares as Gustav dances his way to the ring.
BILL HEWSON: This wasn’t on my call sheet.
JACK JONES: History changing moments never are. Now prepare for something awesome.
Gustav takes the mic from a disgusted Warburton.
Gustav: Hello Edmonton! Welcome to the first of what will be many, many, MANY episodes of Gabbin’ With Gustav! Each show I will chat with the best and brightest the NAPW has to offer!
The fans boo half-heartedly. Seriously?
Gustav: Well, except this week. This week I’m turning the clock back. You see, This is not the first TAGSTRAVAGANZA. That one was won by two gentlemen who would go on to become legends. Legendary chokers. They blew their TAGSTRAVAGANZA title shot. And the one after it. They blew three before they won it. And when they finally scraped together a title win, they barely held it a month. And now I bring them here to see how real champions defend their belts. Ladies and gentlemen, the very first Tagstravaganza champs: “The Irish Adonis” BOBBY O’BRADY and “The Scottish Wrecking Machine” AL THOES — The CELTIC ASSASSINS!
Big pop for the Celts, who emerge from the curtains… looking less than impressed with Gustav. Thoes & O’Brady enter the ring and stare daggers at their much smaller host.
Gustav: Good day gentlemen. I trust your flight was enjoyable?
Bobby O’Brady: If I knew we were being flown in just ta be insulted, we-
Gustav: Ja, I bet you two never flew first class before. Maybe if you won more titles you could afford to. Luckily I am generous to my guests.
BILL HEWSON: First class? How can he afford that? Their father cut off their money!
JACK JONES: Shh. History. Happening. In the ring.
Al Thoes: Aye, you were mighty generous, but that dinnae mean you can insult us! We worked very hard in the original NAPW…
Gustav: Which closed down. Now the new NAPW is here. And I noticed no invites to rejoin?
Bobby O’Brady: Listen ye wee beggar! We’ve seen what you and yer family have been up to. You may have titles, but yer no champions. And you’re certainly no match for the Celtic Assassins.
Gustav: Oh Herr Bobby, we haven’t been considered a “match” for anyone. And yet we keep winning. And tonight, The Rabble wins again. And you two will have first class seats to watch. And then you’ll have first class seats on the plane back to your empty lives, where you can continue to marvel at what great tag team wrestling you saw. Because it has been proven again and again, there is NOBODY, past or present, better than THE RABBLE!
“THE HEAT IS ON!”
With that, Glenn Frey booms over the PA system — and the duo of stunning Kerry Savage along with his partner ravishing Randy Erich rush the ring. They slide under the bottom rope and run to each corner of the ring holding their arms high to thunderous applause. Gustav looks unamused. Gustav crosses his arms as Randy walks over to him. Randy smirks but Gustav starts the exchange.
Gustav: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…
Before Gustav even knows what is going on Kerry has his own microphone.
Kerry Savage: NOBODY? Did you just say nobody?
Gustav: It appears you don’t speak English. We are the undefeated NAPW. Champions. We are the most decorated champions in history. We have held the Snickers, Taco Time, and Mickey Mouse Titles. What have you done in your short time in the NAPW?
Randy grabs the mic off of Kerry and gets in Gustav’s face.
Randy Erich: We’ve…
Gustav cuts him off hastily.
Gustav: I didn’t want to know that bad. So B-Team what do you have planned? Are you bringing that lovely sister of yours to the ring?
Kerry has to pull Randy back from almost tearing him a new one.
Gustav: What are you even doing out here? You have not won a match since…
Kerry grabs the mic off of Gustav.
Kerry Savage: I think the crowd has had enough of your chatter. You think you are untouchable.
Gustav smiles and starts dancing for no apparent reason in front of Kerry. Randy is more than agitated. He then pushes Gustav to the cheers of the fans. Gustav almost falls over but then gets in the face of Randy. We can hear some of what Gustav is saying.
Gustav: Get them! GET THEM!!!
Gustav motions over to the RABBLE ROUSERS around the ring. Gustav is standing in the middle of the ring with a confused look on his face. The rousers disrobe…
It is Dr. Frank’s cast of characters!!
Gustav looks worried.
JACK JONES: GUSTAV!! GET OUT OF THE RING!
BILL HEWSON: Is that Dr. Frank?
A person turns around and slowly walks to the ring. Gustav doesn’t realize the person is getting in the ring. The A-Team now has Gustav right where they want him.
Kerry Savage: You know, Gustav, we have waited for this moment since we lost the titles.
Randy Erich: We wanted to extract vengeance for what you did to Cyndi.
Gustav has a worried look on his face begging off the former tag champions.
Randy Erich: Oh don’t worry. We aren’t going to harm you. We want a fair match when we face you tonight. Oh yes, we will face you tonight.
Kerry Savage: Tonight’s the night we redeem ourselves.
Randy Erich: There is going to be some slammin’ and jammin’!
Kerry Savage: Rockin’ and sockin’!
Gustav motions for the mic. Randy hands it over. Gustav says in a descending tone.
Gustav: Prancin’ and dancin’?
Randy and Kerry shake their head and act like they are about to punch Gustav.
Gustav: Ah, ah, ah…
Gustav shakes his finger towards the A-Team
Gustav: You said you wouldn’t hurt me.
Kerry Savage: That is right. *WE* aren’t going to hurt you.
The cloaked figure thought to be Dr. Frank takes off the robes. Underneath, iit is Cyndi Savage with a purse in her hand. The A-Team smiles as the place erupts with cheers. Gustav is unaware that he is about to get clobbered.
BILL HEWSON: That’s Cyndi Savage! Kerry’s sister and there is a purse in her hand.
JACK JONES: That’s a foreign object Hewson. The A-Team needs to be disqualified from the tournament.
With that Cyndi drops to one knee and delivers a powerful low blow with her purse. Gustav doubles over in pain holding his nether regions. A brick falls out of her purse. Gustav is still hunched over as the A-Team give high fives to the Celtic Assassins as they leave the ring.
Thoes takes advantage of a bent over Gustav. The crowd knows what is about to happen next.
JACK JONES: NO! He’s got to wrestle tonight!
Thoes sets Gustav up in the Vertebreaker position… O’Brady to the top rope. And the fans remember this…
BILL HEWSON: CELTIC CRUSHER!!
O’Brady with the double stomp assists the Vertebreaker, and Gustav is nearly broken in half, much to the fans delight. Greta and Ernst make their way to ringside, (Greta doesn’t really rush) and Gustav’s limp body is dragged out of the ring. Greta can be heard to say (rather unsympathetically) “Oh no, we were too late.”
BILL HEWSON: Well, Gustav got a history lesson tonight from The Celtic Assassins! And The A-Team are back with a vengeance!
JACK JONES: And Gustav provides a history making moment!
BILL HEWSON: Indeed. It looks like The Rabble’s main advantage is gone, there’s no element of surprise tonight. Gustav has to be out of Tagstravaganza!. But I still want to know — where did he get the money to fund this farce?
Jack Jones has no answer. The fans applaud as the Celts celebrate with The A-Team in the ring,
Get your tickets now for upcoming NAPW events! July and August will be HOT with the summer heat — and action! And then, in September, NAPW announces the return of the 30-man elimination match known only as… SOLE SURVIVOR!
SOLE SURVIVOR returns in September! WHO WILL SURVIVE?
JACK JONES: … a bad stomach ache.
BILL HEWSON: You ate the entire bowl of fruit before you realized it was all plastic?
JACK JONES: I used to smoke three packs a day, I only recently started tasting stuff again.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for ONE FALL… and it is for the NAPW HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP!
The lights dim as “Born in the Bayou” hits the speakers.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, the challenger. Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED and SEVENTY SEVEN pounds. From Crowley, LOUISIANA! BRUISEEEEEER… BRETON!
BRUISER BRETON pushes aside the curtains and strides onto the stage to jeering from the crowd. He smirks and looks over the NAPW fans, then starts his way down the ramp to the ring.
JACK JONES: Bruiser Breton scares me, Hewson. He’s got some kind of weird voodoo thing going. And I think that might make the difference tonight.
BILL HEWSON: I don’t know about that, Jack Attack, but I do know that Breton is an imposing competitor – and he’ll be a tough first defense for Sammy Devine.
JACK JONES: I’m telling, you. Voodoo.
Breton climbs into the ring, then goes over and climbs one of the corner turnbuckles and makes a motion around his waist. The implication is clear – he intends to leave with a belt tonight.
“Baby I’m a Star” and Prince herald the champion he’ll have to dethrone.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent. Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED and TWENTY FIVE pounds. From Tulsa, OKLAHOMA! He is YOUR NAPW HERITAGE CHAMPION! “The STAAAAAAARMAKER.” SAMMY! DEEEEEVINE!
The crowd pops big for SAMMY DEVINE as he erupts from the curtains, wearing a Devine Army hoodie and the shiny NAPW Heritage Title belt! He rushes into the ring, slides in, and hits one of the corners as he tugs off the belt. The crowd cheers as he stands on the turnbuckles, holding his hard won title high overhead.
BILL HEWSON: It was a long road, but last month, the Starmaker FINALLY captured some NAPW gold.
JACK JONES: Fifth… sixth time’s a charm, I guess. But will he be a one-hit wonder? Because he doesn’t have voodoo, Hewson.
Devine hops down from the corner, handing off the belt to referee Martin Chan and shrugging out of his hoodie. Chan holds the belt up for Breton, then Devine, then the crowd to a big cheer. Both men have their eyes locked in the ring… and both are smiling, but the intense smiles of two men about to do battle.
AND THERE’S THE BELL!
Sammy and Breton both immediately lock up in the middle of the ring. Bruiser is bigger and probably stronger… but Devine’s quick and skilled, and he manages to slip around into a hammerlock. Breton winces, then manages to power himself around and takes a swing at Devine. The Starmaker ducks, spins, and transitions into a sweet legsweep that topples Breton with a cry of surprise. Devine hits the ropes for a rebound… but Breton rolls aside before Devine can launch an attack on him! Devine continues through to the opposite ropes, and Breton rises and launches himself off the perpendicular, going to cut off Sammy with a lariat… but Devine slides under his legs and kips up! Breton spins around, fists raised and the two men stop – squared off. The crowd cheers and applauds!
BILL HEWSON: Looks like a stalemate on the opening exchange!
JACK JONES: I’ll hand it to Devine, he’s got technique! But Breton is made of fists, and it’s only a matter of time before he lands a huge game-changing move.
Bruiser and Devine both circle each other. Someone girl in the crowd shouts “STARMAKER” and that sets off a chant.
“Let’s go Sammy! *clap, clap, clap clap clap” Let’s go Sammy! *clap,clap, clap clap clap.*
Both men stop and Breton glares out at the crowd angrily. Sammy smiles and claps along with the Devine Army, urging them onward.
“LET’S GO SAMMY! *clap, clap, clap clap clap*”
Bruiser snorts and squares off again, ignoring the crowd. Devine is grinning as the two circle each other again – and lock back up. This time, Breton immediately presses his size advantage, driving Devine back toward the corner. Chan quickly breaks them up, but Bruiser only steps back far enough to unload with a THUNDEROUS chop across Devine’s chest. Sammy recoils violently, rubbing his chest, then glances out at the crowd. “DAMN! That smarts!” Breton unloads a second chop that people in the back row are wincing at. Sammy clutches at his chest and staggers forward a bit. Breton swings with his big Hansen Lariat… but Devine slips under it and hits the ropes… only to get caught mid-ring with a HUGE Anderson-style Spinebuster! The crowd groans audibly.
JACK JONES: I told you, Hewson! Bruiser only needs to hit you once!
He seems to agree with Jack, as he steps on the Starmaker’s chest and orders Chan to count. 1! Only one and the Starmaker kicks out. Breton smirks and reaches down, pulling Devine to his feet, then scooping him up and planting him in the ring again with his British Bulldog Powerslam. He then backs to the corner… gets a running start… Brody Knee Drop! Bruiser Breton hooks the leg!
BILL HEWSON: The Starmaker isn’t out of it yet!
Two count and the Starmaker kicks out again to a cheer from the crowd. Bruiser holds up three fingers to Chan with a glare, but the referee shakes his head and assures him, it was only two. With another glare, Breton rises to his feet and unloads a few angry stomps on Devine, then stalks over the corner and pulls himself up in the corner.
JACK JONES: I think this is over, Hewson!
RACE DIVING HEADBUTT!
RIGHT INTO SAMMY DEVINE’S FOOT!
Bruiser’s head snaps off Devine’s foot and he crumbles to his knees, staring into the beyond with glassy eyes. Then, he topples sideways with a crash!
JACK JONES: No! Use your voodoo powers!
BILL HEWSON: Breton’s offence has been stopped dead… but Devine needs to capitalize!
Martin Chan is counting both men down. 1! 2! 3! Breton begins to stir as the crowd starts clapping and chanting. “STAR-MAKE-ER! STAR-MAKE-ER!” 4! 5! Sammy’s foot starts bobbing along with the chant! 6! 7! And Sammy Devine kips up with a roar, fired up! Breton has risen back up looking woozy… he turns and his eyes bug out as Sammy Devine comes off the ropes with a big Spinning Heel Kick that sends Bruiser staggering back… but Sammy catches him… STARMAKER into the middle of the ring! Bruiser’s arms and legs spasm as Devine runs up the ringpost… and comes flying off the top!
Breton thrashes and Devine goes for the pin! The crowd is on it’s feet!
KICKOUT WITH AUTHORITY!
Devine is powered right off of Bruiser, who quickly rolls over, clutching his chest, and putting some distance between them. The Cajun powerhouse rises to his feet, not seeing the Starmaker hoving up behind him… ready… the crowd cheering…
JACK JONES: Denied!
Bruiser THROWS himself backward into the ropes, avoiding the deadly attack, then launches forward with a big Hansen Lariat! Devine goes ass over teakettle, landing awkwardly in the ring!
BILL HEWSON: Breton had Devine scouted!
JACK JONES: Or he has voodoo powers! I’m telling you!
Breton lets out a laugh, turns, and hauls Devine roughly back up… and into an Andre-style Bearhug! He sqeezes the Starmaker like he’s a tube of toothpaste! Devine’s face contorts in pain and his face turns red! The crowd cheering for him to escape as he thrashes, trying to reach a rope, but Bruiser laughs and steps back, keeping him away. Chan is there, asking Devine if he submits, but Sammy shakes his head “no!”
Then boxes Bruiser’s ears!
Breton’s eyes bug out and he drops Devine, arms rising to the sides of his head in surprise and pain. Sammy lands on his feet, turns…
Bruiser again sees it coming! He ducks aside, and drives an elbow into the Starmaker’s side! Devine deflates to another groan from the fans, and Breton catches him over his shoulders… Luger Torture Rack?
Nope! This time it’s the Starmaker who has HIM scouted – he slides right over Breton’s shoulders, landing on his feet. Bruiser wheels around…
Breton SHOVES Devine off hard – right into Martin Chan! The ref reels back, flailing, and catches himself on the ropes to boos from the crowd. Devine reaches after him, concerned, then turns around…
JACK JONES: Breton made a length of chain appear with his voodoo magic!
BILL HEWSON: No he didn’t! He pulled it out of his overalls! What a cheap shot!
The Starmaker is seeing stars, and Bruiser ditches the chain out of the ring. Chan turns back around in time to see Breton pull Devine up into a…
Splat goes Sammy Devine.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner… and NEW NAPW HERITAGE CHAMPION! BRUISER! BRETOOOOOON!
The Devine Army is booing loudly as Breton grabs the belt from Martin Chan and holds it high in the middle of the ring, foot on the fallen Starmaker, laughing.
JACK JONES: Well, a big return to form for Sammy Devine. He’s still a chump, Hewson. Finally won a title – couldn’t even mount a single defense.
BILL HEWSON: Only because in the middle of what was a hard fought, competitive match… Bruiser Breton stooped to a cheap shot with a foreign object. I can’t even believe it.
JACK JONES: I’ll give Sammy Devine one thing, Hewson. Tonight… he made Bruiser Breton into a star.
And these fans hate it.
BILL HEWSON: Your new Heritage Champion, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s take you backstage to GREGOR WATT, with a breaking news update!
Backstage, nervous young reporter and journalism student GREGOR WATT stands in front of the NAPW banner.
Gregor Watt: Thanks Bill, Jack. Uh, we having some weird noises backstage here! Wrestlers and staff have reported strange lighting, dropping to RED and GREEN… and strange cackling laughter! No word on what may be causing it, but hopefully it’s not s-s-scary ghosts! Uh, back to you!
Watt looks side to side. He settles his nerves – when a loud BLAM hits! Watt gulps and runs out of the scene…
JACK JONES: … it turned out that the butler was actually the chauffeur in disguise. Oh, the shenanigans that ensued, those summers on the island with the Pottentoshes.
BILL HEWSON: How did we get from discussing hi-fi speakers to that?
JACK JONES: Magic, Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: … Back to wrestling, fans. Our next match is —
JACK JONES: Ut tut tut!
BILL HEWSON: (gritted teeth). Yes. Jack.
JACK JONES: … Magic.
A strange grinding noise is heard on the audio track, causing many iPPV watchers to think they accidentally bought an ROH iPPV. Before they can furiously tweet their displeasure at the technical difficulties, Hewson regains his composure.
BILL HEWSON: Tonight is TAGSTRAVAGANZA, a celebration of tag team wrestling. The main event is almost set! We know that defending champions THE RABBLE have a guaranteed bye into the big four-way for the coveted blue jackets. With little doubt it will be Ernst and Greta in action…
JACK JONES: After the DESPICABLE actions of the Celtic Assassins and A-Team, you mean, injuring poor Gustav on his big night! The debut of the greatest wrestling talk show of all time AND the continuation of The Rabble’s unbeaten streak!
BILL HEWSON: The subjectivity of art, folks. Earlier tonight, in one HELL of a contest, the team of FUTURE SHOCK were able to get by the SCARS duo of Jason Richards and Adam Stryker. Jaxon Queen and Colton Sterling are in the match. And of course, the chaotic duo of THOSE THAT WILL INFLICT ILL defeated the monsters in LEGION!
JACK JONES: That Nobody is a monster legion on her own, Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: “I am the brute squad.”
JACK JONES: What?
BILL HEWSON: Nothing. Now, we will find out the fourth team for the TAGSTRAVAGANZA match… let’s throw it to you, Frank!
Warburton adjusts his glasses and waits, just a moment, for the crowd to realize it’s time for MORE ACTIONS.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is a QUALIFYING MATCH for the TAGSTRAVAGANZA main event! Introducing first…
“YOU CAN DO IT!”
A guitar lick with some swagger and snottiness kicks in.
“UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN!
LIFE CANNOT GO BY THE LETTER!”
The Offspring play and those meddling kids known as THE PHENOMENONS explode through the curtains!
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by TRAILER PARK LUCHADORE, Jerry “POPS” Kohler, and … uh… FRANCIS THE SKUNK. At a total combined weight of FOUR-hundred and FIFTY-nine pounds they are ERIC CAMERON! SHANE STONE! THHEEEEEEE PHHHENNNNOMENONS!!
Cameron takes his time getting down the aisle, threatening to karate fight every Canadian in the building on the way. Trailer Park Luchadore distracts him with a shiny new dime until Eric is in the ring while Shane Stone shadowboxes in the corner. No, he’s giving shadow-suplexes. Shadow-piledriver. Shadow cross-armbreaker. “TAP. TAP. TAAAAAAAAP!!” Do the fans like these guys? No, but they aren’t really sure if they HATE them either. “Pops” Kohler looks bewildered, wondering what he’s even doing there, holding the burlap sack containing Francis the Skunk…
“THE HEAT IS ON!!”
The NAPW faithful are united in the reaction to the next team out of the chute, though! A huge ovation erupts for THE A-TEAM bursting onto the stage!
FRANK WARBURTON: And THEIR opponents! Being accompanied to the ring by CYNDI LOU SAVAGE! At a total combined weight of FOUR-hundred and NINETY-one pounds, the team of “STUNNING” KERRY SAVAGE! “RAVISHING” RANDY ERICH! They are… THE AAAAAAA-TEEEEEEEEEEAAAMMMM!
The boys in the red and the white pose at the ramp, Cyndi Lou supporting her brother and friend! The A-Team slap hands down the ramp, each splitting off to take a lap around the ringside area! They leap up to the apron and hold the ropes open for Cyndi Lou and then hit a team pose in centre ring to a wild ovation!
BILL HEWSON: A lot of love in the air for the former Tag Team Champions. The A-Team have been looking for focus in the past couple months since losing the belts to the Rabble, they’d LOVE to add Tagstravaganza to their list of accolades. Drop some science on us, Jack Attack!
JACK JONES: Not just any science, Bill Hewson, but Jack “Attack” Jones’ WRESTLING SCIENCE FACTS, brought to you by Carls’ Jr — now open in Edmonton!
BILL HEWSON: Which explains the catering tonight.
JACK JONES: Right! Fact one: These two teams are evenly matched in size, speed, teamwork, experience… there is no clear advantage, and both have people on the outside. It may take one mistake — or one lucky break — to determine a winner. Fact TWO: the last time Cyndi Lou Savage was at ringside for an A-Team match, they LOST the tag team titles to the Rabble! Will she be an aid or a distraction?
BILL HEWSON: I don’t think we can blame Cyndi for The Rabble’s actions in that contest…
JACK JONES: Fact THREE: it’s in the best interests for Phenomenons or A-Team to end this match quickly. Luck of the draw, but the winner of this match will go into the main event with the least amount of rest!
BILL HEWSON: Right you are, Jack Attack — and here we go!
Referee Martin Chan the zebra in charge of this one, makes sure both teams are ready and calls for the bell! DING DING DING!
BILL HEWSON: Looks like it will be the unorthodox Eric Cameron starting things off for the Phenomenons — the A-Team are still figuring it out…
Rock, Paper, Scissors… Rock breaks scissors, and Ravishing Randy starts off for the A-Team. AFTER A TAGSTRAVAGANZA JUMPING HIGH FIVE!
Cameron and Erich circle, tie-up, Erich with a side headlock. Cameron squirms free and gets up. “What the heck was THAT?” he screams to Shane. Stone yells at Erich “What are you doing, trying to WRESTLE him?”
BILL HEWSON: Well, kind of…
Cameron refuses to tie up again, and instead takes a complicated (and likely bogus) martial arts stance up. Erich looks nervous, but then LIGHTBULB. He steps up like Ralph Macchio in the classic Karate Kid crane pose. Eric screams in terror and flat-back bumps, scrambling to his corner. “HOW DID HE LEARN COBRA KAI? I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.” Shane reaches down and tags in. “You’re a jerk, you know how he fears sweep kicks!” “No I don’t!” “You’re a liar!” “Only when I promise I won’t break hearts, brother!” POWER TIE-UP! Shane and Erich jockey for dominance, Shane with a go-behind, Randy Erich with a snapmare takeover, tries to hook the arms for a surfboard, Shane twists out and around into a wristlock, pulls Erich in for a sudden belly-to-belly takedown! Shane Stone controlling the head with a front facelock on the canvas, amateur-style. Ravishing Randy regains his feet, switching out into a back suplex! Randy has it for a pinfall for a one-count. Back-up, arm drag by Erich and he controls with a wristlock, tagging in Stunning Savage! The A-Team send Shane Stone to the ropes and nail a beautiful double dropkick! Stone powders out, demanding insight from Jerry Kohler. The older man, however, appears to be asleep on his feet.
Stone swears and rolls back in, tagging out to Cameron. Cameron charges in with a war cry and launches a flying kick at Stunning Savage! Savage sidesteps and shoves Eric chest-first into a turnbuckle, following up with a Stinger splash to the back! Cameron sags against the corner, spittle flecking from his lips. Savage gives him a chop TO THE BACK. “OWWWWWWWW!” Cameron tip-toes painfully away from the source of pain. Stunning Kerry spins him around, big chop to the chest. Another! Another! And there’s a monkey flip out of the corner!
BILL HEWSON: Eric Cameron calling for a time-out, this isn’t soccer! I mean, Jack Attack, correct me if I’m wrong but haven’t the Phenomenons been wrestling for a LONG time? They act like rookies!
JACK JONES: They’re geniuses, Hewson… they just never grew up.
Savage looks to the fans, “Should I give him a time-out?” “No!” He picks the man up, snap vertical suplex and there’s a tag to Randy Erich. Erich drops an elbow! Savage with an elbow! Erich, Savage, Erich, Savage, non-stop elbow drops! Referee Martin Chan making a five-count, A-Team riding the wave though. Double irish whip! Shane Stone tags the back of his partner! Eric Cameron (shockingly) ducks the double clothesline of the A-Team. Cameron jerks the ropes, stopping his momentum, dropping down and rolling out. Suddenly, Randy Erich is belly-to-back suplexed by Shane Stone! Savage swings with a right hand, ducked, belly-to-belly — OVER THE TOP ROPE! Oh my! Ravishing Randy is pulled up, BRAINBUSTER! Stone covers for two. He works the arm on the canvas as on the floor, Cyndi Lou checks on Kerry.
Stone pulls Randy up, Randy fights his way out! Erich looking for THE HOLD THAT BROKE THE MOLD, but Eric Cameron nails him from behind. Chan tells him to beat it. Judo throw from Stone puts Erich into the Phenomenal corner. Tag made… GERMAN SUPLEX by Shane Stone that sends Erich alllll the way over, landing on his belly. And Eric Cameron with a crazy leg drop from the second turnbuckle onto the back of Randy Erich’s head! Cover one, two!
JACK JONES: You’re seeing this teamwork, right, Hewson? It’s phenomenal!
BILL HEWSON: You can use other adjectives, Jack. That said, Cameron and Stone have isolated Randy Erich, effectively cutting the ring in half.
JACK JONES: The Minnesota Wrecking Crew learned how to tag team wrestle from Francis the Skunk, Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: They did not.
Cameron unloads a series of wild, “unorthodox” kicks on Randy Erich. Maybe only every third or fourth really connects, but he’s throwing dozens! Erich slumps in a corner. “YAAAAAAAAAH!” screams Cameron and he charges in with a ridiculous running kick to the face! Ravishing Randy would collapse to the canvas, but Eric is caught in the ropes. Shane Stone rushes over to help extricate his partner. Kerry Savage takes exception and leaps into the ring, rushing to the corner, only for referee Chan to intercept and force him back. Savage protests, but with the ref’s back turned, Stone forgets his partner and chokes away at the imperiled A-Team member. By the time Chan turns back to the legal men, Stone is in the Phenomenal corner checking his text messages.
BILL HEWSON: That can’t be legal.
JACK JONES: He gets wi-fi in the Polish Hall. Only place in Canada he can check his email.
Cameron decides to get ‘topical’ starts soccer kicking Erich while chanting “USA! USA!” The fans boo him. Some are confused because, well, the A-Team are American, too. The native Pennsylvanian Cameron whips Erich into the Phenomenal corner and tags Shane. Stone hooks Randy Erich into a Peruvian necktie… and Cameron starts kicking at Erich! Referee Chan tells him to get out of the ring, Cameron ignoring him until Kerry Savage rushes in! Suddenly Cameron is listening to the ref and exiting. Chan then turns his attention to Savage, asking him to get back to the A-Team corner. Savage protests Cameron’s pushing of the rules…
And suddenly, with the ref’s back turned, Jerry Kohler (awake for the moment) throws Cameron the skunk sack… which Cameron rubs in Erich’s face!!
JACK JONES: That’s gotta be a TKO.
BILL HEWSON: Of all the… get this under control, referee Chan!
JACK JONES: He’s doing his best, Hewson. But he’s no match for the PHENOMENAL teamwork of … THE PHENOMENONS!
BILL HEWSON: Can you stop saying that word?
JACK JONES: I’m talkin’ about the PHENOMENONS, Bill!
Back in, Stone has broken the hold — Erich made the ropes. Stone with a chop to Erich then hooks a standing armbar… Ravishing Randy starts fighting back! He breaks free and nails Stone, irish whip, countered, into a release fisherman’s suplex! Oh man. Cover gets two, and Stone again locks Randy down. He goes to tag in Eric Cameron once more. Cameron ascends to the top rope as Stone hooks Erich for a vertical suplex! He lifts his man up… Erich wriggles and falls down, reversing into a suplex of his own! No — a SLINGSHOT suplex!! Stone’s legs hit the top rope, causing Cameron to land on the turnbuckle joint with his manhood! Stone hits the canvas… and everybody is down.
Except Kerry Savage.
Who is BEGGING for the tag.
BILL HEWSON: Randy Erich desperately needs to tag out to his partner! The former tag team champions need to turn this around now!
Stone is regaining his faculties as Cameron sits on the corner, holding his junk. Erich crawls… slowly… reaching out… he’s not there… Stone grabs his ankle!
HOT TAG HOUSEAFARRRRRRR!
Kerry Savage hits the ring and hip tosses a charging Shane Stone! Hip toss to Eric Cameron! Stone with a shot from behind, sets up for a suplex, countered, Savage with a SAVAGE SUPLEX! Stone charges in with crazy eyes — BIIIIIG back body drop!! Savage facelocks Cameron, twirling his finger in the timeless symbol for “DDT” — Stone runs in! Savage boots him in the gut, hooks Stone around the neck and shoulders!?
Savage covers Cameron for one, two, Stone knocks him off! Stone with a stomp that rocks Savage as referee Chan tries to regain control of this contest. Stone pulls Savage to his feet — and suddenly, Randy Erich has Stone in THE HOLD THAT BROKE THE MOLD! Full Nelson, A-TEAM style. Cameron looks to break it up, only for Savage to lock on the SAVAGE CLAW! Both Phenomenons in excruciating pain, and Cameron (the legal man) looks like he might give up. Shane suddenly screams at Cameron, yelling “NO CANDY IF YOU QUIT.” Eric’s eyes bulge and he finds the will to unleash THE KICKS. Savage holds on as Chan checks in on the screaming Cameron!
And with the ref’s attention off of them, Stone mule kicks Erich right in the jewels. Erich’s grip slacks as he goes down. Stone, now free, saves his partner with a boot to Kerry Savage — SWINGING FISHERMAN’S NECKBREAKER! Stone throws Eric Cameron on top of Savage! ONE! TWO! KICK-OUT!
BILL HEWSON: This is non-stop action, but Eric Cameron and Kerry Savage are the legal men! Erich and and Stone need to get out of the ring!
And indeed, Chan is fed up. He is loudly, verbally informing everybody in the ring that he will throw the whole thing right out and NEITHER team moves onto the main event if they don’t get the hell back to their corners. Erich gingerly stumbles to the A-Team corner as Stone gets a last kick on Savage. Cameron heads to the top rope! Kerry Savage slowly gets to his feet, unaware that his opponent is eyeing him for THE MAIN EVENT Diamond Dust! Cameron leaps — SAVAGE DIVES! Cameron lands straight on his ass, yelping in pain. Savage tags in his partner… who rushes Shane Stone and dropkicks him off the canvas! Randy Erich and Kerry Savage with a huge double hip-toss on Eric Cameron, and now both go to opposite top ropes. They’re calling for the double axhandle! Each man on a corner as referee Chan is counting, telling Savage he needs to get out of the ring.
And that’s when Trailer Park Luchadore runs up the opposite ropes and delivers an ENZIGURI to the back of Randy Erich’s head!
Cyndi Lou Savage is screaming in protest on the outside! Erich slumps on the top rope and tumbles down. The ref never saw it! Kerry Savage drops Cameron with a flying axehandle, wondering what happened to his now-downed partner! Kerry turns around — INTO THE PHILOTHERIANISM-PLEX BY SHANE STONE! Savage ends up on the apron… as Stone hoists Erich into an inverted suplex! He holds him up as Cameron quickly scales to the top rope and comes off with a flying superkick! Or something sort of resembling a flying superkick! Stone finishes the suplex on kick! THE PHENOMENAL ENDING!! Cameron covers, Stone baseball slides Savage to the floor, ONE! TWO! THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners… THE PHENOMENONS!!
Stone and Cameron roll out of the ring, joyously embracing as if they’ve already won the world titles and blue jackets. Their entourage joins them as the fans boo, clearly disappointed in the match result and finish. Cyndi Lou Savage slides into the ring…
BILL HEWSON: In all the confusion, Trailer Park Luchadore proving to be the turning point for the Phenomenons. A bitter ending to the A-Team after a well-fought contest…
JACK JONES: Hey, they didn’t do anything illegal.
BILL HEWSON: You saw what TPL did!
JACK JONES: Yeah, whatever, Eric Cameron and Shane Stone didn’t do anything illegal. They won, fair and squar.! And now they’re in TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
BILL HEWSON: Ironically, Martin Chan laying down the law caused him to miss the interference. So now, after three tremendous qualifying matches, the main event is set! For the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP, the 2014 TAGSTRAVAGANZA crown, the blue jackets, the $10,000 — it will be THE RABBLE taking on THE PHENOMENONS, verse THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT ILL, and finally FUTURE SHOCK!
JACK JONES: Wait, I have to choose between the Rabble and the Phenomenons? I can’t do that!
In the ring, the A-Team are regrouping with bummed expressions. Clearly, tonight did go as they planned. The fans nonetheless give them a strong ovation. Glenn Frey hits the PA and the A-Team can’t help but smile. Tonight may not be their night, but they will never stop bringing the heat! Frank Warburton informs the fans that it is intermission time as the house lights come up.
BILL HEWSON: For those watching on iPPV, we will take a short break. Stay tuned for highlights and recaps, and perhaps some words from the TAGSTRAVAGAZANZA participants. Still to come tonight! A Battle Royale to determine the next challenger for the World Title! ANTON PETROV teams with his manager JACKSON KASS to finally settle the score with CLANCY KING and THE EARL OF DOKKEN! And in the first of two main events… ABBEY GRAVES will defend the NAPW World Championship against JOSHUA RAPTURE. All that and our tag team main event extravaganza!
JACK JONES: You mean… TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
Fade in. We see one of NAPW’s newest signees, Felicity Banks, standing outside her designated locker room of the night. Her ring gear is fit for a queen… Only a bit more revealing with booty shorts that read “Bow down” on the back, complete with tiara and her Queen B sweatshirt. She rubs her chin and waves the cameraman closer toward her, pointing at her face just as the focus zooms in.
Felicity Banks: Starting to get familiar with this face yet?
She shines off her cocky little grin before sticking her hand up in front of the camera, now shooing them away.
Felicity Banks: Too close. I feel your nasty trying to jump from you and onto me. Take another two steps back… Okay, yeah. You’re good.
Sarcastic thumbs up from the self proclaimed “Queen B.”
Felicity Banks: Only a few minutes away from my debut in NAPW… Right now? Now is where I start thinking about what I can do in this match. Now is the time where I start wondering what exactly it’s gonna take to beat eleven people. People with more experience than me. Some even twice, almost three times my size. So many different ways to go about this, but tonight? Tonight I’m just going out there and showing off my skills as a professional wrestler. A first impression is something that could last forever, and believe me… Nothing, and I mean NOTHING would be a bigger first impression than me walking out of here as the next in line for an NAPW World Championship match.
She pauses briefly, biting down on her lip.
Felicity Banks: But these matches? They don’t really favor someone of my size. My style of wrestling. Eleven males, and one female… Eliminating as many people as you possibly could is a big deal to some of you, but to me? To me it’s nothing… All I’m here to do is make sure I’m the last one standing at the end of it. To make sure that I’m one of the names the NAPW fan base is talking about when this event is over. I don’t want them talking about my looks. I don’t want them to talking about my mouth. I want them to say… Damn. That Felicity Banks is the real deal.
Another slight chuckle, followed by a lick of the lips.
Felicity Banks: And there’s more… Who better than I to show the entire NAPW Kingdom that a queen can do the same thing as a king, only better? And what better stage is there than Tagstravaganza to show the kingdom that I, Felicity Banks, am your new queen and you will all bow down before me!
She nods her head, her playful demeanor switching to a slight scowl as she walks toward the camera.
Felicity Banks: Pay attention… You might just learn something from this rookie.
She covers the lens with her hand, cutting off the feed and sending it back to TAGSTRAVAGANZA!
JACK JONES: Man. I NEEDED that intermission, Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: We all needed a breather after that tremendous first half.
JACK JONES: I was talking about the Double Gulp of Mountain Dew CODE RED I drank before we went on the air. I NEEDED that intermission.
BILL HEWSON: There, but for the grace of God. We now know our main event — it will be THE RABBLE entering TAGSTRAVAGANZA as the champions against three tough teams. THE PHENOMENONS… FUTURE SHOCK… and THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT ILL. But first…
FRANK! Has his microphone!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the over-the-top-rope BATTLE ROYALE! The winner will receive a shot at the NAPW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP! At this time I would like to announce NAPW’s newest referee!
JACK JONES: We’re giving a REFEREE an entrance?
The Canadiana Rock sounds of BIG SUGAR hits the speakers, the familiar refrain of “ALL HELL FOR A BASEMENT.” The eyes of long-time fans go wide, and then…
FRANK WARBURTON: Please welcome, along with Martin Chan and Stewie Lamoine, to officiate this match — FORMER NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION, “THE MOOSE” MARK MILLAR!
A big, built barrel-chested man with a HUGE beard walks through the curtain and the fans pop! Moose is wearing the black & white stripes of an NAPW referee and heads to the ring with Chan and Lamoine!
BILL HEWSON: A welcome return from THE MOOSE, Jack Attack! We know he retired from the squared circle two years ago, but he is giving back to New Alberta Pro on the other side of the ring!
JACK JONES: That beard can’t be regulation official, Hewson. I demand a recount.
BILL HEWSON: There… wasn’t a vote?
Moose downplays the chants of the fans and points to the other referees, saying “hey shucks, I’m just learnin’ the ropes!”. He looks pleased to be back in NAPW, though, as the three zebras take spaces outside the ring.
Furious angry redneck metal drums. The fans gasp.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, they are BRYAN MARSHALL… JOHN MITCHELL… the KENTUCKY HELLBILLIES!
And the angry southerners walk menacingly to the ring.
BILL HEWSON: And another surprising return here tonight! We had heard the Kentucky Hellbillies signed a contract with a globally televised wrestling promotion…
JACK JONES: They did — until they got kicked out for being too southern, too pissed off, and too violent!
BILL HEWSON: Could spell bad news for everybody else in this match!
“No evil under the blood red sun!
Will escape the wrath of the Crimson One!”
“Triumph” by Audiomachine cues up and NAPW’s newest superhero swoops from the curtain! He poses dramatically with his cape swirling as the fans cheer!
FRANK WARBURTON: From parts unknown, he is the CODE-RED CRUSADER — CRIMSON MASK!
BILL HEWSON: Crimson Mask has vowed to ensure no “evil” wrestlers win the title shot tonight; least of all Declan Black!
JACK JONES: Yeah, well, Crimson Mask will be seeing red by the end of the night!
BILL HEWSON: Okay?
JACK JONES: …because he’ll be mad. For losing. And. Shut up.
Thousand Foot Krutch is next, with “The End is Where We Begin!” The cool, collected, and contemptuous BLAKE TAYLOR enters.
FRANK WARBURTON: From Austin Texas, he is “BLUE CHIP” BLAKE TAYLOR!
BILL HEWSON: Huge opportunity for Blake Taylor tonight — he and several other participants in this match making their NAPW DEBUTS tonight.
JACK JONES: What better way to make your mark then shoot directly into the main event?
DROPKICKS!! Dropkick Murphys, that is. PAT GORDON JR storms out and the crowd erupts.
FRANK WARBURTON: Next, from Boston Massachusetts! He is the “Boston Bruiser”… PAT! GORDON! JR!
JACK JONES: I never liked Pat Gordon SENIOR. His kid isn’t much to write home about. Or text. Or skype. Or fax. Whatever the kids do.
BILL HEWSON: Don’t hurt yourself, Jack Attack. PGJR lost a tough contest to Joshua Rapture last month, he’d love to redeem himself tonight!
The sinister sounds of “Ningen Gari” emanate from the speakers, bringing out VIPER TOKARA — riding on the shoulders of the powerful PYTHON!
FRANK WARBURTON: Representing the ORDER OF OROCHI, they are PYTHON… and VIPER TOKARA!
BILL HEWSON: The secret, ancient Order of Orochi — or at least their NAPW representation — have seemed rudderless since OUJA THE SERPENT KING was vanquished by XRISTUS several months ago.
JACK JONES: Never relax around a sleeping snake, Hewson… this is the opportunity Viper and Python have been waiting for!
“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good!
Oh lord! Please don’t let me be misunderstood!”
And the fan-favorite PRINCE ANDELLION MOONWATER bounces out of the entrance way, a bundle of furry energy!
FRANK WARBURTON: He is the Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Crystalwood… PRINCE! ANDELLION! MOONWATER!
BILL HEWSON: One of the most popular NAPW competitors, recently concluding a long-standing blood rivalry with the despotic Joshua Rapture. Moonwater had his first shot at NAPW gold last month, taking part in that outstanding five-man Heritage Title match!
JACK JONES: He couldn’t win against four other men, how’s he going to win against another FOURTEEN?
BILL HEWSON: Moonwater has the fans on his side!
The creepshow punk stylings of MISFITS send a chill up your spine! “Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight” has the fans murmuring…
FRANK WARBURTON: And next! From Amsterdam, New York, is the “The Horror of Humanithy”… SQUIRRELLY NUTTZ!
The fans look to the entranceway, but nobody comes out.
BILL HEWSON: Has there been a mistake?
JACK JONES: I’m not sure if Squirrelly cares about things like ‘schedules’, but he does like an opportunity to wreck people. And he’s got lots to wreck here.
BILL HEWSON: Well he’s not here… wait a minute, what the heck?
The fans on one side of the ring are causing a commotion. The ring apron ruffles, and SQUIRRELLY NUTTZ rolls out from the under the ring, rubbing his eyes as if he’s just woken up. He takes a drag of his cigarette and flips off the security guard who tells him to put it out, then drags himself into the ring.
JACK JONES: Honestly, NAPW brass can’t even spring for a hotel for this poor guy.
BILL HEWSON: I don’t think he would have used it.
The other wrestlers are eyeing Nuttz warily; the man himself slouches in a corner, seemingly unaware or unconcerned that he is inside a wrestling ring.
“Espejo Que Humea” by Yaoil Mictlan takes up, and the masked luchadore GRILLO JR strides out to a solid ovation. He slides into the ring and bumps knuckles with PGJR.
FRANK WARBURTON: From Aztlan, he is GRILLO… JUNIOR!
BILL HEWSON: Another second generation superstar, and Grillo Jr has come here by invitation of Pat Gordon Jr. We hear they may be looking to compete together in the red-hot tag team division as the SONS OF TRADITION…
JACK JONES: Let’s see how long that teams lasts if it comes down to a world title shot here tonight!
“Old man, look at my life…
I’m a lot like you were…”
The fans erupt!
FRANK WARBURTON: From Winnipeg Manitoba, he is “THE LION”… CHASE! JACOBSON!
Kris accompanies his dad through the curtain. He claps “The Lion” on the shoulders and turns back in! Chase slaps hands down the aisle, looking ready, willing and able to step into the ring again!
BILL HEWSON: Chase Jacobson, a feared competitor in Japan — the “Lion” is out of his cage once again, right here tonight in Edmonton!
JACK JONES: JACOBSONNNNNN.
BILL HEWSON: And Kris, the young “Lionheart,” one of NAPW’s most talented young competitors, going to watch from the back. This is all for his dad, Kris doesn’t want to take any of the spotlight!
PGJR and Grillo Jr, sons of stars themselves, actually hold the ropes open for Chase, while others like Moonwater and Crimson Mask applaud.
JACK JONES: Aw, that’s sweet. NOW HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR.
BILL HEWSON: WILL you be serious?
The tension is the ring grows, everybody wants to get on with it… but first, Nicki Minaj obliterates the speakers and a cocky young woman makes her entrance, showing utter disdain for the NAPW audience.
FRANK WARBURTON: From Jersey City, New Jersey, she is “THE QUEEN B” — FELICITY BANKS!
BILL HEWSON: A young competitor, building her resume, but make no mistake — “The Queen B” Felicity Banks will do whatever it takes to win. If she wins tonight, Jack Attack, NAPW could see it’s first ever woman vs woman match for the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP…
JACK JONES: You’re assuming Abbey Graves gets past Joshua Rapture later tonight, Hewson, and that’s not a bet I’d take!
BILL HEWSON: Your gambling addiction aside, absolutely correct — Abbey Graves, the champion, may not have all of her focus on Rapture in her title defense. If that’s the case, it may cost her everything!
Banks hits the ring, Blake Taylor raises his eyebrows at her attitude. Then the fans are given a reason to cheer, because Beverly Hillbillies plays! They dosey-do in the rows of seats as Cuzin Eddie comes out for a good ol’ hoe down!
FRANK WARBURTON: From Steep Creek, Kentucky, he is CUZIN EDDIE!
JACK JONES: Has somebody told Eddie yet that if he wins, he doesn’t have to demand a big prize — THERE IS A BIG PRIZE.
BILL HEWSON: Eddie may not always be playing with the sharpest knives in the drawer, Jack Attack, but he is a dangerous force to be reckoned with. He can’t be happy to see the Kentucky Hellbillies back in NAPW, though!
Indeed he is not. Eddie eyes the Hellbillies warily, not so quick to forget the many beatings Marshall & Mitchell put on him, until Cuzin Eddie at last upended his statesmen back at “Kentucky Fried Calamity.”
BILL HEWSON: Eddie put an exclamation point on that feud, but somehow I don’t think the Kentucky Hellbillies came back to make nice with him. Eddie needs to have his focus on this match, not those boys!
“LET’S DOOOO THE TIME WAAAARRPP
FRANK WARBURTON: Next, accompanied by DR. FRANK! He is “THE CREATION”… ATLAS!
The cast rush out and begin to dance to the music! The spotlight comes to rest on the sculpted, posed physique of “The Creation”!
BILL HEWSON: Atlas, along with Cuzin Eddie and Andellion Moonwater, also a part of the Heritage Title match last month. “The Creation” has overcome an awful lot to earn the respect of these fans… and owns a rare submission victory over that scumbag Chris Casino!
JACK JONES: Hey, Chris Casino is…
BILL HEWSON: Is what?
JACK JONES: Yeah. Yeah, he’s a total dirtbag.
BILL HEWSON: Atlas has nearly tasted NAPW World Championship gold before, only to have Chris Casino cost him. He’ll be on fire tonight! We’re almost ready to begin…
JACK JONES: Hold on, Bill Hewson! There’s one more entrant in this thing!
“Keep a Good Man Down” by Canadian rock act THORNLEY kicks up. The fans look to the entrance, many already booing.
FRANK WARBURTON: And the final competitor… from Coral Gables, Florida by way of Sydney, Nova Scotia! He is “THE BLACK DRAGON” — DECLANNNN BLAAAACK!
Once again, there is no immediate entrance from the curtain. The booing fans become puzzled.
BILL HEWSON: He can’t be under the ring, too.
JACK JONES: Of course not, Hewson!
Suddenly Black’s entrance video on the video wall switches to a shot just outside the Polish Hall. It’s the same trailer we saw in Declan Black’s youtube promo video over the past month… suddenly, the door opens and Black himself exits, arms raised as if he hears the fans.
BILL HEWSON: … I’d like to note on behalf of NAPW that New Alberta Pro is not in any way responsible for this personal trailer of Declan Black. How he chooses to spend his money is his own business!
JACK JONES: It’s a mobile locker room, Hewson, not a trailer! And NAPW *should* be paying his tab.
Two NAPW security guards meet Black. Suddenly, multi-colored fireworks shoot off from the concrete of the parking lot into the still-light sky. Miles of daylight in Northern Alberta. Black poses. The iPPV viewers and people inside the Hall are booing, but outside all we hear is the traffic nearby. Security directs Black to a doorway and he steps inside. The cameraman loses sight…
And then FINALLY, Black pushes his way through the entrance curtain. The boos rain down as he takes to the ring.
BILL HEWSON: Pompous entrance aside, Declan Black comes here tonight as an eight-year-veteran with one major goal in pro wrestling — win a World Championship!
JACK JONES: He hasn’t even received a SHOT at a World title, Hewson. Not here or anywhere else.
BILL HEWSON: I have to ask: is that bad luck, politics… or did he ever deserve one?
Black gets in the ring. Referee Martin Chan is the senior official at ringside. Sensing that the wrestlers are fixing to bust loose, he quickly — at last — calls for the bell! DING DING DING.
And suddenly, Declan Black gets the uncomfortable sensation that Every. One. Is looking at him.
THEY A CLUBBERIN’!!
JACK JONES: Oh come on!
BILL HEWSON: If there was a common theme amongst wrestlers leading up to this match, it was this: nobody could stand Declan Black!
JACK JONES: Well, he got everybody talking about him…
Black tries to crawl out of the dogpile, only to get pulled back in. However, as much as pretty much everybody in the match is gleefully taking their turns abusing “The Black Dragon,” one pairing has decided to exploit the situation! Suddenly Viper Tokara grabs Blake Taylor from behind — Cobra Clutch Suplex! The powerhouse Python sends Crimson Mask and Andellion Moonwater down with a big double clothesline. Viper with a drop-down irish whip on Chase Jacobson INTO A PYTHON LARIAT. Oh my! Atlas sees what is going on, and “The Creation” charges in with a roundhouse kick. Viper ducks, grabs Atlas, and suddenly has a TARANTULA locked onto Atlas, in the ropes! The Kentucky Hellbillies are taking turns choking Declan Black in a corner as Pat Gordon Jr and Felicity Banks are struggling on one side. Squirrelly Nuttz pokes Cuzin Eddie in the eye! Chase Jacobson turns his head just in time to take a GOOZLE from Python… CHOKESLAM TO “THE LION!” Python hoists the veteran up, looking to toss Jacobson out already!
BILL HEWSON: Chase came out of retirement tonight! Not like this!
No! Because GRILLO JR nails Python, who drops Chase! Grillo Jr unloading right hands on Python, hits the ropes, clothesline — Python barely moves! Grillo hits the ropes again. This time, Viper Tokara nails a knee to the back of Grillo’s head. He crashes into Python for a ring-shaking SIDEWALK SLAM.
BILL HEWSON: The Order of Orochi have decimated the ring!
JACK JONES: Sssssnnnnaaaaaakes!
Python turns around… and comes nose-to-nose with CUZIN EDDIE. Kentucky’s Own grins at Python. The big man with a GOOZLE! Can he chokeslam the big man? We’ll never know, because Eddie delivers a brutal headbutt! Another! A third sends Python staggering backwards, woozy. Eddie claps his hands and charges for an elbow smash that sends Python to the ropes! He rears back — and Python is wrapped around him! Python wrapping around Cuzin Eddie in a crucifix hold. Python comes out with a lariat, but Eddie, WEARING PYTHON, manages to duck! Python skids to a stop, then charges the other way, only for Eddie to back drop Python over the top rope to the floor!
FRANK WARBURTON: Python has been eliminated!
Viper is still holding on, but Eddie steps backwards to the turnbuckles and squashes the serpent! Viper is sort of holding on, still, but Eddie easily grabs the man and maneuvers him into a new position. A Gorilla press position! The masked Viper shakes his head “no no!” and Eddie nods “Yes yes!”
GORILLA PRESS ONTO PYTHON ON THE FLOOR! The Order of Orochi both crash down!
FRANK WARBURTON: Viper Tokara has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: Well, so much for the year of the snake.
JACK JONES: It’s the year of the horse, stupid!
BILL HEWSON: Quiet, you. Two men are gone, and it’s anybody’s ballgame!
It is pretty much a mess, as Battle Royales are. Cuzin Eddie has renewed his rivalry with the Kentucky Hellbillies, both of whom try to force him over the top rope. Crimson Mask steps into to right this numerical injustice. Andellion Moonwater finds himself besieged by “The Queen B,” and isn’t entirely sure what to do against her. Unfortunately that is leaving him on the receiving end of a flurry of strikes! Squirrelly Nuttz is picking the pieces of Chase Jacobson, zero respect for the older competitor there as he chokes the “Lion.” Everybody is tied up, but suddenly the fans come to life. Declan Black hooks Atlas with a Dragon Suplex! Atlas fights out, spins behind the man and hooks the waist for a GERMAN SUPLEX. He holds on! TWO GERMAN SUPLEXES! THREE GERMAN SUPLEXES! Black gets up on spaghetti legs and Atlas nails him with a roundhouse kick…
Which sees Black fall into the ropes, draped in position for the TIME WARP! Atlas hits the opposite ropes, dials up his version of the 619 —
And Black slides out of the way! Atlas spins through the ropes and ends up on his feet back in the ring, slightly disoriented —
“The Creation” stares up to the lights, standing on inertia, and Black clotheslines him over the top ropes to a stunned chorus of boos!
FRANK WARBURTON: Atlas has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: That has to be considered an upset by Atlas and Dr. Frank, and every fan in this building! Wow! Declan Black has eliminated one of the favorites!
JACK JONES: That’s two months in a row Atlas has come up short in a big match!
BILL HEWSON: Perhaps, but Atlas tapped out Chris Casino in the biggest match of his life! Call it what it is, on any given night…
Black congratulates himself as the fans boo. He turns and lends a hand to a group trying to push Cuzin Eddie over the top rope. Crimson Mask eats a Blake Taylor boot to the face, and Taylor sends Mask over the top rope! The Code-Red Crusader holds on, however, and lands on the ring apron. Meanwhile the Kentucky Hellbillies are double-teaming Grillo Jr! He’s shot to the ropes and they double hip-toss Grill OVER THE TOP ROPE…
But “The Cricket” holds onto the top rope, feet dangling from the floor! Grillo pulls himself back to the apron. His partner Pat Gordon Jr attacks the Kentucky Hellbillies! Gordon out of his weight class, he doesn’t care. He’s from BOSTON. Irish Kiss headbutts! He’s taking it to both big Kentucky bastards! Drop toe-hold sends Mitchell down. Gordon blocks a right hand from Bryan Marshall and hooks it. BOSTON CHARLIE HORSE! Belly-to-belly suplex on Bryan Marshall has the fans rockin’ and reelin’!
And Felicity Banks hits a superkick to the BACK OF THE HEAD. Gordon never saw it coming! He pulls himself to his feet, and “The Queen B” nails the BANK SHOT to the butt of the chin, sending Gordon over the top rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: Pat Gordon Jr has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: Gordon with a hell of a showing against the powerhouse Hellbillies, and Felicity Banks with a cheapshot blindside. Come on!
JACK JONES: It’s every man — or woman — for himself, Hewson. With a shot at the World title on the line! Do what you gotta do!
The fans aren’t happy with that. You know who else isn’t happy? The Kentucky Hellbillies. The attack by Pat Gordon Jr made them even MORE unhappy… and now they’re taking it out on anybody unfortunate to get in their way. Squirrelly Nuttz is stomping away on Crimson Mask, only to get pulled away by Bryan Marshall and obliterated with a CHOKEBOMB. “The Cowboy From Hell” then… offers a hand to Crimson Mask? He helps the superhero up OH NO. Short-arm clothesline nearly takes Mask out of his boots! Cuzin Eddie takes a big boot from Marshall as Mitchell SPEARS Andellion Moonwater into the turnbuckle! Chase Jacobson and Grillo Jr charge the Hellbillies, only for Mitchell to catch Jacobson with the Eye of the Storm… and Marshall with a BIIIIIG BACK BODY DROP on Grillo Jr, sending him over the top rope!
Grill somehow holds on… and SKINS THE CAT BACK IN! Only to get a big boot from Mitchell! Basically everybody is down except Felicity Banks, who has quietly started trying to put Moonwatever over the ropes (again). Blake Taylor has laid low, apparently playing possum while the wrecking crew is at work. This leaves the Hellbillies standing with Declan Black. “The Black Dragon” claps both men on the shoulders, looking for high fives.
BILL HEWSON: Is Black trying to form an alliance with the Hellbillies?
Black points to all the other competitors in the ring, pantomiming ‘tossing.’ The Hellbillies nod, and it’s high fives all around. Black goes to pick up Crimson Mask —
And suddenly finds himself being hoisted up on top of Bryan Marshall’s shoulders! Black tries to fight out, but Marshall holds his legs tightly. Declan Black looks up in time to see Mitchell FLYING OFF THE TOP ROPE!
HELLBILLIZER! The southern-fried Doomsday Device and Black hits the canvas in a heap. The fans cheer that, then realize who they are cheering for and return to boos. The Hellbillies look for a body… and they settle on Chase Jacobson.
JACK JONES: I think Chase picked the wrong night to make his in-ring return! Half these wrestlers seem to have it out for him!
BILL HEWSON: The Kentucky Hellbillies are bullies, Jones. Pure and simple!
A groggy Jacobson is hoisted to his feet. Mitchell with a standing headscissors. Hoists him up for the EIGHT SECOND RIDE powerbomb — Chase with a FRANKENSTEINER! Too close to the ropes, both men tumble over the top!! John Mitchell hits the canvas… and crashes to the floor! Chase barely hangs onto the apron and rolls back in! A furious Bryan Marshall comes at him with a BIG BOOT, but Chase low bridges the top rope! Marshall is hung up on the top rope, wincing in pain… and the “Lion” with a huge vertical leap delivers a dropkick that sends Marshall TO THE OUTSIDE!
FRANK WARBURTON: John Mitchell and Bryan Marshall have been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: Taking a page out of his son’s playbook with that Frankensteiner, and unbelievably, the cagey “Lion” has eliminated two of the biggest men in the match!
JACK JONES: You think he has a shot?
BILL HEWSON: Miracles can happen in NAPW, Jack Attack — OH COME ON!!
A celebrating Chase suddenly finds himself on the outside of the ring as John Mitchell grabs his ankles and violently pulls him to the floor. Chase is hoisted with a bodyslam RIGHT on the concrete! Chase’s head bounces off the unprotected floor. Bryan Marshall is up, he sets Chase up for… oh no.
BILL HEWSON: Oh no, not the Moonshine Crusher! He’s going to powerbomb his man on the concrete! HERE COMES MOOSE!
And “The Moose” Mark Millar is the main referee on the scene telling the Hellbillies to knock it the eff off! Not as big as Bryan Marshall, but he’s still six-four, over two-fifty pounds! John Mitchell almost looks fixing to nail Moose but thinks better of it… Marshall lets Chase sag between his legs, THEN HOOKS HIM AGAIN. Before “The Moose” can physically intervene, though, it’s KRIS JACOBSON! “The Lionheart” with a leaping strike to the jaw of Bryan Marshall! Spinkick to John Mitchell! Chase collapses to the floor and now Moose, along with NAPW security. The Hellbillies laugh to themselves, proud of their handiwork. A trainer bypasses them as they head up the aisle…
And in the ring, alongside the chaos, Felicity Banks tosses Andellion Moonwater to the floor after a lowblow! Boooooo!
FRANK WARBURTON: Andellion Moonwater has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: I apologize, completely lost track of what was going on in the ring, and suddenly Felicity Banks has eliminated the Prince of Crystalwood! She’s targeted him the entire match!
JACK JONES: Just goes to show you.
BILL HEWSON: Show us what?
JACK JONES: Some girls don’t like otters.
BILL HEWSON: … I don’t like what I see on the outside, Jack. The trainer and Kris Jacobson have helped Chase up, but he’s not heading back to the ring. The Kentucky Hellbillies stole a tremendous chance from a tremendous, fierce competitor…
The fans applaud Chase Jacobson as he, arms over the shoulders of the trainer and his son, heads to the curtain and out.
BILL HEWSON: Not officially eliminated, but Chase Jacobson going for medical attention. His night is over! And wait a minute, Felicity Banks just leapt on Cuzin Eddie’s back!
The big Cuzin swings, and can’t get ahold of “The Queen B” who looks to eliminate ANOTHER fan-favorite. However, Eddie finally gets ahold of her head and bucks forward, sending her off. Eddie goes for a running knee… and stops up short? “Dangit.. I can’t hit no lady..”… He offers Felicity a hand to her feet!
BILL HEWSON: Well, he’s a gentlemen…
JACK JONES: And not too bright!
Banks seems taken by Eddie’s goofy grin. Right until she slaps him across the face. Eddie grimaces, and gets SLAPPED again. Eddie doesn’t want to fight back but that may cost him as Banks nails Eddie with a sitout jawbreaker! Eddie, dazed, stumbles close to the ropes. Banks takes off with a DROPSAULT that alllllmost sends Eddie tumbling over, but his size plays into his favor. Banks calls for the “BANK SHOT” once again. SUPERKICK — Eddie dips his shoulder underneath and stands up, Banks teetering on his one shoulder until she falls to the floor below!
FRANK WARBURTON: Felicity Banks has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: And the “Queen B” is not happy about that!
JACK JONES: Having close bodily contact with Cuzin Eddie? Who would be?
Felicity Banks is furious at having been eliminated by that “hick,” but Eddie waves bye-bye —
SQUIRRELLY NUTTZ FROM BEHIND! Halfbreed Hammer to the back of the head! Eddie pitches forward and Nuttz is quick to help him over the top!
FRANK WARBURTON: Cuzin Eddie has been eliminated!
Squirrelly Nuttz drops to the canvas, pulling a drag from an imaginary cigarette and waving Eddie off. Cuzin doesn’t look impressed but there’s nothing doing.
BILL HEWSON: This may have been Cuzin Eddie’s to win, three eliminations and on a roll! But this Squirrelly Nuttz … do I HAVE to call him that? … took advantage and took out the biggest threat in that ring.
JACK JONES: You could be looking at the next World Champion!
In the ring, it’s pared down to five. Blake Taylor is working over Grillo Jr, while Declan Black and Crimson Mask struggle in another corner. Nuttz decides to take a break, rolling outside and reaching under the ring. He comes up with… a sandwich? A truck stop sandwich, to be exact. The refs tell him to get back in the ring but Nuttz points out his sandwich. He slumps against the side of the ring and chows down. In the ring, Taylor sends Grillo Jr pitching over the top rope! Grillo … holds on! ONE FOOT HITS THE FLOOR! He sways back and forth, but manages to pull himself back up. Taylor has gone over to try sending Mask over the top rope, but then decides to instead pop Declan Black in the face. Taylor shrugs, he’s got no love lost for anybody in this match. Grillo is back in, and doesn’t see Squirrelly Nuttz climbing the top rope! Nuttz leaps onto Grillo’s back, trying a sleeper hold? Grillo throws him off. Nuttz with a headbutt to the masked “cricket,” hoisting him up for a Death Valley Driver! Grillo elbows his way out, belly-to-back suplex! Grillo with a Fireman’s carry, walking Nuttz to the ropes. Nuttz grabs the top rope, trying to block. Eye gouge! Nuttz gets out, lands on the apron, and dumps Grillo!
Grillo AGAIN avoids elimination!! He skins the cat back in and catches Nuttz’ head in his legs, and with a headscissors pulls Squirrelly over — and out!
FRANK WARBURTON: Squirrelly Nuttz has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: How many times has Grillo Jr avoided elimination in this match? He simply won’t die!
JACK JONES: He is a cockroach!
BILL HEWSON: He’s the “cricket,” Jones!
JACK JONES: And he’s about to “bug” out!
Boo, Jack. But he’s right — Blake Taylor nails him with a running lariat that sends Grillo back over the top. Yet again, Grillo Jr skins the cat…
Only for Blake Taylor to kick him in the face while upside down. Grillo splats to the concrete!
FRANK WARBURTON: Grillo Jr has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: One heck of a debut performance by Grillo Jr, only to come up short thanks to “Blue Chip” Blake Taylor!
The fans give Grillo an ovation as he walks to the back as Taylor smirks. Declan Black attempts to toss Crimson Mask up and over! Mask lands on his feet, dodges a blow by Black, then nails him with a shoulderthrust through the ropes. Mask with a sunset flip attempt from the outside, Black rolls through, Mask up with a dropkick to the face! Blake Taylor catches Mask with a knee block! Taylor sends Mask to the turnbuckle and loads up with a running kick… Mask slips through the ropes and back in the other side! Taylor hits turnbuckle and turns into the JUSTICE PUNCH! Taylor slams back into the ropes and Mask tips his feet up and over!
FRANK WARBURTON: Blake Taylor has been eliminated!
JACK JONES: Disqualify Crimson Mask, refs! Do your job!
BILL HEWSON: That was fair and square, Hewson, “Blue Chip” lasting til the final three — but we are down to TWO men. Crimson Mask and “The Black Dragon”, winner gets a world title shot!
JACK JONES: Mask doesn’t even WANT the shot, he wants it to go to somebody more “deserving.”
BILL HEWSON: He has said that, but Crimson Mask also wants to make sure somebody like Declan Black DOESN’T get the shot!
Black. Mask. They circle around, and tie up. Black with an eyerake, followed by a hard European uppercut. Overhead belly-to-belly! Crimson Mask is wobbly… and he gets NAILED by a Regal-esque knee trembler! Black picks Mask up and attempts to toss him over the ropes, but Crimson Mask once again lands on the apron! Black feints, Mask instinctively ducks, and Black kicks Mask through the MIDDLE ropes. The superhero flails, one hand on the ropes, but before Black can attack again Mask dives through and rolls to his feet. Declan Black with a Roaring Elbow! Ducked! Mask with a dragon screw leg whip! Black on one knee… KNEE OF JUSTICE by Crimson Mask! The Code-Red Crusader poses heroically before grabbing Black by the head and running him into the ropes for a toss. But Black manages to land on his feet on the apron himself! Mask loads up — JUSTICE PUNCH!
Black slides in under the bottom rope and under Crimson Mask! Mask lands on his feet, turns around, into a Yakuza kick! Mask over the top rope but ONCE AGAIN Crimson Mask is on the ring apron, landing on his side. He pulls himself up —
Declan Black reaches through and viciously tugs the mask to the side. Crimson Mask can’t see! Black SNAPS the top rope into the blinded face of Crimson Mask! The masked avenger plummets to the floor below!
FRANK WARBURTON: Crimson Mask has been eliminated… your winner! “THE BLACK DRAGON” … DECLAN BLACK!
The fans are less than impressed. Mask is adjusting his hood and looks up to see Black celebrating. “Justice cannot be destroyed, Black Dragon… only delayed!” He swoops up the aisle. In the ring The Black Dragon is relishing the victory, making sure the fans know he is their better and drawing boos and jeers.
BILL HEWSON: Declan Black took a beating this contest. A man of few, if any, allies here in New Alberta Pro… but Declan Black has something he’s waited his entire career for. A shot at the World Championship!
JACK JONES: It could be ABBEY GRAVES! It could be JOSHUA RAPTURE! But we know who the champion will be facing next month!
Edmonton! Come to Happy Harbour Comics next weekend for a special meet n greet with NAPW wrestlers! Sammy Devine, Crimson Mask, the A-Team, and World Champion Abbey Graves will all be in attendance to sign autographs and take pictures. There will be some surprises — and best of all, it’s free!
JACK JONES: … the busiest week of my life. You don’t even know.
BILL HEWSON: You were playing video games the whole time!
JACK JONES: The Steam Summer Sale is serious business, Hewson.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following TAG TEAM match is scheduled for ONE FALL.
The crowd begins to boo as the sweet sounds of “Saint-Saens’ Symphony Number 3” begins to play.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first. Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED and SEVENTY FOUR pounds. From REGINA, Saskatchewan. He is accompanied by his TAG TEAM partner, THE EARL OF DOKKEN… CLANCY! KING!
THE EARL OF DOKKEN, wearing his “Yeoman” track-suit hustles out of the back. Then stops on the stage, and holds the curtain for his charge, CLANCY KING. King sweeps onto the stage with all the majesty of a royal, wearing his ermine cape, arms outstretched.
BILL HEWSON: Clancy King may be the ex-NAPW Champion, but he’s still carrying himself like he’s the ruler of all he surveys.
JACK JONES: How dare you pick on Clancy King, Hewson! He’s descended from British royalty! And he’s already got an uphill battle tonight… just look at his tag team partner! This is a farce!
BILL HEWSON: I admit… the Earl of Dokken doesn’t look like he can withstand much punishment in the ring. I expect King will be carrying this match.
King makes his way down the ramp, waving in the royal fashion to the jeering crowd, the Earl carrying his cape behind him. As they climb into the ring, the Earl holds the ropes open for King, who wipes his feet off, then steps in.
Disturbed and “Indestructible” hits the speakers to a big cheer from the crowd.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponent. Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED and SEVENTY SEVEN pounds. From St. Petersburgh, Russia. He is accompanied by his TAG TEAM partner, JACKSON KASS… the SOVIET SLAUGHTERHOUSE… ANTOOOOOOON! PETROV!
Big pop as ANTON PETROV steps from behind the curtain, flanked by JACKSON KASS in a blue, high-school style wrestling singlet that barely contains his gut. Kass also has elbow and knee pads, and red headgear.
JACK JONES: Kass looks ridiculous.
In the ring, King smirks up at the big Russian as the Earl removes his cape. The two men stare at each other for a long moment as the crowd’s excitement builds.
BILL HEWSON: This is a match that’s been brewing since the Earl of Dokken’s interference cost Anton Petrov the NAPW Championship.
JACK JONES: Uh… I think you mean, “since Clancy King dominated Anton Petrov and won the NAPW Championship single-handedly,” Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: However you want to spin it, Jack, you can’t deny that King added insult to injury after the match, and that got under Petrov’s skin.
JACK JONES: What’s insulting about reminding everyone that you’re just better than them, Hewson?
The moment lingers, with both teams staring at each other… and then Petrov and Kass sprint down the ramp and slide into the ring! Junior referee Stewie Lamoine calls for the bell!
DING! DING! DING!
Jackson Kass tries to go right for the Earl of Dokken, who lets out a shrill noise and dives out of the ring as Clancy King steps between the managers, and unloads a lariat that drops Kass, who rolls out of the ring, holding and shaking his head. Boo, says the crowd!
JACK JONES: Stay out of the kitchen if you can’t handle the heat, Jackass!
King sneers down at Kass, then turns into a LOU THEZS PRESS! The crowd explodes into cheers as Petrov rains down punches on King, angrily shouting “Where’s the ring! Where did you leave it!”
BILL HEWSON: An angry Anton Petrov is a dangerous opponent… but an unfocused opponent. Maybe his head’s still not quite in the game.
King manages to catch a rope with his hand, shouting at Lamoine to intervene, and the string-bean referee warns off Petrov. The Russian snorts and rises to his feet, as King pulls himself up on the ropes… only to have the Soviet Slaughterhouse grab him by the arm. “I!” He roughly pulls King into a short-arm clothesline! “WANT!” He pulls King back up… another clothesline! “THAT!” And back up… another clothesline! “RING!”
JACK JONES: Petrov is Pulverizing the former Champ! Someone stop him! Earl, get in there!
King scrambles back into a neutral corner, warning off Petrov and shouting “For… I DON’T HAVE YOUR STUPID RING! Get OVER it!” And Petrov launches into him with a shoulder thrust in the corner! King, winded, sags back as the crowd cheers, and Petrov backs off.
“You don’t have ring!?” He shouts. Then he reaches into his singlet… smirks…
… and pulls out that damned ring.
“Well let me give it back to you, comrade!”
The crowd goes bananas as Petrov slips the ring made of his old NAPW World Championship nameplate onto his finger. The Earl loudly begins protesting about the foreign object – but Lamoine goes to stop him entering the ring, failing to see Petrov UNLOAD with a punch right across King’s chops!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL! I think he just stamped his name on King’s kisser!
King topples forward in a heap as Petrov pulls the ring back off, laughing, and tosses it away to the ringside. He then goes to pin King… stops… reaches over to tag in Jackson Kass! The crowd cheers as the greasy manager hops back into the ring and hooks King’s leg!
JACK JONES: NO! Not like this! Earl, GET IN THERE!
But the Earl of Dokken has long ago shown he doesn’t need to be the legal man to be an effective partner.
The Earl is off the apron, rushing around the ring.
And the Earl has propped King’s foot on the ropes!
Lamoine calls for the rope break!
BILL HEWSON: Oh seriously?
The Earl smiles and waves up at a red-faced Jackson Kass who angrily shouts a torrent of insults down at him. Petrov shoots a pointed glare at the Earl from his corner, and the man visibly gulps and retreats back to his corner. Kass watches him go, then turns around to a big European Uppercut from King that sends him reeling back! King transitions around, grabbing Jackson by the head… Bulldog, right in the middle of the ring! He rises, grinning at Petrov who fumes in the corner, then pulls Kass up over his shoulders… BIG BEN! Kass crashes to the ring with a thunderous boom!
BILL HEWSON: Clancy King is like a lion TOYING with his prey. Kass doesn’t stand a chance against that powerhouse, and King is refusing to tag in the Earl.
JACK JONES: King can win this match all by himself, Hewson. Why tag in a man who might be a liability?
King pulls the woozy looking manager back up… and locks in a Straightjacket Crossface! Kass lets out a cry of pain and starts trying to edge toward the ropes, but Clancy has him locked in tight, grinning and shouting “Tap out! Submit!” Kass just can’t get close enough for the break! Petrov starts getting the crowd clapping, shouting encouragement at his manager. Kass stomps along, trying to build up some steam. Then he starts squirming toward his corner! He stretches out his leg as far as he can, while King cranks back on the hold… Petrov reaches in, his fingertips outstretched…
BILL HEWSON: Was that a tag!?
JACK JONES: I think that was a tag!
The lightest of touches… but Stewie Lamoine calls the tag! The crowd erupts as Petrov storms back into the ring with a lariat that knocks King back and frees Kass who rolls out of the ring! He hits the ropes for the rebound… but King has him scouted! DEVINE RIGHT… NO! Petrov ducks around behind Clancy! The Earl waves his arms ineffectually, “Watch out!” BOOM! Soviet Suckerpunch to the back of the head! King staggers forward into his corner and the Earl’s arms.
There’s a beat.
Petrov stares at the corner.
King stares into the Earl’s face.
The crowd slowly begins to catch on, and the volume begins to rise.
Stewie Lamoine is calling it a tag.
JACK JONES: Oh no.
Petrov LAUGHS OUT LOUD, then grabs King roughly, runs him to the opposite side of the ring and ejects him over the top rope as far from his corner as he possibly can! He then looks back at a pale Earl of Dokken… and TAGS IN JACKSON KASS.
THE CROWD ASPLODE!
JACK JONES: OH NO.
Petrov bails from the ring and lays into King at ringside, preventing him from getting to his corner. Kass steps into the ring, grinning. The Earl continues to just stand there, with a thousand yard stare. Lamoine orders him into the ring… then starts counting him out! 1! 2! 3! Kass is shouting at the Earl to man up! The crowd starts chanting “Fight him Earl! Fight him Earl!” 4! 5! 6! The Earl steps through the ropes, slowly…
And before he can bail, Kass is ON HIM! He knocks the Earl down and it’s just a brawl of punches and kicks and shouting! Stewie Lamoine tries to get some semblance of control, but the two men just keep pummelling at each other!
BILL HEWSON: Kass has been looking to get his hands on the Earl of Dokken for months, and he’s not letting the opportunity go to waste!
At ringside, King’s managed to get the upper hand on Petrov, ramming him into the guard-rail, then goes to slide into the ring and save his manager… but Petrov grabs him by the foot and pulls him right back out to cheers from the crowd! He pulls King to his feet… and gets a thumb to the eye!
BILL HEWSON: The usual poor-sportsmanship from Clancy King.
JACK JONES: They’re not the legal men, Hewson! All’s fair at ringside!
Petrov recoils, and King follows up with an European Uppercut that drops the Soviet Slaughterhouse at ringside. In the ring, the Earl has managed to extricate himself from Kass and is crawling toward the ropes. King reaches in and pulls him from the ring like a ragdoll to boos from the crowd. Kass rushes over and shouts down at King, who climbs up on the apron and glares at the manager.
So Kass slaps him right in the face!
The crowd cheers… and King angrily grabs Kass’ head and drops him across the ropes! STUNGUN! Kass actually flies backward into the ring, landing on his back, and spasming! Lamoine warns off Clancy, who’s not the legal man, then starts counting out the Earl… but he only gets to 2 before King rolls the Earl back into the ring, shouting “PIN HIM! END THIS!”
JACK JONES: Yes! Do it! Finish him!
The Earl crawls over, painfully slowly, as King pounds on the apron… STO AT RINGSIDE FROM PETROV! King is laid out just as the Earl goes to throw his arm over Kass! Lamoine drops for the count!
Petrov is in the ring!
He plucks the Earl off of Kass like he’s a small animal!
BILL HEWSON: Oh, the HUMANITY!
The crowd is going wild!
JACK JONES: GET THAT INSANE RUSSIAN OUT OF THE RING, REF!
Dokken is essentially dead. Petrov is laughing as Stewie Lamoine orders him out of the ring, and the Soviet Slaughterhouse bails. King is up, shaking his head, and sees Jackson Kass, weakly throwing an arm over the prone Earl.
King’s eyes bug out!
He SURGES into the ring!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners… ANTOOOOON PETROV! And JACKSONNNNNN! KASSSSS!
JACK JONES: There are no words, Hewson.
The crowd is cheering wildly as King sits in the ring, jaw hanging open. Petrov is already back in the ring, raising a somewhat limp Kass’ arm in victory – the pudgy manager grinning ear-to-ear.
BILL HEWSON: After months of interference and shenanigans… it looks like the Earl of Dokken has finally eaten his just deserts. Or, maybe I should say his just pudding?
JACK JONES: NO WORDS, Hewson.
King rolls out of the ring, pulls the Earl behind him, then throws the wreckage of his manager over his shoulders and starts back up the ring as the crowd starts chanting “JACK-SON-KASS! JACK-SON-KASS!”
BILL HEWSON: With this chapter behind them, maybe Petrov and King can finally move on… but will either be getting a shot to reclaim the NAPW World Title soon? And who would they be facing?
JACK JONES: Good segue, because the championship will be decided NEXT!
BILL HEWSON: Fans, we are just moments away from the first of two main events. The NAPW World Title will be on the line — what?
JACK JONES: Looks like we have an unscheduled appearance!
BILL HEWSON: It’s Bristol Bush, “Miss ‘Murrica” herself! I didn’t know she was booked this month…
As “American Ride” plays over the PA and Toby Keith blathers something jingoistic, a tall athletic young woman dressed in red, white and blue makes her way to the ring. She passes the NAPW fans with a look of disgust she doesn’t bother to hide. This is “Miss ‘Murrica” Bristol Bush, and she has something to say. Bush slides into the ring with a mic in hand.
Bristol Bush: Ah hope y’all are the kinds of Canucks that speak English and not Cheese-Eatin’ Surrender Monkey cuz Ah got summin’ important to talk ‘bout. Mah name is Bristol Bush and Ah come from the greatest country on Earth… the Yooooonited States of ‘Murrica! And as a proud ‘Murrican, Ah’m excited that in a lil’ while it’ll be mah fave’rit holiday… the Fourth o’ Jooooooly! That’s when ‘Murrica declared it’s freedom from those inbred limely and found a revolution to win it. Not like y’all who waited ‘round until England got tired of luggin’ a bunch of frozen deadweight and cut ya lose! That’s why ‘Murrica is the last remain’ superpower and Canada is clingin’ to the coattails of Uncle Sam!
This doesn’t go over well, oddly enough. A loud “YOU SUCK” chant erupts from the fans. Bristol is quite annoyed at this.
Bristol Bush: Oh, Ah suck? No, it’s y’all that suck! Canada suck on ‘Murrica’s teat! Y’all suck on moose lard and that swill ya call beer! Ah’m a gen-yoo-wine ‘Murrican woman… toned, tight, and titilatin.’ Not like those lumps y’all got up here! And Ah’m gonna show ya just what a ‘Murrican gal can do. So Canada… considered yourself invaded by the USA!
Sliding out of the ring, Bristol Bush heads to the back while chanting “USA! USA!” She can barely be heard over the booing of the partisan crowd.
JACK JONES: … I LIKE her!
BILL HEWSON: You don’t have a chance. In her debut, Bush was defeated by Crimson Mask, but tonight — “Miss ‘Murrica” with a strong message for New Alberta Pro! And NEXT… I think. The NAPW WORLD TITLE is on the line!
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JACK JONES: And the rest is history!
BILL HEWSON: … what is?
JACK JONES: That’s the end of the story.
BILL HEWSON: But, you didn’t tell a story. You just sat down and said, “the rest is history.”
JACK JONES: How about the action tonight, am I right, Hewson?
BILL HEWSON: … yes, Jack Attack. Good evening, NAPW fans! If you’re just joining us, you’re watching NAPW TAGSTRAVAGANZA here in the Polish Hall, and what an event we’ve had so far! An absolutely incredible over-the-top-rope Battle Royale involving much of NAPW’s new singles talent, won by Declan Black! “The Black Dragon” in line for a World title match sometime in the near future.
JACK JONES: That was hard to call, but what a match! I needed some pepto after seeing guys get tossed up and down and to and fro. How about all the tag team action we’ve had tonight! We haven’t even had the finals of Tagstravaganza yet!
BILL HEWSON: I didn’t forget, Jack Attack, it truly has been an exciting day for tag team wrestling, as the three qualifying matches for TAGSTRAVAGANZA are in the books. Four teams set to compete for the coveted blue jackets AND championship. And don’t forget about Anton Petrov and Clancy King, fighting with each of their respective managers as tag team partners.
JACK JONES: You don’t have to remind me, Hewson, that match gets my vote for best of the night! Kass and the Earl in their ridiculous outfits!
BILL HEWSON: I think the image of Jackson Kass in that high school wrestling singlet will be stuck will all of us for a while, Jack Attack. And there’s more, still to come, as Frank Warburton stands in the ring to announce the next exciting bout!
The fans in attendance hush as Frank Warburton raises the microphone to his mouth for the fans in attendance, and the ones watching at home, can hear his silky smooth, yet powerful voice!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is for the NAPW. WORLD. CHAMPIONSHIP!
The fans pop huge! “GRAVES” chants begin to grow from every section of the arena! Signs can be seen held up by the fans saying “Dig Rapture a GRAVE” and “Canada Loves ABBEY” among other things! The lights dim, and “Death’s Got a Warrant” hits the speakers, immediately reversing the crowd’s excitement into pure loathing! JOSHUA RAPTURE, the leader of the New Dawn, hits the stage, two mysterious hooded figures close behind him!
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, the CHALLENGER! Hailing from Sweetwater, Texas, weighing in at TWO HUNDRED FIFTEEN POUNDS! Accompanied to the ring by two members of the New Dawn! JOSHUA! RAPTURE!
JACK JONES: Here he comes, Hewson! The guy that’s gonna take Graves’ belt away from her! Finally!
BILL HEWSON: I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Jack Attack. If I’m not mistaken, I believe the New Dawn has FORBIDDEN Joshua Rapture from winning the match, which would explain their decision to join Rapture to ringside.
JACK JONES: Ahh, it’s all an act, Hewson! Rapture’s gonna win, hands down.
BILL HEWSON: We’ll see, Jack Attack. Either way, this will prove to be an interesting match!
Rapture and the two hooded figures circle around to the far side of the ring, near the announce table, waiting for the champion to make her appearance. Then, Rapture’s music dies down, and the fans don’t even give the champ a moment to be announced, as the ROOF COMES OFF THE PLACE! “Set the Stage” by the Warriors hits the PA system, but how do you hear it over these fans? Abbey Graves, NAPW Championship snug around her waist, pops out of the curtain and meets her fans with as much appreciation as she can muster. Frank Warburton almost has to shout to be heard over the fans!
FRANK WARBURTON: And now, introducing his opponent! Making her way to the ring, from Coram, New York, weighing in at ONE HUNDRED THIRTY POUNDS! She is your NAPW WORLD CHAMPION! ABBEY! GRAVES!
BILL HEWSON: And here comes the champion! What an impressive reign she’s had so far, especially for a young woman of her physique, overcoming Anton Petrov and Clancy King in a triple threat match, which is no small feat!
JACK JONES: Yes, but let’s not forget about what happened last month, Hewson, when Miss Graves lost to Jay Deschain. We should be having Jay Deschain versus Joshua Rapture tonight!
BILL HEWSON: Did we see the same match, Jack Attack? Jay Deschain won by disqualification with an underhanded move that put Abbey Graves in an unfavorable situation, and as we both know, the title can not change hands on a disqualification.
JACK JONES: Yes, and Abbey Graves knew that too, which is why she hit Jay Deschain with the steel chair; to prevent losing her title!
BILL HEWSON: I remember that match going quite a different direction, Jack Attack, but it doesn’t much matter now, as we have Graves versus Rapture happening right here, right now!
Graves hits the aisle half-running, half-skipping, slapping as many of the fans’ outstretched hands down the aisle as she can. “ABBEY GODDAMN GRAVES” chants ring out. Once she hits the ring, though, it’s all business, staring down Rapture with vicious intentions as she removes the belt, holding it up for Rapture to see! Rapture turns to the members of the New Dawn, and he appears to be arguing with them, perhaps pleading them to allow him to win the match. They wave him off, shaking their heads.
BILL HEWSON: This is exactly what I was talking about. The New Dawn does not want Joshua Rapture winning this match, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: It’s a ploy, Hewson! A gambit! You know how unpredictable Joshua Rapture can be! He’s going to catch Graves unaware and relieve her of her title, you watch!
BILL HEWSON: You’ve got money on this match, haven’t you?
JACK JONES: Of course.
BILL HEWSON: Who’d you bet? Anton Petrov again?
JACK JONES: It’s not like that, Hewson. This time I’m gonna get that commie’s money!
BILL HEWSON: Jack Attack, the first step to curing your addiction is to admit that you have a problem.
Rapture hangs his head in defeat, unable to convince the New Dawn to change their minds. He climbs into the ring where Abbey has backed into her corner, having handed the NAPW title off to referee Morgan Smythe, who holds it up for Rapture to see. Rapture turns his head away from the belt, looking disappointed. Graves hasn’t taken her death glare off of the leader of the New Dawn. Smythe hands the belt off to the timekeeper, and there’s the bell!
DING DING DING.
Rapture and Graves take a few steps out of the corner, measuring each other up, looking for the opportunity to get the early upper hand.
BILL HEWSON: A little measuring up here. Rapture outweighs our champion by about eighty-five pounds, but as we have already seen, size matters little when it comes to the Princess of Profanity!
Rapture goes in for a lock up, but Graves sidesteps into a quick side headlock that catches Rapture off guard. Rapture heaves Graves away from him and into the ropes, where Graves rebounds with a headscissors takedown, bringing both competitors to the mat! Graves kips neatly up to her feet as Rapture rolls to find a vertical base, shaking out the cobwebs, but Graves is back on the offensive! A couple of stiff kicks to Rapture’s torso staggers him, then she follows up with a SNAP DDT putting Rapture HARD back down to the mat!
BILL HEWSON: Impressive offense from Graves so far, keeping on the offensive now switches into a front facelock, wearing down the head of the challenger!
JACK JONES: This is far from over, Hewson! Rapture is forcing his way to his feet!
Rapture, up to one knee, Graves still with the hold locked in tight, throws one, two, three punches to Abbey’s torso forcing her to break the hold! Rapture swings with a LARIAT, Graves ducks under and hits the ropes! Rapture bends for a back body drop, Graves dives over with a rollup attempt!
Cover only gets a one-and-one-half count as Rapture hurriedly gets the shoulder up. Graves is looking to stay on the offensive, but Rapture rolls out of the ring avoiding more punishment and the crowd boos!
JACK JONES: Just getting a little air, Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: Graves isn’t going to wait for that, Jack Attack!
Indeed, Graves drops and climbs out of the ring to give chase while Rapture shakes out the cobwebs. Graves puts her hands on his shoulders, RAPTURE with a quick elbow to the face dazes the champion! Rapture with a second elbow! A third! Graves is reeling as Rapture hooks her and IRISH WHIPS the champion into the corner! The fans boo!
BILL HEWSON: What an underhanded move by the challenger!
JACK JONES: Taking advantage of Graves’ overconfidence? I call it legitimate strategy, Hewson!
Graves seems to be favoring her shoulder as Rapture rolls her into the ring and follows shortly after to break Morgan Smythe’s count at four. Now Rapture is on the offensive, as he hooks Graves and hauls her to her feet, setting her up for a SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE that puts her back on the mat! But he’s not finished yet, as he picks Graves back up and hits her with a SECOND short arm clothesline before releasing her arm!
BILL HEWSON: Graves is really favoring that shoulder after that irish whip into the ring post!
Rapture mouths off Graves for a moment as she uses the ropes to pull herself back up. Rapture with an irish whip into the ropes, Graves reverses the irish whip into one of her own! Rapture off the ropes, Graves with a DROPKICK, but Rapture held the ropes, stopping his momentum cold and Graves lands hard on the mat, arching her back. Rapture smirks as he hauls Graves up to her feet and forces her into the corner! Rapture with an irish whip to the opposite corner, on Graves’ heels to follow up with a cartwheel lariat in the corner! Rapture with a couple of strikes in the corner, Referee Morgan Smythe starts her count, but Rapture lets Graves out of the corner before she even gets to one!
BILL HEWSON: Interesting decision by Rapture, I wouldn’t have expected him to let Graves out of the corner so quick — SNAP BUTTERFLY SUPLEX by Rapture! And the cover only gets a two count!
JACK JONES: Like I said before, Rapture is an unpredictable fellow. You think Graves expects Rapture to play by the rules?
BILL HEWSON: I suppose that’s an interesting way to look at it — WHOA LOOK OUT!
Rapture finds himself tumbling to the outside right in front of the announce table after Graves reversed an irish whip and sent Rapture sailing over the top rope! The New Dawn members clear out of the way as Rapture tries to find a vertical base. Graves is leaning against the ropes, looks down at Rapture and breathes the words “fuck it.” Graves hits the opposite ropes, head full of steam, SUICIDE PLANCHA AND BOTH GRAVES AND RAPTURE CRASH HARD TO THE FLOOR!
JACK JONES: I think our table shifted with that impact, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: Both competitors are slowly getting to their feet, but after that move, one has to wonder how much gas they have left in the tank!
Graves, equally the victim of that move as Rapture was, favors her shoulder as she hooks Rapture up and tries to smash his face off the announce table! Rapture with the counter, gets his hands up to stop the momentum, and instead GRAVES gets her head slammed off the table! In the meantime, referee Morgan Smythe’s count has reached SEVEN! Rapture leaves Graves slumped against the announce table to climb in and then back out of the ring to reset the count, and then he looks toward the New Dawn members, bickering with them further. However, they are adamant on their decision, shaking their heads. Rapture growls in anger and turns to vent his frustration on the champion, hooking her up — GRAVES WITH A WILD BLOW TO THE MIDSECTION! The fans are cheering as Graves fights back with elbows and knees, backing Rapture into the apron! Graves hooks Rapture, swings him around and puts ALL of her weight into an IRISH WHIP that sends Rapture CRASHING into the ring steps with a resounding BANG! The fans go “oooooh!” as Rapture arches his back in pain, the members of the New Dawn looking on, seemingly disinterested. Smythe’s count has gone back up to EIGHT!
BILL HEWSON: I think they heard the sound of that crash all the way in Red Deer, Jack Attack! Rapture will be feeling that for a while!
JACK JONES: I think I felt it too, Hewson! What a move!
Graves SHOVES Rapture back into the ring, and follows in after, breaking the count at NINE! Graves rolls Rapture over, hooks the leg, and we have another cover attempt!
KICKOUT AT TWO by Rapture! Graves is frustrated, but she keeps her cool. Graves is on her feet, and feeds Rapture a couple of STOMPS to the midsection to keep him down! Graves is going up top! The crowd cheers as Graves gets to the top rope, Rapture doesn’t seem to know where he is! GRAVES OFF THE TOP DOUBLE-FOOT STOMP-NOBODY HOME!
BILL HEWSON: WHOA! Rapture rolled out of the way JUST in the nick of time to avoid what COULD be a match ending move! Now Graves is feeling the effects of the missed maneuver!
JACK JONES: It’s only a matter of time, Hewson! Just like I said.
Graves falls to the mat, holding her legs in pain as Rapture uses the ropes to pull himself up. Rapture stalks toward Graves, now on his feet, hooks her arms and drives a knee right between her shoulder blades! Surfboard submission hold locked in, going to work on the injured shoulder of Graves! Graves cries out in pain from her very uncomfortable seated position, realizing she is just close enough to the ropes and gets her foot on the bottom rope to force a break! Rapture releases the hold immediately before throwing a STIFF elbow into the injured shoulder of Graves! Graves rolls on the mat, favoring that arm, and Rapture is now in complete control!
BILL HEWSON: This isn’t looking good for the champ right now, Jack Attack!
Rapture hooks Graves as she tries to find her feet, trapping the injured arm and feeding her STRONG elbow strikes! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN strikes and then Rapture releases her, letting her fall down to the mat, holding that arm. Rapture rolls Graves onto her back and goes for the cover, but the determined Graves kicks out before Morgan Smythe can even get to one! The members of the New Dawn scold Rapture from outside the ring, but he doesn’t seem to hear them as he hooks Graves up for the MARTYR’S BURDEN!
JACK JONES: Here we go, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: No, Graves gets out of it! Rapture sent to the corner… ABBEY ROAD!
ABBEY ROAD CONNECTS! She signals for the Abbey Graves DROP, hooks the head of Rapture, and…
Because Jay Deschain is walking down the entrance ramp.
BILL HEWSON: What the hell is HE doing here?
JACK JONES: He’s come to see me win fifty bucks, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: Earlier tonight, champion Abbey Graves rescued Lardo from a post-match beat down at the hands of that man, Jay Deschain, who escaped before Graves could get her hands on him!
Jay Deschain smirks at Graves when they make eye contact, to which Abbey Graves responds with a middle finger.
BUT SHE DOESN’T SEE RAPTURE COMING!
THR-NO NO NO GRAVES GOT THE SHOULDER UP!
BILL HEWSON: That was a close one! Jay Deschain almost cost our champ the victory!
JACK JONES: It’s not Deschain’s fault that Graves can’t keep her eyes on the prize, Hewson!
Graves narrowly avoided defeat there, but Rapture smells blood! Rapture hauls Graves to her feet, irish whip, reversed by Graves! Reversed again by Rapture into another brutal SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE! Graves is down! Rapture wastes little time!
Hits the second turnbuckle…
DIVING KNEE DROP!
CONNECTS SOLIDLY INTO GRAVES MIDSECTION!
TH— SHOULDER UP!
JACK JONES: This is it, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: What is Deschain doing?
Rapture looks ready to put Graves away, but Deschain calls out to him from outside the ring! Graves is being checked on by Morgan Smythe as Rapture walks over to the ropes near where Deschain is standing. “Here,” Deschain says, and tosses him a RAIL SPIKE. Rapture catches it and holds it in his hands, looking at it.
BILL HEWSON: It’s a rail spike! Rapture used one of those to basically SCALP Andellion Moonwater a few months ago! But… Rapture will be disqualified if uses that…
JACK JONES: What?! He doesn’t belong here! Where the hell is security when you need them? The title can’t change hands on a disqualification!
BILL HEWSON: Not just that, imagine the damage that rail spike could do to our champion, Jack Attack! Wait, what’s Rapture doing?
Rapture looks up at Deschain from the rail spike, and… tosses it out of the ring? Rapture doesn’t want to win that way! Rapture tells off Deschain and turns to finish what he started. He picks up the dazed Graves. Irish whip into the corner. Rapture charges, Graves gets the boot up! The champion sits on the top rope, hooks Rapture’s head for a TORNADO DDT.
Rapture lands on his feet, sends Graves into the ropes — LARIAT BY RAPTURE!
Ducked! Kick to the gut by Graves!
ABBEY GRAVES DROP!
No! Rapture throws her off! The champion lands on her feet, off-balance, and Rapture charges again. She ducks! Rapture hits the ropes, falls through… whoooooaaaaaaaa!
JACK JONES: Holy hell!
BILL HEWSON: Champion just got destroyed THE COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE — SHOULDER UP! SHOULDER UP!
JACK JONES: You’ve gotta be KIDDING.
Rapture himself can’t believe it. Graves spun up and over and then up and over again, now moaning in pain on the canvas. Rapture looks over to the two New Dawn members on the outside. He twitches.
They shake their hooded heads.
Rapture eyes them… and makes a decision.
He’s going to win this goddamned match.
Rapture thoists a limp Graves up, standing headscissors. He flips her up for the MARTYR’S BURDEN —
The champion spins and flips out at the apex, delivering the GRAVEMAKER backstabber to Joshua Rapture! What!
BILL HEWSON: Amazing counter! And … she has the Dragon Sleeper locked on!
Graves has Rapture’s head and arms locked, knees in the back!
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!
BILL HEWSON: GRAVEMAKER locked in tight, Jack Attack! Nowhere for Rapture to go!
JACK JONES: Except to the ropes! Which he is! This isn’t over!
The crowd is absolutely bananas! Graves wrenches back on the hold tight as she can, but her shoulders are down! As referee Morgan Smythe drops to make the three count, Graves rolls Rapture onto his stomach, still applying the deadly pressure to the hold! Nowhere near the ropes, Rapture holds on as long as he can as Morgan Smythe asks if he wants to submit.
Rapture holds on, holds on, fingers futilely grasping at air. He reaches around with his free hand as Graves screams for all she’s worth. Rapture is silent but clearly in intense pain. He tries to get a handhold, a fistful of hair, anything.
Rapture taps out to the champion.
DING DING DING
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner by submission, and STILL NAPW WORLD CHAMPION! ABBEY! GRAVES!
JACK JONES: You have GOT to be kidding me!
BILL HEWSON: After an incredibly hard fought battle, Abbey Graves retains her NAPW title by submission, and now, it seems, you owe Petrov more money.
JACK JONES: Bloody hell. Hewson, can I stay on your couch for a few nights?
BILL HEWSON: You are not dragging me into this, Jack Attack, just pay the man.
Abbey Graves, grinning ear-to-ear, on her knees in the ring, is handed her title belt by Morgan Smythe. She kisses it, then hits a corner to raise it high for the crowd to see. Jay Deschain, still at ringside, is sarcastically applauding her, but she doesn’t seem to be bothering to notice him. She’s not letting him ruin her moment.
Joshua Rapture, hanging from the ropes, is watching her. His expression is bizarre – cracked, even. Slowly, the two hooded figures rise up the steps and enter the ring to collect him. As they approach, he turns to face them… and his face contorts with rage.
“ARE YOU HAPPY!? IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED!?”
Graves turns on her perch, eyebrows raised. One of the two New Dawn members goes to take Rapture’s arm, but he recoils with a snarl, then surges forward and clotheslines the everloving hell out of the man! The crowd gasps as the hooded figure is laid out and Morgan Smythe orders the bell to be rung again… but Rapture isn’t paying attention. He grabs the second hooded figure as it tries to scramble away, sets him up.
THE HOLY CULL!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
Deschain laughs at ringside and Graves is shouting at Rapture to get a hold of himself, while Morgan Smythe tries to warn him off – but she’s hesitant to get too close to the unhinged wrestler. Rapture bails from the ring… to retrieve his RAIL SPIKE. The crowd screams!
BILL HEWSON: Stop that man!
Smythe has had enough and calls for security. Several men rush down the ramp and catch Rapture before he can slide back into the ring to do something regretful, and start hauling him kicking and screaming to the back, spittle flying.
“I DID THIS ALL FOR YOU! AND YOU GIVE ME NOTHING! NOTHING! I’LL BURY YOU ALL! I’LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!”
BILL HEWSON: Joshua Rapture didn’t have far to go… and it looks like he’s finally gone off the deep end.
JACK JONES: I hate to agree with you Hewson, but that’s a dangerous, deranged man.
Deschain thinks its hilarious. As Rapture disappears behind the curtain, Graves turns a glare at him. He tried to arm Rapture. She won’t forget that. She raises her belt back up over her head and the crowd gives one last cheer as two officials from the back check on the hooded men.
JACK JONES: Cripes. And we’ve still got one more match to go!
BILL HEWSON: And if you thought this was a J.R.-Style Slobberknocker – just wait! TAGSTRAVAGANZA is NEXT!
Backstage, in the Polish Hall, there is a small gathering in the Those-Ill Locker room. A group of strange folk, to be sure. A Black man in red crushed velvet with a ‘fro and a guitar. A pair of women, one with midnight black hair and absolutely pale, colorless skin, one with bleach-blonde, ultra ivory hair and ebony black skin. Two big, bearded, tattooed Biker types. A guy so covered with tattoos, his very face done up in tribal colors. A lanky guy with no shirt and an Army surplus fatigue jacket. Three assorted women of all varieties, and the list went on.
And sitting in the center of this group of people on a bench… Lambert Haniel and Nobody. Both looking absolutely calm and relaxed. Nobody has pulled her knees under herself, sitting in a fighter’s kneel. Lambert is meditating, or simply napping, sitting in a lotus position.
A man with a bottle of water pours it slowly over Lambert’s head, smoothing his hair back. The moustached man grins, slowly opening his eyes as an NAPW staffer walks into the room. A glance over the… Uh. Chaos? Strangeness? And then, the staffer looks to Lambert.
Staffer: Mister Haniel? Miss Nobody? You’re up…
Lambert glances over to his right, where the erstwhile NAPW Interview Lackey, Bobby Korderas, is sitting.
Lambert Haniel: Bobby, do me a favor?
Bobby Korderas: Of course.
Lambert Haniel: I know I’ve shown you some strange things over the past few months. Epic trips through space and time, all sorts of intimate wrestling knowledge… But I need you to do something simple for me.
Bobby Korderas: What is it?
Lambert Haniel: Say my name.
A moment passes.
Bobby Korderas: Lambert… Haniel?
Lambert’s moustached grin widens.
Lambert Haniel: You’re god damned right. Again.
Bobby Korderas: Lambert Haniel.
The Time Travelling, Intergalactic Lord of All Funk and Love lets his eyes slide shut. The NAPW staffer at the door could swear that off in the distance, she could hear lightning. Thunder. The rumble of a distant earthquake, the onrushing of a powerful wind and storm surge that would hit with the force of a nuclear detonation…
Was that “A Night on Bald Mountain,” playing somewhere distantly in the arena?
Lambert Haniel: One last time.
Bobby looks to the people arranged around them. All the partying and celebration had stopped. Peace reigned, as everyone watched Bobby with owl-like eyes.
Bobby Korderas: …Lambert Haniel.
Lambert brings both hands together with a room-shaking clap, then spreads those hands wide.
Lambert Haniel: It’s showtime.
The black man with the afro knows his job. He already had an electric guitar slung onto his back, and quickly pops his hips, sliding it down to fall right into his hands. As if possessed by the ghost of Jimi himself, this man begins to play. And he’s playing the opening chords to “Are You Experienced?”.
JACK JONES: … ruined most of my basement.
BILL HEWSON: Your hot water tank is not meant for brewing Moonshine, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: Well I know that NOW.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen it’s time for the MAIN EVENT… TAG! STRAVA! GAAAAAANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The crowd in the arena cheers!
The arena’s speakers kick to life in the middle of the Jimi Hendrix Experience song “Are You Experienced?”. Rather than any flashy lighting going on, the curtains are already being thrown wide by the man on the gee-tar playing the song. Though no cords can be seen, chords can most certainly be heard. He’s playing the entrance music live as all get-out.
Immediately behind him with a towel draped over his head walks LAMBERT HANIEL, still barechested and without his jacket – he dropped that off at the first match, and didn’t bother grabbing it. Instead, he walks out, still in the white linen trousers from before. Standing upon the stage, Lambert spreads his arms out to the side, grinning pridefully. A hand snatches the towel off his head and whips it to the side.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first… LAMBERT HANIEL…
And just after Lambert walks the monstrous figure in angelic, pure, brilliant white. Her mask still firmly covering her face, NOBODY steps out from the curtains, tugging her gloves more firmly onto her hands. Fingers clench, shoulders rolling and muscles flexing in her titanic torso as she looms to her full height.
FRANK WARBURTON: AND NOBODY… they are THOSE THAT WOULD INFLICT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!
The smaller man drops to his knees, arms spreading out to either side as he lets his head fall back. Nobody simply stands there, muscles tensed, undoubtedly watching the ring.
Lambert reaches a hand up, and Nobody snags onto it, yanking the man back to his feet, effortless as could be. And then, the twosome begins the walk down to the ring. Their friend on the guitar continues to shred on the entryway ramp, working the strings as fast as his fingers would go.
Lambert and Nobody make their way to ringside, before Lambert dives right in under the bottom rope! Springing to his feet, the barechested man throws both arms out to the side, fingers splayed and facing them palms upward. He’s here, in the Main Event, ready for war. Nobody mounts the apron, pushes the top rope down and smoothly slips right over the top rope.
JACK JONES: What an entrance! Ill have really pulled out the stops!
BILL HEWSON: Ill are undefeated so far in tag team action – thanks to the underhanded cunning of Lambert Haniel and the brutal physicality of Nobody. They overcame LEGION to make it here – and they want to stamp their names on the blue jackets.
Offspring kicks up with “Original Prankster” and the crowd’s enthusiasm turns into a hearty mix of cheers and boos.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents… ERIC CAMERON! SHANE STONE! Theeeeee PHENOMENONS!
ERIC CAMERON and SHANE STONE both rush from behind the curtain, then stop up on the stage and raise their arms for the crowd. “Pops” doesn’t seem to be with them anymore… but Cameron has a grimy looking sack with him. Gross. It’s Francis isn’t it?
JACK JONES: I don’t know if these fans know exactly what to make of these guys. Do they love them or hate them?
BILL HEWSON: Well, they’re vile, reprehensible and insane. But they’re also funny, quirky and bizarre. I remind you these fans also cheered for Krusty Kidd Paul, “Sick” Billy Kyrenik and “Superstar” Tommy Deathrow.
JACK JONES: Good point.
Cameron and Stone exchange high, medium and low fives, then march themselves to the ring, mouthing off at all the flighty Canadians as they go. Cameron drops the sack at ringside near one of the corners as they climb in, then each hit a corner to take a moment and… I don’t know, are they posing, mouthing off, partying or all three? The fans cheer! And jeer! It’s crazy, just like these guys are.
The duo hops down from the ringposts, then make their way to one of the remaining corners, nodding to Haniel and Nobody as they go.
BILL HEWSON: Respect, perhaps?
JACK JONES: Respect or not, these teams will tear each other apart for the big prize tonight.
As the Phenomenons music fades, “Thank You” by MKTO blasts into its place to a BIG cheer from the crowd.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents… COLTON STERLING! AND JAXON QUEEN! FUUUUUUUTUUUUUUUURE SHOCK!
From behind the curtains, JAXON QUEEN and COLTON STERLING erupt – sprinting down the ramp, slapping hands as they go. They then do a full circuit of the ring, glad-handing everyone in the front row – before sliding into the ring.
BILL HEWSON: Well, there’s NO mistaking that reaction, Jack Attack. These fans seem to like the team of Future Shock.
JACK JONES: Yeah, I guess they’re okay. But they qualified against another “okay” team in the Scars – and now they’re up against the totally bonkers Phenomenons, the brutally insane Those That Would Inflict Ill AND the undefeated NAPW Tag Team Champion Rabble ALL AT THE SAME TIME. They have no chance, Hewson. None whatsoever.
Stone and Cameron shout at the Future Shock duo and extend their hands, clearly also looking for some glad-handing. Queen and Sterling exchange a look, shrug, then go over and shake their hands too. Fans laugh and applaud – but there’s no shenanigans there. The Phenomenons look pleased as punch as their opponents head to one of the other corners to get set up as their music fades out.
BILL HEWSON: Man, this crowd is already buzzing…
The lights dim and begin to flicker and strobe and Nymphomania begins telling the crowd “I Want Your Body.” All the fans begin to boo as the destible and “undefeated” NAPW Tag Team Champions, the Rabble dance their way through the curtains with their entire entourage of RABBLE ROUSERS.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents… at a combined weight of FOUR-HUNDRED and THIRTY THREE pounds! They are the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! Accompanied to the ring by their brother GUSTAV. ERNST! GRETA! THEEEEEEEEEE… RABBLE!
GUSTAV, looking a little worse for wear from his beating earlier in the night, leads the party as they all dance down to ringside, where GRETA and ERNST climb up into the ring. They take a moment to pose for the crowd, holding both the NAPW Tag Team Championship belts, and their @nerdist Podcast Tag Team Title Belts. Greta, in particular, shoots dangerous glares at all three other teams, and makes a point of holding her belts up for them to see. She shouts something harsh in German as the lights change back to normal.
BILL HEWSON: As usual, Greta looks deadly serious and ready for action… and her brothers not as much.
JACK JONES: Why should they be deadly serious, Hewson? The Rabble are UNDEFEATED champions – they haven’t even faced a serious threat before since joining the NAPW.
BILL HEWSON: Revisionist history aside, I’ll grant they’re the freshest team in the match. As champions advantage, they did get a bye into the final – while all three other teams had to get here the hard way earlier tonight.
At ringside, Martin Chan and Moose are both informing Gustav he can stay… but the rest of the Rabble Rousers are barred from ringside for the first fall of the match. Gustav nearly pitches a fit, but Ernst shouts something down at him, and then orders the rousers reluctantly back up the ramp. Head referee Morgan Smythe has taken up a position near the time-keeper’s table, while Stewie Lamoine also takes up another position nearby. All four referees are out to TRY and keep an eye on what promises to be an insane match.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is an ELIMINATION TAG TEAM MATCH. After the first team is eliminated, TORNADO TAG TEAM rules will be in effect. After the SECOND team is eliminated… IT’S SUPERSTAR RULES!
Huge POP for the late Tommy Deathrow’s signature match style – hardcore, no holds barred, anything goes… and falls count anywhere. Frank vacates the ring as Martin Chan takes the title belts from the Rabble. Ernst heads the final neutral corner, and Stone Stone joins Greta in the ring. She wrinkles her nose at him.
BILL HEWSON: The two starting competitors were chosen at random just prior to the match. The Phenomenons and the Rabble both drew the short straws.
The fans are already buzzing for the match! AND THERE’S THE BELL! TAGSTRAVAGANZA HAS BEGUN!
Greta and Stone immediately lock up, and it’s no contest that Shane quickly gets the upper hand as he’s literally 100 pounds heavier than her. He grabs one of her arms into a painful looking hold, torquing on her shoulder. Greta winces, but manages to twist, then flip herself over, and then sweeps a kick at Shane’s leg! Stone drops to one knee, and Greta plants her foot in his mouth… Stone doesn’t go down, but he lets go over her, and scrambles back… only for the European woman to rush at him with a sweet Yakuza Kick that finally puts him on his back! The fans boo as Greta hooks his leg, and Martin Chan, who’s in the ring, goes for the count! 1! 2! Only two, and Stone powers out, tossing Greta right off of him. Cameron is rooting for him in the corner, while Ernst and Gustav both hoot and holler for Greta. Lambert is clearly rooting for Stone from his corner, while Future Shock actually are working the crowd, getting them excited with clapping and stomping.
BILL HEWSON: Close call there for the Phenomenons! No one wants to be the first team eliminated.
Stone rises back to his feet, rubbing his chin and smirking. Greta’s also up, and the two circle each other, then Shane goes to lock back up with her… but Greta ducks aside… hits the ropes for a rebound… and Shane catches her right in the middle of the ring! And a Belly-to-Belly Suplex sends her up and over onto the canvas with a crash! Greta rolls over and tries to get back up, but Stone is right there – plucking her right off the ground in a Belly-to-Back Suplex! Greta’s arms pinwheel as she goes through the air… and Stone bridges for the pin! 1! 2! And a frantic, wild kickout by Greta! Cameron lets out a shrill whistle and Ill both applaud heartily!
JACK JONES: Why is everyone cheering AGAINST the undefeated champions!?
Greta tries to get to the ropes to help herself up, but Stone grabs her foot and roughly hauls her back. He then drops a knee on her back, then grabs some libs… PERUVIAN NECKTIE! Greta lets out a deep cry of anguish as Stone shouts “TAP! TAAAAAAP!” But they’re still just a liiiiiiittle too close to those ropes… giving Gustav the opening to pull her foot over the bottom rope and shout for Chan’s attention! Boo! The ref calls for the clean break! 1! 2! 3! 4! And Shane Stone lets go. Greta pulls herself up, wincing, and Stone rushes at her… but she ducks aside and hits the tag on Ernst’s outstretched hand!
BILL HEWSON: Smart move from Greta. She needs to get out of there and have a moment to catch her breath.
Suddenly, Shane Stone isn’t the powerhouse in the ring anymore. Still, he’s fuelled by madness, so he just rushes in and tries to lock right up with Ernst… but the big European just POWERS OUT, shoving Stone so hard he tumbles head over heels! Ernst catches a leg…
JACK JONES: Uh oh!
Stone tries to kick away ineffectually – Ernst gets the other leg… AND AWAY WE GO!
JACK JONES: IT’S SWING TIME!
Ernst starts spinning in the middle of the ring and the crowd goes wild, counting with the rotations! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10! 11! 12! 13! 14! 15! 16! 17! 18! 19! 20! 21! 22! 23! 24! 25! 26! 27! 28! 29! 30! And Ernst staggers, releasing Stone who sails toward the Ill corner and crashes to the ground! Ernst catches the ropes to steady himself, and Shane Stone immediately leaps to his feet, staggers, spins, and faceplants into the canvas again!
BILL HEWSON: I think I’m dizzy just from watching that!
Ernst, steady now, turns to pursue, but Stone reaches up and tags in… NOBODY, before rolling out the ring and dry heaving against the barricade.
JACK JONES: OH NO!
Nobody is almost impossibly taller than Ernst… but he’s not intimidated as she stalks over and locks up with him. The two titans – by far the biggest pair in the ring – jockey for position as Lambert smiles and laughs and Greta grits her teeth in their respective corners. The crowd is going NUTS! And then all at once, Ernst BREAKS the hold, SHOVES Nobody back… and a big POP UP EUROPEAN UPPERCUT sends the giantess staggering back!
JACK JONES: What.
Nobody stops her momentum, and looks up in time to eat a BIG LARIAT that KNOCKS HER DOWN. The crowd EXPLODES.
JACK JONES: WHAT!?
Lambert’s jaw is hanging open. His eyes are wide. Nobody isn’t down long – she pulls herself up on the second rope… but Ernst is right behind her catching her around the waist – for a German Suplex!
JACK JONES: How is this even HAPPENING!? He’s taking Nobody OFF OF HER FEET!
BILL HEWSON: Ernst may be a goofball, may be a Eurotrash raver… but he’s a POWERHOUSE, Jack Attack. Nobody… not even NOBODY… should underestimate that.
JACK JONES: I don’t think Haniel was taking the Rabble that seriously coming into this match, and I think it may have been partly because Nobody is his DOOMSDAY WEAPON. But Ernst is showing once again why you can NEVER take the Rabble lightly.
Ernst takes a moment to flex for the crowd, showing off his bodybuilder physique. Nobody pulls herself back up again, shaking her head, and sees that Ernst has taken his eyes off the prize. She surges at him… but Greta shrieks at her brother in time for him to dodge – and Nobody crashes into the Rabble corner, sending Greta tumbling from the apron! Nobody turns around in time to get a shoulder thrust in the corner from Ernst, who then hooks her, and sets her on the top of the ringpost…
JACK JONES: IMPOSSIBLE!
Nobody crashes to the middle of the ring and Lambert Haniel is LOSING HIS MIND in his corner!
Ernst goes for the cover!
BILL HEWSON: Huge upset!
KICKOUT WITH AUTHORITY!
BILL HEWSON: Or not.
As impressive as the display Ernst just put on was, Nobody still just powers him right off of her. Lambert is calling for her to tag out, and Nobody nods, reaching over and tagging the nearest hand as Ernst stalks back toward her…
BILL HEWSON: Colton Sterling!
HOT TAG!? Weird, but here we go! Sterling leaps to the top of the ringpost and comes right off with a HUGE Flying Clothesline that sends the German staggering back to the ropes! Ernst spins, falling against the middle ropes and hanging there, shaking his head – giving Colton a chance to leap over the top to the apron… running… Knee Lift! Ernst goes backward with a crash to a huge cheer from the crowd and Sterling takes a second to pose on the apron and give a shout to the crowd! Ernst slowly starts getting up, but his eyes go wide as Sterling grabs the ropes, springboards off off of them into a sweet Diving Elbow right into Ernst’s European heart! He’s down! Sterling hooks the leg! 1! 2! And Ernst powers out.
JACK JONES: A close call, but the champs are still in the game!
Ernst scrambles to his feet, and reaches over to tag in Eric Cameron… but both members of the Phenomenons drop from the apron, hands up.
BILL HEWSON: The Phenomenons are refusing to get tagged in!
Ernst swears loudly in German at them, and turns into a big kick right in the gizzards from Colton Sterling! Sterling hits the ropes as Ernst doubles over in surprise and pain… Famouser! Splat goes Ernst, face first in the ring! The crowd cheers and Colton turns him over and pins him again! 1! 2! And AGAIN Ernst powers out!
BILL HEWSON: Ernst is looking gassed. He needs to get out of there before he loses all the momentum.
Indeed he does, and he knows it. Ernst gets to his feet – and Sterling presses the attack with a running Bicycle Kick… but Ernst dodges aside and goes to tag in Lambert Haniel… but he and Nobody both drop from the apron, too!
JACK JONES: Oh, I see how it is. Isolate the champions in the ring.
BILL HEWSON: It may not seem very sporting, but it’s a sound strategy.
Ernst angrily shakes the ropes and swears down at them too – but even if he’s getting no help from anyone else, he at least has family in his corner. Sterling was hitting the ropes to mount another offence, but Gustav grabs his foot, tripping him up! Colton turns and angrily shouts down at the tiny German – and Ernst is able to use the momentary distraction to rush him, swinging wildly, and laying Sterling out to boos from the crowd. Ernst doesn’t press the attack, though, instead reaching over and finally making a tag to Greta! Greta quickly climbs into the ring and catches Sterling as he’s retaking his feet, hooks his head… Snapmare Driver! Sterling is planted like a ringpost! Greta goes for a quick pin… 1! Just one and Colton kicks out. Greta angrily pounds the mat and then grabs him, pulling him to his feet… and nails a Backbreaker across her knee!
JACK JONES: LIKE SO!
Sterling writhes on the ground, grimacing and clutching his back, and Greta backs off dangerously. The Phenomenons, Ill and Jaxon on the apron all start shouting at him to watch out, but Colton slowly sits up – and then gets his head nearly kicked right off with a sweet Kawada strike! Down he goes! Greta again goes for the pin! 1! 2! And again Sterling kicks out.
BILL HEWSON: The Rabble are regaining the momentum here.
Greta shoots and angry glare at Chan and holds up three fingers angrily, but the referee shakes his head and insists it was a two count. She pulls a woozy looking Sterling to his feet, whips him at the ropes… and he catches himself! Greta’s eyes get wide and she rushes him, but he’s able to reach over and tag in Lambert Haniel before she clotheslines him over the top rope!
JACK JONES: Sure, The Rabble came into the match the most rested team, but they’ve been going continually since the bell rang! How is this fair, Hewson!?
Greta turns to see Haniel on the top rope – and manages to dodge an attempt at a flying Double Axe Handle! Lambert lands awkwardly on his feet… and Greta goes leaps at him knees first!
JACK JONES: NO MEANS PAIN!
But Haniel CATCHES HER, holding tight! Greta’s shrieks as NOBODY storms into the ring… HART ATTACK!
BILL HEWSON: What a reversal of fortune… uh… I think something might be wrong…
Greta is clutching her face, letting out a muffled cry and thrashing. She springs to her corner and desperately tags in Ernst who hits the ring with an angry bellow, while referee Chan goes to quickly check on her as she drops to ringside, where all three other referees head over as well. Ernst rushes at Haniel, levelling him with a Lariat – but Nobody is still in the ring! She catches him by the throat as he turns around to escalating noise from the crowd! CHOKESLAM! Not over the top rope, but Ernst is down! Haniel has risen back to his feet, and he directs Nobody to pull the big German up. Gustav is pounding on the mat frantically, paying little to no attention to the fact that a medic has been called from the back to help Greta who’s still clutching her face at ringside. Martin Chan turns around in time to see Nobody hit a Flapjack on Ernst while Lambert comes off the ropes and Dropkicks him in the head RIGHT IN MID-AIR!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
Ernst spins in the air and lands with a crash. Chan orders Nobody back to her corner as Lambert backs off, motioning for Ernst to rise, grinning wickedly. The crowd is on its feet! Ernst slowly gets up to one knee… looks up…
And eats a running, leaping knee right in the mouth.
BILL HEWSON: HIS JOB IS FINISHED!
Ernst crashes to the ground! Lambert hooks his leg!
THE CROWD EXPLODES INTO CHEERS!
JACK JONES: IT CAN’T… BE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen… The Rabble… HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED!
Huge, huge cheer from the crowd!
BILL HEWSON: The Rabble are defeated! GUARANTEED NEW CHAMPIONS TONIGHT!
Lambert is on his knees in the ring, laughing, ecstatic, as Ernst slowly rolls from the ring. Gustav looks like he’s staring into the abyss at ringside, pale, shell-shocked. The medic has started to help Greta – who looks like she might be injured – to the back. Ernst starts following them up, wincing and holding his jaw. Stewie Lamoine has to snap his fingers in Gustav’s face a few times to get his attention, and points to the back. The European doesn’t look like he comprehends – but the crowd tells him like it is…
“Nah nah nah nah, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE.”
Gustav staggers back, then starts stumbling away from the ring and to the back.
JACK JONES: The Rabble… does this count as a defeat!? ARE THEY DEFEATED!?
BILL HEWSON: Most definitely. Yes. And these NAPW fans… they couldn’t be happier. But this match IS ONLY JUST GETTING STARTED! One team down… THREE teams to go. And the rules have just changed.
The bell rings again to indicate the next fall – and Eric Cameron hits the ring as Tornado Rules come into effect! Haniel barely has time to get back to his feet before Cameron plants a kick into his midsection, and with a wild cry, grabs Lambert by the head and runs him to the ropes and over the top! The crowd… cheers? Sort of? But Cameron doesn’t have time to enjoy the moment as Jaxon Queen is already running at him with a single leg dropkick that sends Cameron ass over tea-kettle! Eric quickly rolls out of the ring, and Lambert Haniel is already back in the ring with a leaping, flailing tackle! He rains down a few punches on Queen, then backs off, going to pull him back up to his feet – but Queen bails from the ring! Colton Sterling comes rushing into the ring… but Haniel ducks aside…
JACK JONES: It’s THAT REVERSAL KICK!
Sterling does down and Haniel hooks the leg, counting along with Martin Chan!
Kickout from Sterling.
BILL HEWSON: The pace has really picked up! Things are happening almost too fast to call!
Haniel turns, rising, looking to get his hands on Colton, but Sterling manages to bail through the ropes, and Shane Stone storms into the ring after the Time Travelling, Intergalactic Lord of All Funk and Love. He grabs Haniel, hauling him up – but Lambert manages to break free and nail Stone with a throat thrust. Shane staggers back, clutching his throat, and Lambert comes rebounding off the ropes with a Leaping Leg Lariat… but Shane manages to step back and catch Haniel’s leg! SWINGING FISHERMAN’S NECKBREAKER! Lambert thrashes his way right out of the ring, clutching the back of his head – and NOBODY comes storming in! Shane Stone bails!
And there’s NO ONE willing to get in with NOBODY.
Cameron, Stone, Queen and Sterling all exchange glances around the ring, daring each other to get into the ring with the immense woman. Haniel, at ringside, cackles, catching his breath. The referees urge SOMEONE to get into the ring.
And then the lights go out.
JACK JONES: Who forgot to pay the power bill on a night like tonight!?
There are screams in the crowd, and the lights come back up…
BILL HEWSON: LEGION!
MASAKRE and MATANZA stand in the ring with Nobody! She looks between the two… then LAYS INTO Masakre with a cheer from the crowd! The two exchange blows, driving each other toward the corner – and Lambert crashes the ring to leap on Matanza, fists a-flying!
JACK JONES: Why are LEGION here!? They failed to advance!
BILL HEWSON: I guess they don’t care!
Matanza manages to shrug off Haniel, and sends him tumbling over the ropes with a dropkick. Masakre has managed to get Nobody up against the ropes… and a big clothesline drops her over the top to ringside as well! Masakre ROARS… and suddenly Future Shock are in the ring with LEGION, both men targeting one of Masakre’s legs, and taking him down at the knees. The masked man goes over onto his back – but before Queen or Sterling can press the advantage, they both get levelled by Matanza coming over the ropes with a flying cross body splash! Masakre is back on his feet. He picks up Matanza in a Military Press, walks to the ropes… and THROWS his own partner down on the Phenomenons at ringside, laying them out! Queen and Sterling have both rolled out of the ring, too. Masakre is king of the mountain and lets out another bellow!
BILL HEWSON: LEGION are just destroying everything! The referees have totally lost control!
Masakre turns and looks down at where Nobody is helping Haniel back to his feet, and Matanza – also back up – begins circling the ring toward Those That Would Inflict Ill. Haniel sees them coming, smirking… but suddenly RED AND GREEN LIGHTS!
JACK JONES: Now what’s happening!?
BILL HEWSON: I have no idea! This is insane!
Two MEN IN GOBLIN MASKS, one red and one green, come over the ring barrier from the crowd to a HUGE CHEER! They rush past Nobody and Haniel and hit the ring. Masakre looks… surprised? The red goblin goes for a leaping kick, that Masakre ducks… but turns into a Gamingiri! Masakre staggers forward, where the green goblin nails a dropkick on his right leg! Masakre FLIPS HEAD OVER HEELS and lands with a crash! The goblin duo kips up in unison and raise their arms for the crowd!
JACK JONES: Who are these guys!?
A pair of fans in the back start chanting: “DEM GOBS! DEM GOBS! DEM GOBS!” The crowd begins to pick it up, and quickly everyone is chanting!
BILL HEWSON: I guess that answers the question!
The chanting is cut short by an enraged Masakre retaking his feet and CHARGING at the pair to boos from the crowd. The duo bails from the ring, and begins heading up the ramp with Masakre hot on their heels! Matanza rushes after them, Those That Would Inflict Ill seemingly forgotten!
JACK JONES: LEGION has left the building!
But the damage may be done. Cameron and Stone are slowly helping each other up at ringside, looking across the ring and exchanging hushed words. Colton Sterling is slumped against the barricade. Jaxon Queen is pulling himself up on the apron. But Lambert Haniel is looking fresh as a spring daisy as he rolls himself into the ring, smiling.
BILL HEWSON: Of all the luck. LEGION storm the match to take out Those That Would Inflict Ill… and Ill are the only ones to come out of it relatively unscathed!
After a moment, Queen pulls himself into the ring, and Haniel immediately goes on the offense, rushing in with a running elbow that drives Jaxon back into the corner. Lambert unloads with a pair of stiff looking chops, then pulls Queen back to the middle of the ring, hooks up a Hammerlock… German Suplex! Bridges the pin!
AND A HALF as Queen manages to violently kick out!
BILL HEWSON: That was TOO CLOSE! Haniel nearly got a second elimination there!
At ringside, Nobody is stalking around, watching the action intensely. Too intensely… because Shane Stone grabs her from behind! With a TREMENDOUS effort and a loud ROAR, he GERMAN SUPLEXES her to a big pop from the crowd! Even as Nobody is landing, Eric Cameron is coming over the BARRICADE with a leg drop right across her throat! Nobody’s limbs spasm! Stone begins stomping on her while Eric Cameron grabs the greasy bag full of dead skunk and starts HITTING HER with it!
BILL HEWSON: Oh good lord NO!
JACK JONES: That’s the third grossest thing I’ve ever seen in a professional wrestling ring.
Haniel has noticed and rushes over to the ropes, angrily shouting at the Phenomenons to come face him in the ring! Moose and Smythe rush over and start warning the two off. They allow themselves to be ushered away from Nobody, and Lambert turns around… SUPERMAN PUNCH! NO! He manages to duck under it, unloading with a chop at Jaxon Queen’s throat – but turns to eat BICYCLE KICK from Colton Sterling! Haniel goes down with a crash and big cheer from the fans!
JACK JONES: You can’t manhandle the Time Travelling, Intergalactic Lord of All Funk and Love like that!
Queen pulls a woozy looking Haniel up, then goes low and gets him up on his shoulders! Coulton is headed to the top rope… but NOBODY is pulling herself up on the apron!
SHOCKED TO THE FUTURE!
BILL HEWSON: To a time traveller no less!
Haniel is dead meat! Sterling goes flying out of the ropes at Nobody as Queen hooks the leg!
NOBODY CATCHES HIM IN MID-AIR!
She tosses Colton aside like a toy!
She SLIDES INTO THE RING!
SHE NAILS JAXON QUEEN!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen… Those That Would Inflict Ill HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED!
BILL HEWSON: Nobody tried to make the save, but between the Phenomenons double-team attack at ringside and Sterling’s stalling her for that split second… she didn’t make it in time!
Nobody sits there, face inscrutable behind her mask. Is she angry? Sad? Pleased? Who knows. No matter, she doesn’t press the attack on Queen. Instead, she pulls the limp Lambert Haniel up into her arms, and begins carrying him from the ring.
JACK JONES: Two teams left… and if you think things were crazy before, SUPERSTAR rules are now in effect!
As Nobody exits through the curtain, Colton Sterling rolls into the ring to join his partner. Eric Cameron and Shane Stone climb in. The two teams square off, staring each other down as the electric crowd gets set for the final two.
Both have made it to this point, but only one can make it to the end. A briefcase with $10,000. The prestigious blue jackets. Most importantly, the shiny NAPW Tag Team Championship belts.
All four men look tired. Winded.
And ready to tear each other apart.
The bell rings to start the next fall.
And both teams leap at each other, punches and kicks flying, and crowd goes bonkers! In the midst of the mayhem, Stone manages to get Sterling up in a BRAINBUSTER, driving him head first into the ring. Nearby, Jaxon sends Cameron over the top rope with a running Yakuza Kick. As Colton rolls out of the ring, Stone and Queen turns to eye each other. They circle for a moment… then lock up, collar-and-elbow style! The pair jockeys for position a bit, but Shane’s a bit bigger and gets the leverage to try and lock in a standing armbar. Queen manages to roll through, sweeping Stone’s legs, then floats over and tries to grab his leg for an Ankle Lock! But Stone manages to kick away, and slides under the ropes. Cameron is there to help his partner back up, and both look up… to see Colton Sterling coming off the apron with a flying cross-body! All three men go down in a heap to a big pop from the crowd!
BILL HEWSON: I’m honestly surprised no one has gone for a weapon – oh, there we go!
Queen has bailed from the ring and rushed toward the tangled mess of wrestlers, grabbing a water bottle from a fan at ringside and SMUSHING it right into Stone’s face just as he was getting to his feet! There’s enough force in the shot that the bottle’s lid pops off and water explodes all over! Stone crumbles, Jaxon reaches out a hand toward the crowd, and gets handed a bag of popcorn! Eric Cameron gets the contents thrown in his face!
JACK JONES: Salty AND buttery! That’ll sting the eyes!
Now everyone in the front row is offering things up! Queen blindly holds his hand to the fans, items brush his fingertips until they close on…
“If They Only Knew.”
Queen almost drops the terrible tome in shock as the fans scream in horror. Young Jaxon masters himself… and makes Cameron kiss Chyna on the cover in a most forceful manner! Eric reels backward like he’s been shot!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
Stone is back on his feet, and he grabs a shoe from a young woman and throws it at Jaxon! It bounces off his back, and Queen turns around in time to dodge a sign that reads “I HEART NOBODY” that gets frisbeed at him! He charges at Shane, who sidesteps… and JUDO FLIPS HIM over the barricade into three guys in the front row!
BILL HEWSON: Heads up people!
Cameron is still retching by the timekeeper’s table. Colton Sterling is back up and grabs Stone from behind, spinning him around and planting a foot in his mid-section, then DDTS him ONTO THE RINGSTEPS. The crowd GROANS in sympathy as Stone shoots right back to his feet… but his bell is rung and he slowly topples backward into a heap. Sterling goes for the pin! Stewie Lamoine is right there!
JACK JONES: That has to be it!
Making a last second save with the RINGBELL across Colton’s head is Eric Cameron! He throws the bell down at his opponent for good measure with another DING, then turns and dodges a Discus Lariat from Jaxon Queen, who’s untangled himself from the crowd. Cameron takes a step back, covering his mouth – then steps forward INTO A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT!
He staggers back, eyes wide. Then he sputters and a bunch of blue goop tickles out of his mouth and over his chin.
BILL HEWSON: Oh! Going for a blue mist attack and it TOTALLY misfired!
Queen presses the attack, rushing Cameron and driving him into the ring apron in front of the announce table. Eric SPITS OUT the rest of the blue gunk in a cloud toward Hewson and Jones.
JACK JONES: Oh, GROSS!
Cameron then staggers forward where Jaxon catches him by the wrist! He rears back…
BILL HEWSON: JAXED!
NO! Shane Stone, blood trickling from his head, catches Queen’s arm, which gives Cameron the opening to drop to his knees and LOW BLOW the everloving CRAP out Jaxon’s junk.
JACK JONES: Oooh! The family jewels!
The crowd groans in sympathy – one guy in the front instinctively crosses his legs – as Queen lets out a shrill cry, and begins folding over. Shane catches him, hooking his head, and roughly yanking him toward the announce table while Cameron climbs up on the ring apron…
JACK JONES: Oh no… HEADS UP HEWSON!
Stone hauls Queen up in a suplex… and Eric LEAPS OFF THE APRON with a sweet Dropkick right in Jaxon’s face! DOWN HE GOES! CRUNCH!
PHENOMENAL ENDING! THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!
“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”
And Eric Cameron crawls over… and throws his arm over Queen!
Moose is right there for the count!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen… Future Shock HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
“THIS WAS AWESOME! *clap, clap, clap clap clap* THIS WAS AWESOME! *clap, clap, clap clap clap*”
And that chant is quickly replaced by…
“TAG TEAM WRESTLING! *clap, clap, clap clap clap* TAG TEAM WRESTLING! *clap, clap, clap clap clap*”
JACK JONES: WHAT A MATCH!
BILL HEWSON: NAPW prides itself on being the HOME of tag team wrestling in North America… and tonight we’ve shown ONCE AGAIN why that’s the case!
“Original Prankster” hits the speakers again as, at ringside, Morgan Smythe, Moose and Stewie Lamoine are helping Future Shock back up. The fans at ringside begin loudly applauding them as they’re led into back. Eric Cameron and Shane Stone, meantime, have painfully pulled themselves into the ring. Cameron has blue gunk all down his front. Stone is bleeding from his forehead. And they’re laughing, embracing one another.
BILL HEWSON: Love them or hate them, the Phenomenons lived up to their name tonight.
NAPW Commissioner TERRY BRANDON emerges from the curtains, followed by head of security JAKE PHOENIX, holding a metal briefcase. Offspring fades… and Less Than Jake kicks up in it’s place! “We’re All Dudes!”
JACK JONES: What the what!?
The Dudes, CAMERON SCOTT and MICHAEL K. JOHNSTON, wearing swanky blue jackets over their football jersey and bowling shirt, emerge from the back to join Brandon and Phoenix on the stage. They’re each holding a second blue jacket on a hanger, and start glad-handing the fans as the four of them start their way to the ring.
BILL HEWSON: The Dudes were the last Tagstravaganza winners, Jack Attack, back before the old NAPW went out of business – and they’re here to honour this year’s victors!
All four men join Martin Chan in the ring, and Terry Brandon, all smiles, offers Eric Cameron and Shane Stone handshakes. The two reluctantly then accept handshakes from both Scott and Johnston, who pull the jackets off their hangers and offer them up for the new champs to put on. Cameron snatches his away from… Cameron, go figure… and quickly throws it over his shoulders like a cape, tying the arms. Stone actually puts his on.
JACK JONES: I won’t lie, Hewson. Those jackets are way too nice for that pair. I bet their ruined within a week.
BILL HEWSON: The prestigious blue jackets are only given to the winners of Tagstravaganza.
JACK JONES: Did we ever give them out before?
BILL HEWSON: We never had such a big ceremony, but yeah – every team who’s won previous has them.
With that, Terry Brandon takes the briefcase from Jake Phoenix and hands it over to Shane Stone, who glances inside… and his face falls.
“CANADIAN money? Ugh.”
But he accepts the briefcase anyway, and his face lights up as Martin Chan presents him with one of the shiny title belts!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, here are YOUR WINNERS… the 2014 TAGSTRAVAGANZA CHAMPIONS… AND NEWWWWWW NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! Eric Cameron! Shane Stone! THEEEEEE… PHENOMENONS!
Offspring kicks back up on the speakers as the Dudes, Brandon and Phoenix all vacate the ring. Stone and Cameron both stalk over to opposite ringposts and climb up. They’ve won the money. They’ve won the TITLES.
And they’ve got great big blue targets on their backs.